Week 3, The Girl

Solvang, California which is, no joke, where I was. Can you
 believe Andi and the gang didn't go here? It feels like a missed
opportunity.

I was hoping to knock a few posts out quickly before I made may way to L.A., followed by a little jaunt up the coast to Santa Barbara (Either because I wanted to really get into my roles as commissioner this year by channeling Andi on the Dorfman trail of tears or I had a mildly coincidental wedding to attend). It's small consolation to me that last week's two-episode ordeal is to be followed by a week of nothing because the strain of watching two vaguely action-packed but largely banal sets of dates will surely have me spending the mini hiatus convalescing on my fainting couch (which is, of course, where I write all my blog posts, eat the vast majority of my bon bons, and, of course, concoct all my schemes for all to ensnare the men in my neighborhood who are of adequate fortune and marriageable age). But whether we blame the high dosage week or Andi's actions, I have feelings about this week and they ain't all "anxious" or "nervous" or, you know, good:

- I usually refrain from commenting on date dinners because they tend to be in highly predictable if mildly hilarious locations. I can't say for sure whether overcooked salmon is better pushed around your plate in an enchanted grotto or a bioluminescent cave or an historic and probably haunted pre-Columbian Inn (mostly because, regardless of location, I would eat the damn salmon), but I can say that this week's date with Nick was particularly ridiculous. Don't get me wrong. A courthouse is as inappropriate a place as any to murmur about vaguely before very obviously failing to eat a plate of good, but this was so clearly a telegraphed reminder of "Hey, no matter what happens - let's remember, she's a lawyer" that I can't even treat it with the concerted disinterest I usually feign while wishing I had their food.

- On the one hand, Boyz II Men (which incidentally, were the authors of my first ever compact disc: Boyz II Men II for which the liner notes cleverly replaced the word "to" and all of it's homophones with the sexier Roman Numeral) is so, so much better than this show. On the other hand, any guy who wasn't completely geeking out by their appearance was completely incorrect.

- Nothing made me happier last week than the editors' decision to cut from one of the guys describing the scene as "People hanging out of windows and off o balconies and stuff - it's nuts" straight to a shot of three women sitting calmly and without any sort of ill-advised "hanging" on their deck. Thank you editors. You are forgive your past sins. 

- Andi is apparently planning to take up heavy, heavy smoking some time in the next 50 years.

- I have to say, it also made me feel incredibly happy to see the difference between the WNBA date and that horrible Italian soccer date from Des' season. Alpha males or not, it is a huge testament to this gang's utter lack of Juan Pablo-style machismo that every guy out there knew from the start just how badly they were going to get their asses handed to them.

- Does anyone enjoy the harrowing fear of heights dates? Seriously, is there a focus group somewhere that is telling ABC that all the best love stories involve crippling mental anguish and some sort of heavy-handed trust metaphors (and if so, can I have the members' home addresses? I have a whole stack of magazines just itching to be cut up into threatening letters)?

- Is it just me or is the tragedy just a little too tragic to handle this year? Maybe everything just feels heavier in light of what happened to Eric - and I know it's all ostensibly "real," but between Eric, the death of Ron's friend, and pretty much everything that's ever happened to Dylan, there's been some really rough stuff that I don't think the program is well-equipped to deal with. From Andi seizing Ron's departure as an opportunity to talk about how lucky she is to have people "giving up their lives" to her failure to ask a follow-up when Dylan mentioned his brother's funeral (and seriously, Andi, this is review from last week, but "crazy" is "stop it" part II. Dylan having spent high school with his now lovingly maintained hockey hair in an Andi-style ombre'd mullet would be "crazy." The tragic death of both his siblings is not) to the disappointing and somewhat disgusting tribute to Eric that focused mainly on how Andi feels knowing that she won't get to see him at the Men Tell All, this show just isn't built for real life that's quite so real. I know the show often feels an artificual pressure to escalate the drama from one year to the next (and, while I highly doubt Chris Harrison has recently taken up paraglider tampering, it does occasionally feel like bringing on a contestant-assassin to pick off his competitors one by one is the programs inevitable end), but I sincerely hope they recognize that acceleration needs to be in a weirder not sadder direction unless they want to leave us all behind. 

Week 1, the Draft: Limo 3 Prospect Report

As many of you know, last season, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Chelsie – SP: 480

Attraction (a): 8

Though Chelsie opted for a cheesy entrance, I thinkt he chemistry she generated was real (also the puns she generated. They were fo’ real, fo’ real. There’s nothing quite as gritty as some prop-based word play.). As many of these cheesey gambits as we’ve seen over the years, I think Chelsie’s was more successful than most for the simple reason that she didn’t seem like she was being forced to do it at gunpoint. Confidence (and not inadvertently involving yourself in a hostage situation) is always attractive.

Background (B): 4

I’m a little bit concerned that Chelsie’s personal tragedy is that, at the almost spinster-like age of 24, she still hasn’t found the right guy. She’s very brave to soldier on in life in general, but she’s going to have to dig deeper if she wants to progress.

Domesticatability (D): 6

In the hierarchy of mommy-ness, museum science educator ranks somewhere below teachers. (And actually, I just generally wonder about this. On a show that often features teachers and teacher’s aides or lawyers and paralegals, are there ever weird power dynamics? Work-related revenge fantasies playing out? Networking opportunities resulting in better jobs? Okay, that last one’s a joke. Obviously, none of these people plan to ever work again). Sure, she works with kids all day, but at the end of the day, they go home and she never has to see them again.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 2

Goofy and silly at an adult-ish age border on “willing to host a kids’ TV show in a green screen box by yourself.” And we all know how Steve from Blue’s Clues turned out (What’s that, Wikipedia? He’s in a semi-successful indie band wherein he collaborates with The Flaming Lips? Never mind, Chelsie. Carry on!)

Valerie – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 2

Now had it been Valerie’s attraction to herself, it would have been a solid 10.

Background (B): 5

Valerie’s attraction to goats, on the other hand, would be a zero. Not that you were wondering…

Domesticatability (D): 5

Points for living on a farm – and just think about the delightful mishaps she could have featured on her mommyblog (technically step-mommyblog. Is that a category? And if so is there a raging debate in the community about the merits of poison apples vs., say, contracting out to witches with investment portfolios in the confection cottage real estate industry?) about her move to the big city.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 8

Generally, the girls who threaten to cut a bitch in their interview package are the same ones who are braiding hair and leading the girls in a round of “Make New Friends” by night 3. But since she went home anyway, let’s give Valerie the benefit of the doubt and assume she really was willing to gouge out a few eyeballs (because I am nothing if not generous of spirit.

Elise – SP: 336

Attraction (a): 7

Juan Pablo actually commented on a number of the girls’ smell, including Elise’s, which our old friend science tells us, is generally a pretty good indicator of attraction. We’ll just ignore, for the moment, that our old friend Law and Order: SVU marathon would tell us it was a pretty good indicator of creepiness.

Background (B): 8

Elise was one of the few to drop a personal tragedy right out of the gate. And while I am not 100% behind her approach, I am very sorry for her loss. Additionally, she also claimed to have a lot in common with Juan Pablo, so I can only assume she is an American-born Venezuelan who abandoned her soccer career for an even more illustrious one in reality TV. 

Domesticatability (D): 8

A surprisingly large number of my teacher friends actually don’t want kids, but on the Bachelor, I feel like being an elementary school teacher is basically the equivalent of whispering “I’m ovulating right now.”

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Ashley – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 2

I would never actually claim to be an expert on what men like (nor an expert on sharks. I hear there is a whole week devoted to these majestic beasts, but confess I have never made time to watch), but I’m pretty sure what men don’t like is being condescended to. I know that, like the rest of us, men will put up with a  lot to earn a sticker, but they have to draw the line somewhere!

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 7

Like Elise, Ashley earns points for being a teacher. But unlike Elise, there is a ten tenths of a point deduction for speaking in a bizarre whisper voice that even the most naïve, candy-from-strangers-accepting first graders would find “just a touch serial killer-y.”

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Clare – SP: 6000

Attraction (a): 10

So, I feel like I shouldn’t actually have to write this, but…faking a pregnancy is not cool. It’s not cool when you’re trying to get your Death Metal drummer boyfriend to commit already before he goes on tour; it’s not cool as an April Fool’s Day prank played on your father who just happens to be the Mayor of your small town where the conservative populace has outlawed dancing; and it’s not a cool way to say to the guy you just met that you’re into the fact that he has a kid. So, given that Juan Pablo’s only response to her uncool tomfoolery was to call Clare “gorgeous,” I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume his attraction to her is on the higher end.

Background (B): 10

As much as I hated the pregnancy thing, I might actually be in love with Clare. I don’t want to suggest that Clare is using a video that her late father made to influence the outcome of a reality show, but seriously, if she is, she’s got the potential to be Courtney Robertson levels of great. She has basically hand-delivered what is potentially the most heart-warming and most devastating moment in Bachelor history into ABCs lap and is now waiting with an arched eyebrow as if to say “Your move,” and daring them not to use it. I respect and fear you, Clare. As should we all.

Domesticatability (D): 2

Sorry, Clare. I’m not a mom, but I’ve actually heard that four year olds don’t come in womb size.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 10

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5

Like Lucy, if the ‘Coming Up’ montage is to be believed, Clare is going to hit the craziness sweet spot, albeit in a very different way.  She’s a little bit off-kilter and a little bit desperate, and her possessiveness, jealousy and self-doubt are about to fund the spring collection of Chris Harrison’s fashion line (which, I hear, this year features suspenders and men’s boleros. That Chris Harrison is known for breaking down boundaries).

Episode 7, The Bad - Coming to a Theater Near You in May of 2014: Michael

Now, I don't think that just because Michael went home this week, it means he should miss out on all the fun (by which I mean my fun at his expense). Because if Desiree had let him get that far, Michael would have had to show off his lavishly furnished apartment that no respectable federal prosecutor could possibly afford and confess that he was on the take.

I know that it sounds kind of unlikely, but this pretty much explains everything we know and question about Michael. It's really sort of your classic American tragedy. Just picture Michael: young, fatherless, and crippled by medical bills. With no real hope for his future, for his continued educational development, for someday embarrassing himself on national TV. Then, one day, he's approached by a swarthy rough a tumble type who speaks with some sort of stereotypical accent (so, Mikey T) and offers to make all his dreams come true (I think it's an unspoken rule that this only veers into fan fiction territory if I mention someone's throbbing member, so we should be safe here, right?). All Michael has to do is pledge to spend his career working for the Miami mob.

Fast forward 15 years and Michael's a big shot Federal Prosecutor. He's winning cases, channeling his above average degree of bluster into Grisham-style closing arguments, and just generally living the dream. And all he has to do is just take a little dive once in awhile when a RICO case crosses his desk. Now, I'm no expert on the Miami organized crime scene (I know. It pains me when I fail you guys too), but I'm guessing if they have Michael in their back pocket, they have a few federal judges on the payroll as well. So if Michael fudged his way through law school, if he slept through the class where they covered hearsay and the amount of legal metaphor it's appropriate to infuse into everyday speech - hey, no biggie. The judges can cover for him!

Is Michael a little bit aggressive? Sure! But what would you expect from someone who had spent so much time surrounded by that sort of thing. I'm just sad we won't get to watch Michael stumble through an introduction to his Great "Uncle" Don "The Blazer" Crockett on his hometown date (and even more sad that we won't be treated to a very special Chris Harrison Presents follow-up episode in which Michael struggles to convince Des to into witness protection with him after he turns state's)

.

Episode 7, The Good, The Bad, and The Banal: Chris

Let's be real. I'd be pretty hard pressed to string two sentences together about the non-occurrences that somehow filled 90 minutes on this week's episode. This episode was pure filler, penance we were all forced to pay to find out whose family only gives their blessing with teeth gritted and Chris Harrison standing off camera with a cattle prod, what shocking secrets are left to be revealed, and, I suppose, grudgingly, who gets down on one knee to become the last ever man to make Des cry with saccharine rhyming nonsense.

But if we're being honest with ourselves (which, I think Chris Harrison would advocate, is an essential part of the Bachelor process), we're really all just watching to see the devastating truth that sets Des and, from the
looks of it, all the other men reeling in the penultimate episode. So this week, in an effort to erase the memory of the meaningless hours we whiled away watching Des complain about tropical fruit, we'll focus on what the big secret might be and who, exactly, is hiding it. Though the editors certainly want us to believe it's Drew, we've all been fooled before by their artful work, so I'll devoted a little bit of time to what each of these strong bastions of manhood have festering in their dirty laundry (asides from four week's worth of v-necks marinated in axe body spray).

First up, we'll turn to Chris, the lovable, goofy poet who seems just a few synapses short of those required to generate an evil plot. Years of practice has taught us that the secret is going to be something like lingering feelings for an ex-girlfriend back home or some other unconvincing excuse (I'm sorry - did I say unconvincing excuse?  I meant "job" or "child." It's funny how similar those words are) that they must immediately get back to, but wouldn't it be amazing if, just once, it was something more realistic?  Something equally upsetting, but more banal - more like the issues actual couples face when they're deciding to take the next step on their romantic journey (I'll never forget the words my husband said to me when we decided to take those next steps: "Honey," he said to me. "You're an amazing, amazing person. With that said, why are we paying a collective $3600 per month on rent? Let's try domestic cohabitation in a one bedroom apartment with a sunroom. It seems like the perfect place to find love.")

It always irked me a little bit that we never got to see Emily and Jef have a reasonable conversation about religion, which ostensibly was pretty important to Jef and is a major life decision that you probably shouldn't fake with marionette role play and time spent on the gun range. But here's hoping we get another chance with Des and Chris when he reveals his deepest secret is: insurmountable credit card debt!

Yes, that's right. Chris, like millions of Americans has ruined his credit living a life that's beyond his means. Let's face it. Chris is repeatedly billed as a "former baseball player" and not in the way that Cal Ripkin or Ken Griffey Jr. are "former baseball players" either. We know the guy hangs out in coffee shops all day, probably mooching off the free wifi and trying to think of a word that rhymes with "bill collector." Chris seems like a decent enough guy, so I can't say I'm exactly rooting for him to have a future filled with anxiety and stress, but I still find myself hoping against hopes that we're building toward a conversation that involves Des somberly saying if she ever wants to start her own fashion line, she can't be saddled with that much debt before she sends Chris packing. There'd be a little something refreshing about something so real.

Episode 4, The Girl

It's been another two weeks of The Bachelorette and we're all another two weeks richer from the cutting insights we've been given into Des' character. I know that she's already landed The Bachelorette gig, and has a captive audience of 11-13 guys (or maybe 14. I can probably still count Brandon, right?) vying for her attention, but it really does seem like we're getting less of Desiree than one normally gets out of The Bachelorette. No talk of kids or her burgeoning dentistry career and way less talk about her family's tragic poverty that you think (not that I'm complaining - Manny and Jan's anniversary was, by far, the least boring date of the season). Nevertheless, after combing through my highly detailed notes (boy, do I wish that was another punchy joke), I've gleaned just a few tidbits of information to help us sketch out Des' pretty sketchy character. In no particular order:

She has red-green color blindness

...Albeit an oddly specific form of red-green color blindness that only renders the afflicted incapable of seeing red flags (I'm sure you all remember the date when she tearfully confessed this tragic malady to Sean. If I'm not mistaken, there was a romantic sunset and a private concert by John Smith and the

Generics).

Exhibit 1, Ben
We've already talked about the discomfort Des should feel with Ben's baby mama-cum-best friend. Flag on the play - too many ladies on the field.

Exhibit 2, James

So, I'm not actually convinced that it's that big of a deal that James cheated on his ex-girlfriend freshman year of college. It had to have been close to ten years ago and, if my math is correct, it was a girl he'd been dating since 8th grade, so I might have more reservations if he hadn't cheated on her and had still somehow wound up on the show. If Des were my friend and this were real life, I'd completely advise her to give him a shot. But, it's really not, and she has twelve other guys around with no proven record of cheating (yet). It just doesn't really seem worth the risk. False start, Des. This play is dead.

Exhibit 3, Brad

Brad is gone now, so this really seems like less of an issue, but the speed at which he was dismissed was still cause for concern. He might be the nicest guy in the world and the victim of the tragic-est circumstances, but if a guy tells you that another woman filed a restraining order against him and that he had domestic assault charges filed against him, you don't walk. You run. (Do I dare make a "Rouging the Passer" joke? I think perhaps not).

She's selfless

What's that you say? Selfish is the one where you're too self-absorbed to car about other people's feelings? Then, yep, I meant that one.

Exhibit 1, James

So, Hurricane Sandy was devastating and tragic and even I am not cynical enough to say anything off-color about ABC's choice to put in a lengthy plug for the Red Cross. But James just told Des last week that his dad has what is, all too often, a terminal form of cancer. It seems just a wee bit insensitive to force him to go on a date where he has to spend his energy feeling sad for someone else.

Exhibit 2, The Anniversary Date

There's really no doubt that the decision to donate the Anniversary date wasn't actually made my Desiree and James. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have made it - just that they didn't have to because it had already been choreographed by Chris Harrison's well-manicured hands (and I know what you're thinking - Doesn't Chris Harrison usually feature grand jete's in all his work?  And yes, well-spotted. Yes, he does. But he must have made an exception, just this once). But even if it had been conceived of and executed by Des herself, I'm just not convinced that this gesture was all that nice.

When Des first offered the date, Manny was all in, but you could see Jan thinking, "Really? I just relived my horrible pain for a single night out?...You're not going maybe pay to rebuild my house?  Or at least roll up your sequined sleeves and pitch in for an hour or two?"  And then, once their anniversary started, not only did they keep the cameras rolling, but Des and James kept showing up. All poor Manny and Jan wanted to do was look at their rescued wedding photos (which, I admit, got me a little bit - I'm not made of stone) and bask in each others' love, but instead they had to endure repeated reminders that their special night was all an act of charity from a special lady. And don't even get me started on the Darius Rucker concert that they were allowed to enjoy for a single song before being

ushered out so that Des and James could make out. he fact that Manny's really more of a Hootie and the Blowfish kind of man is simply no excuse for being rude.

Exhibit 3, The Quote

"I mean, I could live on an island with someone I love."

Seriously Des? Is "live on an island" code for "take a vow of poverty"? Did you mean to say "live in a tent"? Because I'm not sure living on an island with someone you care deeply about is considered a great personal sacrifice in large swaths of the world. In fact, if there's a groupon for that, I can probably think of a few couples who might be interested.

She's a psychology buff

Hear me out because this one requires something of a journey (but don't worry - it will be an amazing, amazing journey, and I can't think of anyone better to go on it with me than you):

Exhibit The Only Exhibit - Brad

So, there's this theory in psychology (that I'm sure will sound familiar to those of you who took Psych 101...like, I assume, Des did...) about the misattribution of arousal. And basically, the premise is that people are more likely to find others attractive after they've completed some form of physical activity (or are nervous or scared). After you've finished up a few reps on the, er, machines (did I ruin my gym rat credibility), your heart is racing, your adrenaline is up, and you're already displaying these physical symptoms of attraction due to your recent exertions (so...sorry sorority sisters who used to wake up at 5 am to put make up on before coming to the gym when it opened at 6 - that time probably would have been better spent doing literally anything else). You have to think that Des, already very familiar with this theory (because she definitely doesn't seem like the wearing make up to the gym type...) and very eager to find a connection with Brad, was attempting to misattribute a few things of her own when she dragged the poor guy breathless to the top of the lighthouse. Because she couldn't have just been bringing him up there to tell him she was sending him home, right?  I mean, no one is that big of a dick....right...?