Bachelor Pad Audition of the Week: Victoria

I'm sure it comes as no surprise that I'm pretty excited about this summer's reboot of Bachelor Pad. So, in anticipation of the show's triumphant return, I'll be scoping out this season's prospects with the Bachelor Pad audition of the week. 

And this week, the obvious choice was Allison (no, I'm just kidding - I actually don't even know who that is). This week, the obvious choice - the only choice - was Victoria. 

Why She'll be Great:

Victoria's booze-fueled meltdown could have easily filled a solid 45 minutes of what is clearly way too long of a show, so her actions really speak for themselves, but I've made some helpful annotations to help the producers make, what I'm sure will be a very difficult decision (mostly likely based on time-tested indicators of success such as SAT scores and, you know, being available and willing). To begin with, Victoria's performance was (allegedly) spurred by no more than a single glass of champagne. That ratings to savings ratio will be very hard to beat. Secondly, Bachelor Pad drunkenness usually manifests itself in the form of getting naked and yukking it up, and while developing new forms of censorship blurcles can be fun, adding an irrationally and really disproportionately sad drunk to the show could really round out the team. And with all of the show's recent diversity issues, can they really afford not to?  Finally, what elevates Victoria from the level of drunk girl that I feel sort of bad for to potential reality TV all-star was her completely inappropriate, but bananas great apology. Blaming being Brazilian for her colossal nuttiness is on par with say, Bernie Madoff blaming being Jewish for his Ponzi Scheme. Sure, they both play on accepted (albeit offensive) ethnic stereotypes, but somehow that fails to make said blame either appropriate or even remotely true. 

Why She Won't Be:

Bachelor Pad is an unpredictable environment (to live in - to watch...not so much. In fact I have a scripted episode of the show locked in a desk drawer in my office that I wrote during last summer's dry spell that I can only assume will, at one point, be followed verbatim). People who were cursed at birth to someday join the cast of Bachelor Pad (obviously after having pricked an unspecified portion of their anatomy on something far more unsavory than a spinning wheel), don't always fulfill their destiny with quite the drama or flair that the evil Chris Fairy-son would have predicted. In fact, Victoria is still possessed of free will and might very well come on Bachelor Pad as part of a quest for redemption acting chaste, sober, and utterly disappointing.

Best Event:

Provided Victoria lives up to her potential, I'd expect her to excel in any evening event that doesn't involve hand-eye coordination, logic, or shame. So, you know, a lot of them. But where I'd really expect Victoria to take the cake is in the Ice Luge Luge (an event I just invented wherein you take a shot from an ice luge then complete an actual luge while, of course, wearing a bikini). The girl has no tolerance, but man is she not afraid of falling off that tiny sled!  

Episode 7, The Probable: Brooks

Despite my wild speculating and the footage that makes the secret appear to be Drew's, it's gotta be that Brooks just isn't that into Des, right?  This week's episode had to have been foreshadowing, didn't it?  Not just a pointless exercise in self-hate?

Episode 5, Zornigmuddeldeinmangelslage: Being confused by Something that You Clearly Caused

 A Bachelor/ette staple across the seasons, this word is also sometimes translated as "being angered by something you clearly caused" depending on the region and dialectical differences. I wouldn't characterize Desiree's reaction to Bryden leaving as particularly angry and she certainly wasn't showing any symptoms of heartbreak (this was made abundantly clear by her commentary: "It makes me question the guys I really do like." As opposed to what, Des? The guys mafioso Chris Harrison has threatened to put out a hit on unless you keep them under your protections for another week?), but she did seem pretty confused and it's just not quite clear to me why. She repeatedly lamented that Bryden had come all the way to Germany and questioned why he would do that if his feelings were clear last week. But I can tell you why, Des. We can all tell you why.  He did it because you asked him to.

For me, this brings up some thoughts about the Bachelor/ette dynamic and power. It's clear on these shows that the Bachelor/ette has 97% of the power and has to scramble to present hollow soundbites trying to prove his or her acolytes are sharing more than the remaining 3%. The fact that the power shifts when the show ends - the fact that the Bachelor/ette must ceded the lion's share of the power while he or she desperately tries to reassure his or her intended that all those kisses/that night in the fantasy suite/that blood oath never to go rappelling with anyone else meant nothing - is one of the many, many reasons these relationships so often fail.

When you look at the small handful of these made-for-TV engagements that have succeeded, they tend to be those of Bachelor/ettes who didn't have their traditional share of the power. Ashley Hebert spent her whole season in a self-conscious shame spiral over the fact that she wasn't Emily. Jason Mesnick paid his powerless dues by humiliating himself (wait, should that be humbling himself?....Nah!), and obviously others, on National TV. If Sean Lowe and Catherine work out, it will only be because Sean's misogynistic mentality assures that he would never bestow his betrothed with any share of the power anyway ("Shhh...baby....Don't you worry your pretty little head about me telling AshLee she was the only one for me. Let a man take care of it."), so they can continue true to form.

Unfortunately for Des, I feel like she is falling into the much more common trap of Bachelor/ettes who pay lip service to their vulnerability and to the power they don't have, but ultimately seem to be wielding it all the same. Despite her constant cliches that this show is a two way street, Des continues to seem incredibly disoriented when men don't love or want to sacrifice everything for her. And I would guess this won't be the last time she's confused about something she clearly caused as a result.

Episode 5, Einselheitenplanenmangelhalt: An Elaborate Scheme to Make Your Enemies Pay that takes a Heavy Emotional and Physical Toll on you while Barely Gaining their Notice

"Play me out, boys..."

So, it's sort of hard to muster up some semblance of an explanation for the way that Bryden acted this week and the choices he made. It's not so much that he could have left for home last week but decided it would be fun to toss in two 12 hour plane rides instead (although, more on that later), as it is his immediate decision-making over the course of his exit. Could he really not have spent a single day in Germany? Couldn't he have snagged Des when she was in the midst of one of her many costume changes rather than in the middle of traipsing around the city with Chris? Was he just banking on the fact that there would be no other camera crews in Munich that day? When he asked random German citizens about these camera crew locations, did any of them sassily point to the guys behind him? Did he just want to engage in the local past time of Mengepolkamorderbewauchund (Watching two friends polka like a serial killer laying in wait for his prey in a busy crowd) before he left?

Ultimately, what all these questions come down to is the fact that we don't really know all that much about Bryden.  Sure, he was an Iraq War veteran, but clearly, there must also be something else. I suspect that Bryden and ABC have a past. Maybe he was slated to have his breakout role on One Life to Live when the program was heartlessly slashed from the station's daytime lineup. Maybe he's still grieving for Diane Sawyer's departure from Good Morning America (as if her nightly news anchor-ship can even begin to make amends!).  Maybe he, like everyone else, is still just really upset about what they did to Charlie's Angels. I don't know for sure, because I don't know his life. But I suspect Bryden's curious behavior this week had a little something to do with a misguided revenge plot against this titan of network TV (I know, I'll make them fly me to Germany and then immediately fly me home. That'll show 'em!), and a little less to do with any concerns about his stunted relationship with Des.