Week 5, The Public Service Announcements

I'm not really sure that anyone was waiting for me, specifically to call it, bt I'm prettty positive that it's official. The moral fiber of America is unraveling. Did I enjoy this week's episode of The Bachelor? Absolutely, I did. In fact, it was almost as  big of train wreck as an episode of Bachelor in Paradise. But did I also think it signaled the oft foretold coming of the apocalypse? Well...probably. It would be one thing to simply witness the bevy of bad behavior, infighting, and just general terrible decision-making all in a single episode, but I think what really signified that the end of days is night is how incredibly self-aware the contestants seemed to be whilst committing each unspeakable act. I can only imagine that the choices we saw this week are the consequences of a generation weaned on reality TV, and it makes me more than a little bit worried for the fate of womankind.

I think it's probably too late to save these girls - they're doomed to be the forgotten generation, teh children who got left behind. But that doesn't mean we can't look to the future, to the young girls watching Jordan to perfect their twerk; wondering how Kardashley gets her eyelashes to luxurious and thick; plotting the adversity that they must face to be catapulted to stardom. It's not too late to save these innocent viewers, to prevent them from becoming Bachelor girls. To do this, I'm recommending an immediate program of remediation that kept so many of us 80's kids of crack. WE must couple each atrocity, each horror that crosses the screen with a public service announcement explaining why these behaviors aren't a good idea in real life (don't worry - we'll translate that to irl for all the word-hating tweens). So, let's use this week's episode to examine how this might work, exploring both the incidents and the mostly cartoon celebrities we would need to recruit to satisfactorily address these issues through the noble PSA:*

* Disclaimer: I learned in the process of writing this blog that I really don't have a bright future in sales. Some of these are really bad, you guys

This is a woman who would have
more than a few choice words for
Chris if she woke up to him making
out with Britt

He-Man/She-Ra: Unleash your Inner Princess of Power
He-Man and She-Ra actually once did a very special public service announcement about bad touching, so this seems to be a particularly apt choice for Carly and the absolute horror show of a date she was forced to live through this week. What broke my heart about Carly was not that she didn't voice her discomfort sooner during the Tantric chanting (I suppose, for her, it probably felt just like warming up for the midday, poolside, aft-deck, Swingin' Singalong of "Feelin' Hot"), but that her shattered self-confidence seems to have tricked her into believing that Chris might be the guy to make her feel beautiful and special. The worst part is, Carly's actually really likable when she's not in  a total tailspin about Britt. I want to be friends with Carly. I want to give her a big hug and tell her that she's smart and funny and frankly gorgeous and then I want to smack her in the head for thinking that a man can convince her of those things (I'll politely not give her any additional crap for picking a man who is dating 10 other girls. I imagine she already feels bad enough about that). And then we'll laugh and go watch an episode of She-Ra and talk about how she too kicked ass despite her perpetual single-ness (and also probably about how that show doesn't really stand the test of time because, alas, it does not).

Captain Planet: Did you know that the average person uses 430 tons of water a year? 
That's as much as 47 elephants (And even more if you accurately quantify it in terms of the total bullshit it actually is...). Look, I gotta be honest. I don't really care that Britt doesn't shower. And neither does Chris. As it was never explicitly mentioned, I have to imagine she doesn't smell bad, and she never looks any less than impeccably groomed and clean. In fact, I made something of a study of her hair after Carly called her out, and, inlike my hair which would be a solid mass of grease after a single day, Britt's looks pretty amazing. Sure, it's a little bit weird, but she'd clearly be Planeteer Gi's hero. And regardless of how you feel about Britt, all the mocking she took this week, both good natured and behind her back, read a little like sour grapes.

Ghostbusters: We contained a lot of ghosts in this epiosde, but there is one type of ghost that no proton pack is powerful enough to trap...
And those are the ghosts of your past decisions. The girls were haunted this week by Jordan, and Jordan was haunted by the spirit of tequila past. And look, it's fool hardy to debate whether Jordan deserves anything except, perhaps, a free Spring break in Mexico if they will consent further to be ridiculed and filmed. But, I have to say, I was a little bit disappointed that Chris didn't let Jordan stay. He seemed intrigued and maybe even a little impressed by the new, soberer Jordan, and, I think got bullied by the other girls to cut her loose. And between Chris' self-proclaimed commitment issues as well as the flimsy premise of this show being an actual vehicle to love, it seems like it would be best if Chris left himself as few opportunities for regret or doubt as possible.

My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic

This is a thing...a thing we should probably all be devoting our lives to
studying...

Just like the My Little Ponies would never exclude fanatical grown men from the ranks of their fandom, the pastel little beasties wouldn't want you to exclude your friends just for being previously discarded by the man that you and your other friends are currently vying for the attention of (in truth, they'd probably want you to band together and say terrible things about his over-gelled hair, his girlish laugh, and probably about the secret life we all know he has as a bronie, but that's perhaps a friendship lesson for another day). The showdown between Whitney and Kardashley on this very same subject was almost cartoon-like itself in its comical pitting of right vs. wrong. What was so mind-boggling about this fight though, wasn't that Whitney was essentially adorned with a halo and surrounded by chirping bird as she was making a forceful argument for why meanness is wrong, but that Kardashley legitimately did not understand the fundamentals of Whitney's argument. As baffled as I think we all were to hear Kardashley attempt to orchestrate a plan to ice out Jordan the likes of which you would ordinarily only overhear in the ladies room of a high school after curling your feet up so that no one knew you were in the stall crying and journaling, obviously), it seemed like Kardashley was even more puzzled to discover that others didn't immediately agree to her course of action. And as despicable as I find her, that definitely makes me feel a bit...I don't know..maybe, sort of, sorry for Kardashley? I might have to take a break from the ponies and go dig up my old Care Bears to adequately sort some of my feelings out.

Transformers: More than Meets the Eye
Okay, I know it's the show's tagline rather than a particularly persuasive slogan for a public service announcement, but it's just so fitting! I know I've been hard on Mackenzie these past couple of weeks, harping on her immaturity and her uncomfortable fascination with virginity, but this week she was actually sort of impressive, standing up for Whitney when it was of absolutely no discenrnable benefit to herself. Maybe it's an understandable response to being bullied for her staunch belief in aliens for all these years; maybe she just didn't want to let a Neville Longbottom moment pass her by; maybe I just need to give her credit for a little bit more togetherness than I thought. But whatever thre reason, when she responded to Kardashley's persistent whining with: "I've never seen anything bad in Whitney. You just don't like her," I was shocked and not a little impressed.

Not only is the hat inoffensive, but it's useful in every country!

Inspector Gadget: Go-Go-Gadget Ignorance!
I loved Inspector Gadget as a child. In fact, I used to pretend to be Inspector Gadget. Not Penny, not that smug Brain. Inspector Gadget. Which means I have a long track record of fully supporting ridiculous doofuses. And for awhile this week, I found myself rooting for Megan to find her beach and get a stamp in her passport. After all, she never claimed to be a geography expert! There was a point, though, where ignorance veered dangerously into racist territory (perhaps with the faux native American chanting), where I found my good will unraveling...in part toward Megan (though I assume her own eventual mortification may be punishment enough) but largely towards ABC. Because why on earth would those assholes give her a sombrero.

G.I. Joe - Let not your tragedies define you, but be sure you milk them to get a rose.
Look, we all know G.I. Joe would dominate the show. Not only is he a soldier, but he is locked in a perpetual war against, I guess, agents o some sort of acronymed military state (and you just know the producers would get a kick out of sending him on a date where he had to face live cobras). He's killed other men with his bare hands; he's held his closest friends in his arms and watched the light fade in their eyes; he is completely lacking any discernible male genitalia. He would clean up - hometown date for sure, maybe even the fantasy suites if there was any kind of connection beyond the standard pity lust. But see, I can say that...because I'm not on TV trying to win a game that prides itself on being nothing of the sort (also, no one cares what I think). The shocking part of this week was that the contestants basically said that. As I mentioned above, it was like the whole show became self-aware (note, I said the show. The girls certainly seem to remain very much in the dark about their flaws), and flexed its metacognitive muscles when it came to its treatment of tragedy. Kelsey's revelation of her husband's untimely death was treated like the key rook in a chess match (or whatever piece is considered important. All this reality-television-watching has left a hole in my brain the exact shape and size of chess rules), maybe by Kelsey, but definitely by a bevy of other girls who felt no qualms about bemoaning their own lack of dearly departed paramour to parlay into a rose. This season's show has been full of trashy magic, but part of me wonders  if its acknowledgement of the tragic machinations and sexual widgets that make it go will prove to be the beginning of the end. Because if this self-awareness is entertaining and new, I think we all still have to wonder, where does the show go from here? Part of the reason that smart women like watching the show is to identify the patterns, the intricate webs of manipulation lurking just beneath the "connections" and the earnest confessions of love. I'm just not totally sure we want it all spelled out for us by the contestants.


Pee Wee Herman: "It isn't worth it."
Those are the exact words from Pee Wee Herman's upsetting and confusing crack cocaine PSA he had to make as penance for the best-left undiscussed theater incident in the 90s. But I'm pretty sure they also apply to Kelsey. And who better to deliver the message than the master of the inexplicable himself? I legitimately can't figure out what's going on with Kelsey. It seems, in part, that she's gotten a little too chummy with one of the producers who's convincing her to say some pretty messed up things, but there's a whole other unaccounted for part that I'm just in no way prepared to explain. The panic attack, the rehearsed and creepy toast, the extremely unsettling treatment of her "beautiful" story, even the way she transformed her husband's death into an immedaite and lingering kiss...it was all just incredibly strange. Now, it's fully possible that the editing is to blame and that we're missing important bits of context that might normalize everything, but in the event that that's somehow not the case, I've prepared some explanations:

    1) Kelsey is a manipulative sociopath who's using poor Sanford's death for her own ill-gotten gain. Though I think this is the one we're supposed to believe, I find it pretty uncomfortable and unsatisfying (and not just because I have a hard time believing in the authenticity of a guy named Sanford), so let's move quickly to....
    2) Kelsey is a black widow who ensorcelled, married, then murdered her husband as a fool proof method of turning her countless rejected Bachelor audition tapes into a giant pile of yes (Is it weird that I'm less uncomfortable with this explanation than I am with #1?)
    3) Chris is Sanford, and he and Kelsey (who, in this scenario somehow gets off on seeing him with other girls) are waiting for the actual most dramatic After the Final Rose in Bachelor history to make their big reveal

I don't know which option is right (though clearly, it's one of them!), but I do know Pee Wee's Playhouse was essential in teaching me how to Connect the Dots (la la la la). The secret word of the day is "baffling," kids!