Episode 7, The Good....Because I Can't Stand to Pile On Another Tragedy: Drew

Lord knows I've probably made it clear by now that I'm not a huge fan of the personal tragedy that The Bachelore/ette franchise seems to trade in like they're some kind of a German filmmaker or Jonathan Franzen.  Heck, I've even been known to root against contestants for revealing too much too soon, for relying on a questionable secret like the that eating disorder they had back in 7th grade or the girlfriend they cheated on when they were 12. But Drew seems to have endured more than his fair share of personal strife - the alcoholic father, the burden of raising his mentally disabled sister when he was just a kid, the improbably recovery of his father just in time for him to be struck down with cancer - it's just kind of a lot.

And so, because I feel reluctant to kick the man while he's down, even fictitiously, here, based on absolutely no fact and apropos of pretty much nothing, is the deep, dark secret that I'm pretty sure Drew has been hiding. Drew is a contestant on, or perhaps the host of a new meta-reality-style prank show on which the purpose is to invade another reality show and get as far in the contest as you can. Just think about it - would anybody really notice if an extra camera showed up and started filming amongst the gaggle that generally follows Des?

Though his top three finish on The Bachelorette will be impressive indeed, just wait until next year when he infiltrates America's Next Top Model. Tyra's going to love his cheekbones, his natural, perpetual smize, his femininely manly androgyny. Things will look bad for him in week 7 when he refuses to pose nude, but week 8's photo shoot in which he leverages his dad's struggle with addiction to pose as a maggot trapped inside a rotting piece of fruit will mark the turning point in his ascent to the historically meaningless Top Model crown.