Week 2, The Girl

 
  There's always an interesting sort of transformation when a guy or a girl turns from just one of a throng of hopefuls into the Bachelor or Bachelorette. I suppose it's no shock that when you're trying to be the nicest, most fun, most attractive girl in the room, it's hard to really let your true personality shine through (unless you're able to successfully activate the "most model-ly" loophole and can ignore all that other nonsense). However, every year, I find myself somewhat shocked by whichever self-employed beauty queen or hard body decides to don the mantle. Much like last season's Bachelor, I wake up a few weeks later and think, "Is this really the girl I'm stuck with?" (Although unlike those hapless men, I do not wake up and think "Dear Lord - is that what she looks like under the layer of slap?")

  Despite my staunch refusal to believe in the process (Bless me, Chris Harrison, for I have sinned), my repeated protestations that you can't truly get to know someone over the course of three months when you're dating 15 other girls, by the end of each season, I seem to think that I have all the players down pat and that I know exactly the kind of Bachelor/ette each heir to the throne will become. And let's face it. Every year I'm wrong.

  I thought Emily would be boring, and she turned out to be full of sassitude.  I thought Ben would be unique and interesting to watch, and he just followed his penis like every other man (Every other man on the Bachelor.  At the very least, I imagine the Dalai Lama consults some other organs when making important life decisions). I though Brad Womack would be...well, actually, as a matter of principal, I try not to think about Brad Womack period.

  The point is, I've made no bones about the fact that I don't really care for Desiree, that I must have been out of the room getting an ice cream sandwich when she shared the charming witticism or the tinkling laughter that made America fall in love. I thought she spent far too much time talking about her unique way of thinking, her joie de vivre, and her humble soul and completely neglected her obvious arrogance and, well, pretty much everything else of value. But it turns out, the Des we saw with Sean, may not be the Des who's allowed to stand alone (Something Sean would only have permitted if he had been given ample time to assure the safeness of the neighborhood and if he was allowed to lurk in the background in a tree just to make extra sure that she didn't have to muss her hair or anything).

 So far, Desiree's shown off none of the braggadocios weaponry she kept polished for good old Sean (though mostly because he liked to admire the reflection of himself flexing his biceps in the barrel), but has found completely new ways to keep me from falling in love. So here, in no particular order, are things the first two episodes have taught me about Des:

She's taking a break from the recent Bachelor tradition of piety.
  I actually don't have a problem with this. After a family friendly, G-rated Emily, and a re-virginized PG-rated Sean, Desiree's lasciviousness is actually kind of refreshing. Plus, with Bachelor Pad on hiatus, we all need some smut to get us through the summer.

Exhibit 1, Zak
 On night 1, Desiree didn't just encourage Zak to get naked and jump in the pool (she may have said "just kidding" but I think we all know she didn't mean it), she rewarded him for it with a first impression rose. Plus, I think she pocketed Jonathan's fantasy suite key to slip it to him later.

Exhibit 2, The Tongue Action
  She did an awful lot of kissing on this week's first dates. And I'm not judging, but I don't think I remember reading the line "Just kiss me already" as recommended practice in The Rules.

Exhibit 3, Take it Off!
  She has yelled some variation of "Take it Off" or "Get Naked more times in the first two episodes than Emily did in her whole season. Not that 0 times was a particularly hard target to beat.

Exhibit 4, "California embodies everything I am..."
 ..."There's so many opportunities to explore." Not, I probably can't prove that Des intended that to be quite as innuendo laden as it came out. But can you prove that she didn't?

She's a crier.
  There's nothing I hate more than a Bachelorette who stomps on some poor schmuck's heart and then complains about how difficult it was for her (You hear that, anchovies? You've been downgraded!). If night one was any kind of indication of things to come, this pet peeve has Des written all over it. No exhibits necessary for this one. It pretty much explains itself.

She's not afflicted by the classic Bachelor(ette) Tragedy Boner.
  This might just be sign of normal human decency, being the kind of person who's not necessarily eager to go dark on date number one. But while I understand her attraction to keeping things flirty and fun - at least for the first 18 minutes of her blossoming relationships - some of her reactions to the men's tearful confessions bordered on, and perhaps crossed over into, insensitive.

Exhibit 1, Bryden
  Maybe she was just confused, but her "were you injured?" reaction to Bryden's description of his terrifying and devastating car wreck makes me suspect she might not have been fully listening.

Exhibit 2, Brandon
  Brandon is too much, too soon, but Des got all the way through "abandoned by my father" and "mother's tragic addiction" before it darned on her that she should maybe stopped smiling.

Exhibit 3, Michael G.
 Yes, Ben stole her away at an inopportune moment, but if night one proved anything, it's that Des knows how to say "no." This probably would have been an appropriate time to exercise that option.



She's maybe, kind of, not that nice.
  See above, Exhibits 1-3.  Also:

Exhibit 1, Diogo
  Des appeared visibly appalled by Diogo's bold if somewhat awkward gesture. I know I blamed this on Chris Harrison in last week's posts, but really, it was just kind of bitchy.

Exhibit 2, Her Self-Centered Sense of Entitlement
 Most Bachelorettes really pretty heavily on the "I can't believe this is happening to little old me" card, but Desiree seems to be playing with an entirely different deck. Comments like "This is like my dream - surrounded by men who adore me" and "It's so weird to see men jump through hoops for me, but I love it" set her apart from others who have stood in her shoes, and her inability to admit that Sean might have had something more real with Catherine really brought it home. But the real key for me was the line, "I know what it's like to not have things I want." I know that you don't come from tons of money Desiree, but you're beautiful, have your dream job, and have a group of men falling over themselves to get down on one knee and put a ring on your 25 year old finger. And do you know who else knows what it's like not the get everything they want? Other humans.