Week 2, The Guy

50 points to anyone who catches Ben saying something interesting or informative about himself. And that includes this season's contestants who seem unusually prone to interrupting him, as if they are confident that there will be little of merit in what he has to say. But the one thing we do know about Ben is that he wast to get to know people...perhaps because that statement seems to make up at least 50% of the words he says (seriously, has anyone checked him for, say, and Italian to English phrase book or something? Is it possible that there's a school in Indiana teaching only "English for Reality

Still feels just as bad if you position it like this...

Show Contestants" without ever getting to the more traditional, conversational form? Is it sort of messed up that we have a state named Indiana? Should it actually be Native Americana? Or is there some origin story that I just never learned because I hail from a state that misappropriated actual Native American culture rather than the made up sort?) So let's take a look at his plan for just how he intends to go about doing that:

Ben Thanks You for Sharing:
Were you adopted? Great! Do you have kids? Amazing! Are you attracted to Ben? Yes! Thank you for that revelation of clear equal emotional weight! Do you have complex emotional drama stemming from something confusing that may or may not be somehow related to being compared to Roseanne Barr....? Perfect! Or...are you worried because you went an entire week without sharing  single private word? Don't worry! Ben has a rose for that too!

Okay yes...it would be a very
impressive feat if the late Rodney
Dangerfield showed up, but....I didn't
do my googling until the writing was
done!

Ben Wants to Get to Know You and then Relive that Time When He Got to Know You:
There's a certain amount of recapping that's inevitable on this show and, in fact, probably in any new relationship when you're delighted by every moment of new fun. But it's a little bit disconcerting to me that he's launched so whole-heartedly into it on Week 1. It's one thing to relive your afternoon with Kevin Hart (Which was a brilliant ploy by Chris Harrison, to mask the boringness of Ben, by the way. But if they bring in a series of decreasingly famous, but notably chatty celebrities for the rest of the season - Rodney Dangerfield in Singapore! Kathy Griffith in Turks and Caicos! - the jig will most certainly be up), but when he gives Lauren a  picture of where they were sitting when he gave her a picture of the first time he ever gave her a picture, I imagine we will all be far less amused.

Ben Wants Data to Lead Him to the Right Woman:
So, clearly, I'm a data nerd, and the research on compatibility and pheremonal attraction is sound (though the practice of having him do the t-shirt sniff test while they were still physically on the women might not be the best ever example of implementation science), but if he's going to give poor Samantha the boot on the basis of science, there are some additional data points he should probably consider:

The faces on this one...oh, the faces....

    - 9.459: Ben's rating on the Newton-Munn Telekinetic Energy Scale, which measures silent brain waves that can only be transmitted to and interpreted by someone named Olivia.Unfortunately, it is a 4,000 point scale.
   - 2: The number of women Ben is dating being forced to share an identity. Seriously...would it kill ABC to send them on separate dates? Or at least slap a name plate under them every once in a while?
   - 0%: The percent of his ladies who will ultimately feel special if he keeps giving all of them gifts. Though that is coupled with a 300% increase in employment for the ABC gift-givers, so credit for being a job creator!

I think we all can expect Ben to give this to
someone in Week 3.

Ben Wants You to Know that you were the First Place Loser:
It's possible this is paving the way for an amazing Melnickian reversal (which, I didn't watch his season, but can someone please explain to me why he is still being held up as a shining exemplar in the Bachelor firmament? Is executing a taksie-backsie on live TV really a sign of being brave and loyal and true?), but it seems far more likely that he actually thinks he did Amanda and Jubilee a favor by singling them out for a proper chasing of hopes. That being said, he did get a group of women all riled up by the prospect of being Homecoming Queen, so it's possible that he is far more attuned than I to what these women want.

Ben Will Inspire You to Say Things About Yourself that are Actually True!:
I can't actually prove that this has anything to do with Ben, but the fact that it happened twice in one episode is clearly a banner event. I have spent years bemoaning the fact that if you have to say something about yourself, it probably isn't true, all the while calling myself a nonbeliever, falling into the exact same trap myself. And yet, in one single night, these girls, nay these brave, brave ladies show me the error of my ways...you know, at least until next week when one of them calls herself deep.
First this week, we had Lace who has emerged as the most tragic kind of crazy. It is born from old wounds that should have long ago been healed and every bit as self-aware as it is powerless to stop itself. "I'm coming off as crazy" says Lace. And "I know I'm a lot to handle." Lace's crazy just smirks. It's prepared to ensure not only the truth, but the permanence of those statements.
Not nearly as complicated or emotionally moving, but equally perceptive was Emily who said on her science date, "I'm not very smart." Unfortunately, despite her poignance, there's no helpful adage to tell us if that should also be applied to her twin