Week 1, the Draft: Limo 4 Prospect Report

As many of you know, last season, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Alli – SP: 50

Attraction (a): 5

Man, you guys, this Limo is pretty rough. I think they may have felt they needed to incubate Amy J. by surrounding her with four perfectly lovely, but largely uninteresting girls. Amy is either good at soccer or good at purchasing soccer equipment on amazon.com. Juan Pablo neither recoiled at the sight of her nor did he let out a creepy, guttural moan. And…that’s all I got.

Background (B): 1

She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, but then her boyfriend kicked her out in one of the crushing scenes….at least I assume that is her background. That is my understanding as to how nannies are made. (Maggie's edit: I LOVE 'The Nanny' - here, have a pic.)

Domesticatability (D): 10

My rating shocked me too, but as a nanny, Alli’s resume likely features all of the necessary qualifications to be a new stepparent.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Amy J. – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0

Do you remember that time in the last post when Clare showed up with a fake bun in the over (what is commonly known as a “reverse EZ Bake” after the similarly titled toy best known for encouraging children to cook very real baked good in a very fake over). And if you recall (and I hope you do – otherwise you might be suffering from a minor brain injury caused by overexposure to ridiculous tangents), Juan Pablo’s only reaction to this questionable deceit was to marvel over her appearance. Now, Amy here, committed the far less objectionable crime of giving a man she just met a massage. Yes, she coupled the massage with some rather creepy moaning that was almost as unnecessary as the essential oils that are now irretrievably absorbed into Juan Pablo’s suit jacket. But in the grand scheme of messed up things, an uncomfortable massage is like a six-year-old coed t-ball team to the fake pregnancy’s New York Yankees. Had Juan Pablo been feeling things with Amy, sexy moaning and suggestive touching certainly wouldn’t have been so poorly received.

Background (B): 1

Her behavior with Juan Pablo was pretty much indicative of the only thing we know about her life. But I like to envision Amy as some kind of unlicensed spree masseur, terrorizing the people of Apopka, Florida with her sensual yet ultimately anatomically incorrect identification of her victim’s pressure points. When they make the Lifetime movie of her story (Not Without My Essential Oils, obviously), Tiffany Amber Thiessen will play the part of Amy.

Domesticatability (D): 0

I hope nobody’s letting her near children.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 10

It’s entirely possible that Amy just lost a bet, but whatever her reasons, her crazy eyes didn’t let me down!

Renee – SP: 600

Attraction (a): 6

Juan Pablo and Renee had, by far, the most normal conversations of the night. They talked about past relationships and their children just like they were two single parents who had just met. It confused me, and I think it hurt my feelings a little bit too.

Background (B):  10

Domesticatability (D): 10

This one seems pretty self-evident, though you have to think the odds of her picking up and moving are a bit more limited.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 5

I was actually sort of disappointed by the limited Renee action in the ‘Coming Up’ montage. I can only assume she gets caught up in the only talking about her son trap, and she and Juan Pablo never truly “connect.” (Well, I suppose technically I could also assume that my methodology was flawed, but, well, I’m pretty sure that can’t possibly be the case).

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Maggie – SP: 0

Attraction (a): ???

Maggie is Southern. Some other things that are Southern include grits, Zydeco, and Paula Deen. I think I’m better prepared to gauge Juan Pablo’s attraction to each of those things than to Maggie.

Background (B): ???

Maggie has been fishing, at least once in her life. Some other people who have been fishing include Ernest Hemingway, select members of the case of Gilligan’s Island, and my Great Uncle Alvin.

Domesticatability (D): ???

See above.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): ???

Phew. I feel like I just wrote a book report on a book I didn’t read that had to be at least 64 words. You guys, I don’t even have a Great Uncle Alvin.

Kelly – SP: 40

Attraction (a): 5

Did Juan Pablo and Kelly actually interact at any point during the evening? Or is he just super into dogs? Even when Kelly emerged from the limo, they were both so distracted by the poor exploited pup that they really didn’t engage. The dog on the other hand (whose name I refuse to learn on principle), knows how this Game is played. Her lack of interest in Juan Pablo may be what saved Kelly from a night one elimination.

Background (B): 0

Do we have any proof that Kelly actually existed prior to the show? Indeed, there is not. But, you know, she probably did.

Domesticatability (D): 2

Having a dog is pretty much the same as having a kid, right?  No? It’s not?  Well, at least we know Kelly probably remembers to regularly feed an animal other than herself.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 4

If Kelly gets to stay, does her dog get to stay with her? If not, how does the dog get home? Does someone she knows have to come pick it up? She’s from Georgia, so if so, her family must love her a lot. Is it possible that Kelly’s percentage is skewed slightly because she’s a red head and is there for easier to pick out in a crowd?  Yes, it is possible. Please discount her rating accordingly.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Can I start every reflection on Kelly with a question? Yes, yes I can.