So, circumstances have conspired to keep me from watching the Bachelorette this week, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it (cue one of the millions of ethereal covers for the Rolling Stone's Wild Horses). Hometown's have never been my favorite, but I do understand and honor their importance, acknowledgeing that this week has been the turning point for many a bachelor hopeful. With that said (Oh god, it's contagious), I've developed an algorithm to measure hometown date success that can be used both by future bachelor aspirants and by myself when I get around to watching this later in the week, finally freed from the shackles of doing things that people pay me for. I wouldn't recommend applying this analysis to, say, the first time you meet your boyfriend's parents, but in the world of the Bachelor(ette), it's more than just theory. It's fact!
The metrics that make up this algorithm are:
D = the Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry: In real life, we want a man who loves his family, who is close with his mother, who values and respects his dad. But you know, maybe not too close. We don't want a man whose parents pop by to visit in the middle of the night just to make sure he didn't have that nightmare again; who requires his mother's approval on everything from the outfits he wears to the distribution of his meals across the food pyramid over the course of the day; who calls his mommy during the limo ride home after a bad date and get's "Here we go again," as a response. Not so in Bachelor/ette land where your family traditions, no matter how creepy; your pranks, no matter how clumsy; your wall art depicting professional family photos taken in matching outfits, no matter how numerous (and at what ages) will never set off the earsplitting warning sirens that have caused other girls to flee in terror since you willingly brought your mother to the prom.
e = the Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials: It doesn't really matter if you're ready to sign on to a lifetime (specifically, the lifetime of a cricket, which generally lives for about 6 months) or pretending you're heading toward marital bliss or not, if you want any kind of shot at that final rose, the hometown date is where you sell your love of commitment. Have your family tell a story about the time you married your kitten when you were four (a puppy will make for an acceptable substitute if you're simply not cat people, but don't go for anything smaller than a rabbit. No one wants to marry a man whose starter wife was a rodent), or how you used to carry a disconcertingly lifelike doll around and pretend that you were its dad (they can omit the detail that this was in college if you judge it to be best). Whatever you do, don't let even a hint, even a small suggestion that you might not be ready for marriage cross your family's lips. No amount of damage control after the fact will remove the doubt from your beloved's mind. Because trusting a veritable stranger who you just met over your soon-to-be fiance is one of the cornerstones of a successful marriage.
L = Likeability: When and if it comes down to a coin flip between you and another equally bland, similarly chiseled contestant, you better believe that the likeability of your family is going to come into play. And I don't mean the quirky "you love them, so I love them" type of likeability either. The bachelorette will not love you in spite of your family. She's got three other men for whom those kinds of compromises don't need to be made. Your family must be warm and loving, must embrace the main stream, may value their membership in an ethnic enclave or other cultural group, but not in a way that makes the white, all-American bachelorette uncomfortable or requires the regular use of a foreign language. Your family is welcome to embarrass you in the name of building sisterhood with the bachelorette, but they must never embarrass her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way (helpful hints include not looking the bachelorette directly in the eye, making sure they have bottled water and her favorite fat free snacks on hand at all times, and using the word "amazing" no less than three times, but not in excess of 7. Just make sure each family member reads her rider, and you'll be fine).
U = Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process: This can be a tricky one because even I who spends an embarrassing number of hours watching and thinking about the Bachelor(ette) don't fully understand the process. Your family must demonstrate full comprehension of the fact that this magical journey you've been on, accompanied by 24 other men, is not only the best way, but maybe the only way to find love in the modern era.
d° = Degree to which They Give the Third Degree: This one's a little bit counter-intuitive, but it's actually to your benefit to encourage your family to subject the bachelorette to some scrutiny when they pull her aside for their not-at-all choreographed chats. If you want her to decided that this is the family of which she wants to be a part, well, you've gotta play a little hard to get! Bear in mind that it is essential that your family walks a fine line, establishing that their impromptu interrogation stems only from their uncomfortable closeness with and mildly upsetting degree of love for you and their deep respect, nay, veneration for the institution of marriage and not from any doubt about her, Chris Harrison's ability as a romantic spirit guide, or, heaven forefend, the process.
E = Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family: Ultimately, once the playing hard to get portion of the evening is through, your family must do everything in their power short of hiring a sky writer (Wait, scratch that. Hire a sky writer. They don't charge by the word, and I hear she likes poetry. What rhymes with "I've always wanted a daughter"?) to enfold her in the bosom of their familial love. Not surprisingly, a high level of scrutiny (d°) has a multiplier effect on the eventual eagerness with which the bachelorette is met.
d = Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette: Again, in real life, it's never a great feeling to have this kind of familial pressure to procreate (I speak from experience here, having married the last remaining male heir who can carry on the family name. Ten years from now when I'm mysteriously beheaded, leaving my 7 daughters motherless, you'll all know who to blame), but in Bachelor(ette) land this sort of pressure seems inexplicably attractive. If you really can't be an only child for the purposes of the show, then make sure you're curses with no more than an awkward brother who will remain endearingly silent throughout dinner, or a gaggle of spinster sisters who make your lack of bitterness and avoidance of using a "y" to spell the word "women" seem positively entrancing by comparison.
Rate each of these metrics on a 10 point scale, mix it all together using some math and stuff, and you get a foolproof algorithm for S = Success of Hometown Date, or:
S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)
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