Week 5, The Scores

	Ben – 50 Eliminated +20 for referencing his connection with Des...twice...once with the word "intimate attached" +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for repeatedly referencing his good Christian man-ness +15 for being such a good sport in the limo ride home and asking how long he had to wait before he could go out and get laid...I think I remember Abraham asking God that in the bible.
	Bryden – 73 Self-Eliminated +50 for leaving the show +3 for saying "amazing" twice on the his way out Bonus: +20 for interrupting Chris' date with Des because he couldn't stand to be there a moment longer
	Brooks - 38 +3 for saying "amazing" twice +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose Bonus: +5 for perving on Des' makeout section with James. Is it just me, or is this happening a lot this season?
	Chris – 45 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for date rose +10 for writing Des a poem Bonus: +10 for the most obvious producer-prompted sound bite of the season so far: "I don't think anything could go wrong"
	Drew – 30 +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 for attempting to tattle and failing +5 for a rose
	James – 26 +1 for single use of the word amazing +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose
	Juan Pablo – 5 +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: Did Juan Pablo get sent home when I wasn't watching?
	Kasey – 5 +5 for a rose
	Michael G. – 75 +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for plugging his career (even though he's a lawyer and not a model/performer, it's been too eggregious not to score....are lawyers not allowed to speak without using courtroom drama cliches?) +30 for tattling - even though it was in front of Ben, this had to have counted for something + 20 for a not-at-all-deserved group rose Bonus:  +5 for mixing his metaphors (and being generally uncertain if he wanted to convict men or use methods just a little bit more violent and outside the law)
	Mikey T. – 10 Eliminated +10 for referencing his connection with Des
	Zak W. – 30 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for revealing he almost became a priest - while not really a tragedy, it merits about the same number of points +5 for interrupting Mikey's one-on-one time with a yodel. +10 for kissing on a group date - to the best of my knowledge, he's never actually been shown kissing Des on screen, but the fact that she thinks he's the best kisser makes me think he deserves the points.

Episode 5, Brydenabsendensichheimatglucklich: Being lucky that Bryden Decided to Send Himself Home.

So I wasn't even really planning to write anything for this post, was just intending to tell Kasey not to unpack his bags because the stay of execution that Bryden's departure granted him would be very, very brief. But then I was looking at this picture and, I don't know....for some reason Kasey's grown on me.  Ever since he stopped using the hashtags after night one, he's been sort of adorably eager and undeniably sweet. From sitting around the Atlantic City hotel room in his massive crown, to being thrilled, not about being in Germany, but about Des getting to be in Germany, I just think there are worst choices the girl could make. I'm not saying he's going to make it through the next rose ceremony, let alone to some sort of scenario where she lets him get down on one knee, but for some reason, maybe blogging-induced delusions, I'll be pulling for him next week.

Episode 5, Zweinacheinstelldichenmitabstobendmensch: "Going on a Two-on-One with a Guy I Find Repulsive"

Like in every country in the world, it is very common in Germany to be forced into a dating scenario with three participants in which you bear very limited affection for either man and will send one packing in a limo of embarrassment by the end of the night, all while reserving that particular torment for the other man in just a few nights hence.  But before we all buy our tickets to Disneyworld and start queuing up to get "It's a Small World" stuck indelibly in our heads, let's take just a few moments to break down a particular Zweinacheinstelldichenmitabsotbendmensch, Desiree's date with Ben and Michael G.

Now, if I'm being honest, I had long come to terms with the fact that this formulaic, predictable show could no longer surprise me, but that's exactly what this date did (also known as schockenschtupen in the German I just made up). I expected Michael G. to take Des aside and whisper in low tones of concern the same faintly damning evidence that we've all been treated to him whining about over the past couple of weeks. I expected Des to thank him for his concern, and to agonize about it in the packaged interview and perhaps for one particularly picturesque prolonged moment against the backdrop of the Rhine River and a waxing gibbous moon (and for the record, I'm too pleased with myself for knowing the name of a river in Germany to look up whether in flows through Munich or what, in fact, a waxing gibbous moon is). I did not expect Michael to go into full Perry Mason mode (you know, if Perry Mason was a whiny Federal prosecutor who fought the good fight again sinister people who dared take reality TV into their own hands and use it for, gasp, fame. Also if Perry Mason was about to lose his very serious job for his series of poor decisions and general buffoonery on national TV). 

On the one hand, I'd like to laud Michael for actually addressing a problem head on rather than running sniveling to Desiree or continuing to spread pernicious gossip behind Ben's back. But on the other hand, well, he was just such an ass. From the hypocrisy of calling Ben out on his politician-like answers and on being a know-it-all, to the smug way in which he would chow down on his food after dropping a shrapnel-laden truth bomb in the middle of the dinner table, Michael attacked Ben for issues that either shouldn't matter or that Michael had no way of knowing the truth behind. He may have saved Desiree from a horrible marriage to a drink-schilling absentee father, but I'm not sure he really convinced the rest of up with anything approaching, you know, proof. And I for one certainly didn't enjoy watching him rest his case while chewing with his mouth open while poor Ben repeatedly sputtering "Good Christian" in the background. 

Similarly, on the one hand, I'd like  to give Desiree for sending home the guy that everyone in the house hated. Even if I don't quite believe the "Ben is evil" hype, at the very least it saves us from four more weeks of manufactured tension. But on the other hand, I can't believe Des would have sent Ben packing if she had been in any way into him personally (so selfish of her not to make her decisions with the television audience in mind. But then again, I guess Chris Harrison needs something to do besides press his suits and wistfully draw new variations on paisley), and I can't stomach that fact that she let Michael, the dick, go virtually unchecked (I thought the words "Just because you go to church doesn't mean you're close with God" sounded like a particularly pointed death knell for him, but apparently she was just quoting something she read on a bumper sticker one time). And ultimately, most importantly, I just can't give her any credit after her heinously awkward fake polar bear plunge. I'm sorry, Desiree, but we've seen you take a crack at a couple of them now, and pranks just aren't really your thing.  It's okay, you have autograph signing in malls across the country to look forward to. You don't need any other special skills.

Episode 5, Beendenneinepfarrerubereuropapoppen: To Determine You're not Going to be a Priest By Schtupping Your Way Across Europe

There really aren't a lot of German words left these days that translate most directly into Yiddish, but.....

...This one kind of explains itself. Based solely on the handful of Germans I've met in my life, I'm guessing this word gets a fair amount of use.

Episode 5, Zornigmuddeldeinmangelslage: Being confused by Something that You Clearly Caused

 A Bachelor/ette staple across the seasons, this word is also sometimes translated as "being angered by something you clearly caused" depending on the region and dialectical differences. I wouldn't characterize Desiree's reaction to Bryden leaving as particularly angry and she certainly wasn't showing any symptoms of heartbreak (this was made abundantly clear by her commentary: "It makes me question the guys I really do like." As opposed to what, Des? The guys mafioso Chris Harrison has threatened to put out a hit on unless you keep them under your protections for another week?), but she did seem pretty confused and it's just not quite clear to me why. She repeatedly lamented that Bryden had come all the way to Germany and questioned why he would do that if his feelings were clear last week. But I can tell you why, Des. We can all tell you why.  He did it because you asked him to.

For me, this brings up some thoughts about the Bachelor/ette dynamic and power. It's clear on these shows that the Bachelor/ette has 97% of the power and has to scramble to present hollow soundbites trying to prove his or her acolytes are sharing more than the remaining 3%. The fact that the power shifts when the show ends - the fact that the Bachelor/ette must ceded the lion's share of the power while he or she desperately tries to reassure his or her intended that all those kisses/that night in the fantasy suite/that blood oath never to go rappelling with anyone else meant nothing - is one of the many, many reasons these relationships so often fail.

When you look at the small handful of these made-for-TV engagements that have succeeded, they tend to be those of Bachelor/ettes who didn't have their traditional share of the power. Ashley Hebert spent her whole season in a self-conscious shame spiral over the fact that she wasn't Emily. Jason Mesnick paid his powerless dues by humiliating himself (wait, should that be humbling himself?....Nah!), and obviously others, on National TV. If Sean Lowe and Catherine work out, it will only be because Sean's misogynistic mentality assures that he would never bestow his betrothed with any share of the power anyway ("Shhh...baby....Don't you worry your pretty little head about me telling AshLee she was the only one for me. Let a man take care of it."), so they can continue true to form.

Unfortunately for Des, I feel like she is falling into the much more common trap of Bachelor/ettes who pay lip service to their vulnerability and to the power they don't have, but ultimately seem to be wielding it all the same. Despite her constant cliches that this show is a two way street, Des continues to seem incredibly disoriented when men don't love or want to sacrifice everything for her. And I would guess this won't be the last time she's confused about something she clearly caused as a result.

Episode 5, Deserstestaatzeitpunkt: Des' First Time in the Country

Or at least I assume that there must be a special word for this because they are hitting it so hard. Des didn't grow up privileged. We get it. But we know she's been to Canada's winter playground (technically Alberta, but I would also accept just "Canada" as an acceptable answer) and to some tropical island nation that I've already erased from my memory (see reluctant tourism boards. It is a worthwhile investment to host a group of camera-toting degenerates who will most likely confuse your country with Scotland for a week), so it;s not exactly like she's never been further from home than the neighboring county or she's never eaten food that didn't come from McDonald's. Plus, the vast majority of Americans have never been to Europe (you know - the ones who also live in apartments), so maybe we should give the impoverished bumpkin angle a rest and concentrate on how her childhood was, you know, happy and normal.

Episode 5, Kaffeehausreimwortidiotdichtung: Writing Poems that Don't Rhyme in a Coffee Shop

 It probably doesn't come as much of a shock that I don't actually speak any German. But I do speak (a very little) Chinese, and there's a phrase in Chinese that I absolutely love with idiomatically translates to, basically, "You're an idiot," but literally translates to "Talking to you is like playing piano for a cow." And I envision this newly minted German word having similar idiomatic use. Chris seems legitimately sweet in a goofy sort of way that Des could potentially find true happiness in, but I wonder if he's maybe not that bright. Because if you're going to go to the great lengths of pretension to sit in a coffee shop and write poetry, than buddy, you can't make it rhyme!  I can't decide which Chris moment had me shaking my head more: the "cow" language barrier debacle, the incredibly bad poetry, or his soundbite in which he expressed his excitement to be out with Des because it meant he didn't have to worry about brushing his teeth.  Chris, 10 out of 10 dentists recommend you brush your teeth every night.  Even if you have a date.

Episode 5, Einselheitenplanenmangelhalt: An Elaborate Scheme to Make Your Enemies Pay that takes a Heavy Emotional and Physical Toll on you while Barely Gaining their Notice

"Play me out, boys..."

So, it's sort of hard to muster up some semblance of an explanation for the way that Bryden acted this week and the choices he made. It's not so much that he could have left for home last week but decided it would be fun to toss in two 12 hour plane rides instead (although, more on that later), as it is his immediate decision-making over the course of his exit. Could he really not have spent a single day in Germany? Couldn't he have snagged Des when she was in the midst of one of her many costume changes rather than in the middle of traipsing around the city with Chris? Was he just banking on the fact that there would be no other camera crews in Munich that day? When he asked random German citizens about these camera crew locations, did any of them sassily point to the guys behind him? Did he just want to engage in the local past time of Mengepolkamorderbewauchund (Watching two friends polka like a serial killer laying in wait for his prey in a busy crowd) before he left?

Ultimately, what all these questions come down to is the fact that we don't really know all that much about Bryden.  Sure, he was an Iraq War veteran, but clearly, there must also be something else. I suspect that Bryden and ABC have a past. Maybe he was slated to have his breakout role on One Life to Live when the program was heartlessly slashed from the station's daytime lineup. Maybe he's still grieving for Diane Sawyer's departure from Good Morning America (as if her nightly news anchor-ship can even begin to make amends!).  Maybe he, like everyone else, is still just really upset about what they did to Charlie's Angels. I don't know for sure, because I don't know his life. But I suspect Bryden's curious behavior this week had a little something to do with a misguided revenge plot against this titan of network TV (I know, I'll make them fly me to Germany and then immediately fly me home. That'll show 'em!), and a little less to do with any concerns about his stunted relationship with Des.

Episode 5, Sprechen Sie Deutsche?

This week, Des and the gents set out to explore Munich, and, while you might think that this was indicative of the German tourism board having a Half-off sale (Buy one course of non-FDA improved performance enhancing cow-hormone therapy, get a hotel room and a plate of strudel free), in actuality, there's no culture, no language as appropriate as German to express the rich array of emotions, personalities, and just terrible, terrible choices that we witnessed this week.

German is a unique language, replete with compound words and words like schadenfreude, that convey a complex idea in a single word that, in any other language, would take upwards of seven (Yes, I sat on the metro counting "Taking pleasure in the misfortune of others" on my fingers). This is the language that brought us words like Backpfeifengesicht or "A face badly in need of a fist." Treasures like "Rolltreppenbenutzungshinweise: Or tips for the proper use of an escalator. Nouns we did not know we could live without until we discovered their existence (vergegenwartiganbrauchenwort in German - see what I mean?) like Donaudampfschiffahrtskapitanswitwe: a Danube steamline ship captain's widow.  

It is these words that we will explore this week, these words that would render the text of all Bachelorette recaps and other less-focused blogs obsolete if only they could fine their expressive way into mainstream English.

Episode 4, The Scores

	Ben – 15 +10 for saying he wasn't there to make friends Editorial Aside: We know +5 for a rose
	Brad – 31 Eliminated +1 for use of the word amazing +5 for crying Bonus: +25 for being dumped at the top of the lighthouse - it's not quite a mountain or on the side of the train tracks, but it was still pretty mean.
	Bryden – 20 +15 for threatening to leave and not following through +5 for a rose
	Brooks - 5 +5 for a rose
	Chris – 55 +10 for referencing his connection with Des +20 (10x2) for kissing on a group date in a hot tube +10 for kissing during the cocktail party +10 for presenting Des with his poetry +5 for a rose
	Drew – 5 +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: Show up, Drew!
	James – 65 +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for crying +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Des calling him the "best person" to bring on his date +20 for a date rose
	Juan Pablo – 25 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for secretly being all good at Baton +10 for what I suppose was his casual mention of his daughter which would have earned him more points had it been presented in more reality TV appropriate context.
	Kasey – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for winning the pageant
	Michael G. – 30 +10 for kissing during the cocktail party +10 for giving Des a gift + 5 for a rose Bonus:  I'm sure we all agree he deserves an extra +5 for not spelling out Desiree's whole name with his insufferable acrostic.  If you need a gimmick to get a kiss, it's probably not going to pan out.
	Mikey T. – 5 +5 for a rose
	Zack K. – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying...maybe...it wasn't entirely clear, but I'm giving the tie breaker to Zack K. because lord knows he hasn't done anything else this season
	Zak W. – 40 +20 for a date rose Bonus: +20 for singing his song again. He said he wasn't a singer so it technically wasn't plugging some sort of career, but, come on...he knew going into that he was pretty good. Non-Bonus: Again, Zak W. deserves negative points (but will not receive them) for failing to kiss Des and for taking first-runner up in the pageant. We all know that's just first loser.

Episode 4, The Guys

So, I admit it, the Mr. America pageant kind of got me. There was just something fun about watching the men goof around and explore their talents 80's movie montage-style that we don't usually have access to in your average episode where they're increasingly packaged as muscle-wrapped heartbreak. I found myself actually rooting for certain guys to succeed in a way that I don't do when the prize is temporary ownership of a 50 carat diamond instead of a massive plush crown. (And speak of which, should we be at all concerned that this group of guys has better chemistry with each other than with Des?  I think at least half of them are really pulling for Brooks to win). So I wanted to take a moment to reflect on which guy should have taken the crown and who's on pace to win the ultimate prize (no, not Des' virginity...she's not that kind of a girl...), which, if scenes from next week serve as a reminder, is to win the title of the next Bachelor much more than it is to walk away with the final rose. So here, in a very particular order (alphabetical):

Ben:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Well, if Mr. America is anything like its female counterpart pageant, then there's sure to be a morality clause that prevents single dad Ben from competing (or that at least allows Donald Trump to publicly disgrace him for his choices before unceremoniously stripping him of the crown). But if it weren't for that, I would really think that Ben has what it takes. Mr. America is really just someone who's here to make friends with the country, and with Ben's winning charm and easy likeability, he's pretty much perfect for the job.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
He won't be, but isn't it time that Chris Harrison and the gang give a villain a shot? I wouldn't advocate for Ben necessarily who is barely as interesting/evil as Sean Lowe much less Courtney or Bentley, but wouldn't we all watch the hell out of that show?

Brad:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Brad's just the sort of bland, unthreateningly attractive man that pageants were built for. Plus, when he said Desiree "made the right choice for herself" in his limo interview, it was pretty much the perfect, pageant-ready answer.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brad could barely string two sentences together during his one-on-one with Desiree, so I don't think this job is for him, but I do think there's potential for him to snag the "Who's that guy again?" spot on Bachelor Pad before sleeping through half the house and causing Jamie Otis' head to implode (since it's really only rather tenuously supported by her weight-bearing self-confidence as it is).

Brooks:

Why he should have been Mr. America:
Despite winning second runner-up, Brooks' self-deprecating humor throughout, his single glove-wearing, ukulele-playing talent, and his excitement about lions were the work of a Mr. Congeniality. Not a winner!

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brooks is still the clear front runner to win, but if he doesn't, he has just the sort of bland and aw shucks sweetness that ABC considers its holy grail.


Bryden:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So Bryden actually seemed more at home chatting up Miss America than he ever has during one-on-one time with Des. Maybe the gentleman just prefers blondes, or maybe the pageant world is made for him. He will have to get the pelvic thrusting under control, though - unless you're a heavily made-up six-year-old, there's just no place for that in the pageant world.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
I mean, the man is an Iraq War Vet. He says "amazing" approximately 3 times per sentence. I look forward to the all blonde cast of The Bachelor, Season 18.

Chris:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
You may have thought Chris grabbed those heels to show off his playful side to Des, but really he was just hording sharp objects in case he had to take a few of his competitors down. Making comments about the lovable Mikey being a meat head, fashioning a prison-style shiv out of a stiletto (you know, like in all the prisons where heels are a standard part of the uniform....). Is there nothing this guy won't stoop to to win?

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
So, I don't actually think Chris needs to be concerned with being shunted into the friend zone with Des (sorry, gentlemen with the Christian name "Michael." That concern falls to you), but it does seem like the guy who gets placed squarely into the non-romantic affection bucket (the guy who prompts the women of America to scream at their TVs, "Don't worry Jake/Craig/Sean. I'll date you.") that inevitably gets the chance to be the next season's main event.

Drew:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
He certainly has the walk down. Although I picture him in more of a scarf-wearing, fence-headdress-donning sort of catwalk situation than a Boomer Esiason-emceed, Jonas Brothers-serenaded one.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Despite him pretty much never talking, the "coming up" scenes fromt he first episode and the slight uptick in his camera time (which he's certainly using well. I particularly enjoyed his "hodgepodge of tomfoolery" comment) still led me to believe that he's poised to make a dark horse run. And then, if he falls short on getting that final rose, he'll have us right where he wants us....

James:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
On the one hand, I think James is probably too tatted up to excel on the pageant circuit, but on the other hand, it might be the perfect venue for his intensely earnest intensity.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Now, I don't necessarily want to say the road to The Bachelor mansion is paved with bad intentions (but it is - bad intentions, broken dreams, and a caulking agent made out of used condoms), but I do think a lot of these guys (and girls) come on the show with the ultimate goal of being the next bachelor(ette). It's the competition within the competition, and while some of the guys may wind up falling in mad, passionate, and lasting love with Desiree (although, spoiler alert: they won't), a lot of them are still probably coming into the game with other intentions in mind. All that being said, I am 100% okay with James being ostracized for being the one guy stupid enough to voice his intentions aloud.

Juan Pablo:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
I'm not going to spend time talking about Juan Pablo as Mr. America because I can only foresee trouble from a conversation about whether Juan Pablo is "American enough" (and I promised myself I would never use the term "anchor baby" on this blog...and, also, you know, in life in general). But did anyone else notice Juan Pablo just sort of casually dropping a reference to the fact that he has a daughter? That seems sort of like a revelation we should have gotten pre-pageant.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:

I personally don't really see the sexiness in all that is Juan Pablo, but I bet that if he became the next Bachelor, women would be literally salivating at the chance to become Mrs. Miami FC (yes, I googled Juan Pablo. If only that was the most embarrassing thing in my search history this week). However, my concern with Juan Pablo is that he wouldn't pass the rigorous Bachelor(ette) vetting process (which I assume involves Chris Harrison, a deep-set armchair, and intense, intense scrutiny). There's something about Juan Pablo that's just a bit too laissez faire, a bit too "I'm here for the smooching and, best case scenario, the fantasy suite." I 'm just not buying that he's really in this whole thing to find a wife.

Kasey:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
The only argument I can make here is that he actually won. He seems kinda funny and, I guess, sorta fun, but even Des seemed a little bit disappointed to see him get the crown.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Kasey's not going to hang around long enough to be eligible for the nod. Now that the Zack K. buffer is gone, he's gotta be on the chopping block next episode.

Michael G.:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Michael G. was actually hilarious throughout this whole date. Whereas I previously found him catty and sorta whiney, this week the scale tipped in favor of his delightfulness. Plus, apparently, it has always been his dream to become Mr. America, and this country is about nothing if not making sarcastic dreams come true.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Given his remarkably high screen time to chemistry with Desiree ratio, I wonder if The Bachelor isn't exactly the role that Michael's being groomed for. He seems relatively witty and smart enough to carry a season by himself, and I would actually look forward to his season with slightly less dread than usual - because apparently I crave crushing disappointment.

Mikey T.:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
I completely realize that both ABC and myself have been treating Mr. America like Miss America when really it's much more of a PEDs-fueled body-builder competition. In that sense, Mikey is exactly who should win, even if all the steroids have turned his insides soft like a woman's.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Like Brad, I think Mikey is much more likely to end up on Bachelor Pad than as the next Bachelor, but wouldn't it be great if he was? Just for something different.

Zack K.
I don't really have to write about Zack K., do I? I think this is probably only the 2nd time I've ever written his name.

Zak W. 
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So, I'm not so sure about Mr. America, but Zak W. is certainly going to take the Camp Lackawanna  Talent Show by storm. All the over-the-shirt action he can take for the rest of the summer!

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Zak is so sweet and so sincere and so utterly unaware of his buffoonery. I wish we lived in a world where the Zak W's got to be the next Bachelor, but sadly, we live in a world where we get boring, well-mannered dolts who only take their shirts off when Chris Harrison says it's okay.

Episode 4, The Girl

It's been another two weeks of The Bachelorette and we're all another two weeks richer from the cutting insights we've been given into Des' character. I know that she's already landed The Bachelorette gig, and has a captive audience of 11-13 guys (or maybe 14. I can probably still count Brandon, right?) vying for her attention, but it really does seem like we're getting less of Desiree than one normally gets out of The Bachelorette. No talk of kids or her burgeoning dentistry career and way less talk about her family's tragic poverty that you think (not that I'm complaining - Manny and Jan's anniversary was, by far, the least boring date of the season). Nevertheless, after combing through my highly detailed notes (boy, do I wish that was another punchy joke), I've gleaned just a few tidbits of information to help us sketch out Des' pretty sketchy character. In no particular order:

She has red-green color blindness

...Albeit an oddly specific form of red-green color blindness that only renders the afflicted incapable of seeing red flags (I'm sure you all remember the date when she tearfully confessed this tragic malady to Sean. If I'm not mistaken, there was a romantic sunset and a private concert by John Smith and the

Generics).

Exhibit 1, Ben
We've already talked about the discomfort Des should feel with Ben's baby mama-cum-best friend. Flag on the play - too many ladies on the field.

Exhibit 2, James

So, I'm not actually convinced that it's that big of a deal that James cheated on his ex-girlfriend freshman year of college. It had to have been close to ten years ago and, if my math is correct, it was a girl he'd been dating since 8th grade, so I might have more reservations if he hadn't cheated on her and had still somehow wound up on the show. If Des were my friend and this were real life, I'd completely advise her to give him a shot. But, it's really not, and she has twelve other guys around with no proven record of cheating (yet). It just doesn't really seem worth the risk. False start, Des. This play is dead.

Exhibit 3, Brad

Brad is gone now, so this really seems like less of an issue, but the speed at which he was dismissed was still cause for concern. He might be the nicest guy in the world and the victim of the tragic-est circumstances, but if a guy tells you that another woman filed a restraining order against him and that he had domestic assault charges filed against him, you don't walk. You run. (Do I dare make a "Rouging the Passer" joke? I think perhaps not).

She's selfless

What's that you say? Selfish is the one where you're too self-absorbed to car about other people's feelings? Then, yep, I meant that one.

Exhibit 1, James

So, Hurricane Sandy was devastating and tragic and even I am not cynical enough to say anything off-color about ABC's choice to put in a lengthy plug for the Red Cross. But James just told Des last week that his dad has what is, all too often, a terminal form of cancer. It seems just a wee bit insensitive to force him to go on a date where he has to spend his energy feeling sad for someone else.

Exhibit 2, The Anniversary Date

There's really no doubt that the decision to donate the Anniversary date wasn't actually made my Desiree and James. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have made it - just that they didn't have to because it had already been choreographed by Chris Harrison's well-manicured hands (and I know what you're thinking - Doesn't Chris Harrison usually feature grand jete's in all his work?  And yes, well-spotted. Yes, he does. But he must have made an exception, just this once). But even if it had been conceived of and executed by Des herself, I'm just not convinced that this gesture was all that nice.

When Des first offered the date, Manny was all in, but you could see Jan thinking, "Really? I just relived my horrible pain for a single night out?...You're not going maybe pay to rebuild my house?  Or at least roll up your sequined sleeves and pitch in for an hour or two?"  And then, once their anniversary started, not only did they keep the cameras rolling, but Des and James kept showing up. All poor Manny and Jan wanted to do was look at their rescued wedding photos (which, I admit, got me a little bit - I'm not made of stone) and bask in each others' love, but instead they had to endure repeated reminders that their special night was all an act of charity from a special lady. And don't even get me started on the Darius Rucker concert that they were allowed to enjoy for a single song before being

ushered out so that Des and James could make out. he fact that Manny's really more of a Hootie and the Blowfish kind of man is simply no excuse for being rude.

Exhibit 3, The Quote

"I mean, I could live on an island with someone I love."

Seriously Des? Is "live on an island" code for "take a vow of poverty"? Did you mean to say "live in a tent"? Because I'm not sure living on an island with someone you care deeply about is considered a great personal sacrifice in large swaths of the world. In fact, if there's a groupon for that, I can probably think of a few couples who might be interested.

She's a psychology buff

Hear me out because this one requires something of a journey (but don't worry - it will be an amazing, amazing journey, and I can't think of anyone better to go on it with me than you):

Exhibit The Only Exhibit - Brad

So, there's this theory in psychology (that I'm sure will sound familiar to those of you who took Psych 101...like, I assume, Des did...) about the misattribution of arousal. And basically, the premise is that people are more likely to find others attractive after they've completed some form of physical activity (or are nervous or scared). After you've finished up a few reps on the, er, machines (did I ruin my gym rat credibility), your heart is racing, your adrenaline is up, and you're already displaying these physical symptoms of attraction due to your recent exertions (so...sorry sorority sisters who used to wake up at 5 am to put make up on before coming to the gym when it opened at 6 - that time probably would have been better spent doing literally anything else). You have to think that Des, already very familiar with this theory (because she definitely doesn't seem like the wearing make up to the gym type...) and very eager to find a connection with Brad, was attempting to misattribute a few things of her own when she dragged the poor guy breathless to the top of the lighthouse. Because she couldn't have just been bringing him up there to tell him she was sending him home, right?  I mean, no one is that big of a dick....right...?

Episode 3, The Scores

	Ben – 45 +20 for stealing unsanctioned one-on-one time +10 for saying he wasn't there to make friends +10 for kissing during a group date +5 for a rose
	Brad – 25 +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for saying he shared a connection with Desiree +5 for a rose
	Brandon – 50 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for kissing during a group date +15 for saying he was falling in love Bonus: +10 for the love thing - it was just way, way too early
	Bryden – 26 +1 for use of amazing +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for a rose
	Brian – 150 Eliminated +100 for getting kicked off outside of game play +50 for the revelation of a girlfriend back home
	Brooks - 41 +25 for requiring a vehicle with a siren +1 for use of amazing +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for a rose
	Chris – 40 +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a date rose
	Dan – 10 Eliminated +10 for giving Des a gift (albeit a gift that he clearly stole from craft services)
	Drew – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for winning at dodgeball. I hope he adds this to his resume
	James – 40 +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a date rose
	Juan Pablo – 30 +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for having Des comment on his attractiveness +5 for a rose
	Kasey – 30 +10 for facing a fear +20 for a date rose
	Michael G. – 5 + 5 for a rose
	Mikey T. – 15 +10 for threatening violence +5 for a rose
	Zack K. – 5 +5 for a rose
	Zak W. – 5 +5 for a rose Non-bonus: He should receive -50 for talking about kissing Des and then completely failing to do so.  If I did give negative points, this kind of panty-waisted activity would be exactly what they were meant for!