Weeks 1 and 2, Some Preliminary Thoughts

I'll be throwing together some consolidated scores for Weeks 1-3 later this week, but it just didn't seem right to let such a brilliant beginning to the season pass without commemorating it. I watched the two episodes back-to-back (and so help me, Harrison, if there is a very special two night event this week, I will end you), so naturally, I no longer have the ability to form coherent sentences. So here, in just a few bullets, are some patterns, I saw emerge in these first league weeks:

Things Kaitlyn Likes:

Men who Take Control: It's not easy to find a pattern in Kaitlyn's attraction. The girl clearly doesn't have a time. From the bulky, meat-heady Ben Z. to the gentle, believer-than-the-children-are-our-future Ben H. (maybe it's...just guys named Ben?), whether it's the smarmy, smug J.J. or the bumbling and slightly vampiric Joe, she seems to like 'em best when they're mauling her face (you know, with their tongues. not, like, with a meat tenderizer or anything).

Men who Just Have that Something...I can't Really Describe It...: Perhaps I'm having a hard time identifying Kaitlyn's type because this is how she describes pretty much every single one of the guys she likes. Don't get me wrong, so far, I'm fidning Kaitlyn quite delightful, but at a certain point, its gotta be less about the potency of these guy's intangibles and more about a desperate need for Kaitlyn to use her words.

Hockey: So...obviously, I coul be making a bit of an assumption here based on her Canadian citizenship, but..is there really any other way to explain her ongoing attraction to J.J.? Also, not even joking, I just did some light googling and she apparently actually used to date an Edmonton Oiler. It seems more and more likely that she's just using this experience to parlay that relationship into someone who plays for a not-entirely-terrible team.

I dare you to come up with a better use for my time than
finding this screen shot...

Naked Male Aggression: I mean...why can't they all just go to the zoo? Look, I don't want to go full-Tony here. I get that the sumo wrestling was largely silly and fun (the excited sumo wrestler sneaking into the house pretty much ade the entire season for me). But that doesn't change the fact that the first two
epsiodes featured sme sort of fighting date. And I gotta think that has a whole lot to do with item #1 (and lest you think I'm criticizing Kaitlyn unfairly, also evolutionary biology).

Naked Males: Testicles and all.

Things Kaitlyn Doesn't Like:

One of these is the face of a man who feels deep, deep shame

Birds: And I gotta say, while I see the need for Chris Harrison to step up his hosting game after Jimmy Kimmel knocked it out of the park, it also seems like he could have achieved the same effect by sending Kaitlyn to any public square. Though perhaps with considerably fewer obvious metaphors about love.

Drama: Which for the record, rhymes with Alabama and Spin-o-rama not with Barack Obama. Nobody likes drama (you know, assuming we're ignoring the show's producers me, Daniel Day Lewis...), and poor Kaitlyn really seems to have gotten more than her fair share of it in the first couple of episodes this season. So let's take a little bit of a deeper look (sub-bullet deep, where dwell the creatures of no eyes and translucent skin...creatures named Clint...) at the horrors Kaitlyn has endured in these past few weeks:

Though hilariously,
somehow in this picture,
producer Howard looks like
he and Kupah have just been
caught necking....

     Kupah: I've mentioned that so far, I like Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette. And yet, even she does not appear to be immune to the heady power that comes along with the role. I think I talked abou tthis already a couple of seasons ago with Andi, but there's something very wrong with declaring a man an inappropriate candidate for lifelong partnership because he dared question you. That being said, while challenging a person doesn't seem like adequate grounds for dismissal, lashing out in half-drunk rage at an innocent producer (who, all he wanted to do was just go to work, look like Howard really wanted to be helpful, he would start setting up dates where the men debated immigration reform while being incessantly flicked in the earlobes by fans of their rival sports teams, you know, just to weed any other potential Kupahs out.
Stern, and make sure that everyone was there for the right reasons) probably is. If Chris Harrison

    Tony: Well, chalk up another neary criminal failure for the Bachelor psychologist. Tony may have the eyes of a child, the soul of a warrior, and the toenail clippings of a gypsy he met on the greyhound, but he also has the psyche of someone too unfunny and sad to make any sort of cheap joke about. Kaitlyn even alluded to his tragic past about which, clearly only she got to learn. Beacuse it seems they are legally obligated to give people an edit that suggests that they are electively strange rather than mentally unwell.

Clint: Oh, Clint, lover of the triceratops, how gravely you disappoint me. I don't care about his bromance with J.J.  or the grossly self-interested edit they're clearly giving him to generate buzz over his sexuality. But the speed at which he flipped the switch on how he felt abbout Kaitlyn was petulant at best. With tantrums like that, it seems a favorite dinosaur isn't the only thing he has in common with someone who carries around a security blanket (a security blanket named J. J.).

This one is already doing her best to emulate Jessie Spano, and
I think we all know how that turned out...ahem, Showgirls.

One-on-One Dates: Which I thank her for. I'm not entirely convinced I wouldn't still watch if blushing men, stammering out scientific names for the female reproductive system was the whole show. Although shame on all of those parents for enabling my enjoyment at their children's expense. At least one of those kids is heading straight to the gutter of humanity and will be the most dramatic contestant ever on Season 43 of the Bachelor.

People Who Claim to be Smarter than Everyone Else and then Prove it by Making up Incomprehensible Verbs: Okay...this one might just be me. But what can I say? Judgemental fantasy league commissioners who enjoy making a sport out of the misery of assholes gotta vill.

Episode 6, The Guys

  So, I don't actually know any men who watch a lot of women's sports outside of, maybe tennis and the Olympics. A lot of them feel that, compared to their male counterparts, female athletes are slower, less physical, and generally less entertaining to watch. And I could go on about how this is a byproduct of latent sexism caused by the entrenched gender roles of kindergarten classrooms and Society, but I won't because the only group of people I know who spend even less time watching women's sports than man are other women. I don't think there's anything wrong with hypothesizing that 9 times out of 10, a professional men's team will beat a professional women's team of the same relative caliber (and the 10th time there's a Chinese swimmer involved that you just know is up to something fishy) because despite gender equality in sense, intelligence, and the ability to watch Brian's Song without crying, we still have some physical differences. But despite all this, I don't think I know any man who is possessed of the asinine arrogance that enables him to believe that he, an average run-of-the-mill guy with maybe  a few year's of high school soccer under his belt could hold his own against a professional women's team. So here, in order of how abhorrent I now find them after this week's display, are the men:

Michael G. - Okay, so Michael G. didn't do or say anything particularly upsetting to set my generally repressed "Girl Power" sensibilities a-tingling, but I just couldn't place him anywhere but first on this list. It would probably be enough to ensure my everlasting hate that he just won't stop with the courtroom drama cliches, but Michael's offenses go beyond that. I think Michael is probably pretty easily the smartest guy in the house, and I think, Jame is right, he uses his intelligence to bully people. There was just no reason for him to be in the middle of the James drama this week, and if his job wasn't on the line before, you  can imagine Eric Holder (or whoever on his staff has been tasked with watching The Bachelorette to ensure that his reputation for being tough but fair and the general honor afforded to his office remains in tact), will be none to pleased to discover Michael apparently doesn't know what hearsay is.

Kasey: Kasey got the slight edge over Brooks here because of his involvement in the whole James thing (although, let's face it, Brooks and Chris were probably both involved but were just shielded from appearing on screen during the whole debacle because there the runway favorites to win/become the next super boring Bachelor), but really it was his sickening laugh and gleeful exclamation of "It's six girls," that drove the reversal of my affections from last week.

Brooks: It's possible that Brooks was just trying to be funny - he seemed to be cast in that role a lot during this episode, providing one-liner quips about Juan Pablo and James - but he dropped a few levels in my already pretty apathetic esteem when he said, "If we don't beat [the girls] we're going to be embarrassed forever." Maybe this kind of sexism really rings Des' bell (see: Lowe, Sean), but she has to at least reconsider a little given the moronic irony of his follow up comment that James was failing the team by playing like a girl.

James: So, more on James later, but there is nothing I hate more in a villain than the "Everybody's ganing up on me" defense. If everybody's going to doing it anyway, James, don't waste your energy whining about feeling excluded. Do something awesome and evil to deserve it.

Chris: I know that this week it wasn't technically his fault, but it's hard not too hate a guy who's followed by rhyming poetry every time he appears on screen (hell, it'd be pretty damn insufferable with not rhyming poetry). Can you even imagine the crimes against the English language we're all in store for if Chris becomes the next Bachelor?

Drew: Because what woman wants to make out in a well-appointed, warmly-lit courtyard when she can do the same in a dark alley where the presence of her camera crew is even less subtle?

Juan Pablo: I'm sure I could have come up with a reason to hate him if he had only been given more screen time, but at least Juan Pablo gave credit where credit was due to the talent of the lady soccer players this week. I will say that his wikipedia page (which, yes, I've read twice now for those of you judging at home) leads me to believe that he abandoned his soccer career so he could spend more time with his daughter....by launching a new career in American reality TV. So we can certainly say that critical reasoning is maybe not his strong suit.

Zak: Okay, I admit it. I've gone full on Blakey over Zak (which is appropriate as I imagine they've both had similar degrees of "work" done). While I would never want to date him myself or foist him onto anyone I know, in the context of the show, I think he's the best, and I hope he gets to show Des his naked balcony, and demonstrate his expertise in fluid drilling, and do all kinds of things that sound vaguely dirty but that I intend innocently before his 6-month engagement to her ends in heartbreak. Ultimately, I know the best Zak can hope for is to ride Desiree's inexplicably attraction to him to the fantasy suite, but his exaggerated facial expressions, his goofy delight at his own ridiculousness on his date, and his restraint from making any kind of homophobic comment about the nude model (which, while hopefully standard in the real world, must be considered admirable in the strangely conservative world of the Bachelor/ette) has me hoping he'll go the distance.

Episode 4, The Guys

So, I admit it, the Mr. America pageant kind of got me. There was just something fun about watching the men goof around and explore their talents 80's movie montage-style that we don't usually have access to in your average episode where they're increasingly packaged as muscle-wrapped heartbreak. I found myself actually rooting for certain guys to succeed in a way that I don't do when the prize is temporary ownership of a 50 carat diamond instead of a massive plush crown. (And speak of which, should we be at all concerned that this group of guys has better chemistry with each other than with Des?  I think at least half of them are really pulling for Brooks to win). So I wanted to take a moment to reflect on which guy should have taken the crown and who's on pace to win the ultimate prize (no, not Des' virginity...she's not that kind of a girl...), which, if scenes from next week serve as a reminder, is to win the title of the next Bachelor much more than it is to walk away with the final rose. So here, in a very particular order (alphabetical):

Ben:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Well, if Mr. America is anything like its female counterpart pageant, then there's sure to be a morality clause that prevents single dad Ben from competing (or that at least allows Donald Trump to publicly disgrace him for his choices before unceremoniously stripping him of the crown). But if it weren't for that, I would really think that Ben has what it takes. Mr. America is really just someone who's here to make friends with the country, and with Ben's winning charm and easy likeability, he's pretty much perfect for the job.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
He won't be, but isn't it time that Chris Harrison and the gang give a villain a shot? I wouldn't advocate for Ben necessarily who is barely as interesting/evil as Sean Lowe much less Courtney or Bentley, but wouldn't we all watch the hell out of that show?

Brad:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Brad's just the sort of bland, unthreateningly attractive man that pageants were built for. Plus, when he said Desiree "made the right choice for herself" in his limo interview, it was pretty much the perfect, pageant-ready answer.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brad could barely string two sentences together during his one-on-one with Desiree, so I don't think this job is for him, but I do think there's potential for him to snag the "Who's that guy again?" spot on Bachelor Pad before sleeping through half the house and causing Jamie Otis' head to implode (since it's really only rather tenuously supported by her weight-bearing self-confidence as it is).

Brooks:

Why he should have been Mr. America:
Despite winning second runner-up, Brooks' self-deprecating humor throughout, his single glove-wearing, ukulele-playing talent, and his excitement about lions were the work of a Mr. Congeniality. Not a winner!

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Brooks is still the clear front runner to win, but if he doesn't, he has just the sort of bland and aw shucks sweetness that ABC considers its holy grail.


Bryden:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So Bryden actually seemed more at home chatting up Miss America than he ever has during one-on-one time with Des. Maybe the gentleman just prefers blondes, or maybe the pageant world is made for him. He will have to get the pelvic thrusting under control, though - unless you're a heavily made-up six-year-old, there's just no place for that in the pageant world.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
I mean, the man is an Iraq War Vet. He says "amazing" approximately 3 times per sentence. I look forward to the all blonde cast of The Bachelor, Season 18.

Chris:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
You may have thought Chris grabbed those heels to show off his playful side to Des, but really he was just hording sharp objects in case he had to take a few of his competitors down. Making comments about the lovable Mikey being a meat head, fashioning a prison-style shiv out of a stiletto (you know, like in all the prisons where heels are a standard part of the uniform....). Is there nothing this guy won't stoop to to win?

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
So, I don't actually think Chris needs to be concerned with being shunted into the friend zone with Des (sorry, gentlemen with the Christian name "Michael." That concern falls to you), but it does seem like the guy who gets placed squarely into the non-romantic affection bucket (the guy who prompts the women of America to scream at their TVs, "Don't worry Jake/Craig/Sean. I'll date you.") that inevitably gets the chance to be the next season's main event.

Drew:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
He certainly has the walk down. Although I picture him in more of a scarf-wearing, fence-headdress-donning sort of catwalk situation than a Boomer Esiason-emceed, Jonas Brothers-serenaded one.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Despite him pretty much never talking, the "coming up" scenes fromt he first episode and the slight uptick in his camera time (which he's certainly using well. I particularly enjoyed his "hodgepodge of tomfoolery" comment) still led me to believe that he's poised to make a dark horse run. And then, if he falls short on getting that final rose, he'll have us right where he wants us....

James:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
On the one hand, I think James is probably too tatted up to excel on the pageant circuit, but on the other hand, it might be the perfect venue for his intensely earnest intensity.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Now, I don't necessarily want to say the road to The Bachelor mansion is paved with bad intentions (but it is - bad intentions, broken dreams, and a caulking agent made out of used condoms), but I do think a lot of these guys (and girls) come on the show with the ultimate goal of being the next bachelor(ette). It's the competition within the competition, and while some of the guys may wind up falling in mad, passionate, and lasting love with Desiree (although, spoiler alert: they won't), a lot of them are still probably coming into the game with other intentions in mind. All that being said, I am 100% okay with James being ostracized for being the one guy stupid enough to voice his intentions aloud.

Juan Pablo:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
I'm not going to spend time talking about Juan Pablo as Mr. America because I can only foresee trouble from a conversation about whether Juan Pablo is "American enough" (and I promised myself I would never use the term "anchor baby" on this blog...and, also, you know, in life in general). But did anyone else notice Juan Pablo just sort of casually dropping a reference to the fact that he has a daughter? That seems sort of like a revelation we should have gotten pre-pageant.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:

I personally don't really see the sexiness in all that is Juan Pablo, but I bet that if he became the next Bachelor, women would be literally salivating at the chance to become Mrs. Miami FC (yes, I googled Juan Pablo. If only that was the most embarrassing thing in my search history this week). However, my concern with Juan Pablo is that he wouldn't pass the rigorous Bachelor(ette) vetting process (which I assume involves Chris Harrison, a deep-set armchair, and intense, intense scrutiny). There's something about Juan Pablo that's just a bit too laissez faire, a bit too "I'm here for the smooching and, best case scenario, the fantasy suite." I 'm just not buying that he's really in this whole thing to find a wife.

Kasey:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
The only argument I can make here is that he actually won. He seems kinda funny and, I guess, sorta fun, but even Des seemed a little bit disappointed to see him get the crown.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Kasey's not going to hang around long enough to be eligible for the nod. Now that the Zack K. buffer is gone, he's gotta be on the chopping block next episode.

Michael G.:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
Michael G. was actually hilarious throughout this whole date. Whereas I previously found him catty and sorta whiney, this week the scale tipped in favor of his delightfulness. Plus, apparently, it has always been his dream to become Mr. America, and this country is about nothing if not making sarcastic dreams come true.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Given his remarkably high screen time to chemistry with Desiree ratio, I wonder if The Bachelor isn't exactly the role that Michael's being groomed for. He seems relatively witty and smart enough to carry a season by himself, and I would actually look forward to his season with slightly less dread than usual - because apparently I crave crushing disappointment.

Mikey T.:
Why he should have been Mr. America:
I completely realize that both ABC and myself have been treating Mr. America like Miss America when really it's much more of a PEDs-fueled body-builder competition. In that sense, Mikey is exactly who should win, even if all the steroids have turned his insides soft like a woman's.

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Like Brad, I think Mikey is much more likely to end up on Bachelor Pad than as the next Bachelor, but wouldn't it be great if he was? Just for something different.

Zack K.
I don't really have to write about Zack K., do I? I think this is probably only the 2nd time I've ever written his name.

Zak W. 
Why he should have been Mr. America:
So, I'm not so sure about Mr. America, but Zak W. is certainly going to take the Camp Lackawanna  Talent Show by storm. All the over-the-shirt action he can take for the rest of the summer!

Why he should be the next Bachelor:
Zak is so sweet and so sincere and so utterly unaware of his buffoonery. I wish we lived in a world where the Zak W's got to be the next Bachelor, but sadly, we live in a world where we get boring, well-mannered dolts who only take their shirts off when Chris Harrison says it's okay.

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