Week 9, The Scores

A few assorted thoughts to begin our penultimate post:

1) First of all, I don't think I've ever made it through a season with so little hate in my heart. The women all seem like legitimately decent human beings who have endured even the ugliest moments of this season with something approaching dignity (the key term being "approaching" as they were undoubtedly forced to hand over their dignity for Chris Harrison to grind up into his skin cream the moment they consented to appear on the show). I almost feel like I like them, like they're real people with feelings and goals, rather than spring break bikini mannequins brought to life to honor one man's desperate wish after he was unceremoniously dumped in a Sears Canada in the midst of a mint green skinny jeans blowout sale. And usually by this point in the year, I would have developed some sort of antipathy toward Ben, rooted in his abuse of power, his belittling of one or more woman's personhood, or just a general sense of yuck. But I even find myself unable to hate Ben. Now, granted, this has a lot to do with how incredibly boring he is as I find myself equally unable to experience any real emotion about Ben: I don't hate him; I don't like him; I'm not amused by him; I don't find him "intriguing"; I don't crave a breakfast sandwich each time I look at his face (so, you know, all the important ones). But still, either these are not terrible people, my postpartum hormones have made me soft, or writing so many mean things about Becca have forced me to involuntarily become a conduit for her robot soul. 

2) It's interesting that Ben is still being painted in such a flattering light after what happened to poor Kaitlyn, as they both pretty seriously violated their contestant's trust. True, Ben didn't bang anyone outside of the show-sanctioned safe space (if there's no disease-riddled hot tub to set the coital mood, then you're basically just being slutty), but it seems like telling multiple women that he loves them is pretty much tantamount to the same thing. Research shows that women perceive emotional infidelity in the same way that women perceive the physical, and so I think we should all be preparing ourselves for Lauren B. to play the part of Sean in the SAT analogy of Bachelor nation's collective lives over minimally the next 6 months.

3) Wasn't it nice to see Chris Harrison this week?

4) Wasn't it especially nice to see Chris Harrison trying his hardest no to laugh in Jo Jo or Lauren B's face as they pretty much told him the exact same thing about Ben's unexpectedly reciprocated love?

5) Apparently Ben has now supplanted Sean Lowe as the most popular Bachelor in history. While I'm not exactly sad about the results, can someone please tell me where to register so that I can participate in these historic votes? Do I need some sort of fan club ID? Do you guys think I'd be a good test subject for a Supreme Court case exploring ABC's systematic disenfranchisement of the cynics?

Okay, on to this week's scores obtained by "doing some of the most romantic things" according to Ben. And I think we can pretty much all agree that he phrased it that way only because "some of the most romantic things" sounds ever so slightly more mature than "it."

	Caila – 95 Eliminated +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +15 for saying "I love you" +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +20 for stealing "unsanctioned time" (which really seems to be a losing strategy this year. Neither Caila nor Leah experienced the sexy results I imagine they were envisioning) +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for telling Ben his break-up speech to her sounded like a line....although she (and everyone else) deserves negative points for not commenting on how every single other thing out of the man's mouth also sounded like a line Important Info: Poor Caila. At least she can say that she went out with class. A few things that we can say: 1) "It's weird to spend a whole day together" is not really the sort of thing you should be saying about a man who you are about to get engaged to. And "Fireworks in his eyes, in the sky, in my heart" isn't really the sort of thing you should be saying outside of a 10th grade poetry class. 2) Not only is it a bad year for stealing unsanctioned time, but it also seems to be a bad year for nonverbal cues. This week Caila got a little bit Olivian with what she claimed to see in Ben's eyes. All the women would have been much better served had they realized that there is nothing of note lurking behind Ben's eyes. 3) Except for some mild skeeviness. The line "I could wake up tomorrow and know for certain that Caila's the one for me" really only has one interpretation (...And that interpretation is obviously that Ben worships at the temple of the dream oracle and he could finally muster up the needed materials for a late night sacrifice with Caila sleeping in his bed. Obviously). 4) And speaking of waking up, Caila really does wake up looking pretty ridiculously amazing. Even in comparison to Jo Jo and Lauren B. who are both incredibly pretty women in their own rights, morning after Caila was pretty awe-inspiring. Can't wait to see if hungover morning after Caila fares the same on Bachelor in Paradise Season 3!
	Jo Jo – 95 +5 for a rose +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a helicopter bonus +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +10 for making her date into a metaphor +15 for saying "I love you" +5 for crying +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite Bonus: +10 for Ben reciprocating her love Important Info: I'm afraid Jo Jo is being set up for heartbreak and her brothers are being set up for a boyz' trip to Dallas to kick a little Bachelor ass. But at least she had one glorious week: 1) I suspect not even Jo Jo believed she was Ben's "main squeeze" when the week started off. Mostly because she told Ben "I love when you're with me" like any self-respecting mistress might. 2) Her relief was palpable when Ben said I love you back, especially compared to the more wary Lauren. But I think I detected just a hint of shock and concern behind Ben's eyes when she started talking about how safe she now felt. 3) I am not at all surprised to learn that Jo Jo calls people "Babe." I have no reason for this lack of surprise, but I assure you it exists (or doesn't exist? Doesn't not exist? Does never not unexist? It's possible I need to spend more time talking to adults) 4) My favorite part of this episode was when Jo Jo commented on it being weird that Ben could now fit them both in one hug. It's not that I don't get what she means, but she basically told the man she allegedly "loves" that it's weird he's only seeing one other girl. 5) While I think Jo Jo is about to get blindsided, at least she'll have the consolation of being the next bachelorette, right? With her spunk, her barely noticeable tomboy side, and her husky voice she has all the standard qualifications. And I will be spending now until the announcement crossing all available digits (including my son's) that they allow her hot brothers to come on the show as fake contestants so that they can be her men on the inside and generally keep everyone in line in the house. I'm pretty sure it would be an amazing twist...unless the producers just want to go ahead and repeat last year's weirdly gross faceoff with someone like Britt.
	Lauren B. – 90 +5 for a rose +15 for Ben commenting on her attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +15 for saying "I love you" Bonus: +10 for having her love reciprocated +15 for being treated to a concert by a band that we will never hear of Important Info:  1) I'm not sure that I'm fully buying that Lauren's lifelong dream was to save the sea turtles but...it's certainly a better dream to admit to than being an NFL cheerleader. 2) So I feel relatively certain that Ben is going to pick Lauren, but after this week, doesn't he sort of have to? Otherwise, you gotta think he spent this week trying to convince Jo Jo that she's not inferior to Lauren "To Good for me" B. 3) It's really interesting that Lauren said she struggled the most with last week where she didn't have to see any of the other women and just got to hang out with Ben. It seems like not having the other women around for comparison was weirdly actually harder for her. Because she is going to win. Hard.