Week 5, The Drama

The Situation: Nikki's Cave Rappelling

Internet evidence doesn't seem to
support Nikki's fear of heights. Clearly it
supports my stalker-y-ness quite nicely

How Dramatic Was It? Look, I acknowledge that not everyone watches the Bachelor hoping to see what I see. I like the drama. I yearn for creative acts of villainy. I'm hoping to watch at least one girl insult an entire country of people, watch at least one guy cry totally ridiculous tears. And I get that some people watch the show because they believe in the process or are, at the very least, hopeful that against all odds someone will find love. But seriously, can't we all agree that we're over watching people face fears?  There can't possibly be anyone out there who still actually likes watching a crying, shaking girl descend a mountain while they dub over her much calmer voice sharing a few trite metaphors about love, can there be?
Who's to Blame? Mostly the producers, but the girls are a little bit to blame in the way they fill out their interview questionnaires. If I were ever held at gunpoint and forced to go on this show (perhaps, I don't know, if my husband and dignity were both being held hostage?), my list of greatest fears would include chocolate, cheese, and sitting by the fire drinking wine.

The Situation: The Aftermath of Sex on the Beach
How Dramatic Was It? It was less dramatic that it was absolutely abhorrently gross.
Who's to Blame? Juan Pablo is to blame. I'm sure I've said more than enough, but this guy is so bad that the producers have to entice us back by peppering the commercial breaks with the engagement of two probably less disgusting strangers. And speaking of which...

The Situation: The Jared Commecial
How Dramatic Was It? On our TV screens, it was all Nikki spelunking and Clare developing an allergy to Vietnam, but I imagine somewhere, in his dark mahogany-planked lair, Neil Lane (who obviously watches every episode while telling his wife he's taking a little "me time" to read some Hemingway and enjoy a 30-year old Glenlivet) put down his scotch (because even Neil Lane knows some degree of honesty is essential in a marriage. Plus, the burning sensation prevents him from falling too deeply into Chris Harrison's piercing blue eyes), clenched his fist and shouted "JARED."
Who's to Blame? I don't know how Jared's orange, leathery proprietor (obviously prequalifications for diamond sales) managed to worm his way into ABC's hearts or how Neil Lane managed to lose their favor (though clearly, what he didn't do was make homophobic comments), but there's life in the old boy yet, and Jared best prepare himself for a cold dish of revenge.


The Situation: The Final Rose
How Dramatic Was It? Look Alli and Danielle were pretty much dead weight and Kelly was just hanging around to provide commentary until there were only serious contenders left. But more pressingly....when did Andi turn into such a dead ringer for Julia Louis Dreyfus?
Who's to Blame? God? Genetics? Larry David?  Is this season over yet?