Episode 6, The Guys

  So, I don't actually know any men who watch a lot of women's sports outside of, maybe tennis and the Olympics. A lot of them feel that, compared to their male counterparts, female athletes are slower, less physical, and generally less entertaining to watch. And I could go on about how this is a byproduct of latent sexism caused by the entrenched gender roles of kindergarten classrooms and Society, but I won't because the only group of people I know who spend even less time watching women's sports than man are other women. I don't think there's anything wrong with hypothesizing that 9 times out of 10, a professional men's team will beat a professional women's team of the same relative caliber (and the 10th time there's a Chinese swimmer involved that you just know is up to something fishy) because despite gender equality in sense, intelligence, and the ability to watch Brian's Song without crying, we still have some physical differences. But despite all this, I don't think I know any man who is possessed of the asinine arrogance that enables him to believe that he, an average run-of-the-mill guy with maybe  a few year's of high school soccer under his belt could hold his own against a professional women's team. So here, in order of how abhorrent I now find them after this week's display, are the men:

Michael G. - Okay, so Michael G. didn't do or say anything particularly upsetting to set my generally repressed "Girl Power" sensibilities a-tingling, but I just couldn't place him anywhere but first on this list. It would probably be enough to ensure my everlasting hate that he just won't stop with the courtroom drama cliches, but Michael's offenses go beyond that. I think Michael is probably pretty easily the smartest guy in the house, and I think, Jame is right, he uses his intelligence to bully people. There was just no reason for him to be in the middle of the James drama this week, and if his job wasn't on the line before, you  can imagine Eric Holder (or whoever on his staff has been tasked with watching The Bachelorette to ensure that his reputation for being tough but fair and the general honor afforded to his office remains in tact), will be none to pleased to discover Michael apparently doesn't know what hearsay is.

Kasey: Kasey got the slight edge over Brooks here because of his involvement in the whole James thing (although, let's face it, Brooks and Chris were probably both involved but were just shielded from appearing on screen during the whole debacle because there the runway favorites to win/become the next super boring Bachelor), but really it was his sickening laugh and gleeful exclamation of "It's six girls," that drove the reversal of my affections from last week.

Brooks: It's possible that Brooks was just trying to be funny - he seemed to be cast in that role a lot during this episode, providing one-liner quips about Juan Pablo and James - but he dropped a few levels in my already pretty apathetic esteem when he said, "If we don't beat [the girls] we're going to be embarrassed forever." Maybe this kind of sexism really rings Des' bell (see: Lowe, Sean), but she has to at least reconsider a little given the moronic irony of his follow up comment that James was failing the team by playing like a girl.

James: So, more on James later, but there is nothing I hate more in a villain than the "Everybody's ganing up on me" defense. If everybody's going to doing it anyway, James, don't waste your energy whining about feeling excluded. Do something awesome and evil to deserve it.

Chris: I know that this week it wasn't technically his fault, but it's hard not too hate a guy who's followed by rhyming poetry every time he appears on screen (hell, it'd be pretty damn insufferable with not rhyming poetry). Can you even imagine the crimes against the English language we're all in store for if Chris becomes the next Bachelor?

Drew: Because what woman wants to make out in a well-appointed, warmly-lit courtyard when she can do the same in a dark alley where the presence of her camera crew is even less subtle?

Juan Pablo: I'm sure I could have come up with a reason to hate him if he had only been given more screen time, but at least Juan Pablo gave credit where credit was due to the talent of the lady soccer players this week. I will say that his wikipedia page (which, yes, I've read twice now for those of you judging at home) leads me to believe that he abandoned his soccer career so he could spend more time with his daughter....by launching a new career in American reality TV. So we can certainly say that critical reasoning is maybe not his strong suit.

Zak: Okay, I admit it. I've gone full on Blakey over Zak (which is appropriate as I imagine they've both had similar degrees of "work" done). While I would never want to date him myself or foist him onto anyone I know, in the context of the show, I think he's the best, and I hope he gets to show Des his naked balcony, and demonstrate his expertise in fluid drilling, and do all kinds of things that sound vaguely dirty but that I intend innocently before his 6-month engagement to her ends in heartbreak. Ultimately, I know the best Zak can hope for is to ride Desiree's inexplicably attraction to him to the fantasy suite, but his exaggerated facial expressions, his goofy delight at his own ridiculousness on his date, and his restraint from making any kind of homophobic comment about the nude model (which, while hopefully standard in the real world, must be considered admirable in the strangely conservative world of the Bachelor/ette) has me hoping he'll go the distance.