Episode 9, The Men Tell Slightly Less Than All

So, I don't have a ton of things to say about this week's Men Tell All episode. I'm not sure why I always get excited for these give that they're pretty much always the same - a bunch of footage we've already seen interspersed with villains offering half apologies (I'm sorry if you guys thought I was being an asshole....), Chris Harrison employing emotional torture techniques cruel enough to land him on the list of human rights violators, and women who are waaaaay too sincere about their well wishes for the Bachelor(ette). Outside of the new and probably now permanent segment featuring Des receiving sage advice from the 3 dwarves of the Bachelor(ette) (Tanny, Disconcertingly Skinny, and Too-Many-Parts-Plastic-to-Ever-Changey), I think I probably could have written this week's episode, including Dan's desperate, last ditch attempt to distinguish himself from Brad with the whole Ben's Baby Mama deal (and speaking of which, where do we think their son was while she was traipsing around Vegas?  Perhaps...maybe...with Ben?)

So rather than rehashing the same old, same old, here in no particular order are the things that didn't happen in this year's Men Tell All:

They Didn't Convince me that Ben is a Terrible Guy. 

Yes, his parting words in the limo didn't exactly make him the embodiment of the Good Christian Gentleman he claimed to be, but I actually buy that he was pissed after suffering through Des picking the guy who had essentially repeatedly run him down with a hot-tug over the course of the night. (Don't question the mechanics of it - just allow yourselves to give into the mental image of Michael maniacally driving the super slow-moving watercraft). As far as I can tell, Ben remained calm, pleasant, and pretty frustratingly reasonable throughout this whole season. And, while I wouldn't be flabbergasted to learn he went on the show to get publicity for his bar, I have yet to see any evidence. Even Des' whole claim that she knew he was being insincere with her from night one was total b.s. She might not have been that into him, but she needed to be repeatedly hit on the head with James' villainy before she caught up to the group, so I'm just not buying that she was perceptive enough to pick up on Ben's evil vagary. Like me, Des just isn't built for subtle villains.


They Didn't Convince me Des is Going to Wind Up Alone.
I would be floored if she did - or even if she wound up in one of those dating but not yet engaged scenarios they used to allow - because it seems pretty clear that an engagement is going to be even more inadvisable than usual after her frontrunner takes off on her and leaves her with the also-rans. And yet, they've been hitting the Cinderella theme way too hard this season for me to believe that anyone (except for, you know, that one guy) is walking away.

The Didn't Exercise Subtlety when Anointing Juan Pablo Heir to the Bachelor Throne.
I find Chris, Drew, and Brooks equally boring at this point, so I'm not necessarily complaining, but...this is going to happen, right?

They Didn't Convince me that Des was Particularly Genuine or Particularly Real.
They've been hitting these themes pretty hard since Sean's season, and frankly, I've just never seen what it is about Des that makes her more than just a young Katie Holmes clone who thinks far more highly of herself than poor Katie Holmes (although it's hard to say which version's marriage will have ended more predictably...). The only thing that Des really showed off this week was her cattiness when, after declaring herself Stephanie's sister in solidarity during all of the Brian hooplah, she suggested bringing rocks to the Men Tell All for the pair to throw at each other.

They Didn't Convince me to Buy Zak's Album.
Though they did convince me he was a more talented poet than Chris or Des. I'm not saying an angsty 10th grader with an English assignment couldn't have given him a run for his money, but....at least it didn't rhyme.

Des Didn't Return Brandon's Mother's Sobriety Chip
Which, let's face it, in five years is probably the only horrible things I will remember about this horrible season.