Week 3: The Crazy

I can't wait for the Sound of Music themed date after
the Bachelor research department decides it's just too
hard to wikipedia Andorra.

If I learned one thing about Ben this week, it's that, for some inexplicable reason, he believes that he is "responsible for the emotions and feelings in the house." With all the craziness spewing forth from these ladies' feeling boxes this week this week, this seems like a particularly masochistic point of view, especially when there are so many other potential influences to blame: society, damn millenials with their internets and clever devices, kindergarten teachers who made improper use of frowny face refrigerator magnets, and, of course, our perpetual favorite, the show psychologist whose screening mechanism has to be about as comprehensive as airport security procedures at the Andorran airport (and just in case you bristled at me questioning the Andorran commitment to making sure people arrive at their destinations with unclipped fingernails, Andorra doesn't have an airport. But don't worry. When their tourism bureau makes a plea to ABC to come film the show in the height of avalanche season, they will have three helipads to entice them). But since Ben has offered to take the blame, let's take a look at the insanity that seems to have leeched into the mansion's sauvignon blanc supply this week. Starting with the most self-aware:

Lace:That's right. I said most self-aware. And, yes. I said Lace! I have to admit, I'm a little bit proud of Lace this week. Sure, se could have ridden off into the sunset in a platitude-drawn carriage had the limo been unavailable but she made the choice that was best for her in exiting the competition. She recognized her unhappiness, determined the most likely source, and removed herself from said source's sphere. And I think that's difficult for most people, let alone for an emotionally fragile girl who has a producer constantly whispering in her ear: "Are you unhappy? It must be because you haven't talked to Ben. In fact, by my count, he hasn't even made eye contact with you in four hours, seven minutes, and 45 seconds...44 seconds...45...46...

I can neither confirm or deny the actual
floating of Lauren B's boobs. I most
certainly do not watch that closely.,,
or creepily....

Olivia: Olivia, on the other hand is so self-aware that she doesn't have room to be even remotely aware of anything else. She came into the show with a plan, and you have to respect her commitment to that plan in spite of trivialities like "other people's emotions" or "having toes that are so pudgy that it makes it difficult to walk." Week 3 was body image week for Olivia and there wasn't any room for unbelievably tragic death in the script. But there was plenty of room for her to demonstrate her toddler-level grasp on Theory of Mind (if I'm thinking it about Ben, then he must be thinking it too). And lest you think I'm mocking Olivia's behavior, I'm not. I wish the whole stupid after show was devoted to her play-by-play interpretation of people' non-verbal cues. "When Ben scratched his nose there, it meant he was wondering if I was crafted out of his rib cage because I'm both so perfectly attuned to him and I take his breath away." "When Lauren B's boobs floated in the hot tub, it was a clear indication that she's a witch."

I have to be honest..I have a hard time
believing that anyone who has as many
photos of herself mid-duck face can be
all that emotionally complex...

Jubilee: So...I'm  not convinced that Jubilee is crazy, but she is utterly incapable of communicating her self-awareness to the other girls, so let's take a look at her here. I feel for Jubilee. This show is notoriously unkind to the socially awkward, even more so than to the socially drunk to the point of falling down. So even though her nervousness and lack of comfort seems to me to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of her grave misdeeds, I have no doubt that the other girls will continue to find her "ungrateful," the most serious of flaws. But while I think you can probably all anticipate my reaction to Jubilee's self-proclaimed complexity and multi-layered depth, I still have to give her credit. Because when you've survived the death of your entire family, been adopted as an older child, and returned home from serving in Afghanistan, failure to gush over a helicopter ride really doesn't seem that complex.

Amber: Aaaand now we turn away from the self-aware. Amber went from last week's pity rose to a date rose this week, and clearly the sharp ascent caused her attitude sickness (see what I did there? You should all be praying they don't make a pit stop at Ben's current home in Denver. Elevation-related puns may seem niche, but I have so many of them!) On the one hand, there is a certain amount of credit due for having the audacity to state her case against Jubilee in front of both Jubilee and ben. But on the other hand...she's 30...and a bartender. And while I don't wish to judge her for either of those things, surely more than anyone else in the competition, the combination of those things should give her the life experience necessary to know that just because you make out with a guy doesn't mean he's going to take your word for everything...or indeed even call you again.

Perhaps I'm wrong to blame any of them...playing soccer in
booty shorts would probably make me pretty cranky as well.

The Teeming Hordes: If the first three ladies are responsible for bringing the crazy, then it's really the rest of the pack who are bringing the drama. Okay yes, Olivia and Jubilee are violating the sacred oath of stealing more time when they already have a rose (which I'm sure you all already know begins "O, Great Chris Harrison. We who have come forth to make friends pledge this undying vow..."), but they're not the ones cackling over chubby and/or silicone enhanced portions of other girls' anatomy. They're not confronting girls at rose ceremonies to try and shove their condescending definitions of gratitude down each other's throats. And they're not the ones pretending to take the moral high ground by letting Olivia in on the other's backstabbing behavior (ahem, Jami) or judging the other girls for confronting Jubilee when sitting around saying nasty things behind her back is clearly the more appealing approach (Caila, Jo Jo, and Emily!). In this week's thunder-thigh storm of bad behavior, only a few select ladies were edited out of the fray. Which is why, if there was ever any doubt, I think it's now safe to say we can expect to see non-crazy, drama free Lauren B. still standing at the end.