Episode 7, The Bad - Coming to a Theater Near You in May of 2014: Michael

Now, I don't think that just because Michael went home this week, it means he should miss out on all the fun (by which I mean my fun at his expense). Because if Desiree had let him get that far, Michael would have had to show off his lavishly furnished apartment that no respectable federal prosecutor could possibly afford and confess that he was on the take.

I know that it sounds kind of unlikely, but this pretty much explains everything we know and question about Michael. It's really sort of your classic American tragedy. Just picture Michael: young, fatherless, and crippled by medical bills. With no real hope for his future, for his continued educational development, for someday embarrassing himself on national TV. Then, one day, he's approached by a swarthy rough a tumble type who speaks with some sort of stereotypical accent (so, Mikey T) and offers to make all his dreams come true (I think it's an unspoken rule that this only veers into fan fiction territory if I mention someone's throbbing member, so we should be safe here, right?). All Michael has to do is pledge to spend his career working for the Miami mob.

Fast forward 15 years and Michael's a big shot Federal Prosecutor. He's winning cases, channeling his above average degree of bluster into Grisham-style closing arguments, and just generally living the dream. And all he has to do is just take a little dive once in awhile when a RICO case crosses his desk. Now, I'm no expert on the Miami organized crime scene (I know. It pains me when I fail you guys too), but I'm guessing if they have Michael in their back pocket, they have a few federal judges on the payroll as well. So if Michael fudged his way through law school, if he slept through the class where they covered hearsay and the amount of legal metaphor it's appropriate to infuse into everyday speech - hey, no biggie. The judges can cover for him!

Is Michael a little bit aggressive? Sure! But what would you expect from someone who had spent so much time surrounded by that sort of thing. I'm just sad we won't get to watch Michael stumble through an introduction to his Great "Uncle" Don "The Blazer" Crockett on his hometown date (and even more sad that we won't be treated to a very special Chris Harrison Presents follow-up episode in which Michael struggles to convince Des to into witness protection with him after he turns state's)

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