Episode 8, The Hometown Dates

Just a few housekeeping notes before we launch into the scores generated by the DeLUd°Ed algorithm (S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)). First of all, due to my crazy scheduling, my husband was forced to watch the episode with me this week - let's just say that he's not a convert...but when Zak is ready to learn to love again, Jason's totally on board to help him set up on online dating profile "like a normal person." Secondly, I'm not really going



to cover the return of Desiree's brother this week because it is hard for me to depict him as the villain that ABC so badly wants him to be when every word out of his mouth makes perfect sense. But I do have to say that it demonstrates an astounding degree of arrogance on Des' part that she still blames her brother entirely for her not ending up with Sean (and it doesn't really bode well for the rest of the guys that she's still so pissed about it), and give that she still seems to be clinging to the idea that Sean made a fraternally-fueled mistake....how can Catherine possibly stand to be her friend?

Anyway, onto hometown dates and the families. In many ways, this year's pack was pretty run-of-the-mill. They were warm and welcoming but didn't veer too far into strange overwhelmingness or into loving fun. They spoke in cliches and reserved any less than glowing reviews of Des for later, off camera. It certainly wasn't the best group on which to test the DeLUd°Ed formula, but what can you do? They're the bunch we got.  So here in order of how much damage their families did to their race for the final rose, are this week's men:

Chris = 49
 Chris started out the date strong with his athletic, good-at-everything-ness (which, by the way, Des' brother was not feeling, again showing his excellent sense.  Being good at things really shouldn't be on anyone's top ten list for things they look for in a guy), and with Des completely stealing Zak's sketchbook schtick from last week and presenting it to Chris. But once he took Des home to meet the family, things started to go off the rails:

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

True, it was made clear that Chris' family was pulling the strings in ending his last relationship, but their cold, judgmental vibe made them seem close in the way a politician is close to his blackmailer, not with any kind warmth.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 2
Des flat out asked if Chris was ready to propose and, while Dad give his ringing endorsement to Chris' readiness for a serious relationship, he deftly but noticeably avoided any mention of getting engaged.

Likeability (L): 1
So, I fully admit that I am biased here because I don't like chiropractors. When it comes to backs, I think they're little more than glorified masseuses without a modicum of valid medical evidence to support their craft. But what I hate even more than chiropractors are chiropractors who think their powers extend beyond temporary skeletal-muscular relief. Claiming adjusting Des' back will give her clarity for the next few weeks is utter quackery, but it least it's harmless. However, the chiropractors out there irresponsibly and deplorably schilling cures for autism and eating disorders make even this harmless claim hard to stomach.  Chiropractors aside, though, is there any doubt that the family started picking apart "the new one" the second she was out of the house?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 0
Referencing the facts that The Bachelorette isn't real life and that Des is dating a lot of other guys is considered very poor form.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 8
I suspect Mama Siegfried could have kicked her interrogation into an even higher gear, but never smiling certainly went a long way.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5
Mama Siegfriend may have shed a few tears while claiming she and the family liked Des, but I don't think she ever really sold it, either to the television audience or to the lady herself.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 2
No kids in the family yet, but if Chris wants like 12 of them, you have to think one of his married siblings is working on it.


Zak: 94

Perhaps Zak's date should have been first given that he got sent home, but his family was every bit as charming and adorable as the man himself. There was just nothing they could have done to reverse the course of the inevitable. It was clear that Zak was going home, if not from the end of last week's episode, then from the lackluster greeting Des gave him at the top of the date and by the way she listened to his dream as if he was a particularly annoying two-year-old. Zak's family, though, did everything they could, and I will hope against hope that James' "top four" rule goes into effect here and we get to see them again on Zak's season of The Bachelor (though I fully acknowledge that it's never going to happen - not with at least two hardsomer, blander, invested-er-in-wearing-clothing candidates to choose from).

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 7
 This would have been at a totally respectable "we love of each other, but don't share toothbrushes" 5 if it hadn't been for the singing.  Oh the singing....

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 7

Likeability (L): 10

Again, if we could ignore the singing, I would totally want to be a part of this family!  They were bubbly, but not overbearing.  And my favorite part of this episode was easily the mildly embarrassed but not at all surprised way in which they took the news of Zak's shirtless entrance.  This is a family who knows each other well and loves each other tons, but isn't blind to each other's flaws. Sign me up!

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 8

They did reference that Zak and Des had only known each other for a very short time, but didn't actually seem horrified by the fact.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 0

This is the one area in which Zak's family, and, in fact, Zak himself could perhaps stand to improve.  At no point during the season has Zak made Des work for anything (I mean, the man got naked on night 1), and his family were perfectly ready to accept her with no questions asked. If the success of Brooks in the past two weeks has shown us anything, it's that Des likes a man to at least play a little hard to get.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

They were eager in three part harmony for Pete's sake! In fact, this is one of the few times in show history when I actually feel a little bit sad about how disappointed the family is going to be when Zak shows up at home, dejected and alone.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

There weren't actually any children present as far as I could tell, but did you guys see Zak's sister?  Someone is definitely going to want to procreate with that!

Drew: 260

I think it's always kind of tough for the contestants to bring the bachelor(ette) on a hometown date after they've spent the whole season airing their family's dirty laundry in service of the personal tragedy off that is this show. Drew's family seemed perfectly loving and nice, but Des didn't seems as comfortable with them as she did with, say, Brooks' family, and I wonder if maybe the Kenney family earned her admiration and respect more than they earned her desire to spend all of her holidays with them. That being said, I think Drew may have been shown to his advantage by being with his family, so I certainly don't think any damage was done here.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

Though I am always impressed by divorced couples who are able to spend time with each other in amiable social settings.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Likeability (L): 7 

I think the one-on-one with Drew's Dad was the thing that knocked it down from being a 10 because, was it just me or were all of the questions about her chemistry with and attraction to Drew were just a little bit weird? If my father-in-law, whose conversations with me rarely extend beyond hocking and hunting, ever asked me about what first attracted me to my husband, I have no clue what I would say, but I can't imagine it would be anywhere near as coherent (nor, hopefully as appallingly corny) as "his eyes - because I could see his depth and his heart"

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 3

So, they didn't really grill her about her readiness for a relationship with Drew, but I do think the question about angels caught her a little bit off guard. In fact, in general, I was surprised by how little they showed of Des' time spent with Melissa.  Is it too much to hope that this had nothing to do with Des' comfort level with her and was, instead, due to ABC discovering a line of exploitation that even they won't cross?

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0  

Brooks: 318

As much as I love listening to Des justify why Brooks hasn't told her he loves her yet ("He's holding back because I'm seeing other guys." Is that the only possible explanation, Des?), it's gotten to the point with Brooks where it really seems like they're trying to cushion the blow of his eventual departure.  I've been studiously avoiding spoilers this year, but at this point does it seem possible that there's any other possible outcome besides Brooks confessing he's just not feeling it in a few weeks?  It just seems like the editors are so worried about Bachelor(ette) nation's reaction to what would have been a rather shocking betrayal, and so are easing it in with some rather heavy-handed foreshadowing - Brooks saying he's forgotten about their relationship over the past couple of weeks, Brooks listening to his sister's advice on the couch with little more than ennui - and frankly, I think we all probably could have handled it if they had allowed for just a little bit more of the element of surprise.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 8

I don't think my family has ever attempted anything so cloying as a group hug, much less a group hug that ensnared a relative stranger as its victim.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Brooks' mom is no dummy.  Her claim that she knows Brooks will be "ready when he meets the right person" both alleviates any doubt in Des' mind (who can't possibly imagine a suitor for whom she would not be the right person) while still preventing any future culpability.  Well played, Mama Forester. Well played.

Likeability (L): 10

Although after seeing his family, I can't help thinking if we need to revisit a rather familiar Emily and Jef conversation. Have they talked about the possibility of Des converting to the church of Mormon?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 5

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5

Really, I think the only thing holding Brooks' mom back from giving her whole-hearted endorsement was the fact that she didn't really feel like it was her place. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for that in life, but it really just isn't the Bachelor(ette) way. 

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

I'm guessing that there are kids already, but they just couldn't reasonably have all of them together on the show.