As many of you know, last season, I derived a
complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study
of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited
understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated,"
"nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar,
you can revisit my genius here, but
as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does
anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of
the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern
the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's
batch of hopeful prospects.
Below,
I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their
performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your
draft (or almost anything else). For more detail
on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power
(SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C2 +
2C)), see my earlier post.
Kat - SP: 5
Attraction (a): 5
In all
fairness, this almost certainly would be higher, if Juan Pablo didn't envision
poor Kylie's mortified, horrified face every time he looked at Kat. But hey, if
I hadn't gotten the stomach flu in the 8th grade, I'd probably still enjoy a
good Banana Chocolate Chip Muffin. the world is a cruel place.
Background (B): 0
Domesticatability (D): 1
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Although
the likelihood of stabbing Kylie in the neck is probably considerably
higher.
Chantel - SP: 10
Attraction (a): 5
I don't think it's love at
first sight, but he did take a rather long and lingering look at her butt as
she walked away...which, do you think they ask the Bachelor's about their
physical types or do they just assume everyone is into super skinny, super sculpted,
and between 75-90% real. Because in the one million years that this show has
been running, I find it very hard to believe that they have gone 18 for 18 on
men who are opposed to hips.
Background (B): 0
Domesticatability (D): 1
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2
Chantel's
going to rack up some points for crying, but I'm pretty sure those tears will
be shed on the way out the door.
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Victoria - SP: 16
Attraction (a): 8
When
Victoria makes her escape for the Bachelor Mansion's warm boozy escape, Juan
Pablo chases her with "Hmm...another cute one." And all I can think
is, that really sucks
for Kat and Chantel!
Background (B): 1
Victoria
is from Brazil and speaks a little bit of Spanish. And while that's enough
information for me to write some rather elaborate fan fiction (It mattered
not that they spoke different languages. The language of love was the only
translation they would ever need...and it helped that "throbbing
member" was the same in Spanish and Portuguese) it's not much to go on in
general.
Domesticatability (D): 1
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
This
one comes with a huge grain of salt as I pretty much had forgotten about her by
the time I saw the montage and probably attributed all of her appearances to
Andi.
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Lucy - SP: 350
Attraction (a): 5
I'm pretty sure Lucy is
a producer's pick. Juan Pablo's reaction to the whole barefoot thing -
confused
but kind of into it - was far warmer than mine would be. But on the Juan Pablo
Galavis spectrum of emotion "confused but kind of into it" is on the
lower end of things somewhere below "Delighted but also thirsty" and
just above "Aroused but also wondering about the score of the Heat
game."
Background (B): 2
Outside
of her excellent interview, we didn't get too much here. But I can say with
100% certainty that she's not actually a gypsy.
Domesticatability (D): 0
So, I'm
sure it comes as no big shock that I'm not 100% bought in Lucy's "Free
Spirit" Status. Because not only is Lucy saying it
about herself, but she is also plastering it on a banner containing her name,
ago, and other vital stats (which, in the context of reality shows really
should be something like other reality show appearances; orifices out of which
body shots have been taken, and, of course, tattoo-to-diploma ratio). But let's
be honest, here, if a woman says she has no desire to live in a single
location, she's not going to want to help raise your kid.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 7
Lucy's
going to big and then go home, but there's no room in her suitcase to bring her
dignity back with her!
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5
Lucy is
right in the craziness sweet spot. She has nutso villain written all over her,
and she's going to ride the producer's favor to at least one exotic locale.
Seeing as I feel pretty confident that "free spirit" is code for
"aspiring actress" look for Lucy to put up big points early but to
fade down the stretch when she gets kicked off/gets a call from her agent that
her big break (playing the Funny Bone in the Movie version of
"Operation") has finally come through.
Danielle - SP: 18
Attraction (a): 6
Danielle
elicited a rather half-hearted "I'm liking this Limo!" as well, but
you know what? I can't even process the merits of her attractiveness because I
am so incredibly distracted by her entrance. Danielle told Juan Pablo that she
had a present for him that she would give him inside and then we never heard from her again. We'll never
know if she gave him an origami heart, or her virginity, or a macrame potholder
she assembled in prison. It's just irresponsible editing!
Background (B): 0
Who cares! Was it the
board game Pretty Pretty
Princesses that he coveted as
a child? Was it a drugstore Russel Stover sampler that his mother would never
buy him?
Domesticatability (D): 1
Was it
Frankincense? Was is Myrrh? Does Danielle think Juan Pablo might be Jesus?
(Disclaiming: Juan Pablo is almost certainly not Jesus)
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3
Was it
the first gift in a series of gifts? Will gifts 1-4 only become clear when she
presents him with a lock of her hair and a single hand-whittled peg on Week 5?
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Was it
the prized item from her collection of human toenails (the prized item from her
collection of sloth toenails would be far too precious to share)? Nah, they
probably would have shown that.
Lauren S. - SP: 21
Attraction (a): 7
Lauren
S. and I may not have a lot in common. Setting aside the fact that I don't
actually know how to ride a bicycle for a moment (Yes, I know. It's pretty sad.
But if my marriage ever goes South, I have a built in tragedy to air on the
show...you know, besides the whole marriage going South thing...), Lauren rode
up on a self-propelled vehicle weighing somewhere in the neighborhood of 500
pounds, playing a lovely classical song of her own composing all while being
incredibly nervous. And, while she may have hit a sour note or two in there,
not a single drop of sweat graced her incredibly talented brow. Juan Pablo
claimed to like that she was "musical," but I wonder if that really
did her justice. For example (And I'm just spit-balling here - no one in
particular in mind), I wonder if he'd feel the same were he met by a sopping
and smelly girl, fingers slipping off the keys in her sweatiness as she plinked
out the shaky melody line of Heart
and Soul. Can't help thinking it's a little bit more than Lauren's musical
ability...
Background (B): 1
The
fact that she's a composer makes me feel pretty confident she's on her way to
deafness, dying of consumption, and/or on the verge of being murdered by a
hired assassin after one of her many lovers witnesses her performance on the
show.
Domesticatability (D): 0
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 45
Though
due to her job as a composer, her insanity must be measured on a different
scale. This is the Marketing Director or VIP cocktail waitress equivalent of an
8.
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