As many
of you know, last season, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof
equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics,
and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated,"
"nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar,
you can revisit my genius here, but
as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does
anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of
the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern
the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's
batch of hopeful prospects.
Below,
I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their
performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your
draft (or almost anything else). For more detail
on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power
(SP
= a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C2 + 2C)), see my earlier post.
Lauren H. – SP: 0
Attraction
(a): 2
Lauren
H. was actually in the last limo, but I think I must have blocked her out of my
brain because Lauren H. makes me sad. I’m guessing every fourth season of the
franchise, there’s a contestant who I legitimately just feel really bad for
(because, much like Leap Year, my emotions are cyclical and have something to
do with our rotation around the sun), and this year Lauren H. is definitely
that girl.
Background (B): 5
Domesticatability (D): 5
Though I’m not sure “the man who dumped me had a
kid” is the necessarily the most ringing endorsement.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 10
But only in the way that most of us have been
temporarily a bit crazy after a particularly brutal breakup. Constantly and
uncontrollable talking about your ex, impromptu crying jags, and general
questioning of your self-worth are never attractive qualities when trying to
sell yourself to a potential mate. But seriously, we’ve all been there. We just
opted not to air our crazy on reality TV.
Lacy – SP: 0
Attraction
(a): 2
As I
may have mentioned earlier, opening bits tend to work better if you don’t seem
like you’re reciting the words cut out for you from magazine letters by some
Mafioso after her took your favorite hermit crab (“Please! I’ll do
anything! He doesn’t have his larger shell!”).
I get being nervous, but history tells us “I’m really nervous” is a 93.7% more
effective opening line than stammering “Take two and think of me,” while
assaulting your quarry with a massive pill bottle.
Background (B): 10
Sadly,
we actually knew more about Lacy than the pharmacy she frequents (though, that
was oddly specific – oh my goodness, you guys!
It’s all coming together! The
pharmaceutical company must be holding poor Rangoon hostage after Lacy
discovered some compromising information at her nursing home). She seemed like
a legitimately nice person who has probably drawn considerable, truly admirable
strength from her life and experiences which…you know what, it’s probably
better that she just went home.
Domesticatability (D): 10
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0
Not crazy, but desperate. Now that she’s off the
show, she’s going to have to go with a Liam Neeson style rescue and revenge
plot to retrieve her beloved crab. I both wish her the best of luck and look
forward to the straight-to-DVD release of the movie version of her harrowing
tale.
Alexis – SP: 0
Attraction
(a): 6
Alexis earned a “She’s cute too” before pretty
much disappearing into the ether. Unless of course…
Background (B): 10
Alexis
is actually Lacy’s handler, sent from the pharmaceutical company to make sure
she tows the line. Alexis’ bio says she’s a “communications director,” but I
think we all know what that means. As a
trained assassin, Alexis felt this job was beneath her which is why, when Juan
Pablo approached her she disgruntledly hissed, “Shh. I’m watching my mark,”
instead of commenting on how she was so glad it was him this season as she had been
instructed.
Domesticatability (D): 10
Ironically, Alexis has a soft spot for family and
children. Alexis grew up among the kind but strict nuns of the Franciscan order
after watching her own family get gunned down by a shadowy figure wearing a man
bolero (clearly a very fashion-forward thug) and spent hours in the cloisters
watching the movie Annie. This also explains why she has a soft spot for
Yul Brenner.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 10
She once killed a
man with a raised eyebrow and a tube of Black Honey Lipstick by Clinique, but I’d
probably recommend against calling her crazy to her face.
Kylie – SP: 0
Attraction
(a): 0
Probably
the less said about Kylie, the better. I’m pretty sure that more or less
everyone who goes on the Bachelor
secretly envisions themselves winning the whole thing or becoming the next Bachelorette. Or barring that, at the
very least enjoying some off season jet setting, heavy petting, and all the
free booze they can drink. People steel themselves for hurt feelings, but I
would venture to guess that no one really
thinks they’re going home on night one. If they did, they wouldn’t go on the
show. Kylie didn’t win Juan Pablo’s heart, but it’s possible that her
cautionary tale changed the game forever.
Background (B): 1
We got very
little, but apparently it included all kinds of “picturing her life with Juan
Pablo.” Perhaps her embarrassment should
serve as a warning for all of us previously unaware of the darker side of what
comes from reading The Secret.
Domesticatability (D): 5
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Sharleen – SP: 640
Attraction
(a): 10
Oh,
Sharleen. I can tell already you’re going to break my heart. Look, there’s
nothing I love more than a Bachelor
contestant who takes themselves out of the running. I get that the majority of
people who go on the Bachelor aren’t
really looking for love and it’s more about the paid vacation and the potential
of someday getting a book deal based on little more than your ability to quote
Winnie the Pooh, but it seems like, out of every 25 people who subject themselves
to this bizarre fishbowl environment each season, at least one should reach a
point where they realize they need to leave immediately lest they are forced to
spend even a moment more looking at the Bachelor’s stupid face. This is why I
loved Brooks and the crazy vampire girl from Brad’s season who both bowed out
of the running on their own terms (On a related note, I am pretty psyched that
we don’t have to suffer through Juan Pablo talking about how he was so broken
up about Des as he looks wistfully into the sunset). Unfortunately, despite
Sharleen’s initial hesitance, scenes from the montage make me think she’s going
to come around and eventually be all in on Juan Pablo. I suppose it shouldn’t
really come as a surprise as, if this were an opera, that’s exactly what would
happen. The demure peasant girl meets the rakish duke and at first, she
resists, only to be eventually won over by his cunning schemes and debonair charm.
Only the plus side, her odds of dying from tuberculosis at the end of this show are at least 50% lower. Background (B): 7
We got
a taste of things, but I must know more!
It seems like taking a six week break from an opera company isn’t really
something that you just do (based on the survey opera course I took in college
which, obviously, gave me deep insight into the inner workings of an opera
company). The simple explanation is that her agent failed to get her on The Voice and this was a consolation
prize. But I prefer to imagine she’s on the run after some sort of Aida-themed black swan situation (Black
camel?) Or maybe she got in too deep with the Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft
(The Association for subordinate officials of the head office management of the
Danube steamboat electrical services – I swear, this one’s legit). I look
forward to not learning about any of this and instead being subjected to her
talking about how she didn’t feel pretty in 7th grade.
Domesticatability (D): 1
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 8
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Though if the season
goes down like I think it will, it’s possible that this number will climb.
Andi – SP: 900
Attraction
(a): 10
Honestly,
if I had an 11 in my bag, I’d use it. Juan Pablo was pretty generous with the
compliments all night, but with Andi, he actually seemed flustered.
Background (B): 7
Andi is
a “gang prosecutor,” which, if her package is to be believed, is code for “actress
in a low budget informational video about sexual harassment in the workplace.” Also,
she really, adamantly wants Juan Pablo and America to know that she DOES NOT
read. Maybe reading isn’t super sexy, but it’s a hell of lot more attractive
than acting like you’re not smart when, in fact, you are.
Domesticatability
(D): 2
And, speaking of the movie Taken, can you
imagine if your mom was a federal prosecutor dealing primarily with gang
activity? I’d almost be surprised if her kids didn’t get taken hostage.
Featured
Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 10
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
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