Week 6, Once Upon a Time

If this show is a fairy tale, then Chris Harrison is its fairy godmother. He makes sure everyone is dressed appropriately for the ball, and refurbishes sooty images (unless, of course, you refuse to say "I love you." What are you, ungrateful? The man's working magic, here!). He makes men feel like princesses and women feel like prostitutes (But, you know, the good kind of prostitutes who get to spurn Jason Alexander and marry Richard Gere). Sure, he favors two-toned shirts and extraneous breast pockets over gossamer wings and tutus, but it doesn't change the fact that the man is making dreams come true.

After so many years on the job, the man is a seasoned pro, but this week he really found both his bibbity and his bobbity severely taxed trying to deal with the aftermath of Kaitlyn's non-godmother sanctioned activities. Fortunately, he came up with, what I think even a killjoy like Maleficent would have to admit is an outstanding idea. If Kaitlyn is regretting having sex with one of the men, why doesn't she just have sex with all of them!?! After all, shouldn't she really level the playing field (Or at least cryogenically freeze a few of her eggs before they all turn into pumpkins. If she can't make this process work for her, well, she's not getting any younger...)?

Look, Kaitlyn's clearly a mess. Not because she slept with Nick, but because she's worked herself into an emotional tizzy that's pretty much invalidating this (already super valid) process and making the show pretty brutal to watch. But the fact that ABC seems to want to make us believe that she needs Chris Harrison to come in and fix everything for her is frankly pretty insulting. And making her quickly dump three guys so she can dive into bed with the rest? It doesn't really seem like the glass slipper she needs.


But since he didn't exactly have his strongest week when it came to his main charge, let's take a look at the other wishes the fairy god-pimp granted behind the scenes this week, when he wasn''t too preoccupied arranging for Kaitlyn to have more sex:

Ben H. - For Ben H., Chris Harrison grants producer management of all ongoing conversations. Ben and Kaitlyn seemed far too relaxed and natural, but don't worry. Chris Harrison has the perfect potion up his sleeve to produce a stilted, awkward, and teary conversation about Shawn. You're welcome, Ben H.

Ben Z. - To Ben Z., he gives the gift of potentially being the next Bachelor. I mean, Chris isn't making any promises or anything. There's a few other strong contenders who are still in the ring. But Kaitlyn could pick Nick or Shawn could have a total melt down. So, maybe this gift of, you know, just sitting tight? Hanging out in the wings in case we need you? Could Chris get you anything while you're waiting? A football, maybe?

It really isn't the same without the sound effects

Chris - Chris Harrison sees what your soul looks like, Chris, and he finds it beautiful. So Chris has lovingly granted you a new home in the lonely Irish hinterlands. After multiple seasons without an abandonment, when J.J. got stranded with only the soon-to-be lifeless body of his cameraman for food, I bet you thought it couldn't also happen to you. But Chris Harrison's magic knows no bounds. All it takes is a quick flick of his pocket square and poof! Now your soul looks like that of a little girl!

Jared -  To Jared, Chris Harrison gives the gift of hotel rooms three. Sure, Jared hasn't gotten to use any of Kaitlyn's suites in the manner of, say, Nick, but he has seen them all. And that's got to count for something. I mean, who isn't a fan of neutral-colored, wholly-unobjectionable art? Not to mention, sitting on other people's stale fluids!

J.J. - For J.J., he grants more time with his beautiful daughter. After all, six is such a precious age, and they change every day so you really don't want to miss a mo.... What's that? You'd rather just be on Bachelor in Paradise? Very well. Done!

Joe - To Joe, he gives a stay of execution. He's not going to make it through next week, but at least for now, he can hang out and be delightful. You know what, this might actually be a gift for us. Can Joe be the next Bachelor? Just so we can all listen to him say things?

BELIEVE!!!

Nick - For Nick, he grants erasure of all video that exposes his web of lies. Chris Harrison noticed that you told Kaitlyn you didn't say your date was intimate when, in fact, you said that exact thing. But don't worry Chris Harrison will take care of it. Or he won't and will choose, instead, to throw you to the wolves at the Men Tell All. We shall see!

Shawn - For Shawn, Chris Harrison grants no wish. Not because Shawn is not deserving, and brave, and kind. He is all those things. How could he conquer the dragons and briers that guard Kaitlyn's hotel room twice in one week were he not noble and true? But Shawn must learn that the power to
grant wishes, like the power to eat and sleep and the power to stick around, truly lies within himself. He hold the key. If he can find a way, in his purest heart, in his his maybe-not entirely-feeble brain, to truly believe.

Tanner - Oh....Tanner...are you still here? Because Chris just did a really nice thing with Shawn and it felt like a really good way to wrap up the post, so...maybe we can all just wait while you quietly slip out the back?

Week 8, The Disappointment

So, obviously, I've never made it through a season where I'm feeling really jazzed by the fantasy suites episode. This is probably in part because, as a rule, I abstain from feelings of jazziness (let's just say there was an incident in middle school involving a sequined top hat, fish net stockings, and tails that's best left undiscussed), but it's certainly at least partially attributable to the show's massive design flaw. I know there are people out there who enjoy watching others fall in love and this episode feels like a breath of fresh air after wading through a sewage system. But for those of us whose very life force ebbs and flows with the craziness, the "will they or won't they consummate their three hours worth of love" is simply not enough drama to be in any way sustaining. This year's episode, though, was particularly challenging for me because I went into it actually sort of liking all parties involved. I came out of it, though, feeling that my positive emotions toward them might have largely been a by-product of the flattering lighting cast upon them by the full on glow of insanity that burned bright in so many of the other women this year. I seriously need them to bring back Britt and Kelsey and even Kardashley (but not Ashley S...no one needs that) so that I can get back to liking the final three.

So sorry I treated you so badly. You want to come back and talk
about how you deserve to be a princess again? I promise I'm
game!

Thankfully, we won't have to wait too long for the Women Tell All to give me everything I need! And since we need to get the scores up so that we can have our Division Playoffs draft, I will just give a quick rundown on my disappointment in this week's players, so that we can move on to happier things! In order of "Well, that's not so bad - I'm sure I wouldn't make it through a season without saying something unpalatable myself" to "Who is this person and how do I get them off my screen?" here's a quick catalog of my disappointments this week.

I too am incapable of kissing my husband unless I have him
locked down, python-style with my legs. Although...in fairness
to Whitney, my legs don't look nearly that great while doing it.

Whitney: So, perhaps a mildly controversial opinion here, but I have absolutely no problem with Whitney's willingness to quit her job. If anything, I'm less than delighted with Chris' and the show's decision to treat her job like it is not just her job but indeed, her calling, and as it is noble and pure she could never possible walk away. Especially because I don't remember Whitney ever saying any of that. Whitney has clearly devoted herself to a worthwhile occupation but that should, in no way, strip her of her ability to have an opinion about working. Becca has a job (sorry, Kaitlyn. "dance instructor," like "nanny" or "dog lover" is at best code for "figuring shit out") and is spending a lot of time expressing hesitancy toward living in a small town. Why is no one grilling her? That being said, however, I did have a moment of annoyance with Whitney when she was lamenting how her mom having to work full time was "the worst." I'm not saying that Whitney shouldn't be a stay at home mom, but I'm pretty unexcited by her implication that other women should.

Becca: Did you guys know that Becca's a virgin?  I know I just complained about how boring this episode inevitably is, but I'm not sure why they expected 20 minutes talking about her lack of sexual history would address that concern. Obviously Chris wasn't going to have a problem with it as he's, you know, not a monster and I don't even think Becca was seriously that worried about it as she witnessed how everything went down with Kardashley...who also talked about it...a lot. Given the short shrift that was paid to both of her earlier one-on-one dates and the fact that 90% of her screen time this week was devoted to talking about a choice not to do something, it seems more than a little possible that Becca might just be really, really boring. I'm pretty sure after enduring the monotony of Becca talking about abstinence for the bulk of this episode, at least 40 high school girls spontaneously decided to go have sex.

She did look super amazing in the traditional Balinese garb.
Although am I the only one that could have done without the
talk of respectful behavior in the temple? As if they weren't
utterly denigrating it already just by filming a trashy reality
show there?

Kaitlyn: What the hell happened to Kaitlyn this week? Why was the funny, brash Canadian suddenly replaced with a simpering, monkey-fearing child who spent entirely too much time talking in an unbearable baby voice? I love Kaitlyn and still very much want her to be the Bachelorette, but I absolutely hate that being "soft" and "open about her emotions" somehow got translated to her as being saccharine and girly. Being emotionally vulnerable shouldn't have to necessitate that sort of change, and her line "This is Chris' world so it's whatever makes Chris happy" was, though not untrue, super cringe-worthy. In some ways, I'm glad Kaitlyn got sent home because she seemed to be turning into something so much less than her actual self.


Chris: If every Bachelor has his fatal flaw (and if Juan Pablo was basically just a richly layered, creamed spinach- and kumquat-flavored tiramisu of fatal flaws), the Chris' is his charming naivete. He's so very earnest about his quest for a wife, that he doesn't understand that it is also a game that requires something at least approaching finesse on his part to win. I'm sure he wasn't exactly a loyal viewer of the show before his sisters signed him up for Andi's season, but that doesn't mean he couldn't have watched a few episodes just for, you know, background research. Chris made some terrible decisions this week that are clearly going to get him in trouble when he watches the episodes back on the phone with his scary quiet future "wife." And it's particularly inexplicable as it seems like he's already made his final choice. Whitney is the obvious front runner and yet he agonized at length over who would be his second choice. As if any woman is anxious for that honor! And as if that wasn't bad enough, did he just assume that they wouldn't air the footage of him telling each and every woman that he was falling in love with them? The only redeeming thing I have to note about Chris this week is that at least if he has already made his decisions, he has been generous enough to give us the pleasure of Kaitlyn's company for the Women Tell All.

Sharleen: Your Sex is On Fire by Kings of Leon

Because not only do I believe that Sharleen is cool enough and classy enough to pick a song that doesn't show off her musical chops, but because, at this point....she's gotta just be sticking around for the fantasy suite, right?

And this is what she shall wear...