Week 6, Once Upon a Time

If this show is a fairy tale, then Chris Harrison is its fairy godmother. He makes sure everyone is dressed appropriately for the ball, and refurbishes sooty images (unless, of course, you refuse to say "I love you." What are you, ungrateful? The man's working magic, here!). He makes men feel like princesses and women feel like prostitutes (But, you know, the good kind of prostitutes who get to spurn Jason Alexander and marry Richard Gere). Sure, he favors two-toned shirts and extraneous breast pockets over gossamer wings and tutus, but it doesn't change the fact that the man is making dreams come true.

After so many years on the job, the man is a seasoned pro, but this week he really found both his bibbity and his bobbity severely taxed trying to deal with the aftermath of Kaitlyn's non-godmother sanctioned activities. Fortunately, he came up with, what I think even a killjoy like Maleficent would have to admit is an outstanding idea. If Kaitlyn is regretting having sex with one of the men, why doesn't she just have sex with all of them!?! After all, shouldn't she really level the playing field (Or at least cryogenically freeze a few of her eggs before they all turn into pumpkins. If she can't make this process work for her, well, she's not getting any younger...)?

Look, Kaitlyn's clearly a mess. Not because she slept with Nick, but because she's worked herself into an emotional tizzy that's pretty much invalidating this (already super valid) process and making the show pretty brutal to watch. But the fact that ABC seems to want to make us believe that she needs Chris Harrison to come in and fix everything for her is frankly pretty insulting. And making her quickly dump three guys so she can dive into bed with the rest? It doesn't really seem like the glass slipper she needs.


But since he didn't exactly have his strongest week when it came to his main charge, let's take a look at the other wishes the fairy god-pimp granted behind the scenes this week, when he wasn''t too preoccupied arranging for Kaitlyn to have more sex:

Ben H. - For Ben H., Chris Harrison grants producer management of all ongoing conversations. Ben and Kaitlyn seemed far too relaxed and natural, but don't worry. Chris Harrison has the perfect potion up his sleeve to produce a stilted, awkward, and teary conversation about Shawn. You're welcome, Ben H.

Ben Z. - To Ben Z., he gives the gift of potentially being the next Bachelor. I mean, Chris isn't making any promises or anything. There's a few other strong contenders who are still in the ring. But Kaitlyn could pick Nick or Shawn could have a total melt down. So, maybe this gift of, you know, just sitting tight? Hanging out in the wings in case we need you? Could Chris get you anything while you're waiting? A football, maybe?

It really isn't the same without the sound effects

Chris - Chris Harrison sees what your soul looks like, Chris, and he finds it beautiful. So Chris has lovingly granted you a new home in the lonely Irish hinterlands. After multiple seasons without an abandonment, when J.J. got stranded with only the soon-to-be lifeless body of his cameraman for food, I bet you thought it couldn't also happen to you. But Chris Harrison's magic knows no bounds. All it takes is a quick flick of his pocket square and poof! Now your soul looks like that of a little girl!

Jared -  To Jared, Chris Harrison gives the gift of hotel rooms three. Sure, Jared hasn't gotten to use any of Kaitlyn's suites in the manner of, say, Nick, but he has seen them all. And that's got to count for something. I mean, who isn't a fan of neutral-colored, wholly-unobjectionable art? Not to mention, sitting on other people's stale fluids!

J.J. - For J.J., he grants more time with his beautiful daughter. After all, six is such a precious age, and they change every day so you really don't want to miss a mo.... What's that? You'd rather just be on Bachelor in Paradise? Very well. Done!

Joe - To Joe, he gives a stay of execution. He's not going to make it through next week, but at least for now, he can hang out and be delightful. You know what, this might actually be a gift for us. Can Joe be the next Bachelor? Just so we can all listen to him say things?

BELIEVE!!!

Nick - For Nick, he grants erasure of all video that exposes his web of lies. Chris Harrison noticed that you told Kaitlyn you didn't say your date was intimate when, in fact, you said that exact thing. But don't worry Chris Harrison will take care of it. Or he won't and will choose, instead, to throw you to the wolves at the Men Tell All. We shall see!

Shawn - For Shawn, Chris Harrison grants no wish. Not because Shawn is not deserving, and brave, and kind. He is all those things. How could he conquer the dragons and briers that guard Kaitlyn's hotel room twice in one week were he not noble and true? But Shawn must learn that the power to
grant wishes, like the power to eat and sleep and the power to stick around, truly lies within himself. He hold the key. If he can find a way, in his purest heart, in his his maybe-not entirely-feeble brain, to truly believe.

Tanner - Oh....Tanner...are you still here? Because Chris just did a really nice thing with Shawn and it felt like a really good way to wrap up the post, so...maybe we can all just wait while you quietly slip out the back?