Bachelor Pad Audition of the Week: Victoria

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I'm pretty excited about this summer's reboot of Bachelor Pad. So, in anticipation of the show's triumphant return, I'll be scoping out this season's prospects with the Bachelor Pad audition of the week. 

And this week, the obvious choice was Allison (no, I'm just kidding - I actually don't even know who that is). This week, the obvious choice - the only choice - was Victoria. 

Why She'll be Great:

Victoria's booze-fueled meltdown could have easily filled a solid 45 minutes of what is clearly way too long of a show, so her actions really speak for themselves, but I've made some helpful annotations to help the producers make, what I'm sure will be a very difficult decision (mostly likely based on time-tested indicators of success such as SAT scores and, you know, being available and willing). To begin with, Victoria's performance was (allegedly) spurred by no more than a single glass of champagne. That ratings to savings ratio will be very hard to beat. Secondly, Bachelor Pad drunkenness usually manifests itself in the form of getting naked and yukking it up, and while developing new forms of censorship blurcles can be fun, adding an irrationally and really disproportionately sad drunk to the show could really round out the team. And with all of the show's recent diversity issues, can they really afford not to?  Finally, what elevates Victoria from the level of drunk girl that I feel sort of bad for to potential reality TV all-star was her completely inappropriate, but bananas great apology. Blaming being Brazilian for her colossal nuttiness is on par with say, Bernie Madoff blaming being Jewish for his Ponzi Scheme. Sure, they both play on accepted (albeit offensive) ethnic stereotypes, but somehow that fails to make said blame either appropriate or even remotely true. 

Why She Won't Be:

Bachelor Pad is an unpredictable environment (to live in - to watch...not so much. In fact I have a scripted episode of the show locked in a desk drawer in my office that I wrote during last summer's dry spell that I can only assume will, at one point, be followed verbatim). People who were cursed at birth to someday join the cast of Bachelor Pad (obviously after having pricked an unspecified portion of their anatomy on something far more unsavory than a spinning wheel), don't always fulfill their destiny with quite the drama or flair that the evil Chris Fairy-son would have predicted. In fact, Victoria is still possessed of free will and might very well come on Bachelor Pad as part of a quest for redemption acting chaste, sober, and utterly disappointing.

Best Event:

Provided Victoria lives up to her potential, I'd expect her to excel in any evening event that doesn't involve hand-eye coordination, logic, or shame. So, you know, a lot of them. But where I'd really expect Victoria to take the cake is in the Ice Luge Luge (an event I just invented wherein you take a shot from an ice luge then complete an actual luge while, of course, wearing a bikini). The girl has no tolerance, but man is she not afraid of falling off that tiny sled!