Week 8, The Disappointment

So, obviously, I've never made it through a season where I'm feeling really jazzed by the fantasy suites episode. This is probably in part because, as a rule, I abstain from feelings of jazziness (let's just say there was an incident in middle school involving a sequined top hat, fish net stockings, and tails that's best left undiscussed), but it's certainly at least partially attributable to the show's massive design flaw. I know there are people out there who enjoy watching others fall in love and this episode feels like a breath of fresh air after wading through a sewage system. But for those of us whose very life force ebbs and flows with the craziness, the "will they or won't they consummate their three hours worth of love" is simply not enough drama to be in any way sustaining. This year's episode, though, was particularly challenging for me because I went into it actually sort of liking all parties involved. I came out of it, though, feeling that my positive emotions toward them might have largely been a by-product of the flattering lighting cast upon them by the full on glow of insanity that burned bright in so many of the other women this year. I seriously need them to bring back Britt and Kelsey and even Kardashley (but not Ashley S...no one needs that) so that I can get back to liking the final three.

So sorry I treated you so badly. You want to come back and talk
about how you deserve to be a princess again? I promise I'm
game!

Thankfully, we won't have to wait too long for the Women Tell All to give me everything I need! And since we need to get the scores up so that we can have our Division Playoffs draft, I will just give a quick rundown on my disappointment in this week's players, so that we can move on to happier things! In order of "Well, that's not so bad - I'm sure I wouldn't make it through a season without saying something unpalatable myself" to "Who is this person and how do I get them off my screen?" here's a quick catalog of my disappointments this week.

I too am incapable of kissing my husband unless I have him
locked down, python-style with my legs. Although...in fairness
to Whitney, my legs don't look nearly that great while doing it.

Whitney: So, perhaps a mildly controversial opinion here, but I have absolutely no problem with Whitney's willingness to quit her job. If anything, I'm less than delighted with Chris' and the show's decision to treat her job like it is not just her job but indeed, her calling, and as it is noble and pure she could never possible walk away. Especially because I don't remember Whitney ever saying any of that. Whitney has clearly devoted herself to a worthwhile occupation but that should, in no way, strip her of her ability to have an opinion about working. Becca has a job (sorry, Kaitlyn. "dance instructor," like "nanny" or "dog lover" is at best code for "figuring shit out") and is spending a lot of time expressing hesitancy toward living in a small town. Why is no one grilling her? That being said, however, I did have a moment of annoyance with Whitney when she was lamenting how her mom having to work full time was "the worst." I'm not saying that Whitney shouldn't be a stay at home mom, but I'm pretty unexcited by her implication that other women should.

Becca: Did you guys know that Becca's a virgin?  I know I just complained about how boring this episode inevitably is, but I'm not sure why they expected 20 minutes talking about her lack of sexual history would address that concern. Obviously Chris wasn't going to have a problem with it as he's, you know, not a monster and I don't even think Becca was seriously that worried about it as she witnessed how everything went down with Kardashley...who also talked about it...a lot. Given the short shrift that was paid to both of her earlier one-on-one dates and the fact that 90% of her screen time this week was devoted to talking about a choice not to do something, it seems more than a little possible that Becca might just be really, really boring. I'm pretty sure after enduring the monotony of Becca talking about abstinence for the bulk of this episode, at least 40 high school girls spontaneously decided to go have sex.

She did look super amazing in the traditional Balinese garb.
Although am I the only one that could have done without the
talk of respectful behavior in the temple? As if they weren't
utterly denigrating it already just by filming a trashy reality
show there?

Kaitlyn: What the hell happened to Kaitlyn this week? Why was the funny, brash Canadian suddenly replaced with a simpering, monkey-fearing child who spent entirely too much time talking in an unbearable baby voice? I love Kaitlyn and still very much want her to be the Bachelorette, but I absolutely hate that being "soft" and "open about her emotions" somehow got translated to her as being saccharine and girly. Being emotionally vulnerable shouldn't have to necessitate that sort of change, and her line "This is Chris' world so it's whatever makes Chris happy" was, though not untrue, super cringe-worthy. In some ways, I'm glad Kaitlyn got sent home because she seemed to be turning into something so much less than her actual self.


Chris: If every Bachelor has his fatal flaw (and if Juan Pablo was basically just a richly layered, creamed spinach- and kumquat-flavored tiramisu of fatal flaws), the Chris' is his charming naivete. He's so very earnest about his quest for a wife, that he doesn't understand that it is also a game that requires something at least approaching finesse on his part to win. I'm sure he wasn't exactly a loyal viewer of the show before his sisters signed him up for Andi's season, but that doesn't mean he couldn't have watched a few episodes just for, you know, background research. Chris made some terrible decisions this week that are clearly going to get him in trouble when he watches the episodes back on the phone with his scary quiet future "wife." And it's particularly inexplicable as it seems like he's already made his final choice. Whitney is the obvious front runner and yet he agonized at length over who would be his second choice. As if any woman is anxious for that honor! And as if that wasn't bad enough, did he just assume that they wouldn't air the footage of him telling each and every woman that he was falling in love with them? The only redeeming thing I have to note about Chris this week is that at least if he has already made his decisions, he has been generous enough to give us the pleasure of Kaitlyn's company for the Women Tell All.