Day 2, Watching these Women Fight to Stay Relevant for Years to Come

Whether it's book deals; guest spots on other, even trashier reality shows; or just wildly poor choices, we
know that at least a handful of these women will fight to stay relevant for years to come as if appearing on The Bachelor affords them the same kind of celebrity as, say, a child star or Chris Harrison. As this year's ladies were whiling away the hours between dates, munching on leftover pizza and generally bemoaning their fate ("But I wanted to go on the Pretty Woman date! Being compared to a noted, fictionalized prostitute is the best!"), I can only hope they were also busy brainstorming their next career move and all the brilliant strategies they will harness to make us roll our eyes until in about six months we've forgotten why their face and/or name sounds vaguely familiar.

But just in case they were too caught up in the latest issue of U.S. Weekly to remember to plan, I've provided a helpful list of strategies that they can harness:

Rumors of Infidelity (Winners Only):

So, sure, if you win The Bachelor, you can certainly go the route of actually marrying the guy and being pretty much set for life what with the televised wedding (every little girls' dream - to be married surrounded by 24 of your husbands exes along with all the other pretty, skinny girls who have embraced this experiment in polygamy in the past!) and being trotted out each season to dispense canned advice and to judge uncomfortable and poorly conceived competitions on Bachelor Pad. But, you know, then you have to actually marry the guy...

How much better is it to casually flirt with that charming barrista who is either admiring your recently-paid-for-in-full chest or your fashion sense?  How much easier is it to be spotted canoodling with an old flame? How much more fun is it to send the tabloids into a tizzy after rushing to a platonic male friend's house after watching a particularly emotional taxing episode of the series where your betrothed takes another girl rappelling? The answer is much better - easier for you, more fun for us. Please don't make me start believing in this process!

Go on Bachelor Pad:
Remember how last summer Bachelor Pad had to go on hiatus because (I assume) there weren't enough former contestants desperate enough to take part in the affront against human decency that makes our summers worthwhile? You can't let that happen again! How will I feel absolutely terrible about myself and the way I spend my time if you don't step up?

Blame The Bachelor for Societal Ills:
Naturally, this is my favorite approach. This technique is most often used on a personal scale by those who have been made out to be the show's villain, complaining about how the editing team's portrayal of them has crippled their social or professional life. However, I would like to encourage this year's contestants to think bigger and to take former show winner Jesse Csincsak (DeAnna's season) as their example. Jesse was recently interviewed for a Pulitzer-worthy piece of hard-hitting journalism that describes the link between The Bachelorette and steroid use.

"I know that a lot of guys do steroids before they'll go on the show," Csincsak said. "They don't tell you to. They just don't test for it." Really solid point there, Jesse. Do you know what other jobs don't typically test for steroids? The medical profession, engineering, President of the United States. In fact, pretty much every profession that doesn't include some sort of test of athletic merit similarly doesn't test for steroids. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go start juicing. I'm not technically supposed to ever lift anything over 15 pounds, but, you know, my job in the education and research industry doesn't test for it.