Week 3: The Crazy

I can't wait for the Sound of Music themed date after
the Bachelor research department decides it's just too
hard to wikipedia Andorra.

If I learned one thing about Ben this week, it's that, for some inexplicable reason, he believes that he is "responsible for the emotions and feelings in the house." With all the craziness spewing forth from these ladies' feeling boxes this week this week, this seems like a particularly masochistic point of view, especially when there are so many other potential influences to blame: society, damn millenials with their internets and clever devices, kindergarten teachers who made improper use of frowny face refrigerator magnets, and, of course, our perpetual favorite, the show psychologist whose screening mechanism has to be about as comprehensive as airport security procedures at the Andorran airport (and just in case you bristled at me questioning the Andorran commitment to making sure people arrive at their destinations with unclipped fingernails, Andorra doesn't have an airport. But don't worry. When their tourism bureau makes a plea to ABC to come film the show in the height of avalanche season, they will have three helipads to entice them). But since Ben has offered to take the blame, let's take a look at the insanity that seems to have leeched into the mansion's sauvignon blanc supply this week. Starting with the most self-aware:

Lace:That's right. I said most self-aware. And, yes. I said Lace! I have to admit, I'm a little bit proud of Lace this week. Sure, se could have ridden off into the sunset in a platitude-drawn carriage had the limo been unavailable but she made the choice that was best for her in exiting the competition. She recognized her unhappiness, determined the most likely source, and removed herself from said source's sphere. And I think that's difficult for most people, let alone for an emotionally fragile girl who has a producer constantly whispering in her ear: "Are you unhappy? It must be because you haven't talked to Ben. In fact, by my count, he hasn't even made eye contact with you in four hours, seven minutes, and 45 seconds...44 seconds...45...46...

I can neither confirm or deny the actual
floating of Lauren B's boobs. I most
certainly do not watch that closely.,,
or creepily....

Olivia: Olivia, on the other hand is so self-aware that she doesn't have room to be even remotely aware of anything else. She came into the show with a plan, and you have to respect her commitment to that plan in spite of trivialities like "other people's emotions" or "having toes that are so pudgy that it makes it difficult to walk." Week 3 was body image week for Olivia and there wasn't any room for unbelievably tragic death in the script. But there was plenty of room for her to demonstrate her toddler-level grasp on Theory of Mind (if I'm thinking it about Ben, then he must be thinking it too). And lest you think I'm mocking Olivia's behavior, I'm not. I wish the whole stupid after show was devoted to her play-by-play interpretation of people' non-verbal cues. "When Ben scratched his nose there, it meant he was wondering if I was crafted out of his rib cage because I'm both so perfectly attuned to him and I take his breath away." "When Lauren B's boobs floated in the hot tub, it was a clear indication that she's a witch."

I have to be honest..I have a hard time
believing that anyone who has as many
photos of herself mid-duck face can be
all that emotionally complex...

Jubilee: So...I'm  not convinced that Jubilee is crazy, but she is utterly incapable of communicating her self-awareness to the other girls, so let's take a look at her here. I feel for Jubilee. This show is notoriously unkind to the socially awkward, even more so than to the socially drunk to the point of falling down. So even though her nervousness and lack of comfort seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of her grave misdeeds, I have no doubt that the other girls will continue to find her "ungrateful," the most serious of flaws. But while I think you can probably all anticipate my reaction to Jubilee's self-proclaimed complexity and multi-layered depth, I still have to give her credit. Because when you've survived the death of your entire family, been adopted as an older child, and returned home from serving in Afghanistan, failure to gush over a helicopter ride really doesn't seem that complex.

Amber: Aaaand now we turn away from the self-aware. Amber went from last week's pity rose to a date rose this week, and clearly the sharp ascent caused her attitude sickness (see what I did there? You should all be praying they don't make a pit stop at Ben's current home in Denver. Elevation-related puns may seem niche, but I have so many of them!) On the one hand, there is a certain amount of credit due for having the audacity to state her case against Jubilee in front of both Jubilee and ben. But on the other hand...she's 30...and a bartender. And while I don't wish to judge her for either of those things, surely more than anyone else in the competition, the combination of those things should give her the life experience necessary to know that just because you make out with a guy doesn't mean he's going to take your word for everything...or indeed even call you again.

Perhaps I'm wrong to blame any of them...playing soccer in
booty shorts would probably make me pretty cranky as well.

The Teeming Hordes: If the first three ladies are responsible for bringing the crazy, then it's really the rest of the pack who are bringing the drama. Okay yes, Olivia and Jubilee are violating the sacred oath of stealing more time when they already have a rose (which I'm sure you all already know begins "O, Great Chris Harrison. We who have come forth to make friends pledge this undying vow..."), but they're not the ones cackling over chubby and/or silicone enhanced portions of other girls' anatomy. They're not confronting girls at rose ceremonies to try and shove their condescending definitions of gratitude down each other's throats. And they're not the ones pretending to take the moral high ground by letting Olivia in on the other's backstabbing behavior (ahem, Jami) or judging the other girls for confronting Jubilee when sitting around saying nasty things behind her back is clearly the more appealing approach (Caila, Jo Jo, and Emily!). In this week's thunder-thigh storm of bad behavior, only a few select ladies were edited out of the fray. Which is why, if there was ever any doubt, I think it's now safe to say we can expect to see non-crazy, drama free Lauren B. still standing at the end.

Week 5, The Scores

Well, if the good folks at ABC can't be bothered to take us through a whole week this episode, then I certainly can't be bothered to post more than one blog. I still find myself capable of liking Kaitlyn, if, perhaps, just a little bit leery of her decision-making ability, but I also find myself ready to fast-forward to the end. I mostly watch this show for the drama, to see the choices that atypical people make when put in an equally atypical situation and expected to act like it's dinner and a movie with a girl that came highly recommended by their grandmother's bridge friends. But it seems that, even I, with my cynicism and love of emotional pain (But not physical pain. Can't we all just get our hearts broken at the zoo?) need at least a single iota of belief that this could actually work out to invest in it in any way. And this year, that's been taken away. By taping the happy ending of Kaitlyn's date with Nick, it seems the producers have robbed us of that (and note - I blame the producers here. Kaitlyn is making the choice that many of her forebearers have made, from Thomas Jefferson to Juan Pablo. It was the choice to air it that was unique. And really, really dumb). And as a result, I just find it really hard to care. Kaitlyn may "find love" at the end of this. She may get engaged and be treated to a few months in the tabloids. But with what everyone now knows (rather than what was just the subject of rampant speculation in years past), means she's not getting married to any of these guys. Unless she winds up picking Nick. And does anyone really want her to wind up with Nick? Anyway, on to the scores. If nothing else, at least we can all remain motivated by this season's prize...as you all know, Chris Harrison wrote a book!

	Ben H. – 10 Bonus: +10 for inventing Kaitlyn's fictitious death by pigeons. It's probably not going to make her any more capable of walking through parks, but it was hilarious. Important Info: Ben is normal and sincere and almost certainly about to go from feeling like he's "better at being alive when he's around Kaitlyn" to feeling like he's "better at being alive" when he is as far away as possible from this show.
	Ben Z. – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting Bonus: +10 for facing, if not a personal fear than certainly a personal moment of hell. Important Info: No matter how you look at it the wake date was weird and probably sort of disrespectful. But making Ben Z. come on the date, Ben Z. who probably eulogized his own mother at the age of 12, was just plain wrong. The least Kaitlyn could have done was treat him to a Cranberries concert.
	Chris - 10 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for creating an Irish lament that included flossing. The Irish are known for their concern about dental hygiene. Important Info: At the start of this episode, dentist Chris shared that he has never once second guessed Kaitlyn. This means very little considering it also seems he didn't second guess the shiny crimson suit he wore for the rose ceremony this week.
	Ian – 65 Eliminated +35 for following through on the threat he made last week and leaving the show. I bet Kaitlyn is pissed she didn't get to kick him off. Bonus: +20 for his inspired limo plug for being the next Bachelor. Something tells me this isn't going to happen... +10 for saying "I need to have sex." Spoken like the deepest of intellectual greats. Important Info: While Ian can probably take some comfort in the fact that Kaitlyn admitted that she is not as deep as he is, I just want to go on record as saying that he definitely could have learned himself some dumb movie quotes at Princeton. I'm sure they have a pretentious eating club devoted to that.
	Jared – 50 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing in two group date setting +5 for being treated to a private concert of a band I have heard of. Important Info: With Shawn falling apart and Nick...being Nick, it seems like Jared is emerging as the new front runner. Too bad any momentum he has is going to be cut off at the needs by the aftermath of the sex scandal.
	J. J. – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Now that J.J. has relinquished his role as villain, he's been able to devote himself full-time to being the show's Shawn whisperer. This week, he sagely noted that Shawn could use a good cry.
	Joe – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for validating how special Nick must feel before throwing in the clever little jab about Shawn's similar treatment in earlier weeks. Important Info: I cannot wait to see Joe destroy J.J. in the two-on-one next week. I just really hope it doesn't get overshadowed by the far less interesting ongoing saga of Nick.
	Joshua – 20 Eliminated +20 (10 x 2) for crying while having to listen to other men cheering Important Info: I look forward to seeing Joe make a quick connection with and then almost immediately feel stifled by on of the clingier of the ladies on Bachelor in Paradise.
	Justin – 0 Eliminated Important Info: According to Kaitlyn, she's never had so many people question her. But clearly Justin's unshakable faith in her was only enough to earn him a one-week stay of execution. Seems like everyone might as well keep doubting her! Nick – 100 +15 for kissing in a group date setting in front of Shawn +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +20 for date rose +50 for non-sanctioned fantasy suite activities +10 for giving Kaitlyn a gift Important Info: Nick really had a banner week. From swooping in to take advantage of the Ian situation, to casually but repeatedly mentioning the quality time he spent in Kaitlyn's room, the man was at his manipulative best, subtle but always in control. And if his manipulations were subtle, even harder to detect is what is it about Nick that allows him to win over, at the very least, the vaginas of all these girls. But clearly both Andi and Kaitlyn were really feeling his "passion," so it must be something that just doesn't translate well to our TVs.
	Shawn – 60 +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for threatening to leave and not yet following through +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Kaitlyn Bonus: +5 for sharing pictures of his family +10 for offhandedly attributing his trust issues to his parents terrible divorce. Important Info: Sean says he's not a fake person, and I believe him. In part because I'm not sure he's smart enough to pull off something on the scale of Nick's trickery, but also just because he extreme reactions have been those of someone who doesn't understand that this is all a game. However, I worry his realness and sincerity is going to land him a slot as the next Bachelor, and, unless he has a secret personality that he's been hiding away, I just really, really can't. I think I'd prefer Ian. For real.
	Tanner – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for a brilliant poem about Kaitlyn not knowing who he was. Important Info: Also a highly insightful poem....

Week 4, The Unattractiving

Though it appears I am wearing some sort of clever disguise,
in fact, this is just how I photograph.

Look, I'm terribly unphotogenic. I inevitably turn up on film with chins I don't have, arms the size of Ben Z.'s, and sometimes, inexplicably, a mullet. I'm so unphotogenic that (true story) a giant bounce once beheld my driver's license and cowered from me in mock fear. I'm so unphotogenic that amusement parks don't even offer me overpriced snaps from their roller coaster's heights to avoid the risk of scaring other customers away. I'm so unphotogenic that even my husband regularly comments on my unphotographability and I don't even get mad at him. Which is why, when they post the bios of the prospective bachelors at the start of the year, I try no to judge them for appearing a bit...less than handsome (I don't try very hard, but at least, like all the best bullies and teenage girls, we can blame my poor behavior on deep psychological pain stemming, in my case, from fourteen years of class picture day). After all, I imagine they've watched far less America's Next Top Model than their female counterparts. I can't expect them to know their angles or just be endowed with some sort of natural, God-given talent for smizing. Plus, the producers usually spend the remainder of the season making the guys seem attractive (obviously, bu giving the fake offspring on which to dote and laureate-level poetry-writing seminars), so those first impressions (first revulsions?) are fairly quick to fade away. This year, though, and in this episode in particular, the producers seem to be taking the road less traveled (perhaps one of them finally stayed awake for the end of the poetry seminar...?), and are moving the men in the opposite direction, transforming them to make them into somehow less appealing men in a special one night even that will henceforth be referred to as The Unattractiving. Let's take a look at the week's victims:

Joshua: Joshua was both the first and the least subtle of the night's victims. None of the men were exactly helped by the mariachi singing (except, perhaps, for Joe who seemed to take very seriously the sage advice he received from a 12 year old boy. I have to assume said advice included the phrase "touch her boobies"), but Joshua was obviously the one to really suffer from the outcome of the group date. And as if his tattling, his inability to follow Nick's fairly simple and reasonably sound logic, his poorly-timed choice to lie to all of the guys, and subsequent abandonment by his peers had any chance of leaving his personal image in tact, the producers took steps to ruin his physical image as well. And lest there is any doubt in any of your minds that Joshua's "haircut" was the producers' doing, we need only look at the appearance of the scissors and razor that Joshua certainly couldn't have been smuggling in those restrictive Mariachi pants. Not only do I imagine that the Bachelor mansion packing rules are even stricter than TSA's (although unlike TSA, I imagine they're significantly more forgiving of massive containers of white powder. The risk of an occasional anthrax outbreak is a small price to pay for making sure everyone can get their protein shake on after hitting the gym), but I also can't imagine every corner of San Antonio sports a CVS (Only joking. Of course it does! After all, it's the city of Kaitlyn's dreams!). I still find myself feeling somewhat fond of Joshua, but after this week, it might just be better to have him put out of his misery, it seems. At least that way he's got a shot at finding a barber who can work miracles before Bachelor in Paradise begins.

"I am making even my own eyes veeeery sleepy with my
monotone."

Shawn: So...this one wasn't on purpose, I'm sure, but it seems like a whole one-on-one date's worth of exposure to Shawn is just way too much. Their chemistry is clearly off the charts (the Nobel-Luyendyk chart named, of course, for famed chemist, Alfred Nobel, and only slightly less famed former reality show contestant and fake dater of Courtney Robertson, Arie Luyendyk. Someday, I'm sure he too will have a highly coveted award for great achievements in throwing women up against walls or something) but outside of his physical appearance (which - big thanks to J.J. for pointing out - can be ruined by a simple jaw clench) and his rare understanding of the meaning of the word "literally," it's honestly a little hard to tell why. it seems a night spent with him guarantees merely a recitation of platitudes that we've heard many times before from other men, only spoken with far, far less inflection in his voice. And while I am certainly glad he presented us with an important "wear your seatbelt" PSA, my big fear at this point is that he will wind up being the next Bachelor.

"In many ways, being this uninterested in Kaitlyn just
leaves me with more time to think about my own incredible
assets."

Ian: I have no doubt that Ian is actually smart but apparently not smart enough to prevent the producers from majorly outfoxing him I also have no doubt that Ian is actually arrogant and that it took only the tiniest of shoves (perhaps a tour of his lookbook or a suggestion that he perhaps has not had a lot of sex?) to push him over the edge. What bothers me, though, is the clumsy logic statement that they seem to expect us to swallow. Ian is arrogant. Ian is not interested in Kailtyn. Therefore people who don't like Kaitlyn are arrogant. Not only is it flawed, but it's insulting to expect us not to understand that sometimes people who both have redeeming features don't fall in love and produce rose babies. It's obviously an attempt to cheapen his qualms about Kaitlyn, that she's shallow and not that interesting and (heaven forfend!) not deep, but it's also confusing. Because if they want us or the guys for that matter to keep Kaitlyn up on the pedestal which is her bachelorettely due then they should maybe, you know, stop showing us the incredibly poor decisions she seems to be making every week. And they should definitely stop assuming that "Ian is an ass. Assholes say mean things that aren't true. Therefore Ian's statements about Kaitlyn cannot possibly be true." is where their audience's logic statement ends.

Weeks 1 and 2, Some Preliminary Thoughts

I'll be throwing together some consolidated scores for Weeks 1-3 later this week, but it just didn't seem right to let such a brilliant beginning to the season pass without commemorating it. I watched the two episodes back-to-back (and so help me, Harrison, if there is a very special two night event this week, I will end you), so naturally, I no longer have the ability to form coherent sentences. So here, in just a few bullets, are some patterns, I saw emerge in these first league weeks:

Things Kaitlyn Likes:

Men who Take Control: It's not easy to find a pattern in Kaitlyn's attraction. The girl clearly doesn't have a time. From the bulky, meat-heady Ben Z. to the gentle, believer-than-the-children-are-our-future Ben H. (maybe it's...just guys named Ben?), whether it's the smarmy, smug J.J. or the bumbling and slightly vampiric Joe, she seems to like 'em best when they're mauling her face (you know, with their tongues. not, like, with a meat tenderizer or anything).

Men who Just Have that Something...I can't Really Describe It...: Perhaps I'm having a hard time identifying Kaitlyn's type because this is how she describes pretty much every single one of the guys she likes. Don't get me wrong, so far, I'm fidning Kaitlyn quite delightful, but at a certain point, its gotta be less about the potency of these guy's intangibles and more about a desperate need for Kaitlyn to use her words.

Hockey: So...obviously, I coul be making a bit of an assumption here based on her Canadian citizenship, but..is there really any other way to explain her ongoing attraction to J.J.? Also, not even joking, I just did some light googling and she apparently actually used to date an Edmonton Oiler. It seems more and more likely that she's just using this experience to parlay that relationship into someone who plays for a not-entirely-terrible team.

I dare you to come up with a better use for my time than
finding this screen shot...

Naked Male Aggression: I mean...why can't they all just go to the zoo? Look, I don't want to go full-Tony here. I get that the sumo wrestling was largely silly and fun (the excited sumo wrestler sneaking into the house pretty much ade the entire season for me). But that doesn't change the fact that the first two
epsiodes featured sme sort of fighting date. And I gotta think that has a whole lot to do with item #1 (and lest you think I'm criticizing Kaitlyn unfairly, also evolutionary biology).

Naked Males: Testicles and all.

Things Kaitlyn Doesn't Like:

One of these is the face of a man who feels deep, deep shame

Birds: And I gotta say, while I see the need for Chris Harrison to step up his hosting game after Jimmy Kimmel knocked it out of the park, it also seems like he could have achieved the same effect by sending Kaitlyn to any public square. Though perhaps with considerably fewer obvious metaphors about love.

Drama: Which for the record, rhymes with Alabama and Spin-o-rama not with Barack Obama. Nobody likes drama (you know, assuming we're ignoring the show's producers me, Daniel Day Lewis...), and poor Kaitlyn really seems to have gotten more than her fair share of it in the first couple of episodes this season. So let's take a little bit of a deeper look (sub-bullet deep, where dwell the creatures of no eyes and translucent skin...creatures named Clint...) at the horrors Kaitlyn has endured in these past few weeks:

Though hilariously,
somehow in this picture,
producer Howard looks like
he and Kupah have just been
caught necking....

     Kupah: I've mentioned that so far, I like Kaitlyn as the Bachelorette. And yet, even she does not appear to be immune to the heady power that comes along with the role. I think I talked abou tthis already a couple of seasons ago with Andi, but there's something very wrong with declaring a man an inappropriate candidate for lifelong partnership because he dared question you. That being said, while challenging a person doesn't seem like adequate grounds for dismissal, lashing out in half-drunk rage at an innocent producer (who, all he wanted to do was just go to work, look like Howard really wanted to be helpful, he would start setting up dates where the men debated immigration reform while being incessantly flicked in the earlobes by fans of their rival sports teams, you know, just to weed any other potential Kupahs out.
Stern, and make sure that everyone was there for the right reasons) probably is. If Chris Harrison

    Tony: Well, chalk up another neary criminal failure for the Bachelor psychologist. Tony may have the eyes of a child, the soul of a warrior, and the toenail clippings of a gypsy he met on the greyhound, but he also has the psyche of someone too unfunny and sad to make any sort of cheap joke about. Kaitlyn even alluded to his tragic past about which, clearly only she got to learn. Beacuse it seems they are legally obligated to give people an edit that suggests that they are electively strange rather than mentally unwell.

Clint: Oh, Clint, lover of the triceratops, how gravely you disappoint me. I don't care about his bromance with J.J.  or the grossly self-interested edit they're clearly giving him to generate buzz over his sexuality. But the speed at which he flipped the switch on how he felt abbout Kaitlyn was petulant at best. With tantrums like that, it seems a favorite dinosaur isn't the only thing he has in common with someone who carries around a security blanket (a security blanket named J. J.).

This one is already doing her best to emulate Jessie Spano, and
I think we all know how that turned out...ahem, Showgirls.

One-on-One Dates: Which I thank her for. I'm not entirely convinced I wouldn't still watch if blushing men, stammering out scientific names for the female reproductive system was the whole show. Although shame on all of those parents for enabling my enjoyment at their children's expense. At least one of those kids is heading straight to the gutter of humanity and will be the most dramatic contestant ever on Season 43 of the Bachelor.

People Who Claim to be Smarter than Everyone Else and then Prove it by Making up Incomprehensible Verbs: Okay...this one might just be me. But what can I say? Judgemental fantasy league commissioners who enjoy making a sport out of the misery of assholes gotta vill.

Week 6, Burn it to the Ground

I'll leave it up to Chris as to whether he also
chooses to salt the ground after watching it burn

I'm sure I'm not the only one who was pleased with the results of the 2-on-1 date. As crazy as Kelsey appeared to be, Kardashley was equally as unpalatable with her constant entitlement, cattiness, and whining. More controversial, perhaps, is my impending sense that Chris needs to take the same approach to the entire group of women and just send them all home and see if Chris "No Rules" Harrison wouldn't mind whipping up another batch. It's not that I find this year's bunch particularly unpalatable. Sure, it seems that there's been more than the usual allotment of cattiness and in-fighting, but I think that's to be expected in a year when the Bachelor himself feels like a bit more than the increasingly tarnished trophy you're awarded at the end of a pretty messed up game. In fact, there's a number of women still on the show who I find likable and funny and might even want to befriend if our paths ever crossed in the real world (If only there was some sort of red carpet event, something for people who weren't really famous, but still deserved to have fans like me scream their names and fawn over their sparkly, sparkly dresses. If only...). And shockingly, so far, I'm not hating Chris. So it's not like I'm even rooting for him to pick the worst possible remaining contestant so the rest of the eligible dating world is spared 4-6 months of her heinousness. It's just...I think it's gotten to the point where there's not a lot of ways he gets out of this whole thing with a wife.

To validate the need for such an extreme strategy, let's take a look at who Chris has left:

The girls he's not that into: This is the worst part about this show and probably also dating in real both Carly and Megan, but I do think they're both in the same boat. Attraction is relative even in the real world, and in a house with 10 other women, they're each being forced to suffer through having it regularly rubbed in their faces that they're not as desirable to Chris as a number of the other girls. In the real world, I would hope that they would one day wake up and realize that they were entitled to expect something better from the guy who was going to be their husband (minimally, no shushing. My husband could shush me in a movie theater and he would still earn an incredibly dirty look, let alone if he shushed me to make out with someone else), but in Bachelor land, they'll unfortunately probably get sent packing before they ever have that chance.
life. There's a chemical element to it that means that sometimes being funny, smart, kind, and even beautiful isn't enough. I'm not saying that all of those words necessarily apply to

The girls who clearly don't want to live on a farm: We get hints of Britt's shadiness from the gossip of the other girls, but really all we ever needed was her ABC bio. Britt is a waitress. In Hollywood. I don't know if she's angling to be the next Bachelorette or if this is just a means of promoting what has to be an acting career, but it's clear to everyone but Chris that Britt's never going to want to move to Iowa and live on a farm. I'm not necessarily saying she's being fake when she's around him, or that Britt doesn't have some very real feelings for Chris (also some very real hugs, I would imagine), but if not, then she's certainly not dealing with the reality of the situation (which is so weird because she's been given every opportunity to do so whilst whiling away the hours in a lavishly-appointed mansion and using the helicopter as her favored means of conveyance). Kardashley's choice to bring up Britt during her exit tantrum (not to be confused with her hottub tantrum, princess date tantrum, or her off-screen, but epic someone was talking during a favorite hair product commercial tantrum) was ill-conceived and immature, but it was not entirely unjustified.

The girls who aren't going to want to uproot their lives and move to a farm after seeing how Chris treated that one girl who clearly didn't want to live on a farm: Really most of the remainder of the girls fall into this camp. Whitney, Kaitlyn, Jade, and Becca all seem like the kind of girls who I wouldn't mind time-traveling back to the early 90s for to convince my parents to postpone that vasectomy and give conceiving a son one last shot so that I could someday submit an audition video for him to appear on The Bachelorette, council him through the process using the shameful depth of knowledge I've amassed on this show, and then eventually get to meet Zak from Des' seasonBachelorettes), and I'm including Jade's naked photos in my consideration (My husband, who caught the tale end of the preview scenes on the last episode summed it up best with: "Why does it matter if she posed in Playboy? Isn't the assumption when you go on this show that you're basically up for televised sex?"). The problem is, while I imagine each and every one would be happy to accept his proposal, I can't imagine them making it down the aisle with him after watching his weekly love fest with Britt. The icy stares Chris earned himself after this week's extremely poorly thought out concert with Big and Rich was the faintest of preview of things to come when any one of these strong and reasonable ladies watch
back Britt's "nap" date from last week. If the preview scenes are to be believed, Chris's mind is about to be changed, but I think he's going to be hard-pressed to convince his fiance that as of week 6 he hadn't pretty well decided on Britt.
at their inevitable televised wedding (or, you know, something more normal...like introducing them to a friend). From what we know of them now, it seems like any of them would be a perfectly lovely fit for Chris (though 3 out of the 4 of them would make for mind-numbingly boring

The crazy girls...oh wait: I, in no way, want to imply that I'm sad that Chris sent home both Kelsey and Kardashley this week, but, in some ways, these were the girls with whom he had the best chance of making it stick. In different ways, both treated the show like a game and bot might have been more willing to overlook his hormone-fueled Britt-page if it was perceived as being necessary for a "win." Chris just may get a second chance at this as I'm not convinced we've seen the last of Kelsey. Some of you may recall from the season's first preview scenes, Kelsey telling Chris that he gave her a second chance so she would do the same for him (or it might just me that watched them over and over again while drafting up the prospect reports...which might be why it's just me that sometimes just sees images of crying women when I close my eyes at night for the first time...). It's not outside of the realm of possibility that that was b-roll footage that we'll never actually see (they weirdly seem to do that a lot), but if that's not the case, well, we certainly haven't seen it yet!

Week 5, The Public Service Announcements

I'm not really sure that anyone was waiting for me, specifically to call it, bt I'm prettty positive that it's official. The moral fiber of America is unraveling. Did I enjoy this week's episode of The Bachelor? Absolutely, I did. In fact, it was almost as  big of train wreck as an episode of Bachelor in Paradise. But did I also think it signaled the oft foretold coming of the apocalypse? Well...probably. It would be one thing to simply witness the bevy of bad behavior, infighting, and just general terrible decision-making all in a single episode, but I think what really signified that the end of days is night is how incredibly self-aware the contestants seemed to be whilst committing each unspeakable act. I can only imagine that the choices we saw this week are the consequences of a generation weaned on reality TV, and it makes me more than a little bit worried for the fate of womankind.

I think it's probably too late to save these girls - they're doomed to be the forgotten generation, teh children who got left behind. But that doesn't mean we can't look to the future, to the young girls watching Jordan to perfect their twerk; wondering how Kardashley gets her eyelashes to luxurious and thick; plotting the adversity that they must face to be catapulted to stardom. It's not too late to save these innocent viewers, to prevent them from becoming Bachelor girls. To do this, I'm recommending an immediate program of remediation that kept so many of us 80's kids of crack. WE must couple each atrocity, each horror that crosses the screen with a public service announcement explaining why these behaviors aren't a good idea in real life (don't worry - we'll translate that to irl for all the word-hating tweens). So, let's use this week's episode to examine how this might work, exploring both the incidents and the mostly cartoon celebrities we would need to recruit to satisfactorily address these issues through the noble PSA:*

* Disclaimer: I learned in the process of writing this blog that I really don't have a bright future in sales. Some of these are really bad, you guys

This is a woman who would have
more than a few choice words for
Chris if she woke up to him making
out with Britt

He-Man/She-Ra: Unleash your Inner Princess of Power
He-Man and She-Ra actually once did a very special public service announcement about bad touching, so this seems to be a particularly apt choice for Carly and the absolute horror show of a date she was forced to live through this week. What broke my heart about Carly was not that she didn't voice her discomfort sooner during the Tantric chanting (I suppose, for her, it probably felt just like warming up for the midday, poolside, aft-deck, Swingin' Singalong of "Feelin' Hot"), but that her shattered self-confidence seems to have tricked her into believing that Chris might be the guy to make her feel beautiful and special. The worst part is, Carly's actually really likable when she's not in  a total tailspin about Britt. I want to be friends with Carly. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that she's smart and funny and frankly gorgeous and then I want to smack her in the head for thinking that a man can convince her of those things (I'll politely not give her any additional crap for picking a man who is dating 10 other girls. I imagine she already feels bad enough about that). And then we'll laugh and go watch an episode of She-Ra and talk about how she too kicked ass despite her perpetual single-ness (and also probably about how that show doesn't really stand the test of time because, alas, it does not).

Captain Planet: Did you know that the average person uses 430 tons of water a year? 
That's as much as 47 elephants (And even more if you accurately quantify it in terms of the total bullshit it actually is...). Look, I gotta be honest. I don't really care that Britt doesn't shower. And neither does Chris. As it was never explicitly mentioned, I have to imagine she doesn't smell bad, and she never looks any less than impeccably groomed and clean. In fact, I made something of a study of her hair after Carly called her out, and, inlike my hair which would be a solid mass of grease after a single day, Britt's looks pretty amazing. Sure, it's a little bit weird, but she'd clearly be Planeteer Gi's hero. And regardless of how you feel about Britt, all the mocking she took this week, both good natured and behind her back, read a little like sour grapes.

Ghostbusters: We contained a lot of ghosts in this epiosde, but there is one type of ghost that no proton pack is powerful enough to trap...
And those are the ghosts of your past decisions. The girls were haunted this week by Jordan, and Jordan was haunted by the spirit of tequila past. And look, it's fool hardy to debate whether Jordan deserves anything except, perhaps, a free Spring break in Mexico if they will consent further to be ridiculed and filmed. But, I have to say, I was a little bit disappointed that Chris didn't let Jordan stay. He seemed intrigued and maybe even a little impressed by the new, soberer Jordan, and, I think got bullied by the other girls to cut her loose. And between Chris' self-proclaimed commitment issues as well as the flimsy premise of this show being an actual vehicle to love, it seems like it would be best if Chris left himself as few opportunities for regret or doubt as possible.

My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic

This is a thing...a thing we should probably all be devoting our lives to
studying...

Just like the My Little Ponies would never exclude fanatical grown men from the ranks of their fandom, the pastel little beasties wouldn't want you to exclude your friends just for being previously discarded by the man that you and your other friends are currently vying for the attention of (in truth, they'd probably want you to band together and say terrible things about his over-gelled hair, his girlish laugh, and probably about the secret life we all know he has as a bronie, but that's perhaps a friendship lesson for another day). The showdown between Whitney and Kardashley on this very same subject was almost cartoon-like itself in its comical pitting of right vs. wrong. What was so mind-boggling about this fight though, wasn't that Whitney was essentially adorned with a halo and surrounded by chirping bird as she was making a forceful argument for why meanness is wrong, but that Kardashley legitimately did not understand the fundamentals of Whitney's argument. As baffled as I think we all were to hear Kardashley attempt to orchestrate a plan to ice out Jordan the likes of which you would ordinarily only overhear in the ladies room of a high school after curling your feet up so that no one knew you were in the stall crying and journaling, obviously), it seemed like Kardashley was even more puzzled to discover that others didn't immediately agree to her course of action. And as despicable as I find her, that definitely makes me feel a bit...I don't know..maybe, sort of, sorry for Kardashley? I might have to take a break from the ponies and go dig up my old Care Bears to adequately sort some of my feelings out.

Transformers: More than Meets the Eye
Okay, I know it's the show's tagline rather than a particularly persuasive slogan for a public service announcement, but it's just so fitting! I know I've been hard on Mackenzie these past couple of weeks, harping on her immaturity and her uncomfortable fascination with virginity, but this week she was actually sort of impressive, standing up for Whitney when it was of absolutely no discenrnable benefit to herself. Maybe it's an understandable response to being bullied for her staunch belief in aliens for all these years; maybe she just didn't want to let a Neville Longbottom moment pass her by; maybe I just need to give her credit for a little bit more togetherness than I thought. But whatever thre reason, when she responded to Kardashley's persistent whining with: "I've never seen anything bad in Whitney. You just don't like her," I was shocked and not a little impressed.

Not only is the hat inoffensive, but it's useful in every country!

Inspector Gadget: Go-Go-Gadget Ignorance!
I loved Inspector Gadget as a child. In fact, I used to pretend to be Inspector Gadget. Not Penny, not that smug Brain. Inspector Gadget. Which means I have a long track record of fully supporting ridiculous doofuses. And for awhile this week, I found myself rooting for Megan to find her beach and get a stamp in her passport. After all, she never claimed to be a geography expert! There was a point, though, where ignorance veered dangerously into racist territory (perhaps with the faux native American chanting), where I found my good will unraveling...in part toward Megan (though I assume her own eventual mortification may be punishment enough) but largely towards ABC. Because why on earth would those assholes give her a sombrero.

G.I. Joe - Let not your tragedies define you, but be sure you milk them to get a rose.
Look, we all know G.I. Joe would dominate the show. Not only is he a soldier, but he is locked in a perpetual war against, I guess, agents o some sort of acronymed military state (and you just know the producers would get a kick out of sending him on a date where he had to face live cobras). He's killed other men with his bare hands; he's held his closest friends in his arms and watched the light fade in their eyes; he is completely lacking any discernible male genitalia. He would clean up - hometown date for sure, maybe even the fantasy suites if there was any kind of connection beyond the standard pity lust. But see, I can say that...because I'm not on TV trying to win a game that prides itself on being nothing of the sort (also, no one cares what I think). The shocking part of this week was that the contestants basically said that. As I mentioned above, it was like the whole show became self-aware (note, I said the show. The girls certainly seem to remain very much in the dark about their flaws), and flexed its metacognitive muscles when it came to its treatment of tragedy. Kelsey's revelation of her husband's untimely death was treated like the key rook in a chess match (or whatever piece is considered important. All this reality-television-watching has left a hole in my brain the exact shape and size of chess rules), maybe by Kelsey, but definitely by a bevy of other girls who felt no qualms about bemoaning their own lack of dearly departed paramour to parlay into a rose. This season's show has been full of trashy magic, but part of me wonders  if its acknowledgement of the tragic machinations and sexual widgets that make it go will prove to be the beginning of the end. Because if this self-awareness is entertaining and new, I think we all still have to wonder, where does the show go from here? Part of the reason that smart women like watching the show is to identify the patterns, the intricate webs of manipulation lurking just beneath the "connections" and the earnest confessions of love. I'm just not totally sure we want it all spelled out for us by the contestants.


Pee Wee Herman: "It isn't worth it."
Those are the exact words from Pee Wee Herman's upsetting and confusing crack cocaine PSA he had to make as penance for the best-left undiscussed theater incident in the 90s. But I'm pretty sure they also apply to Kelsey. And who better to deliver the message than the master of the inexplicable himself? I legitimately can't figure out what's going on with Kelsey. It seems, in part, that she's gotten a little too chummy with one of the producers who's convincing her to say some pretty messed up things, but there's a whole other unaccounted for part that I'm just in no way prepared to explain. The panic attack, the rehearsed and creepy toast, the extremely unsettling treatment of her "beautiful" story, even the way she transformed her husband's death into an immedaite and lingering kiss...it was all just incredibly strange. Now, it's fully possible that the editing is to blame and that we're missing important bits of context that might normalize everything, but in the event that that's somehow not the case, I've prepared some explanations:

    1) Kelsey is a manipulative sociopath who's using poor Sanford's death for her own ill-gotten gain. Though I think this is the one we're supposed to believe, I find it pretty uncomfortable and unsatisfying (and not just because I have a hard time believing in the authenticity of a guy named Sanford), so let's move quickly to....
    2) Kelsey is a black widow who ensorcelled, married, then murdered her husband as a fool proof method of turning her countless rejected Bachelor audition tapes into a giant pile of yes (Is it weird that I'm less uncomfortable with this explanation than I am with #1?)
    3) Chris is Sanford, and he and Kelsey (who, in this scenario somehow gets off on seeing him with other girls) are waiting for the actual most dramatic After the Final Rose in Bachelor history to make their big reveal

I don't know which option is right (though clearly, it's one of them!), but I do know Pee Wee's Playhouse was essential in teaching me how to Connect the Dots (la la la la). The secret word of the day is "baffling," kids!

Week 4, Super Bowl Spirit Animals

I started my week in Iowa, which was a pretty powerful way for me to feel more attuned to Chris (also, the super steamy Soules-Kimmel fan fiction I've been working on whilst stuck in O'Hare. It's already 474 pages long) but not so helpful to watching the show and/or accomplishing any sort of blogging. But now that I'm getting back into the swing of things, I got inspired by the next major televised event. No, not the special two-night Bachelor event which I'm sure is lurking just around the corner to precipitate my death from fantasy league exhaustion: the Super Bowl. Grantland, which is the site of some of my favorite Bachelor recaps as well as the inspiration for this league, always refers to Courtney Robertson as the Bill Bellichick of Bachelor contestants because of the incredible savvy but also inarguably devious way in which she played the game. I love that comparison because it's just so apt. Just like Courtney, I loathe Bill Bellichick but almost to the point where I enjoy hating him, where I would miss him if he were gone. So this week, I took a little time matching this year's contestants to their Super Bowl spirit animals, to the Seahawks and Patriots these teary-eyed, skinny-dipping, cleavage-flaunting ladies resemble best. So, in no particular order...

Whitney - Russel Wilson: Russel Wilson is known for being classy, charismatic, and overall, above the dramatic fray that sometimes plagues his mouthy defensive corps. The only way he and Whitney could be any more alike would be if Wilson was known for calling plays in a surprisingly high-pitched voice.

I can't remember the exact quote from this famous
 sideline interview, but I think it was something along
the lines of: "This is a date for bimbos."

Kelsey - Richard Sherman: Notorious for running his mouth to reporters and generally reviled by opponents, there's nonetheless something that remains likable about both Kelsey and Sherman. Both seem to be more intelligent than their choices would suggest, and, in both cases, I think it will ultimately be their talent for the game that makes them worth hating.

Juelia - Derrick Coleman: As one of only three deaf people to ever make it to the NFL, Derrick Coleman is widely considered an inspiration. However, like Juelia, what most people really know about him are the unlikely odds and personal challenges that he has overcome. Given that he ostensibly contributed to last year's Super Bowl victory. he's also likely a very good player. And I have to think right now Juelia's wishing we knew a bit more about the person she is who's likely shaped but not defined by her tragedy.

Toss in a few sequins, lose the pants,
and it has Katie Perry costume written
all over it.

Kardashley - Katie Perry: Though I hate to do anything that would make Kardashley pleased, Katie Perry is really the only possible option. Who else would present her with the opportunity to parade around in a sparkly princess gown constructed from Bellichick's discarded hoodies? How else could she complain ad nauseum about how she does not play football.

Britt - Percy Harvin: An amazingly talented player with more potential than he ever lived up. Sadly this means the outlook is not so good for Britt. After being one of the heroes of last year's game (and you all know that old football saying "last year's Super Bowl is only as good as a first impression rose. Terry Bradshaw says it all the time), Percy Harvin's diva-like behavior got him cut from the team (technically traded, but we'll probably have to wait for this year's Bachelor in Paradise for that to be an option for Britt.

Samantha: Jimmy Garrapolo: Jimmy Garrapolo is New England's backup quarterback and, much like Samantha, I know absolutely nothing about him. Because he is a backup quarterback...for Tom Brady.

Maggie, this one is for you.

Kaitlyn - Rob Gronkowski: This one is something of a no-brainer. Kaitlyn and Gronk both are known for being goofily charming, fun-loving, and somewhat crass. I have no doubt that if Kaitlyn broke her forearm (or whatever the Bachelor equivalent would be. Broken vagina? Broken misplaced sense of pride?), this Bachelor squad would be in a much sadder place.

Seems like this "Gal" was
probably on Brad Womack's
season or something...

Nikki - Sea Gal: Given she's from New York, and it would likely be a cruelty worse than death to force her to root for the Patriots, I'm nominating Nikki to be part of the terribly named Sea Gals cheerleading squad (It would perhaps be marginally better if the team was named the Seattle Seagulls, but their not. Unless the team is implying that the cheerleaders are the equivalent of the annoying birds that generally found squawking and stealing our picnic fare at the beach?). And fun fact about the cheerleaders who will be adorning the sidelines of this year's Super Bowl: One of the Patriot's cheerleaders is in the process of getting her PhD in Neuroscience. That officially means that if you take professional cheerleading and appearing on The Bachelor, the one that glorifies gratuitous nudity and the shaking of glittery pom-poms isn't the lowest common denominator.

Jade - LaGarette Blount: LaGarette Blount started this season as a running back for the Steelers where he was generally pretty terrible and barely got a chance to play. It took coming back to the Patriots for his season to take off. In her previous life, Jade was apparently a Playmate (that's why their are never any pictures of her on the blog. I'm too scared to run the gauntlet of naked photos of her that the internet surely consists of), and it wasn't until joining the legion of mess cadets on The Bachelor that she emerged as classy and demure.

Becca - Julian Edelman: Because being Jewish in the NFL is roughly as likely as being a virgin on the Bachelor. And, because I'm a big Edelman fan, I suspect if he found himself forced to discuss his faith with his teammates on the field, he'd treat it with Becca's class and subtlety rather than as an attention grab a la Kardashley.

Megan - Stephen Gostokowski: So, Stephen Gostokowski is the Patriot's kicked and it's probably pretty inarguable that he's essential to the team. That being said, part of me feels, like Megan, he almost seems to be playing an entirely different sport than anyone else.

Pat Patriot wants to know if you
believe in aliens.

Mackenzie - Pat Patriot: Because seemingly, Mackenzie's brain is also made primarily of polyfoam.

Ashley S. - Marshawn Lynch: Off the field, Marshawn Lynch is perhaps best known for giving incredibly terse, almost comically rude press conferences. Though interacting with the press is part of any football player's job, his ineptitude at doing just that has led some to speculate that Lynch suffers from acute social anxiety. It has also led others to speculate that he's just a bit of a dick. We'll probably never really know the truth behind the odd behavior of either Ashley S. or Lynch. But regardless of the reason, the phobia, the chemical interaction, in both cases it just really feels like something we shouldn't be covering on TV.

Carly - The 12th Man: CenturyLink Field, the Seahawks' stadium is supposed to be an incredibly loud place to play. So loud, in fact, that they have dubbed their crowd "the 12th man" for their ability to impact the play. I've never been to CenturyLink Field, but I have no doubt that the crowd is both noisome and enthusiastic (and that there is always at least one guy with an ironic, waxed handlebar moustache). And yet, I remain not only skeptical of but almost slightly annoyed by their claim that they can consistently impact the play. And that's how I feel about Carly...if we replace "they play" with Chris's heart.

Jillian - Tom Brady: Because no matter what anyone says, this week, Jillian bears the primary responsibility for deflating Chris's balls.