Weeks 1-3, The Scores

I don't think I have it in me to devote any more time agonizing about Nick, and let's face it, that was pretty much all this week's episode was about (well, that and a chance for Ashley S. to prove she's not entirely crazy and for Kardashley to prove that she's still got a sternum and breasts). So rather than sharing my thoughts on the episode in another post, I figured I'd dive right in to the very delinquent scores with a bit of bonus material on how I feel about each of this season's guys. Oh and also one other thing for Kaitlyn that I just need to get off my chest: If you really think Aladdin is the perfect love story, why on earth would you agree to go on The Bachelorette?

	Ben H. – 55 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting Bonus: +10 for plugging his work with kids (it's obviously not a modeling career, but it a repeated theme) +10 for pointing out that Chris must be a cuddler. He is as astute as he is charitable! Important Info: Ben H. seems perhaps like the "realest" of the guys. He might ever so slightly overestimate his devotion to kids (as well as he did teaching sex ed, those kids were just as inappropriately aged for the phrase "when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much" as they were for the content itself), but he's funny without being a ham, earnest without being annoying, and bumbling in most charming of ways. I would totally be the guy who broke the window if I went on this show, and that combined with the fact that he looks like he should be playing the nonthreatening male lead on a late 90s teenage melodrama won him my backing, at least for the time being.
	Ben Z. – 115 +40 (20 x 2) for two date roses +30 (15 x 2) for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing on a one-on-one with a hot tub bonus +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +10 for facing a fear +10 for making metaphors about love based on his date Bonus: +20 for referencing his football career. This is higher than your standard reference because it is a career that happened in the past. And ended in failing to make an NFL team. And he does it really a lot. Important Info: So, I don't quite know what to think of Ben Z. On the one hand, I just wish that someone (anyone!) would tell me if he possibly used to play football....But on the other hand, he is very sweet and sincere about his love for his mom. But on the other  hand (by the way, does anyone have a spare hand they can lend me), I almost feel like you can see the producers pulling his strings a little bit too much. There's just no other reasonable explanation for the amount of time he spends processing his mom's death in conjunction with the amount of time he spends suggesting that he's emotionally repressed about the whole experience. For the time being, though, I shall give him the benefit of the doubt on the basis of one simple soundbite: "We don't know what Chris Harrison is capable of," Ben Z. said as he began his one-on-one with Kaitlyn. No one does, Ben, I say in rely. And we are all very, very afraid.
	Chris - 45 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for unintentional nudity Bonus: +10 for intentional semi-nudity when he decided to awkwardly strip on stage during his stand-up act. I bet law students/stripper Josh was pissed that that display seemed to be deemed worth of Kaitlyn's heart. Important Info: So, maybe it's just me but...in the span of just three short weeks, it seems Chris has gone from dorkily adorable to wussily cute to so grating I can no longer find him in any way appealing. My list of complains are many. First there's his over-eagerness for princesses and magic carpet rides and things that just generally shouldn't make grown men tick (not even in the shower). Then there's the fact that he made Kaitlyn stand silently and "appreciate the moment." (Maybe she wanted to appreciate the moment while reciting dirty limericks. Maybe she wanted to appreciate it while eating a sandwich. I personally would have appreciated it the most while punching you in your stupid condescending face, which just goes to show, you probably shouldn't dictate how people enjoy things!). But I think by far the worst of his offenses was that he called the New Year's Eve ball in Times Square a "sacred place," and now I'm forced to suspect that he's a satanist as Times Square has gotta be the closest things there is to hell on earth. At least we can look forward to week 5 when he puts on some death metal and reveals his sigil of Lucifer tattoo.
	Clint – 165 Eliminated +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +5 for unintentional nudity +10 for threatening physical violence +100 for being kicked off the show outside of game play Important Info: It'shot su pretty telling that Clint's relationship with J.J. followed the exact same trajectory as his relationship with Kaitlyn. It was all sunshine and roses until a perceived moment of betrayal and then it was like someone flipped a switch and J.J. was dead to him. I'm not saying that J.J. didn't deserve the reaction. His demanding an apology from Clint was less of an act of self-preservation that it was wholly unnecessary. But it does seem it wasn't just Justin who got a taste of Clint and it certainly wasn't his Jameson we were tasting.
	Corey – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: There's really not much to say about Corey except...was it maybe a little too soon for him to lay in J.J. about Clint's departure during the rap battle?
	Cory - 15 Eliminated +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness Important Info: There's even less to say about Cory. Literally the only thing I've written down about the guy is "has daughter." If you're going to go to the trouble of recruiting multiple Coreys, shouldn't you make sure at least one of them can talk?
	Daniel – 10 Eliminated Bonus: +10 for saying he fights like he was wearing a tutu with teacups in his boxing gloves. Important Info: I have to say, I was actually sad to see the back of Daniel. Going in, I was a little concerned about him given that his photo makes him look like a particular smarmy magician and his job as a "fashion designed" made me fear we might have another pantsaprenuer on our hands. But Daniel proved to be normal and funny and sort of charming, and it's not super clear to me why Kaitlyn dismissed him while keeping some of the other dead weight around. I do have to admit, though, when she was reduced to incoherence and beaming and then immediately ditched him upon receiving Jared's note, it was pretty clear the poor guy wasn't long for the show.
	Ian – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for questioning if people are here for the right reasons Bonus: +10 for weirdly plugging his own singing talent.... Important Info: Despite his many charms and impressive mediation skills, it seems to becoming increasingly clear that Kaitlyn and Ian probably aren't meant to be. He claims to be the least funny guy in the house while repeatedly proving he's almost certainly the smartest. And that just...doesn't really seem like a combination Kaitlyn really wants. Plus, it's clear we all need to gird ourselves for Ian questioning Kaitlyn next week, and we all know how she feels about being challenged! On a scale from 1-Kupah, he's probably just a few chin pubes shy of having a guaranteed limo ride out next week.
	Jared – 140 +5 for a rose +20 (10 x 2) for kissing on a group date +25 for requiring medical attention +30 (15 x 2) for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a one-on-one setting with a helicopter bonus +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection to Kaitlyn +10 for writing Kaitlyn a poem Bonus: +15 for making up a rap about pubes Important Info: I also want to award Jared about a million points for telling Kaitlyn he didn't really want to talk about Nick and bringing her back down to earth, but you all know my policy on awarding points for sensible decision making! What's clear is that Jared is one of the frontrunners perhaps even more so than someone like Shawn. He grounds Kaitlyn, they have delightful back and forths, and ABC seems to be airing a whole lot more of their makeout time than any of the other gents (I've decided, based on basically nothing, that Kaitlyn is pretty much just kissing everyone all the time, but ABC feels the need to cut it back so that she confirms their high standards for bachelorettes who are boring and chaste). There was even a moment where their goofy banter made me wish we got to see a few more "real connections" on one-on-one dates this year. But the most important question that Jared raised in my mind came when he was swept away for his helicopter ride which was....have they gotten rid of concerts by random artists no one has ever heard of this year?
	J. J. – 125 +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for complaining about not getting a one-on-one +10 for kissing on a group date setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +20 (10 x 2) for saying he didn't come here to make friends +5 for unintentional nudity +15 for crying so much he felt he had to slap himself in the face to rebound from it +5 for misusing the word literally ("I've literally listening to zero rap" is a particularly egregious one after we've literally just watched you doing just that) Bonus: +10 for committing the most vile offense of stealing Kaitlyn when she already had a rose +5 for saying that he loves Japanese culture and then proving it by only being able to come up with Sushi as a Japanese thing Important Info: In some ways, J.J. is something of a strange mix for a villain. He's perhaps even overly self-aware of his dastardly acts and yet it seems his quest to woo Kaitlyn is real (or, at least, as real as you can make the decision to come on reality TV to find a new stepmommy for your little girl...). In some ways, he seems more in keeping with the villains on the Bachelor rather than those we see on the Bachelorette, the women who are out to destroy their competition but still absolutely want the ring. And it does do a bit to highlight the further sexist antics of a show that made it very clear this season it's not entirely convinced that women get to do the same type of choosing as the men. The one thing that I feel like I can say, for certain, about J. J. though is that he must be the one guy who's absolutely pumped about the arrival of Nick.
	Joe – 60 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +15 for so much unintentional nudity it basically became intentional +10 for calling Kaitlyn a pet name Bonus: +5 because that pet name was in the context of apologizing for the presence of his balls  Important Info: I know I called him slightly vampiric, but I actually really, really like Joe. He's country without being hickish, bashful without being meek, and I'm pretty sure he's the one who threatened Nick with the "7 minutes of cardio" he accomplished that day. I don't really think he's Kaitlyn's guy, but I do think she'll keep him around until she realizes he's going to get hurt. Just because who doesn't want to hear "Well, I'll be" as a prologue to a kiss.
	Joshua – 35 +5 for a rose +30 for tattling on Clint Important Info: And if I really, really like Joe, than I love Joshua. I love his blushing, stammering description of menstruation; I love that he learned about sex from cows; I didn't even think his singing voice was all that bad. He's losing Kaitlyn's interest, mostly because he hasn't recently slammed her up against any walls, but I think he might be the best remaining mix of clever and attractive and kind.
	Justin – 75 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +10 for sharing that he has a son +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn +10 for kissing in a group setting Important Info: For me, Justin serves less as a man and more as an essential piece of evidence. He offers concrete proof that a) Kaitlyn is very attracted to not be questioning, and b) she has gotta be spending a lot of time kissing everyone. Nick – 110 +100 for showing up uninvited +10 (5 x 2) for kissing in a one-on-one setting Important Info: Sigh. I suppose we sort of have to get into this. So, let me just start by saying that I don't really get Nick. I don't really care about his alleged scheming or over-analyzing the game, and I'd probably even allow that his slut-shaming of Andi came from an uncontrolled emotional place. But even ignoring those things, he's wormy and condescending and doesn't do nearly enough moving of his mouth when he talks for my personal taste. But even if we pretend that he is a former contestant that I actually liked like a Dylan or a Jake Pavelka (I kid...oh, how I kid!), it's pretty undeniable that Kaitlyn made a terrible choice in letting him on the show. Her argument that there's a connection there and she wouldn't want to choose her husband without putting that connection to the test actually sounds pretty rational, unless you take any time whatsoever to think about it in the context of real life. Lots of people have someone in their life that they've always wondered about but with whom the timing never worked out, a childhood friend or the one who got away. And yet those people manage to get married and have successful romantic relationships with some regularity. Does a part of them always wonder? Perhaps. And yet they live their lives, successfully recognizing that there's no choose-your-own-adventure style guide that let's you learn the outcomes of all the paths you don't take (although I feel somewhat confident that this particular path will end with Kaitlyn being sacrificed on a alter in the temple of the Sun God Ra). I think Kaitlyn made a bad choice that is clearly going to upset a lot of the men who are already putting up with quite a lot, and I'm not convinced that watching the aftermath as she tries to rebuild their trust is going to make for particularly enjoyable TV. What would have been absolutely fascinating, though, would be if Kaitlyn had opted to run away with Nick and the producers had been forced to bring back Britt.
	Ryan – 20 +5 for a rose +5 for playing a prank on Justin Bonus: +10 for fielding what was, by far the most awkward question for the group of sex fiend kids and putting up with light heckling from the teacher with aplomb. Important Info: You can tell Ryan's not long for this competition by the pep talk he gave the other guys about how to best win Kaitlyn's heart by setting aside the looming threat of Nick. That being said, I think he might be a dark horse candidate to put up a super strong Men Tell All followed by a Bachelor in Paradise stint.
	Shawn – 65 +5 for a rose +20 for a date rose +5 for unintentional nudity +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Kaitlyn commenting on his attractiveness +10 for referencing his connection with Kaitlyn Important Info: So, I have to concede, there really is just something about Shawn. I know this to be true because despite the fact that he made it through the first two weeks without saying more than a handful of words and that he proved in the third week to be the slowest rapper in all of the Western World (and globally, there might be a Buddhist monk or two somewhere in Tibet who are slower. But that's only if you don't make exemptions for vows of silence), I keep bracing because it seems like Kaitlyn is on the verge of messing things up with Shawn. Not with the thirteen other guys who are currently vying for her heart but very specifically with Shawn. I can't explain it, but there is something about the man that makes me feel like it is he and not Kaitlyn, who is really this season's prize.
	Tanner – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 sheer petulance points for calling Justin's rose the least meaningful in the history of the show. Important Info: After pretty much laying low in weeks 1 and 2, Tanner decided to turn up whiny in week 3. I'm not saying that his criticisms of Nick weren't valid (though I do kind hope he winds up sticking around for Kaitlyn's own slut-shame-ry so we can see if hypocrisy's on his list), but I am saying there is something decidedly unmanly about saying you can't be trusted not to "antagonize" someone as if that is a real threat.
	Tony – 90 Eliminated +5 for a rose +5 for unintentional nudity +50 threatening to leave the show and following through Bonus: +15 for accidentally referring to Kaitlyn as "Britt" +5 for making the ultimate sacrifice of leaving his bonsai trees to come on the show. I'm only half joking. Those things are really, really hard to raise! +10 for the most ridiculous stand-up of all time...and let's just throw in all the equally ridiculous comments he made throughout the first two episodes as well Important Info: I've already talked a bit about Tony, but at the end of the day, his tenure on the show mostly just made me feel really, really sad. If only there was some sort of animal noise-making competition that aired on this program to cheer me up...but alas without Tony's visionary presence, I fear that may never happen...