Week 7 ,The Scores

	Becca – 30 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in two one-on-one settings +10 for confessing she's never been in love  Important Info: So, obviously, I don't know the history between Becca and her family, but her sister completely threw her under the bus! What I had been assuming was a faith-based decision, Becca's sister attributed to Becca "not being an intimate person" and her "not feeling the urge." I imagine I would be pissed if I was Becca... although perhaps not. Perhaps I would just be the emotionless robot woman that Becca's sister implied she was.
	Britt - 80 Eliminated +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for misusing the word literally +25 for pseudo-being kicked off outside of game play +10 (5 x 2) for SO MUCH crying +15 for threatening to leave but not following through Bonus: +15 for her post-rose meltdown Important Info: So, I don't know why I feel compelled to keep defending Britt. I don't think she was "there for the right reasons," or that she really ever saw herself living in Arlington, Iowa and I do think there she did a certain amount of scheming and game playing to figure out how to best leave the game on her own terms. That being said, I also think that she's been put in a lot of terrible situations. Her missing internal monologue after Kaitlyn earned the date rose was certainly self-centered and petty, but it also wasn't totally unreasonable given how vulnerable she allegedly felt. The line that really bought her some sympathy from me was when Chris said, "Carly reacted in the way I would want my wife to react." It just highlighted the messed up power dynamic to a pretty extreme extent. Though I'm sure Chris didn't mean it this way, it was tantamount to saying "When I do something hurtful, I expect my wife to smile politely and take it," and that's just not okay. It obviously wasn't Britt's most shining hour but it also wasn't Chris'. I suppose we can at least all take comfort in the fact that the point at which she cried the hardest was when reflecting on Carly's betrayal...because I'm pretty sure that was the point at which she realized she wasn't going to be the next Bachelorette.
	Carly – 60 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for kissing in a group date setting +30 for tattling on Britt Bonus: +5 for the pettiest puppet show ever +10 for receiving a special message from Jesus - a special message that she apparently misinterpreted as "spend all your time talking about Britt." Important Info: You know how you know that you've lost sight of things? When you say, "Chris seeing Britt's true colors means more to me than any rose." Was Carly's exist interview the saddest speech in all the land? Absolutely (although it makes me want to learn more about her romantic history because now I'm imagine some middle-aged cruiser smashes her heart into a million pieces on every Caribbean circuit). But...it does seem like she kind of brought it on herself...
	Jade – 70 Eliminated +5 for a rose +5 for crying +15 for Chris commenting on Jade's attractiveness (by super charmingly calling her a "hot mustang"...twice... +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +15 for revealing her Playboy pass +20 for intentional nudity Important Info: Oh man was Jade's hometown awkward. Almost as awkward as having your dad find out about your nude photos from a co-worker (it's seriously very hard for me to stop thinking about how this conversation came about. Was it one of his buddies creepily mocking him? Or was it treated with delicate concern? Did HR call him down?). I wasn't overwhelmingly thrilled with Chris this week (though it's hard for me to be thrilled with any man for five straight hours...not counting my husband I suppose), but I actually do believe that the choice he made to get rid of Jade was more about realizing her didn't really know her than about her "troubled past."
	Kaitlyn– 75 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness +10 for giving Chris a billboard Bonus: +10 for implying that Arlington rides people out of town on a rail if they don't "pop out babies." Important Info: Despite her brassiness, Kaitlyn really has managed to stay out of the drama admirably this season - maybe even better than Whitney. Provided we all can find it our hearts to forgive her for subjecting us to Chris' freestyle rap, it's possible there really is a shot that she could be the next Bachelorette.
	Megan – 30 Eliminated +5 for crying +25 pseudo-leaving on her own and pseudo-being kicked off outside of game play. (Clearly a new rule is needed for pre-rose ceremony departures that aren't motivated by a secret boyfriend back home)  Important Info: It saddens me immeasurably that being on the Bachelor made Megan feel "prouder of herself" than she had felt in a long while. But not so much so that I won't be thrilled to see her more ashamed of herself than she's felt in a long time this summer on Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney – 75 +10 (5 x 2) for two roses +5 for crying +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on two one-on-ones +15 for revealing a personal tragedy +15 for confessing her love for Chris +5 for pulling a prank +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness. Important Info: Whitney's concern about her sisters perfectly reasonable refusal to give her blessing was the direct aftermath of Chris' dismissal of Britt. It's all about the power, and these women are feeling like "slipping up" could send them home which is obviously not a great foundation for a relationship. It did, however, give us a chance to appreciate that Whitney is a really pretty crier. It was interesting that they showed him asking for Whitney's sister's permission, but didn't show us that with anyone else's family. It's possible (albeit unlikely) that her's was the only blessing that he asked. More likely, however, ABC senses the facade is cracking and is trying to prevent us from remembering how very messed up this all is.

Week 8. The Scores

It's getting down to the end of days now, but we learned this week that Andi still has some surprises left when she sent home early favorite and "I love you THIS much" talking stuffed animal Marcus. I don't think I'd say it's anyone's game, on the show or in our league, but I do believe doors have been left open and the choices people make about putting out next Monday are going to have a pretty big impact, not just on their fate, but on the fate of our Division Champions. Best of luck in the run up to the playoffs everyone!

	Chris – 50 Important Info: If anyone had the foresight to draft Chris' mom, you win. Game over. seriously, that woman went big on night one between her confession of love to her unlikely-to-be-daughter-in-law-to-be to her offer to babysit a brood of mere ideas (speaking of ideas - how many years do you think we have to wait until a Bachelorette gets knocked up in the fantasy suite? Surely a combination of statistics and Chris Harrison's secret desire to be more like Maury Povich will eventually bear that one out), and it clearly worked because I don't think any of us were expecting Chris to make it another week. The late night games, the use of words like "tough cookie" and "gumption, and the sexy tractor ride made the entire hometown date into the Norman Rockwell painting of life on the fart. Ultimately, I think Andi's probably still smart enough to know that board games and slumber parties with the sister who looked just like Sybill Shepherd are a much smaller part of life on a farm than, you know, actual farming. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for Chris' mom confessing her love +10 for Chris' mom pre-emptively pressuring them to start a family
	Josh – 35 Important Info: At this point, when it comes to Josh it doesn't even seem to matter. Andi's repeated concerns are very much smokescreens for the decision she's already made. Perhaps it makes sense that Andi's not eager about him devoting his life to football as she seems hellbent on ignoring anything that involves red flags. The men of Josh's family, though, seemed to know their roles on this date. Josh let Andi see him in his element looking all sweaty and attractive, while brother Aaron, always the quarterback, managed to work in a reference to prayer.  +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for crying...pretty adorably +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for Aaron calling himself a "big boy," particularly hilarious in light of Josh's habit of calling himself a grown-ass man
	Marcus – 35 Eliminated Important Info: Do we think Marcus is just one of those guys who's more attractive in person? Because every time Andi points out that he's the hottest guy she's ever dated, I think "he's not even the hottest guy you're dating right now." Anyway, on the one hand, I'm not sad to see Marcus go. I mean, the man performed a strip tease just so that he wouldn't have to come up with conversation that filled more space than the obligatory declaration of love. On the other hand, I almost feel a little bit bad for him because he had to have been totally blindsided. Part of Andi's charm is her ability to make the men feel comfortable no matter what they're doing, but perhaps she should have showed her hand just a little bit to someone other than his sister that she was feeling rather squeamish about his oppressive love. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for his mom referencing his connection with Andi
	Nick V. – 30 Important Info: Well, it seemed pretty clear to me that no one in Nick's family actually thinks he's going to win. His hometown visit played more like a risk assessment meeting than an outpouring of familiar love. Perhaps it's because Nick kept saying that various members know him better than anyone else. Andi's not going to wind up with a guy who can't do simply math. +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for his sister straight up lying to him about what Andi said. She's clearly starting her quest for Bachelor villain-hood early.

Week 8, The Hot Moms

Just one of many indignities suffered by the
state of Minnesota this week....

Let's hear it for the well-prepped families, huh? Not only were they a particularly well-turned-out bunch (and I think we need a special shout out for Nick's mom, Mrs. V. That did not look like a woman with 10 kids much less a woman who had 9 kids and was within spitting distance of getting them all out the door when she was blessed with a late-in-life happy accident. If that was me, I would be raising Bella instead of showing, not raising her while walking around looking like a Chico's model), but they also clearly knew exactly how this game was to be played. They revealed only the most charming of their sons' and brothers' flaws, asked Andi only the gentlest of questions about a process worthy of a dose of heavy skepticism, and ultimately, spent more time praising the remarkable woman hellbent on destroying 75% of their progeny than they did their own offspring. Less well prepped however, was Andi because:

• Poor little Bella is not 6 and Andi wasn't there to give her a high level overview of the birds and the bees. The kid's questions were amazing and, short of replacing her "r's" with "w's," Andi could not have been more condescending. No wonder the child didn't bother to take note of any of Andi's answers to report back to Nick.



That's right - the World's most dangerous polka band - from
a bar in Minneapolis. Polka is NOT a Wisconsin dance, Nick.
Minnesotans and Polish people everywhere agree!

• Saying you "grew up in the suburbs and have a lake house" isn't a terribly persuasive argument for being country.
• Sometimes, when you are a guest in a paramour's family home, the conversation isn't entirely about you. Andi truly was a bit of a brat with Josh's family. I'm sure they'll all love seeing the footage of her calling everyone but his kid sister immature, and I don't understand why she was acting like the opportunity to travel around the country and take in free NFL games wasn't totally amazing. Even if she doesn't like football, she's definitely not thinking clearly about the delicious stadium snacks.
• She couldn't even muster up the strength to pretend that she wasn't totally turned off by Marcus' overzealousness. While I can completely respect that (I was so very pleasantly surprised when his was the last visit instead of Chris), I really doubt Marcus' sister did.

Finally, obviously no one was prepared for the death of Eric Hill, and while I found myself somewhat disgusted by their coverage of it, I'm not really sure how else they could have handled it. Andi and Chris Harrison kept commenting on how this was real life which made it feel like a new level of hypocrisy that they kept the cameras running throughout and plugged it in the preview scenes as if it was just another aspect of the drama. And watching a group of virtual strangers mourn his death seems to somehow cheapen the grief enduring by his true family and friends. That being said, obviously this really happened and Andi and the gang have every right to be effected by it, so I'm not sure that ignoring or minimizing it would necessarily have been a better approach. I guess, ultimately, like everyone else, I'm sorry that he died; sorry that his death is now somehow inextricably linked to shallow discussions of vaguely trashy reality TV; and sorry that instead of celebrating his life, we're focused on how a group of people who barely knew him are coping with his death.

Episode 8, The Hometown Dates

Just a few housekeeping notes before we launch into the scores generated by the DeLUd°Ed algorithm (S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)). First of all, due to my crazy scheduling, my husband was forced to watch the episode with me this week - let's just say that he's not a convert...but when Zak is ready to learn to love again, Jason's totally on board to help him set up on online dating profile "like a normal person." Secondly, I'm not really going



to cover the return of Desiree's brother this week because it is hard for me to depict him as the villain that ABC so badly wants him to be when every word out of his mouth makes perfect sense. But I do have to say that it demonstrates an astounding degree of arrogance on Des' part that she still blames her brother entirely for her not ending up with Sean (and it doesn't really bode well for the rest of the guys that she's still so pissed about it), and give that she still seems to be clinging to the idea that Sean made a fraternally-fueled mistake....how can Catherine possibly stand to be her friend?

Anyway, onto hometown dates and the families. In many ways, this year's pack was pretty run-of-the-mill. They were warm and welcoming but didn't veer too far into strange overwhelmingness or into loving fun. They spoke in cliches and reserved any less than glowing reviews of Des for later, off camera. It certainly wasn't the best group on which to test the DeLUd°Ed formula, but what can you do? They're the bunch we got.  So here in order of how much damage their families did to their race for the final rose, are this week's men:

Chris = 49
 Chris started out the date strong with his athletic, good-at-everything-ness (which, by the way, Des' brother was not feeling, again showing his excellent sense.  Being good at things really shouldn't be on anyone's top ten list for things they look for in a guy), and with Des completely stealing Zak's sketchbook schtick from last week and presenting it to Chris. But once he took Des home to meet the family, things started to go off the rails:

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

True, it was made clear that Chris' family was pulling the strings in ending his last relationship, but their cold, judgmental vibe made them seem close in the way a politician is close to his blackmailer, not with any kind warmth.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 2
Des flat out asked if Chris was ready to propose and, while Dad give his ringing endorsement to Chris' readiness for a serious relationship, he deftly but noticeably avoided any mention of getting engaged.

Likeability (L): 1
So, I fully admit that I am biased here because I don't like chiropractors. When it comes to backs, I think they're little more than glorified masseuses without a modicum of valid medical evidence to support their craft. But what I hate even more than chiropractors are chiropractors who think their powers extend beyond temporary skeletal-muscular relief. Claiming adjusting Des' back will give her clarity for the next few weeks is utter quackery, but it least it's harmless. However, the chiropractors out there irresponsibly and deplorably schilling cures for autism and eating disorders make even this harmless claim hard to stomach.  Chiropractors aside, though, is there any doubt that the family started picking apart "the new one" the second she was out of the house?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 0
Referencing the facts that The Bachelorette isn't real life and that Des is dating a lot of other guys is considered very poor form.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 8
I suspect Mama Siegfried could have kicked her interrogation into an even higher gear, but never smiling certainly went a long way.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5
Mama Siegfriend may have shed a few tears while claiming she and the family liked Des, but I don't think she ever really sold it, either to the television audience or to the lady herself.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 2
No kids in the family yet, but if Chris wants like 12 of them, you have to think one of his married siblings is working on it.


Zak: 94

Perhaps Zak's date should have been first given that he got sent home, but his family was every bit as charming and adorable as the man himself. There was just nothing they could have done to reverse the course of the inevitable. It was clear that Zak was going home, if not from the end of last week's episode, then from the lackluster greeting Des gave him at the top of the date and by the way she listened to his dream as if he was a particularly annoying two-year-old. Zak's family, though, did everything they could, and I will hope against hope that James' "top four" rule goes into effect here and we get to see them again on Zak's season of The Bachelor (though I fully acknowledge that it's never going to happen - not with at least two hardsomer, blander, invested-er-in-wearing-clothing candidates to choose from).

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 7
 This would have been at a totally respectable "we love of each other, but don't share toothbrushes" 5 if it hadn't been for the singing.  Oh the singing....

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 7

Likeability (L): 10

Again, if we could ignore the singing, I would totally want to be a part of this family!  They were bubbly, but not overbearing.  And my favorite part of this episode was easily the mildly embarrassed but not at all surprised way in which they took the news of Zak's shirtless entrance.  This is a family who knows each other well and loves each other tons, but isn't blind to each other's flaws. Sign me up!

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 8

They did reference that Zak and Des had only known each other for a very short time, but didn't actually seem horrified by the fact.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 0

This is the one area in which Zak's family, and, in fact, Zak himself could perhaps stand to improve.  At no point during the season has Zak made Des work for anything (I mean, the man got naked on night 1), and his family were perfectly ready to accept her with no questions asked. If the success of Brooks in the past two weeks has shown us anything, it's that Des likes a man to at least play a little hard to get.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

They were eager in three part harmony for Pete's sake! In fact, this is one of the few times in show history when I actually feel a little bit sad about how disappointed the family is going to be when Zak shows up at home, dejected and alone.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

There weren't actually any children present as far as I could tell, but did you guys see Zak's sister?  Someone is definitely going to want to procreate with that!

Drew: 260

I think it's always kind of tough for the contestants to bring the bachelor(ette) on a hometown date after they've spent the whole season airing their family's dirty laundry in service of the personal tragedy off that is this show. Drew's family seemed perfectly loving and nice, but Des didn't seems as comfortable with them as she did with, say, Brooks' family, and I wonder if maybe the Kenney family earned her admiration and respect more than they earned her desire to spend all of her holidays with them. That being said, I think Drew may have been shown to his advantage by being with his family, so I certainly don't think any damage was done here.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

Though I am always impressed by divorced couples who are able to spend time with each other in amiable social settings.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Likeability (L): 7 

I think the one-on-one with Drew's Dad was the thing that knocked it down from being a 10 because, was it just me or were all of the questions about her chemistry with and attraction to Drew were just a little bit weird? If my father-in-law, whose conversations with me rarely extend beyond hocking and hunting, ever asked me about what first attracted me to my husband, I have no clue what I would say, but I can't imagine it would be anywhere near as coherent (nor, hopefully as appallingly corny) as "his eyes - because I could see his depth and his heart"

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 3

So, they didn't really grill her about her readiness for a relationship with Drew, but I do think the question about angels caught her a little bit off guard. In fact, in general, I was surprised by how little they showed of Des' time spent with Melissa.  Is it too much to hope that this had nothing to do with Des' comfort level with her and was, instead, due to ABC discovering a line of exploitation that even they won't cross?

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0  

Brooks: 318

As much as I love listening to Des justify why Brooks hasn't told her he loves her yet ("He's holding back because I'm seeing other guys." Is that the only possible explanation, Des?), it's gotten to the point with Brooks where it really seems like they're trying to cushion the blow of his eventual departure.  I've been studiously avoiding spoilers this year, but at this point does it seem possible that there's any other possible outcome besides Brooks confessing he's just not feeling it in a few weeks?  It just seems like the editors are so worried about Bachelor(ette) nation's reaction to what would have been a rather shocking betrayal, and so are easing it in with some rather heavy-handed foreshadowing - Brooks saying he's forgotten about their relationship over the past couple of weeks, Brooks listening to his sister's advice on the couch with little more than ennui - and frankly, I think we all probably could have handled it if they had allowed for just a little bit more of the element of surprise.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 8

I don't think my family has ever attempted anything so cloying as a group hug, much less a group hug that ensnared a relative stranger as its victim.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Brooks' mom is no dummy.  Her claim that she knows Brooks will be "ready when he meets the right person" both alleviates any doubt in Des' mind (who can't possibly imagine a suitor for whom she would not be the right person) while still preventing any future culpability.  Well played, Mama Forester. Well played.

Likeability (L): 10

Although after seeing his family, I can't help thinking if we need to revisit a rather familiar Emily and Jef conversation. Have they talked about the possibility of Des converting to the church of Mormon?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 5

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5

Really, I think the only thing holding Brooks' mom back from giving her whole-hearted endorsement was the fact that she didn't really feel like it was her place. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for that in life, but it really just isn't the Bachelor(ette) way. 

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

I'm guessing that there are kids already, but they just couldn't reasonably have all of them together on the show.

Episode 8, The Hometown Recipe for Success

So, circumstances have conspired to keep me from watching the Bachelorette this week, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it (cue one of the millions of ethereal covers for the Rolling Stone's Wild Horses). Hometown's have never been my favorite, but I do understand and honor their importance, acknowledgeing that this week has been the turning point for many a bachelor hopeful. With that said (Oh god, it's contagious), I've developed an algorithm to measure hometown date success that can be used both by future bachelor aspirants and by myself when I get around to watching this later in the week, finally freed from the shackles of doing things that people pay me for. I wouldn't recommend applying this analysis to, say, the first time you meet your boyfriend's parents, but in the world of the Bachelor(ette), it's more than just theory. It's fact!

The metrics that make up this algorithm are:

D = the Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry: In real life, we want a man who loves his family, who is close with his mother, who values and respects his dad. But you know, maybe not too close. We don't want a man whose parents pop by to visit in the middle of the night  just to make sure he didn't have that nightmare again; who requires his mother's approval on everything from the outfits he wears to the distribution of his meals across the food pyramid over the course of the day; who calls his mommy during the limo ride home after a bad date and get's "Here we go again," as a response. Not so in Bachelor/ette land where your family traditions, no matter how creepy; your pranks, no matter how clumsy; your wall art depicting professional family photos taken in matching outfits, no matter how numerous (and at what ages) will never set off the earsplitting warning sirens that have caused other girls to flee in terror since you willingly brought your mother to the prom.

e = the Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials: It doesn't really matter if you're ready to sign on to a lifetime (specifically, the lifetime of a cricket, which generally lives for about 6 months) or pretending you're heading toward marital bliss or not, if you want any kind of shot at that final rose, the hometown date is where you sell your love of commitment. Have your family tell a story about the time you married your kitten when you were four (a puppy will make for an acceptable substitute if you're simply not cat people, but don't go for anything smaller than a rabbit. No one wants to marry a man whose starter wife was a rodent), or how you used to carry a disconcertingly lifelike doll around and pretend that you were its dad (they can omit the detail that this was in college if you judge it to be best). Whatever you do, don't let even a hint, even a small suggestion that you might not be ready for marriage cross your family's lips. No amount of damage control after the fact will remove the doubt from your beloved's mind. Because trusting a veritable stranger who you just met over your soon-to-be fiance is one of the cornerstones of a successful marriage.

L = Likeability: When and if it comes down to a coin flip between you and another equally bland, similarly chiseled contestant, you better believe that the likeability of your family is going to come into play. And I don't mean the quirky "you love them, so I love them" type of likeability either. The bachelorette will not love you in spite of your family. She's got three other men for whom those kinds of compromises don't need to be made. Your family must be warm and loving, must embrace the main stream, may value their membership in an ethnic enclave or other cultural group, but not in a way that makes the white, all-American bachelorette uncomfortable or requires the regular use of a foreign language. Your family is welcome to embarrass you in the name of building sisterhood with the bachelorette, but they must never embarrass her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way (helpful hints include not looking the bachelorette directly in the eye, making sure they have bottled water and her favorite fat free snacks on hand at all times, and using the word "amazing" no less than three times, but not in excess of 7. Just make sure each family member reads her rider, and you'll be fine).

U = Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process: This can be a tricky one because even I who spends an embarrassing number of hours watching and thinking about the Bachelor(ette) don't fully understand the process. Your family must demonstrate full comprehension of the fact that this magical journey you've been on, accompanied by 24 other men, is not only the best way, but maybe the only way to find love in the modern era.

d° = Degree to which They Give the Third Degree: This one's a little bit counter-intuitive, but it's actually to your benefit to encourage your family to subject the bachelorette to some scrutiny when they pull her aside for their not-at-all choreographed chats. If you want her to decided that this is the family of which she wants to be a part, well, you've gotta play a little hard to get! Bear in mind that it is essential that your family walks a fine line, establishing that their impromptu interrogation stems only from their uncomfortable closeness with and mildly upsetting degree of love for you and their deep respect, nay, veneration for the institution of marriage and not from any doubt about her, Chris Harrison's ability as a romantic spirit guide, or, heaven forefend, the process.

E = Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family: Ultimately, once the playing hard to get portion of the evening is through, your family must do everything in their power short of hiring a sky writer (Wait, scratch that. Hire a sky writer. They don't charge by the word, and I hear she likes poetry.  What rhymes with "I've always wanted a daughter"?) to enfold her in the bosom of their familial love. Not surprisingly, a high level of scrutiny (d°) has a multiplier effect on the eventual eagerness with which the bachelorette is met.

d = Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette: Again, in real life, it's never a great feeling to have this kind of familial pressure to procreate (I speak from experience here, having married the last remaining male heir who can carry on the family name. Ten years from now when I'm mysteriously beheaded, leaving my 7 daughters motherless, you'll all know who to blame), but in Bachelor(ette) land  this sort of pressure seems inexplicably attractive. If you really can't be an only child for the purposes of the show, then make sure you're curses with no more than an awkward brother who will remain endearingly silent throughout dinner, or a gaggle of spinster sisters who make your lack of bitterness and avoidance of using a "y" to spell the word "women" seem positively entrancing by comparison.

Rate each of these metrics on a 10 point scale, mix it all together using some math and stuff, and you get a foolproof algorithm for S = Success of Hometown Date, or:

S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)