Week 1, the Draft: Limo 3 Prospect Report

As many of you know, last season, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Chelsie – SP: 480

Attraction (a): 8

Though Chelsie opted for a cheesy entrance, I thinkt he chemistry she generated was real (also the puns she generated. They were fo’ real, fo’ real. There’s nothing quite as gritty as some prop-based word play.). As many of these cheesey gambits as we’ve seen over the years, I think Chelsie’s was more successful than most for the simple reason that she didn’t seem like she was being forced to do it at gunpoint. Confidence (and not inadvertently involving yourself in a hostage situation) is always attractive.

Background (B): 4

I’m a little bit concerned that Chelsie’s personal tragedy is that, at the almost spinster-like age of 24, she still hasn’t found the right guy. She’s very brave to soldier on in life in general, but she’s going to have to dig deeper if she wants to progress.

Domesticatability (D): 6

In the hierarchy of mommy-ness, museum science educator ranks somewhere below teachers. (And actually, I just generally wonder about this. On a show that often features teachers and teacher’s aides or lawyers and paralegals, are there ever weird power dynamics? Work-related revenge fantasies playing out? Networking opportunities resulting in better jobs? Okay, that last one’s a joke. Obviously, none of these people plan to ever work again). Sure, she works with kids all day, but at the end of the day, they go home and she never has to see them again.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 2

Goofy and silly at an adult-ish age border on “willing to host a kids’ TV show in a green screen box by yourself.” And we all know how Steve from Blue’s Clues turned out (What’s that, Wikipedia? He’s in a semi-successful indie band wherein he collaborates with The Flaming Lips? Never mind, Chelsie. Carry on!)

Valerie – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 2

Now had it been Valerie’s attraction to herself, it would have been a solid 10.

Background (B): 5

Valerie’s attraction to goats, on the other hand, would be a zero. Not that you were wondering…

Domesticatability (D): 5

Points for living on a farm – and just think about the delightful mishaps she could have featured on her mommyblog (technically step-mommyblog. Is that a category? And if so is there a raging debate in the community about the merits of poison apples vs., say, contracting out to witches with investment portfolios in the confection cottage real estate industry?) about her move to the big city.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 8

Generally, the girls who threaten to cut a bitch in their interview package are the same ones who are braiding hair and leading the girls in a round of “Make New Friends” by night 3. But since she went home anyway, let’s give Valerie the benefit of the doubt and assume she really was willing to gouge out a few eyeballs (because I am nothing if not generous of spirit.

Elise – SP: 336

Attraction (a): 7

Juan Pablo actually commented on a number of the girls’ smell, including Elise’s, which our old friend science tells us, is generally a pretty good indicator of attraction. We’ll just ignore, for the moment, that our old friend Law and Order: SVU marathon would tell us it was a pretty good indicator of creepiness.

Background (B): 8

Elise was one of the few to drop a personal tragedy right out of the gate. And while I am not 100% behind her approach, I am very sorry for her loss. Additionally, she also claimed to have a lot in common with Juan Pablo, so I can only assume she is an American-born Venezuelan who abandoned her soccer career for an even more illustrious one in reality TV. 

Domesticatability (D): 8

A surprisingly large number of my teacher friends actually don’t want kids, but on the Bachelor, I feel like being an elementary school teacher is basically the equivalent of whispering “I’m ovulating right now.”

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Ashley – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 2

I would never actually claim to be an expert on what men like (nor an expert on sharks. I hear there is a whole week devoted to these majestic beasts, but confess I have never made time to watch), but I’m pretty sure what men don’t like is being condescended to. I know that, like the rest of us, men will put up with a  lot to earn a sticker, but they have to draw the line somewhere!

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 7

Like Elise, Ashley earns points for being a teacher. But unlike Elise, there is a ten tenths of a point deduction for speaking in a bizarre whisper voice that even the most naïve, candy-from-strangers-accepting first graders would find “just a touch serial killer-y.”

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Clare – SP: 6000

Attraction (a): 10

So, I feel like I shouldn’t actually have to write this, but…faking a pregnancy is not cool. It’s not cool when you’re trying to get your Death Metal drummer boyfriend to commit already before he goes on tour; it’s not cool as an April Fool’s Day prank played on your father who just happens to be the Mayor of your small town where the conservative populace has outlawed dancing; and it’s not a cool way to say to the guy you just met that you’re into the fact that he has a kid. So, given that Juan Pablo’s only response to her uncool tomfoolery was to call Clare “gorgeous,” I think it’s a pretty safe bet to assume his attraction to her is on the higher end.

Background (B): 10

As much as I hated the pregnancy thing, I might actually be in love with Clare. I don’t want to suggest that Clare is using a video that her late father made to influence the outcome of a reality show, but seriously, if she is, she’s got the potential to be Courtney Robertson levels of great. She has basically hand-delivered what is potentially the most heart-warming and most devastating moment in Bachelor history into ABCs lap and is now waiting with an arched eyebrow as if to say “Your move,” and daring them not to use it. I respect and fear you, Clare. As should we all.

Domesticatability (D): 2

Sorry, Clare. I’m not a mom, but I’ve actually heard that four year olds don’t come in womb size.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 10

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5

Like Lucy, if the ‘Coming Up’ montage is to be believed, Clare is going to hit the craziness sweet spot, albeit in a very different way.  She’s a little bit off-kilter and a little bit desperate, and her possessiveness, jealousy and self-doubt are about to fund the spring collection of Chris Harrison’s fashion line (which, I hear, this year features suspenders and men’s boleros. That Chris Harrison is known for breaking down boundaries).