Week 7, The Almanac

This is what I imagine a gold medal looks like in Little Richard's
mind only...you know...less rapey.

It's that special time of year, everyone! The time when Chris Harrison brews his rejuvenation potion made from tears, home-cooked chicken, and 5 hours worth of collective life force from all the nation's young, hopeful viewers (I assume he tosses back the unwitting but ultimately counter-productive contributions that we crotchety fantasy-leaguers throw in). The two-night Bachelor special is always a harrowing experience, but it was a particular slog to get through crazy,catty, uncomfortableness on night one only to be forced to prop your eyelids open to make it through the ridiculously normal boringness of night two (with  a side of Jade's Playboy video which..I have mixed feelings about her revelation and its aftermath. I have only one feeling about them airing that video. It is a feeling called NO). So, I'm sure it comes as a surprise to no one that rather than focus on this week's episode, I turn to the future and handicap the odds on who will be the next Bachelorette. And I plan to do it with roughly the same accuracy of Poor Richard predicting a year's worth of weather (not to be confused with the accuracy of Little Richard predicting the Olympic Synchronized High Diving gold medalist for the past ten years. His knowledge of and passion for the sport is every bit as uncanny as his falsetto). So dig out your old algebra textbooks (which I imagine, like mine, are in pristine, brown-paper covered condition having never known the touch of human hands) and be prepared to marvel at my math:

Britt: 400:1
Why it's Likely: Britt was the villain of the week (which, you know it's been a good season when villains are treated more like vowels on Sesame Street than Lex Luther or some other recurring arch-nemesis), but she is beautiful, she's got a cool voice and an energy that screams Bachelorette. And regardless of what you think of her intentions, every word that came out of her motu was at the very least calculated to seem earnest and sincere. Out of everyone, it seems most likely that Britt was actually gunning to be the next Bachelorette which, I suppose maybe shouldn't count for much.

Why it's Unlikely: Britt got a lot of shade thrown at her from Carly and the other girls, but that might have been surmountable if she hadn't had the audacity to question the process at work. Britt's reaction to Kaitlyn's date rose was a lot of things, selfish and childish among them, but it also showed Britt losing site of the rules of the game. And while these rules are something you must never acknowledge (ahem, Kardashley. Also, I already miss you, girl. Can't wait to see you at the Women Tell All), they are also something you must never forget.

Megan: 250:1
Why it's Likely: Do I really have to include Megan in this? I guess she was technically on the episode, but like so many of the others, I think it could be argued that she wasn't all there. I guess Megan seems sweet, she didn't do anything do damage her viability over the course of the season, and there could be lots of time devoted to comparing prospective suitors to her recently deceased dad.

Why it's Unlikely: If she was the lone lady on the show, who would explain to her what was going on?

Jade: 100:1
Why it's Likely: Men would be lined up to date her. In fact, part of me suspect that there is already a place (either the Playboy Mansion or the Walmart outside of Gering, Nebraska) where there is already a queue of slavering would be prospects lined up to meet Jade. She's drop dead gorgeous, demure and unassuming, and we already know she can hack it in the role from her preview Princess date (it's clearly a sign of a two-night special-induced delusion that I'm capable of thinking of this as an audition for the Bachelorette rather than an adaptation of the beloved prostitute date). So what if she's not the perfect embodiment of Midwest values. Does anyone really care that she posed for Playboy?

Why it's Unlikely: Yes, yes they do. In fairness, I believe that Chris probably didn't, at least not personally. But the Sean Lowes of the world wouldn't thrive in Bachelor-land if "core values" weren't synonymous with "good" (or more accurately "so good we're willing to overlook all manner of misogyny"). It would be a controversial choice. it might also be a good choice. But I'll be highly surprised if it's the choice they make. I'm sure she'll wind up absolutely dominating Bachelor in Paradise, though.

Whitney: 50:1
Why it's Likely: People would undoubtedly complain about her voice, but Whitney has more than proven that she could carry the show. She's great with other people, has a measured approach to dealing with the world, and when she has a problem with someone else, she confronts them calmly, maturely, and if she was deputized by the angels of right. She'd be a great choice.

Why it's Unlikely:...But I also think she's probably the best possible choice for Chris. Between Becca's "intimacy issues" and Kaitlyn's, well, Kaitlyn-ness she seems like the most likely to happily move to Iowa and settle in to the most important career of her life: Chris's wife. Like Kaitlyn, she makes Chris laugh and is capable of building fun from nothing and like Becca, she would get along with his family and fit in. Whitney's career could be an issue (though surely even rural Iowa has a place where she can be a nurse), but assuming that she is adequately convincing about her desire to smilingly abandon all that for him, I think Whitney's the best bet to win.

Carly: 25:1
Why it's Likely: I have to say, Carly's career on The Bachelor was parabolic for me. I went from annoyed by her pink-taffeta-covered singing antics to really liking her and wanting to give her all manner of reassuring hugs back to annoyed that she was getting caught up in the whole Britt thing. That being said, "Men never want me" has historically been a highly desirable Bachelorette narrative and the most insecure Bachelorette in the show's history is also the one that allowed them to conduct an on-stage ultrasound for her during an After the Final Rose.

Why it's Unlikely: Historically, the Bachelorette needs to stay above the darmatic fray, and I'm not sure Britt's villainy was dastardly enough to cancel out Carly's petulance. Though her get-up from night one paired with Britt's omnipresent black leather pants would really just be one spinning wheel (and perhaps one of Juelia's odious headpieces) away from the perfect tableau.

Becca: 8:1
Why it's Likely: I shudder to imagine the fanfare that would follow the virgin-Bachelorette. But while I shudder, I imagine ABC rubs its greedy little feelers. Assuming Whitney wins, Becca's the most obvious choice. Sweet and seemingly above the fray, beautiful in a relatable way (meaning that she doesn't wear gobs of makeup - not so much that I relate to being as pretty as her), driven by, what one assumes is an understated faith, Becca has all the hallmarks of a traditional Bachelorette. All the boring, coma-inducing hallmarks.

Why it's Unlikely: Becca's dislike of intimacy is a bit of a head scratcher. It's totally possible that her family doesn't know her quite as well as they think they do or that they've only seen her in that one relationship with a guy she didn't really like. But assuming that, at a minimum, Becca's not the opposite of the girl her family believes she is, it's hard to see her faring particularly well on a show that's essentially sponsored by PDA.

Kaitlyn: 8:1
Why it's Likely: Pretty much every snarky blogger, late night host, and viewer who watches the show with any hint of irony wants it to be Kaitlyn. The girl is hilarious. She doesn't take herself or the show too seriously, but it's also not just a game to her. Clearly editing is partially responsible, but it's rare that a girl gets away with mocking other girls in the way that Kaitlyn has without it seeming mean-spirited or villainous. The fact that she's getting a favorable spin makes me think the cynics of the world can't be the only ones pulling for her. In a year where there isn't one clear favorite or obvious pick, I think Kaitlyn and Becca have just about even odds. Becca is the more traditional choice. But Kaitlyn is the fun one. Let's just hope that ABC would prefer to slowly kill the tiny baby bird that is our hope for an interesting season rather than immediately bashing its head in (Sorry guys. Grim metaphor. And there simply isn't a scenario where ABC lets the bird flourish and fly free).

I did find Lucretia Garfield here on a site ranking
the "45 Hottest First Ladies" to I guess they've
been subject to worse indignities.

Why it's Unlikely: Compared to ABC's "standards" and the Bachelorettes through history (which, how long do we think it will be before that becomes a set of paper dolls or something tragically marketed to little girls? I imagine the First Ladies Coloring Book I had when I was little is rolling over in its grave at the mere thought of such a thing, but, sorry Lucretia, Lady Bird and Mamie...it's coming), Kaitlyn is a little bit uncouth. I really want to stress that it's the first part of that sentence that is important. Compared to me, Kaitlyn is a modern day Emily Post, but I don't think I'm anyone's benchmark for comparison (though I do think I should probably start closing my office door when I put on deodorant at work...). She cusses a lot, she makes blatant sex jokes, and she doesn't necessarily always think before she speaks. I think this would make her an outstanding Bachelorette. I'm not 100% sure ABC will feel the same.