Week 4, The Scores

	Ben H. – 60 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness Bonus: +5 for having an absolutely classic white boy dancing face. Important Info: If they really wanted to make a run at the title, wouldn't it perhaps have been better to learn more than one dance? Despite their underpreparedness, Ben H. did mention that he and Kaitlyn connected on a level that was hard to describe. My best guess is that it's the level for people who both struggle with describing things...
	Ben Z. – 5 +5 for a rose Bonus: I award Ben Z. no points for completely throwing Joshua under the bus. Which just goes to show that tattling always pays! Important Info: I'm not sure if Ben Z. and Kaitlyn's relationship didn't do much to progress this week or  if Ben Z. just isn't all that into her. At least, unlike Ian, Ben Z. has the savvy not to rate Kaitlyn's appearance in comparison to his ex-girlfriends'. I do wonder how many hours of footage they edited out this week that was just Ben Z. talking about how he used to play football.
	Chris - 0 This is strange...I feel like I just have to write something in this space here. Did you guys know they made a lifetime movie with Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig? Important Info: The producers correctly judged that after so much of him last week, we could all do with a little bit of a break from smiley smug-faced Chris. Or maybe the man's just not as charismatic when he's been stripped of his harem pants.
	Corey – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Look, obviously, they need Corey's volleyball skills on the Mexico beach. But do we know if there's any sort of mental instability that he's prepared to bring? No! The cliffhanger format that they've been over-utilizing this year may keep us coming back from week to week, but it also robs us of tearful limo breakdowns from men that we've never seen speak. Unless they all got themselves into some sort of a blood oath with Kupah and the whole format is a workaround for repeated petulant performances...
	Ian – 90 +5 for a rose +15 for threatening to leave the show. Whether he will also receive points for following through remains to be seen Bonus: +15 for noting that he has "a voice, a brain, and a heart" and scoring the first of this seasons "If you have to say it about yourself, then it's probably not true" points. +15 for sharing the he has a lot of sex +15 for asking if Kaitlyn is there for the right reasons +25 arrogance point. Like intoxication, this is clearly on a sliding scale, and Ian's night was clearly the equivalent to drunkenly twerking up against a wall before falling out of a pool in his man panties. Strong work this week, Princeton! Important Info: I've already devoted some time to the producer's tear down of Ian this week and their efforts to make him look like he was pouting because he didn't get the girl, but lest their remains any doubt in your mind that he was merely a willing accomplice in his own character assassination...they also made him sit down for a weirdly forced heart-to-heart with everyone's favorite villain, Nick. You don't bare your soul to Nick unless the color of the soul is EVIL.
	Jared – 25 +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for saying that he is "falling in love" with Kaitlyn. Important Info: So...one of the side effects of pulling together prospect reports for the league is that I have watched the "This Season on the Bachelorette" montage at least a dozen times. And as a result, I can say with some certainty that some of the implied sexy times footage was footage of her and Jared breaking in her hotel room this week. That doesn't necessarily mean we're not in for some serious slut-shaming next week, but it does seem like Jared is less likely to be the culprit and it leads me to believe that the event in question may be less dramatic than they're trying to make it seem. Grantland has done even more work that I have analyzing this (possibly because it is, in fact, a job that they are paid for), and they even went so far as to helpfully suggest that her confession of pre-fantasy suite sexual relations might have actually just been to Chris Harrison. Also, before the grossness gets started, I just want to say....remember less year with Chris took a "nap" with Britt? Remember how absolutely nothing was made of that aside from a few eye rolls from the other girls? Thank goodness that disgusting double standards exist!
	J. J. – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for playing the guitar and plugging his "talent" Important Info: I'm not sure that we've ever seen someone unvillain themselves in the way in which J.J. has, but I suppose we have to allow for the fact that he's still in mourning over cliff. I just want it to be known, on the record, that I am incredibly disappointed in J.J. for not seizing the opportunity of "running the bases" with Kaitlyn to make a highly inappropriate metaphor about love.
	Joe – 25 +5 for a rose +15 for kissing in a group setting deliberately in front of other people Bonus: +5 for what was easily the best pun of the night with "will you mariachi me?" Important Info: There really wasn't enough Joe in this episode for my taste. That is all.
	Joshua – 70 +5 for a rose +30 for tattling on Nick +10 for asking whether Nick is there for the right reasons +10 for crying Bonus: +15 for accidentally tattling on EVERYONE else Important Info: Do you know what you don't do to a guy that you like? Make him look about 47 times uglier that he usually does. Even in a world where Joshua's mohawk worked out, Kaitlyn wouldn't have been improving upon the looks of a pretty classically handsome man. It's clear that he wasn't long for this world regardless, and I suppose he gets some kudos. Because at least if he's going down, he's doing his damnedest to help out those of you who drafted him with some points!
	Justin – 15 Bonus: +5 from earning a "Damn!" from Kaitlyn +10 for adding insult to injury by shaking hands with Nick over Joshua's back Important Info: Kaitlyn was obviously impressed and mildly aroused by Justin's surprisingly low and weirdly skillful mariachi voice, but...was anyone else just totally distracted by how unnecessary and mildly racist his fake accent was? Nick – 55 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn Bonus: +10 for rhyming "connection" with "erection" and for clearly knowing his audience. Important Info: So, say what you will about Nick, but he does absolutely understand how this game should be played. It's still hard for me to find what's likable about him per se, but the moves he makes, at times, approach brilliance. Outside of maybe Ben H. and Shawn, he was one of the few guys with forward momentum this week (Ben Z. should be disappointed in himself. There's no way he shouldn't be able to put a block on the far scrawnier Nick. He used to play football this week), but ultimately, I have to say that I can't possibly believe he's going to win. This show has far too long of a history of mistreatment to people who admit to being smart.
	Ryan – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Perhaps the bromance that they failed to capture on film was the one between Joshua and Ryan...It really did seem like all the other guys came around pretty quickly the moment they realized Nick pretty much just took the spot of guys that were dead weight. Joshua just noticed that he took the place of Ryan.
	Shawn – 110 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for making Kaitlyn cry +10 for revealing a personality tragedy +15 for saying he was falling in love Bonus: +15 for Kaitlyn highly specifically commenting on the attractiveness of his smell +5 for believing something at over 100% - I am also immediately adding this to the rules list Important Info: Aaaaand, if ever there was any doubt that things probably weren't going to work out with frontrunner and first impression rose winner Shawn, this week when he confessed his love (or at least his impending love) for Kaitlyn, she said it back. That is pretty much a guarantee that he won't be the guy standing at the end as proven by Des and Brooks. Unless a confession of love is somehow seen as less serious than non-Chris Harrison-sanctioned sex.
	Tanner – 25 +5 for a rose +10 for asking whether Nick is there for the right reasons Bonus: +10 for admitting to having read the tabloids... Important Info: And also for having my favorite line of the night "We all read the tabloids." Really, Tanner? All of you? Because I was under the understanding that some of you pretty much exclusively patronized Men's Health for your literary needs...and in some cases, just to look at the pictures.