Week 3, The Guy

Juan Pablo made some progress this week, taking two girls on dates where they were allowed to both eat and talk (but not talk while eating. The man is trying to set an example for his daughter!). And as he opened up, we learned a little bit more about him (assuming that his mouth is akin to his hips in terms of lie-fulness). Takeaway from this week include:

Juan Pablo doesn't know what the word "fear" means.
A lot of Bachelor commentators have been mocking Juan Pablo's command of the English language, which I have avoided doing thus far as his English is far superior to my Spanish (though, in fairness, somewhat inferior to my Pig Latin). However, this week, it become somewhat apparent that Juan Pablo has not yet obtained mastery of the word "fear." He told Nikki his fear was hurting the women of the show and later told Chelsie his fear was not setting a good example for his daughter. I think, perhaps, the word he was looking for wasn't "fear," but "plan-I-intend-to-execute-shortly."

Juan Pablo is less shallow than other guys:
 So, obviously, he's not. But that certainly what he wants you to believe. The old "showing up to see the girls without their makeup" trick is a Bachelor staple and for a good reason. It allows its bearer to appear to be saying "I appreciate natural beauty and don't expect my woman to work just to please me," while in fact what they're really doing is attempting to determine who is actually the most attractive with all the bells and whistles stripped away (where bells = foundation and whistles = spanx). I'm not saying Juan Pablo likes his ladies with a pound of slap, but his little surprise breakfast was less a demonstration of the value of true beauty and more yet another data point for the complex ranking system he most certainly has running through his head.

Juan Pablo embraces unconventional remedies for nervousness:

Each of us (hopefully barring those of us who are doctors) has at least one gap in our medical understanding. I had a friend in college, for example, who had been trained since childhood to believe that a hot bath was a panacea for all manner of ailments...including sun burn. My own father grew up believing that the only cure for the common cold was to kiss and thereby transmit the sniffles in question to someone else (which...from this point forward, I am going to choose to believe that Chris Harrison also thinks that is the case and the whole Bachelor/ette franchise is actually an overpriced homeopathic remedy he offers to desperate clientele). I myself have been known to prescribe a glass of water for complaints ranging from pounding headaches to mild gout. And clearly, Juan Pablo has a similar foible in that every time a girl expressed some degree of nervousness or anxiety, he offered her a cure that was all too certain not to work. Cassandra's nervous about the date (her first since she was 18. We get it, Cassandra)? Force her to rub up against you for a little bit. Chelsie suffers from a crippling fear of heights? Talk to her about it ad nauseum while making her stand on a precarious-looking ledge hundred of feet in the air. I just can't wait to see what he makes the poor girl do who first confesses to feeling leery around a stampeding hippo or some other savage beast.