Week 4, The Unattractiving

Though it appears I am wearing some sort of clever disguise,
in fact, this is just how I photograph.

Look, I'm terribly unphotogenic. I inevitably turn up on film with chins I don't have, arms the size of Ben Z.'s, and sometimes, inexplicably, a mullet. I'm so unphotogenic that (true story) a giant bounce once beheld my driver's license and cowered from me in mock fear. I'm so unphotogenic that amusement parks don't even offer me overpriced snaps from their roller coaster's heights to avoid the risk of scaring other customers away. I'm so unphotogenic that even my husband regularly comments on my unphotographability and I don't even get mad at him. Which is why, when they post the bios of the prospective bachelors at the start of the year, I try no to judge them for appearing a bit...less than handsome (I don't try very hard, but at least, like all the best bullies and teenage girls, we can blame my poor behavior on deep psychological pain stemming, in my case, from fourteen years of class picture day). After all, I imagine they've watched far less America's Next Top Model than their female counterparts. I can't expect them to know their angles or just be endowed with some sort of natural, God-given talent for smizing. Plus, the producers usually spend the remainder of the season making the guys seem attractive (obviously, bu giving the fake offspring on which to dote and laureate-level poetry-writing seminars), so those first impressions (first revulsions?) are fairly quick to fade away. This year, though, and in this episode in particular, the producers seem to be taking the road less traveled (perhaps one of them finally stayed awake for the end of the poetry seminar...?), and are moving the men in the opposite direction, transforming them to make them into somehow less appealing men in a special one night even that will henceforth be referred to as The Unattractiving. Let's take a look at the week's victims:

Joshua: Joshua was both the first and the least subtle of the night's victims. None of the men were exactly helped by the mariachi singing (except, perhaps, for Joe who seemed to take very seriously the sage advice he received from a 12 year old boy. I have to assume said advice included the phrase "touch her boobies"), but Joshua was obviously the one to really suffer from the outcome of the group date. And as if his tattling, his inability to follow Nick's fairly simple and reasonably sound logic, his poorly-timed choice to lie to all of the guys, and subsequent abandonment by his peers had any chance of leaving his personal image in tact, the producers took steps to ruin his physical image as well. And lest there is any doubt in any of your minds that Joshua's "haircut" was the producers' doing, we need only look at the appearance of the scissors and razor that Joshua certainly couldn't have been smuggling in those restrictive Mariachi pants. Not only do I imagine that the Bachelor mansion packing rules are even stricter than TSA's (although unlike TSA, I imagine they're significantly more forgiving of massive containers of white powder. The risk of an occasional anthrax outbreak is a small price to pay for making sure everyone can get their protein shake on after hitting the gym), but I also can't imagine every corner of San Antonio sports a CVS (Only joking. Of course it does! After all, it's the city of Kaitlyn's dreams!). I still find myself feeling somewhat fond of Joshua, but after this week, it might just be better to have him put out of his misery, it seems. At least that way he's got a shot at finding a barber who can work miracles before Bachelor in Paradise begins.

"I am making even my own eyes veeeery sleepy with my
monotone."

Shawn: So...this one wasn't on purpose, I'm sure, but it seems like a whole one-on-one date's worth of exposure to Shawn is just way too much. Their chemistry is clearly off the charts (the Nobel-Luyendyk chart named, of course, for famed chemist, Alfred Nobel, and only slightly less famed former reality show contestant and fake dater of Courtney Robertson, Arie Luyendyk. Someday, I'm sure he too will have a highly coveted award for great achievements in throwing women up against walls or something) but outside of his physical appearance (which - big thanks to J.J. for pointing out - can be ruined by a simple jaw clench) and his rare understanding of the meaning of the word "literally," it's honestly a little hard to tell why. it seems a night spent with him guarantees merely a recitation of platitudes that we've heard many times before from other men, only spoken with far, far less inflection in his voice. And while I am certainly glad he presented us with an important "wear your seatbelt" PSA, my big fear at this point is that he will wind up being the next Bachelor.

"In many ways, being this uninterested in Kaitlyn just
leaves me with more time to think about my own incredible
assets."

Ian: I have no doubt that Ian is actually smart but apparently not smart enough to prevent the producers from majorly outfoxing him I also have no doubt that Ian is actually arrogant and that it took only the tiniest of shoves (perhaps a tour of his lookbook or a suggestion that he perhaps has not had a lot of sex?) to push him over the edge. What bothers me, though, is the clumsy logic statement that they seem to expect us to swallow. Ian is arrogant. Ian is not interested in Kailtyn. Therefore people who don't like Kaitlyn are arrogant. Not only is it flawed, but it's insulting to expect us not to understand that sometimes people who both have redeeming features don't fall in love and produce rose babies. It's obviously an attempt to cheapen his qualms about Kaitlyn, that she's shallow and not that interesting and (heaven forfend!) not deep, but it's also confusing. Because if they want us or the guys for that matter to keep Kaitlyn up on the pedestal which is her bachelorettely due then they should maybe, you know, stop showing us the incredibly poor decisions she seems to be making every week. And they should definitely stop assuming that "Ian is an ass. Assholes say mean things that aren't true. Therefore Ian's statements about Kaitlyn cannot possibly be true." is where their audience's logic statement ends.