Ben:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Well, if Mr. America is anything like its female counterpart pageant, then there's sure to be a morality clause that prevents single dad Ben from competing (or that at least allows Donald Trump to publicly disgrace him for his choices before unceremoniously stripping him of the crown). But if it weren't for that, I would really think that Ben has what it takes. Mr. America is really just someone who's here to make friends with the country, and with Ben's winning charm and easy likeability, he's pretty much perfect for the job.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
He won't be, but isn't it time that Chris Harrison and the gang give a villain a shot? I wouldn't advocate for Ben necessarily who is barely as interesting/evil as Sean Lowe much less Courtney or Bentley, but wouldn't we all watch the hell out of that show?
Brad:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Brad's just the sort of bland, unthreateningly attractive man that pageants were built for. Plus, when he said Desiree "made the right choice for herself" in his limo interview, it was pretty much the perfect, pageant-ready answer.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brad could barely string two sentences together during his one-on-one with Desiree, so I don't think this job is for him, but I do think there's potential for him to snag the "Who's that guy again?" spot on Bachelor Pad before sleeping through half the house and causing Jamie Otis' head to implode (since it's really only rather tenuously supported by her weight-bearing self-confidence as it is).
Brooks:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Despite winning second runner-up, Brooks' self-deprecating humor throughout, his single glove-wearing, ukulele-playing talent, and his excitement about lions were the work of a Mr. Congeniality. Not a winner!
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brooks is still the clear front runner to win, but if he doesn't, he has just the sort of bland and aw shucks sweetness that ABC considers its holy grail.
Bryden:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So Bryden actually seemed more at home chatting up Miss America than he ever has during one-on-one time with Des. Maybe the gentleman just prefers blondes, or maybe the pageant world is made for him. He will have to get the pelvic thrusting under control, though - unless you're a heavily made-up six-year-old, there's just no place for that in the pageant world.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
I mean, the man is an Iraq War Vet. He says "amazing" approximately 3 times per sentence. I look forward to the all blonde cast of The Bachelor, Season 18.
Chris:Why he should have been Mr. America:
You may have thought Chris grabbed those heels to show off his playful side to Des, but really he was just hording sharp objects in case he had to take a few of his competitors down. Making comments about the lovable Mikey being a meat head, fashioning a prison-style shiv out of a stiletto (you know, like in all the prisons where heels are a standard part of the uniform....). Is there nothing this guy won't stoop to to win?
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
So, I don't actually think Chris needs to be concerned with being shunted into the friend zone with Des (sorry, gentlemen with the Christian name "Michael." That concern falls to you), but it does seem like the guy who gets placed squarely into the non-romantic affection bucket (the guy who prompts the women of America to scream at their TVs, "Don't worry Jake/Craig/Sean. I'll date you.") that inevitably gets the chance to be the next season's main event.
Drew:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
He certainly has the walk down. Although I picture him in more of a scarf-wearing, fence-headdress-donning sort of catwalk situation than a Boomer Esiason-emceed, Jonas Brothers-serenaded one.Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Despite him pretty much never talking, the "coming up" scenes fromt he first episode and the slight uptick in his camera time (which he's certainly using well. I particularly enjoyed his "hodgepodge of tomfoolery" comment) still led me to believe that he's poised to make a dark horse run. And then, if he falls short on getting that final rose, he'll have us right where he wants us....
James:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
On the one hand, I think James is probably too tatted up to excel on the pageant circuit, but on the other hand, it might be the perfect venue for his intensely earnest intensity.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Now, I don't necessarily want to say the road to The Bachelor mansion is paved with bad intentions (but it is - bad intentions, broken dreams, and a caulking agent made out of used condoms), but I do think a lot of these guys (and girls) come on the show with the ultimate goal of being the next bachelor(ette). It's the competition within the competition, and while some of the guys may wind up falling in mad, passionate, and lasting love with Desiree (although, spoiler alert: they won't), a lot of them are still probably coming into the game with other intentions in mind. All that being said, I am 100% okay with James being ostracized for being the one guy stupid enough to voice his intentions aloud.
Juan Pablo:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
I'm not going to spend time talking about Juan Pablo as Mr. America because I can only foresee trouble from a conversation about whether Juan Pablo is "American enough" (and I promised myself I would never use the term "anchor baby" on this blog...and, also, you know, in life in general). But did anyone else notice Juan Pablo just sort of casually dropping a reference to the fact that he has a daughter? That seems sort of like a revelation we should have gotten pre-pageant.Why he should be the next Bachelor:
I personally don't really see the sexiness in all that is Juan Pablo, but I bet that if he became the next Bachelor, women would be literally salivating at the chance to become Mrs. Miami FC (yes, I googled Juan Pablo. If only that was the most embarrassing thing in my search history this week). However, my concern with Juan Pablo is that he wouldn't pass the rigorous Bachelor(ette) vetting process (which I assume involves Chris Harrison, a deep-set armchair, and intense, intense scrutiny). There's something about Juan Pablo that's just a bit too laissez faire, a bit too "I'm here for the smooching and, best case scenario, the fantasy suite." I 'm just not buying that he's really in this whole thing to find a wife.
Kasey:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
The only argument I can make here is that he actually won. He seems kinda funny and, I guess, sorta fun, but even Des seemed a little bit disappointed to see him get the crown.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Kasey's not going to hang around long enough to be eligible for the nod. Now that the Zack K. buffer is gone, he's gotta be on the chopping block next episode.
Michael G.:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Michael G. was actually hilarious throughout this whole date. Whereas I previously found him catty and sorta whiney, this week the scale tipped in favor of his delightfulness. Plus, apparently, it has always been his dream to become Mr. America, and this country is about nothing if not making sarcastic dreams come true.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Given his remarkably high screen time to chemistry with Desiree ratio, I wonder if The Bachelor isn't exactly the role that Michael's being groomed for. He seems relatively witty and smart enough to carry a season by himself, and I would actually look forward to his season with slightly less dread than usual - because apparently I crave crushing disappointment.
Mikey T.:Why he should have been Mr. America:
I completely realize that both ABC and myself have been treating Mr. America like Miss America when really it's much more of a PEDs-fueled body-builder competition. In that sense, Mikey is exactly who should win, even if all the steroids have turned his insides soft like a woman's.
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Like Brad, I think Mikey is much more likely to end up on Bachelor Pad than as the next Bachelor, but wouldn't it be great if he was? Just for something different.
Zack K.
I don't really have to write about Zack K., do I? I think this is probably only the 2nd time I've ever written his name.
Zak W.
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So, I'm not so sure about Mr. America, but Zak W. is certainly going to take the Camp Lackawanna Talent Show by storm. All the over-the-shirt action he can take for the rest of the summer!
Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Zak is so sweet and so sincere and so utterly unaware of his buffoonery. I wish we lived in a world where the Zak W's got to be the next Bachelor, but sadly, we live in a world where we get boring, well-mannered dolts who only take their shirts off when Chris Harrison says it's okay.
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