Day 11, Juan Pablo and Nikki's Televised, Public Reconciliation Followed by their Even More Televised, Public Break-Up

First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! If this image doesn't fill your heart with holiday cheer, well, you probably just haven't had enough eggnog yet.

Second of all, look, I don't know everything. I don't know how something becomes "more televised" than anything else. I don't know how Dr. Jenn Berman hasn't been stripped of her doctorate for the PhD equivalent of deliberate malpractice. I don't know why America hasn't banded together to deprive these two despicable people of their continued day in the sun. But I do know that this will happen. And if Chris Harrison has anything to say about it, it will not be taking place on ABC. 

The Playoffs, Scores

Laura: 130

Victoria – 20 Eliminated +5 for being featured in a Blooper Bonus: +15 for telling Juan Pablo to stop using English being his second language as a crutch

Lucy – 20 +5 for being featured in a Blooper +5 for earning audience applause Bonus: +10 for jumping on Chris Harrison at the end

Kelly – 30 +5 for crying  +5 for being featured in a Blooper Bonus: +20 for calling Juan Pablo out on his homophobia. Sure, it was probably sanctioned if not fully commissioned by ABC, but still. Kudos for not pretending it never happened.

Andi – 45 +5 for earning audience applause +10 for being featured in two Bloopers +15 for allowing Chris Harrison to pretty much force her to say she was maybe, sort of feeling like she could potentially some day fall in love with Juan Pablo even though we all know that is, in NO way, the case. Bonus: +10 for not blaming Clare at all for the ocean debacle. On any other season, there is no way that the girls would have been on her side +5 for saying she pretended to sleep +10 for saying the thing she liked about Juan Pablo was that he was attractive. We know, Andi. We know.  Non-Bonus Aside: Throughout the season, Andi and Juan Pablo definitely had the most playful vibe and...was it just me or were they still totally flirting with that whole "eet's okay" thing There's no way she's not the next Bachelorette, right?  Chris Harrison doesn't ask just anyone if they still believe in every lasting love!

Alli – 15 +5 for being in a blooper Bonus: +10 for giving really one of the only concrete stories of the night. The whole asking her where she wanted to be in five years and then where she wanted to be in three years was such a perfect example of what was mainly just discussed in vagueries by all the band wagon jumpers-on. I'm sad they didn't let Alli talk at all this season. She seemed reasonable and pretty cool.

Melissa: 80

Sharleen - 50 +10 for being called the "most intriguing person we've had" by Chris Harrison. It is intriguing that some people don't think this show is the key to lasting love. +20 for earning whispers of audience disbelief + 5 for earning audience applause...for defending Juan Pablo's homophobia Bonus: +5 for saying Juan Pablo had "Buyer's Remorse" for sleeping with Clare. I actually don't think she meant it like that, but it's rather surprising that the only real cattiness of the night would come from her. +10 for admitting at long last that it was just physical

Chelsie - 10 +10 for being featured in two Bloopers and completely failing to otherwise show up

Kat - 15 +10 for being featured in two Bloopers Bonus: +5 for voicing her totally reasonable annoyance at not being considered one of the "special ones"

Lauren S. - 5 Bonus: +5 for point about "honesty." There was a lot of griping about Juan Pablo and, for the most point, I didn't score the pretty much constant reiteration about how he was unfair and used his daughter as a crutch and whatnot, but Lauren S. here had a legitimate gripe. I only wish she could have expressed it a bit more coherently when Juan Pablo had been on stage.

Maggie - 0 Poor Maggie. Or perhaps, Lucky Maggie. I suppose it largely depends on your perspective!

Maggie: 55

	Lauren H. - 0 Poor Lauren H. definitely just joined the Juan Pablo-bashing party and forgot to bring a gift. Her problem was not so much that Juan Pablo wasn't really listening...it was more likely that he was.
	Cassandra – 20 +5 for appearing in a Blooper Bonus: +5 for saying Juan Pablo was either disrespecting her or disrespecting Renee. An excellent illustration of the hypocrisy.  +10 for saying he shouldn't have gone on the hometown with Renee and shouldn't have met Ben. Cassandra was many, many times less vapid on the WTA then she was on the actual show.
	Danielle – 0
	Elise – 0
	Renee – 35 +10 for being featured in two Bloopers +15 for already being in a relationship Bonus: +10 for saying the things she likes about Juan Pablo are that he's "super handsome and has an accent." Knowing only that about him is how we got into this mess in the first place!

Week 8, The Scores

	Andi – 245 Wonderfully, Gloriously Self-Eliminated +5x2 for kissing on a one-on-one +5x2 for crying +15x2 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness (Bonus +5 because once it was to her mom) +25 for accepting the invitation to the fantasy suite +5 for a rose +10 for referencing her sadly lacking connection with Juan Pablo +50 for threatening to leave and following through Bonus:  +5 for Dad commenting on his attractiveness...sort of +5 for Dad talking about how awesome his son-in-law is +15 for making Juan Pablo a video in which the door was left open for him to believe she was coming to tell him she loved him. Andi seems like a straight shooter so I'm guessing that was the producers' doing, but he deserves it and it certainly doesn't make things any less awesome. So many amazing things happened that it was really hard to score Andi this week, but I didn't just want to say "whoever has her wins" and leave it at that, so I've decided to award +5 for every awesome and valid point Andi made and +10 for every totally unnecessary point that she clearly through out there just because she can't stand to look at Juan Pablo's stupid face.  That brings us to:    +5 for saying he didn't care about who she was    +5 for saying he needs to love her more than he loves himself    +5 for being totally prepared to let him off the hook until it is blatantly obvious that he could not care less that she is leaving    +5 for saying that she hopes he's different with Clare and Nikki    +5 for being pissed he talked about sharing the fantasy suite with Clare    +10 for the ludicrous "default" vs. "barely" debate    +10 for getting ragey every time he said "It's okay"    +10 for mentioning his name dropping.  That was amazing especially since clearly they've been editing around it      +10 for calling out the fact that all he wants to do is kiss rather than get to know her
	Clare – 155 +5x2 for crying +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5x2 for kissing on a one-on-one with a hot tub bonus +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +15 for blatant intoxication in the fantasy suite +15 for confessing her love for Juan Pablo +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness...in a bikini...with a creepy tongue roll +5x2 for a rose Bonus:  +15 for the not-at-all producer-concocted drama with Laura, my favorite part of which was when she huffily said "I'll just stand over here." +15 for totally understandable dithering about whether or not to accept the fantasy suite invitation. +0 points for not calling out Juan Pablo's disgusting continued hypocrisy on this subject.   +10 for being not at all disturbed by Juan Pablo casually dropping that he'll be spending the night in the fantasy suite with any and all takers +10 for saying "When we wake up, we'll know a lot more about each other." I do not want to know a single item that might have made that list
	Nikki – 115 +5x2 for kissing on a one-on-one +25 for accepting an invitation to the fantasy suite +5x2 for a rose +15 for confessing her love for Juan Pablo +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for the super-subtle decision to ride the mechanic bull with Juan Pablo. So hard to figure out what she was trying to communicate there! +15 for the outfit she elected to wear while riding horses, single-handedly overtaking jodhpurs as the most ridiculous article of clothing ever to be displayed on the back of a horse +5 for saying that she felt like a giant weight was lifted off her shoulders once she confessed her love - that's exactly what you should feel when you tell someone you love them! +10 for her bizarre video in which she recapped their dates rather than, you know, talking about anything silly like feelings.
	Renee – 50 Eliminated +5 for crying, adorably because she was so overwhelmed when she saw Ben. Shame on the producers for making her wait to do it in front of Juan Pablo +5 for misusing the word literally +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for confessing her love for Juan Pablo Bonus: +10 for being subjected to the indignities of having her eyebrows pet +10 for Renee's mom telling her "We can love out pets." You're lovely Renee. I'm sure that won't always be true!

Week 8, The Girl

Okay, I admit it. This week was - if not the most dramatic - than certainly the best in many, many years of Bachelor history. Sure, there were hometowns and more than  the requisite amount of Clare and Nikki dithering over their misguided "feeling," but Andi's actions - her post-coital regrets, her manipulative and ultimately awesome video made this whole terrible season totally worthwhile, not just for me, but for the entire franchise.

We all fell a little in love with Andi this week, we peered, fleetingly but magically into the depths of her soul and found it was not wanting. We felt all the feelings for Andi that we now know Juan Pablo is incapable of feeling and our connection with her is now so much stronger than what we have with the other girls. We're ready now, if not to propose, than certainly to make her the next Bachelorette. It was everything we've always wanted out of a night in the fantasy suite, and I am shocked by the depth of the things Andi has taught me about myself. Here's why:

It was Utterly Banal.
So, I'm the first to admit, when it comes to this program, I pretty much crave drama (which is odd as when it comes to my life I pretty much crave sweat pants and avoiding canceling my subscription to Sports Illustrated). I keep my fingers crossed for boyfriends back home; catty bickering makes me squirm with uncomfortable delight, hell, I've even been writing some pretty gruesome fan fiction about Danielle's stint as a black market organ harvester and Cassandra's suspiciously missing kidney (technically fictional fan fiction). So I was surprised to find what delighted me most about Andi's flight was that it was just so normal. It wasn't a mysterious secret that Andi "hid" from the producers from all those tense weeks or a vague and undefinable sense of not being ready. Andi got to know the guy better and figured out her was a bit of an asshole. It's refreshingly relatable to see Andi not only go through something that everyone who has ever dated outside of a John Cougar Mellencamp song has encountered but also to put voice to to what the rest of us were thinking. And as I suspect - given the talent pool they pull from - it's something that happens at least once every season, it was amazing to actually see it play out on screen.

Yes, Nala will choose to forgo her individual room

It was about the Guy, not the Process.
Look, I'm as skeptical about the process as the next guy (it ranks somewhere between people finding gluten-free cupcakes delicious and intelligent life on other planets on my believability scale), but if Andi had gone the route of Brooks before her and had said she just wasn't feeling the love (answering the age old question posed from one young lion to another under the starry Sahara sky), then Juan Pablo wouldn't have gotten the comeuppance that he so richly deserved. I don't think appearing in a TV show that takes a page from bigamy is the best way to find everlasting love, but Andi didn't need to evaluate its potential merits because with Juan Pablo, it would be impossible. Legions of Bachelorettes have shown us that simply wanting it isn't enough. But wanting it enough to make something even resembling an effort is certainly necessary.

It wasn't about Intelligence.
I think it's probably pretty safe to assume that, like Sharleen before her, Andi is smarter than Juan Pablo. However, throughout this season, the language and cultural barriers have acted as something of a shield for the man, making it rather hard to go on the offensive against his relative level of smarts. Though the "default" debate was a bit of a distractor from an otherwise brilliantly executed fight (especially since saying she "barely" made it rather than she made it by "default" is both more accurate and frankly, a bit meaner), for the most part Andi didn't go there. And I think that's pretty great because while it isn't entirely fair to judge a man's intellect in his second langauge, there's no intelligence threshold or baseline verbal SAT score needed  to be a pretty massive dick.

She's Shaped what's Yet to Come:
I don't have a really solid understanding of how The Bachelor works in terms of filming schedules and airing the actual show (and am scared to google it because of stupid Reality Steve's pernicious and spoiler-y presence), so I can't speak with any authority on what ABC knew about how the season's ending when the story of Juan Pablo's homophobia unfolded. But I will say, if they didn't already know about what went down with Andi, didn't set him up themselves as the first yellow brick on the road to dirtbag-dom, than I am certain they must have breathed a collective sigh of relief when they heard the charges Andi brought (also, probably if they could hear the metaphors that I'm mixing given they literally plan at least three dates a season based solely on their love of metaphor and vicious prejudice against subtlety). For ABC, "this guy's a jerk" is a much better storyline than their process just not working and you caould see Chris Harrison set the wheels of the spin machine in motion as he patronized Juan Pablo into understanding the difference between like and love (you film a super awkward ad segment for a movie that no Bachelor-viewer would ever want to watch together and you think you know a guy...). Now, rather than subjecting us to the agonizing proposal that we were never going to believe in anyway, they get to treat us to a finale, the subtext of which will be, could this douchebag actually have the gall to go through with it all (totally kidding - ABC doesn't believe in subtext!)? And rather than air a sheepish mea culpa of a next season with someone lovely and gentle like Renee, they get to return gloriously with a heroic and until-this-week ideally generic Andi.

Week 7, The Scores

	Andi – 75 +5 for crying +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose Bonus: +25, mostly for the editors who filmed Juan Pablo making out with Andi in the ocean moments after sending Clare home pissed off. Funny how Andi didn't get shamed for her actions...
	Chelsie – 35 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +15 for sharing letters from home +15 for guzzling champagne in the limo home. Why don't all the girls do that?
	Clare – 65 +5 for crying +15 for continuing to milk her personal tragedy by mentioning her Dad's video +10 for questioning whether Andi is there for the right reason +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying "such a mistake" after Nikki got a rose + 10 for the hilarious bickering about who paid for the hotel room +15 for telling Chelsie she didn't have to pee so she wouldn't be forced to remain alone with Nikki Non-Bonus: Absolutely no points for saying that Sharleen should be "grateful" to be there. There's really nothing grosser than that.
	Nikki – 65 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose +5 for crying +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for seriously pissing off Juan Pablo's ex by talking to Camila before she'd had a chance to do so +10 for hilarious bickering with Clare +15 for calling Clare's family crazy which was a bit of a low blow.
	Renee – 5 +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: I award Renee no points for telling Sharleen it would "Haunt her forever" if she left.
	Sharleen – 70 Left +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +50 for threatening to leave and following through +5 for crying +10 for making Juan Pablo cry Non-Bonus Aside: This was the first thing all season that I thought Juan Pablo handled really really well. He made her feel better about leaving and appeared mature and dignified throughout their goodbyes while still admitting that she would have gotten a rose had she stayed. But you know who handles break-ups well? People who don't care that much.  Lord help us all if Sharleen comes back...

Week 7, The Girls

Under the best possible circumstances, I'm usually pretty checked out by the time we get to this week. The conversations are all rehashes, the pressure to say "I'm falling in love with you" or "I love you" (while exerting a ludicrous difference between the two) while expecting nothing in return is utterly asinine, and the drama is ginned up madness in which you can practically see the producers pulling the strings. So instead of focusing on the happenings of this week, let's turn our attention instead to a better tomorrow by examining the odds of who will become our next Bachelorette (while also acknowledging that, try as I might, I really can't bring myself to understand odds). So here, from in order of "Chris Harrison has probably already handed her the crown of roses (while warning that side effects may include stigmata)" to "all the other women would have to die first" are your candidates to be the next Bachelorette:

Renee: 2:1

Why It's Likely: At this point in the game, Renee has to be far and away the fan favorite. She's kind, she has a history of putting others before herself, and, while she doesn't have the tragic back story of, say, an Emily, consensus opinion has got to be that she deserves something good. I'm not entirely certain that she's fully made the jump from Renee, the Mom to Renee, the Woman (Hear her roar) in the eyes of Juan Pablo or any other men who might watch the show, but ABC knows who its target audience is. That won't matter.

Why It's Unlikely: She's got a kid. I'm holding out hope she says no.


Andi: 8:1

Why It's Likely: Andi checks off all the Bachelorette boxes. She's smart, has at least the appearance of self-sufficiency, and it totally devoid of anything even approaching a personality. Her need for constant reassurance is not a Bachelorette necessity (see: Jillian, Ali), but when it comes to successful outcomes, it does, against all logic, seem to be a plus (see: Ashley).

Why It's Unlikely: Because, if "coming up scenes are to be believed (and they are not - they have betrayed us far too deeply on far too many occasions), it looks like something hinky goes down in the fantasy suite. ABC likes their Bachelorettes heartbroken, but not controversial or emotionally scarred.

Sharleen: 20:1 

Why It's Likely: Look, I know I've gone back and forth on Sharleen almost as many times as she

went back and forth on Juan Pablo, but ultimately, she would be my first choice to be the next Bachelorette. She's a smart, talented lady who doesn't fully but into the Bachelor/ette process, and I think it would be a great change of pace. Yes, watching her dither over whether to leave or not was frustrating, but I get it. She recognized he was never going to be the guy for her, kinda wanted to stick around to see if he compensated for his lack of intelligence in other areas, and then finally let her guilt get the better of her. It's probably not the most flattering character sketch, but at least it shows a kernel of self-awareness that we're not normally treated to on this show where a man is almost instantly forgiven after shaming the girl he just banged in the ocean. At the very least it would be refreshing to have a Bachelorette who knows that "nerdy" and "intelligent" and "unattractive" are three totally distinct things.

Why It's Unlikely: As I've just stated, Sharleen doesn't fully buy into the process, and for that, she must be punished. No matter how often Bachelors and Bachelorettes harp on about how it's a two way street, they don't mean it. It's not. You come on the show, fall instantly in love with a man about which you know three very generic things and then hope against hopes that you can strategize your way into a ring. That's the game, and you're there to win it not to make savvy or measured life choices (or to make friends - we know your type!). Brooks pulled the same thing with Desiree, and...well...has anyone seen him lately?

Chelsie: 25:1

Why It's Likely: Sure, we know next to nothing about Chelsie, but look how that turned out for Juan Pablo! I think it would certainly take a few ladies turning them down, but given Renee's child, Andi's career, and Sharleen's impending Harrison-ordered hit that's not totally outside of the realm of possibilities

Why It's Unlikely: Look, Chelsie really does seem like a nice person, but I fear she probably lacks the abs, the Spanish accent, the little button of a daughter back home to whip up the sort of frenzy she would need to elevate her status from a relative unknown to the next Bachelorette.

Clare: 100:1

Why It's Likely: A few weeks ago, when Clare had the righteous indignation of every Bachelor-watching woman in America at her back, it would have been a lot more likely, but now, not so much. At this point, really the only thing keeping her hopes alive is the fact that ABC wants to show that video from her father even more than they want to show a Shonda Rhimes series about six sexy singles trying to make it as IRS auditors in the steamy world of fiscal accountability, each with a secret to hide.

Why It's Unlikely: They never choose the borderline unstable one. I'd like to say it's out of some sort of sense of moral responsibility, but let's be honest. It's 'case they're saving them for Bachelor Pad.

Nikki: 500:1

Why It's Likely: I honestly can't think of a single reason...But the least mean reason she won't be is because I'm thinking she's probably going to win.

Why It's Unlikely: We didn't really have much of a villain this season, but if we did, I guess it would be Nikki. While I certainly don't have any issue with her very mild negativity or the fact that she didn't want to listen to people trash talk her friend (which they were definitely about to do), her cockiness about the date roses, perpetual bragging about herself, and general petulance during her disagreement with Clare (although, really, when is "I know you are but what am I" ever not a good come back?) don't make for a very attractive combo, and even if she doesn't wind up unbalanced by a massive Neil Lane rock, I can't see her ascending to fill the throne Juan Pablo leaves vacant.

Week 6, The Girls

There's a metaphor trapped somewhere in my brain. I can hear it clamoring for my attention, though it's faint, trapped as it is by the theme song to Fraggle Rock and the names and arguments for legitimacy of all nine of Santa's Reindeer (That's right. I said nine, Clement Clarke Moore. And Santa is not a smoker. Get with the times!). Maybe it's Noah's Arc and I'm doling out limited berths to the rest of the animals (sorry, Dragons. The elephants already claimed the only king-sized room). Or maybe it's an outbreak of some rare, charmingly named but virulently deadly strain of influenza (I'm thinking Chinchilla Pox) and I'm parceling out our fatally under-stocked vaccine.  But whatever it is, the point is, this season has gotten to the point where I want to save these women from the awful fate that stands before them handing out roses, and the prospects of everyone making it out alive are looking mighty grim.

So here, in order of who I would save first, of who's definitely getting a space in the bunker or one of the last remaining bullets in my gun (Woah, sorry guys. This season is clearly making me go to a very dark place. But let's face it. At least there's dignity in death) are this season's remaining women.

Renee:
  How Renee even made it onto this show completely escapes me. Did she get someone super manipulative to pee in a cup for her so that she could fake her urine sample (because clearly, they must use some sort of genetic marker of terrible-ness as part of the audition process)? Because Renee seems like way too nice of a person to even be on this show. at this point, I am really just hoping against all hopes that something happens next week (I wouldn't complain if it resulted in a black eye for Juan Pablo either) to prevent her from making it to hometown dates because I'm pretty sure her poor son Ben will contract mild misogyny just by being in the same room as Juan Pablo.

Chelsie:
  I know. My choice surprised me too. But, is it just me or is Chelsie less the vapid, giggly airhead they tried to bill her has at the beginning of the show and more...rational than the standard Bachelor fare. After last week's episode in which she correctly identified jealousy rather than insisting the collective negative affect they were experiencing was Clare-being-a-bitchface-who's-not-here-for-the-right-reasons, she followed up this week with the insightful recognition of the fact that her connection with Juan Pablo might not be as strong as some of the other girls (although clearly not insightful enough...). We're going to need a woman of her skills in our brave new world lest our citizens interpret a zombie attack as merely people who "didn't come here to make friends."

Clare: 
Clare lives in a fantasy land made all the more complicated by the fact that, in the real world, she and Juan Pablo have been reduced to speaking in code. (These two should never mix. Have you ever seen a Care Bear try to speak in code? Their poor fluffy heads nearly explode and their colorful tummies turn into blotchy, scaly rashes). In Clare's world, she and Juan Pablo have a relationship based on common interests and mutual respect. In Juan Pablo's world, Clare;s that super hot chick who's kind of crazy and spends way too much time talking about her dad, but who he really, really wants to bang (but only in the sanctified hallows of the fantasy suite. He has a daughter for Pete's sake). In Clare's world, Juan Pablo apologized for swimming in the ocean when he should have just said "no" up front. In Juan Pablo's world, he basically claimed that he was too weak to say "no" to Clare's aggressive sexual advances (did I mention Juan Pablo's world is really messed up?). We need to get Clare out of there before she sleeps with this guy again or, worse yet, shows him that video lovingly crafted by her dad.

Cassandra:
So, believe it or not, Cassandra is not "one of my special ones." This is partially because I recognize that calling a woman one of many who are special is paradoxical and likely to make her feel like the reverse. But mostly, it's because I don't have anything to say about Cassandra. I don't have any feelings about her as a person. I don't have any feelings about her early exit (except for the ways in which it likely really sucked for both Sword-of-Damacles-imprisoned Renee and not-respected-enough-to-have-those-two-extra-days Kat). She's basically just a neutral void in my Bachelor-watching life. But hey, at least she wouldn't take up too much room in the bunker.

Andi:
Of the legions of women who are too smart for Juan Pablo (we're getting t-shirts made. Yours are all in the mail), And has to be the only one who doesn't realize it.

Sharleen: 
I want to want to save Sharleen. Out of all these girls, I think she's the one who clearly sees what Juan Pablo is. But let's face it, if I staged a stunning rescue (something appropriately operatic, I think, with camels and maybe some sort of helicopter), she would probably claw my face so that she could get dragged back into his miserable web, and in this fictional hellscape we now live in, Bacitracin is hard to come by.

Kat:
I see you, Kat. I know what's going on here. Look, growing up with an alcoholic parent is undoubtedly tough. I'm not trying to take that away from Kat or to suggest that she's not dealing with very real personal tumult or abandonment issues, but the way in which she doled out her first memory....I'd be lying if I said I didn't find it a bit manipulative. In high school English class whenever I didn't want to put a lot of effort into a poetry assignment, I'd write about something so maudlin and so personal that I'd essentially dare my English teacher to give me anything less than an "A" (my husband just used to rip off song lyrics from a lesser known band. I bet, ultimately, his high school English teacher was considerably happier with his approach). And it worked. Either my teacher had a real love of rhyming couplets that paired "tragic death" with "final breath" or he just repeatedly and unfailingly doled out what was tantamount to a pity grade. Kat tried to use that same strategy this week to snag the final rose, and she did an admirable (by which I mean truly agonizing) job. But she failed to consider who her audience was. My English teacher was a bearded, elbow-patch jacket wearing hippie who allegedly use to offer to get kids pot. Juan Pablo is a shallow, sexist chach who would prefer his sex:talking ratio be very, very high. The upside is, though, that I don't need to save Kat from this terrible season because she's already saved herself.

Nikki:
So, it's probably unfair of me to put Nikki after Kat just because she's touching on one of my biggest pet peeves, but it's my lifeboat (there it is - it took me a whole blog post, but I found the metaphor!) and it you want a seat you better have a life jacket made entirely of cake and/or (screw it. I'm saying and! It's my lifeboat!) avoid those things that I found insufferably annoying. But seriously, Nikki won't stop violating my cardinal rule about bragging.  What we've seen from Nikki is a pretty negative black hole for fun who seems to think she's better than the other girls. What we've heard from Nikki is that she has a good sense of herself and that she has a good heart. Nikki, I can't say this loudly enough (especially since you're all the way back on the capsized S.S. Juan Pablo while the other ladies and I float safely out of the fray): IF YOU HAVE TO SAY IT ABOUT YOURSELF, IT PROBABLY ISN'T TRUE.

Week 5, The Scores

	Alli – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying
	Andi – 45 +10 for kissing on a group date +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for complaining about not getting the 1-on-1 (this has now been added to the permanent rules +5 for exceptionally poor emotion recognition. Every time she complains she ends up feeling better and he winds up looking super annoyed. Someone needs to get her some feelings magnets to practice with.
	Cassandra – 25 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for calling out the awkwardness of Clare coming back clearly upset. Cassandra, perhaps, needs to spend more time around grown-ups.
	Chelsie – 10 +5 for crying  +5 for a rose Non-Bonus: Were it an option, Chelsie would deserve negative points for all her reasonableness about the fact that the other girls were jealous of Clare. No one wants you to be so accurate and mature!
	Clare – 140 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose +20 for kissing on a group date with hot tub bonus +20 for stealing unsanctioned time with Juan Pablo +25 for implied sex +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for faking allergies while crying All the points (also know as +20) for saying, "I let go of fear and let myself be vulnerable. We just went for it. Pure Bliss in every way" follow by a description of herself with wobbly legs. We GET IT, Clare. You had sex. +10 for her wildly inappropriate toast in which she felt it necessary to also tell the other girls that they had sex.
	Danielle – 10 Eliminated +5 for crying Bonus: +5 for a rare exit with a little bit of class.
	Kat – 5 +5 for a rose
	Kelly – 10 Eliminated Bonus:+5 for wondering aloud what base Clare and Juan Pablo had made it to. +5 for describing how Clare having no friends was an advantage Non-Bonus: +15 for the editors who cut the clip of Kelly after she said, "Can we hate Clare for that? I mean, we can, but..." She was clearly just about to say something very reasonable. Thank heavens they rescued us from that!
	Nikki – 85 +10 for facing a fear +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for making a terrible metaphor about her date (adding this to the rules as well. I can't believe it wasn't already there) +10 for snottiness around how she always gets a group date rose +15 for pointing out both that she has a nice booty and that she has a big heart...Nikki, if you have to say it about yourself....
	Renee – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +10 for referencing her connection with Juan Pablo Bonus: + 5 for saying Juan Pablo makes her palms hurt as if that is just a thing. Non-Bonus Aside: It is a remarkable feat of humanity that Clare somehow manages to make Juan Pablo seem less deplorable.  A remarkable feat that, unfortunately, does not carry with it any points.
	Sharleen – 30 +10 for kissing in a group setting +5 for a rose +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for questioning her connection...again...seriously, Sharleen. Give it a rest!

Week 5, The Drama

The Situation: Nikki's Cave Rappelling

Internet evidence doesn't seem to
support Nikki's fear of heights. Clearly it
supports my stalker-y-ness quite nicely

How Dramatic Was It? Look, I acknowledge that not everyone watches the Bachelor hoping to see what I see. I like the drama. I yearn for creative acts of villainy. I'm hoping to watch at least one girl insult an entire country of people, watch at least one guy cry totally ridiculous tears. And I get that some people watch the show because they believe in the process or are, at the very least, hopeful that against all odds someone will find love. But seriously, can't we all agree that we're over watching people face fears?  There can't possibly be anyone out there who still actually likes watching a crying, shaking girl descend a mountain while they dub over her much calmer voice sharing a few trite metaphors about love, can there be?
Who's to Blame? Mostly the producers, but the girls are a little bit to blame in the way they fill out their interview questionnaires. If I were ever held at gunpoint and forced to go on this show (perhaps, I don't know, if my husband and dignity were both being held hostage?), my list of greatest fears would include chocolate, cheese, and sitting by the fire drinking wine.

The Situation: The Aftermath of Sex on the Beach
How Dramatic Was It? It was less dramatic that it was absolutely abhorrently gross.
Who's to Blame? Juan Pablo is to blame. I'm sure I've said more than enough, but this guy is so bad that the producers have to entice us back by peppering the commercial breaks with the engagement of two probably less disgusting strangers. And speaking of which...

The Situation: The Jared Commecial
How Dramatic Was It? On our TV screens, it was all Nikki spelunking and Clare developing an allergy to Vietnam, but I imagine somewhere, in his dark mahogany-planked lair, Neil Lane (who obviously watches every episode while telling his wife he's taking a little "me time" to read some Hemingway and enjoy a 30-year old Glenlivet) put down his scotch (because even Neil Lane knows some degree of honesty is essential in a marriage. Plus, the burning sensation prevents him from falling too deeply into Chris Harrison's piercing blue eyes), clenched his fist and shouted "JARED."
Who's to Blame? I don't know how Jared's orange, leathery proprietor (obviously prequalifications for diamond sales) managed to worm his way into ABC's hearts or how Neil Lane managed to lose their favor (though clearly, what he didn't do was make homophobic comments), but there's life in the old boy yet, and Jared best prepare himself for a cold dish of revenge.


The Situation: The Final Rose
How Dramatic Was It? Look Alli and Danielle were pretty much dead weight and Kelly was just hanging around to provide commentary until there were only serious contenders left. But more pressingly....when did Andi turn into such a dead ringer for Julia Louis Dreyfus?
Who's to Blame? God? Genetics? Larry David?  Is this season over yet?

Bachelor Pad Audition of the Week: Juan Pablo

Perhaps it seems that Clare is the more obvious choice here given her monastic devotion to the pillars of Bachelor Pad life. Flirting, having sex, making wildly inappropriate and not at all subtle toasts, and, of course, crying. But I have to say, her reaction to everything that happened at the cocktail party this week was just a little too...well...sensible....a little too understandable for the televised summer of sin. Clare had been putting out (I have never intended a pun more vehemently in my life) strong craziness vibes heading into this week, but she disrupted the delicate ecosystem of her own insanity through her authentic confusion and remorse.

No, better to focus instead on the man who is to blame for all the drama that transpired this week. Better to focus on Juan Pablo. I think it's no secret that ABC is really regretting choosing Juan Pablo to be the Bachelor. They took a gamble on an unknown quantity that the screaming legions of American women badly wanted to see (which - who are these women they find for all of these studio tapings? Should I be concerned about my level of life satisfaction because I don't have any friends who squeal?) and wound up with someone who is "more pervert" on screen and "more terrible at making decisions and being a likable human" off screen than they ever could have imaged.

But despite the fact that Juan Pablo is pretty much making a mockery of the Bachelor process and, you know, human decency, he would have been perfect for Bachelor Pad. He has Chris Bukowski's rare knack for sleeping with women and then making them feel instantly terrible about it; he has inconsistent standards about what he is and is not willing to let his daughter see; and he's the quickest rationalizer in the West (i.e., Ben's 8, so Renee shouldn't kiss anyone, but Camila's 4, so that means - if you carry the one and round to the nearest whole number - that I should kiss...all the people. And probably sleep with at least 3 or 4 of them, you know, to account for the margin of error). He could author, direct, and star in a one man Bachelor Pad show (the critically-reviled off-off-Broadway production of "Will You Accept this Cess Pool?") so adept is he at the way of the franchise offshoot where all pretenses are dropped. At least the Bachelor Pad producers can take comfort in knowing that, by the time their casting season rolls around again, there's a 98.947% chance that Juan Pablo will be both available and single.