Winner: Britt
Man, did Britt dominate this episode of probably not entirely scripted TV. She came off as super sympathetic; she got the audience believing that her love story was entirely derailed by Carly; she got in zingy one-liners and mention of her love for inner city kids; and she even won points by quietly but classily defending Kelsey. The fact that she "felt better" in response to Chris' claim that sending her home wasn't prompted by Carly casts further doubt on her claim to have strong feelings for him (real heart break would be devastated by the destruction of the petite, blonde, scapegoat shaped life raft - which Carly would coincidentally likely certified to man), but overall the night was a stunning success for Britt. I'd still be somewhat surprised if she was named Bachelorette, but it doesn't seem totally outside of the realm of possibility anymore. After all, it's not like there are obligatory shower scenes for the ladies.
Loser: Carly
I'm so much sadder about Carly now that I know that she is the sister of Zak, one of the most delightful contestants in Bachelorette history. But let's face it, this week was indisputably rough for the once relatable-seeming girl. She did not come out of the reunion special looking great, and not just because she looked a bit haggard from all the energy she was expending hating Britt. The eye-rolling, defensiveness, and the way in which she had to sit quietly while Britt and Chris discussed her like she wasn't even there were all pretty rough to watch, and I hope she takes that lesson to heart before consenting to appear on any other franchise show.
 |
| Why have you abandoned us, oh great black box of modesty? |
I'm wondering if Kelsey and Britt hired the same person to do spin control because they were just so gently well-spoken, apologetic and measured. My favorite part of the whole episode last night might have been when the audience finally realized that, while they may neither like nor trust Kelsey, they couldn't help but applaud her demonstration of class. I 100% believe she is condescending and arrogant. But she's also clearly smart, and her decision-making showed it.
Loser: Kardashley
Kardashley was pretty much the opposite of Kelsey in almost every way from her constant looks of disgust to her complete lack of contrition. And Kardashley's boobs were pretty much the opposite of the desiccated flesh of an ancient mummy, in part because of their youthfulness but largely because they were so very, very un-covered up!
Kardashley was pretty much the opposite of Kelsey in almost every way from her constant looks of disgust to her complete lack of contrition. And Kardashley's boobs were pretty much the opposite of the desiccated flesh of an ancient mummy, in part because of their youthfulness but largely because they were so very, very un-covered up!
Winner: Jillian
Setting aside her intensity and the fact that Chris Harrison called her "jacked up" (I assume the part where he called her "bro" just got mistakenly edited out), she was her usual hilarious and charming self. She defended Britt with fierce loyalty and called out Carly on some pretty mean-spirited jokes without ever playing the victim. And she continued to not comment on her "former NFL cheerleader" status...ahem, Nikki.
Setting aside her intensity and the fact that Chris Harrison called her "jacked up" (I assume the part where he called her "bro" just got mistakenly edited out), she was her usual hilarious and charming self. She defended Britt with fierce loyalty and called out Carly on some pretty mean-spirited jokes without ever playing the victim. And she continued to not comment on her "former NFL cheerleader" status...ahem, Nikki.
Loser: Samantha
Poor Samantha also continued true to form by only managing to speak once and being rudely interrupted while doing so. Although we at least all finally learned the fun fact that apparently she has a bit of Midwest accent!
Winner: Ashley S.
If the Women Tell All did nothing else, it clarified that, while Ashley S. is obviously an odd individual, her work on the show had to have been the product of a poor reaction between alcohol and drugs. She was so much more coherent on the episode than at any other point during the show. And yet, you gotta kind of respect her for riding it out, for refusing to attribute any of it to the production team or the crushing stress. And you also gotta kinda be amused by her betting pool shenanigans. You have to think if the accounting team wasn't betting on the contestants, they will be now! Overall, how could we not declare Ashley S. a winner when the elusive Chris Harrison is oddly desperate to be her friend!
If the Women Tell All did nothing else, it clarified that, while Ashley S. is obviously an odd individual, her work on the show had to have been the product of a poor reaction between alcohol and drugs. She was so much more coherent on the episode than at any other point during the show. And yet, you gotta kind of respect her for riding it out, for refusing to attribute any of it to the production team or the crushing stress. And you also gotta kinda be amused by her betting pool shenanigans. You have to think if the accounting team wasn't betting on the contestants, they will be now! Overall, how could we not declare Ashley S. a winner when the elusive Chris Harrison is oddly desperate to be her friend!
Loser: Mental Health Care in America
That being said, I cannot suborn the idea of putting her on another reality show that is even more alcohol-centric when it is clearly a serious problem for her mental health and safety.
Winner: Playboy Models Everywhere
Seriously, when have Playboy models ever been billed so sympathetically? I admit to have avoided that whole terrible corner of reality TV, but I imagine anything involving Hugh Hefner couldn't possibly compete with poor sad, sweet Jade.
Loser: Bloggers
Honestly if anything, the Women Tell All made it clear that blogging was a far more regrettable choice than posing naked. These women understandably clung to every word that Chris casually penned and then forcefully threw them in his face.
Honestly if anything, the Women Tell All made it clear that blogging was a far more regrettable choice than posing naked. These women understandably clung to every word that Chris casually penned and then forcefully threw them in his face.
 |
| And I imagine he did the exact same amount of work on his romance novel as he does on the show. |
Because he always wins. Because next year's Women Tell All will feature him handing a contestant, not his pocket square, but a spare hundred dollar bill he just happens to have on him from all the sweet, sweet cash money his romance novel is sure to bring in. Because, come on. He's Chris Harrison.
Loser: Chris Soules
So, despite all odds, I have to admit, I still like Chris. He seems to be a completely decent guy who enjoyed the hell out of this experience without completely losing himself along the way. But, one can't help feeling like he's an early 90's TGIF star who found a magical pair of Oakley's that made all women fall in love with him, and they're just about to get snapped in an epic Kid n' Play dance off. Sure, he's had a magic few weeks with women in shorty overalls hanging on him, and, I would imagine, a hilarious scene with an older librarian "letting down her hair" while he nervously backs into a corner, but those moments are about to come to an end. After all his hemming and hawing, his tripartite confessions of love, it's just really hard to see him coming out of this experience having found true love. But at least he'll come out of it teaching us all a powerful lesson about the importance of being ourselves...
So, despite all odds, I have to admit, I still like Chris. He seems to be a completely decent guy who enjoyed the hell out of this experience without completely losing himself along the way. But, one can't help feeling like he's an early 90's TGIF star who found a magical pair of Oakley's that made all women fall in love with him, and they're just about to get snapped in an epic Kid n' Play dance off. Sure, he's had a magic few weeks with women in shorty overalls hanging on him, and, I would imagine, a hilarious scene with an older librarian "letting down her hair" while he nervously backs into a corner, but those moments are about to come to an end. After all his hemming and hawing, his tripartite confessions of love, it's just really hard to see him coming out of this experience having found true love. But at least he'll come out of it teaching us all a powerful lesson about the importance of being ourselves...
