It's been another two weeks of The Bachelorette and we're all another two weeks richer from the cutting insights we've been given into Des' character. I know that she's already landed The Bachelorette gig, and has a captive audience of 11-13 guys (or maybe 14. I can probably still count Brandon, right?) vying for her attention, but it really does seem like we're getting less of Desiree than one normally gets out of The Bachelorette. No talk of kids or her burgeoning dentistry career and way less talk about her family's tragic poverty that you think (not that I'm complaining - Manny and Jan's anniversary was, by far, the least boring date of the season). Nevertheless, after combing through my highly detailed notes (boy, do I wish that was another punchy joke), I've gleaned just a few tidbits of information to help us sketch out Des' pretty sketchy character. In no particular order:
She has red-green color blindness
...Albeit an oddly specific form of red-green color blindness that only renders the afflicted incapable of seeing red flags (I'm sure you all remember the date when she tearfully confessed this tragic malady to Sean. If I'm not mistaken, there was a romantic sunset and a private concert by John Smith and the Exhibit 1, Ben
We've already talked about the discomfort Des should feel with Ben's baby mama-cum-best friend. Flag on the play - too many ladies on the field.
Exhibit 2, James
So, I'm not actually convinced that it's that big of a deal that James cheated on his ex-girlfriend freshman year of college. It had to have been close to ten years ago and, if my math is correct, it was a girl he'd been dating since 8th grade, so I might have more reservations if he hadn't cheated on her and had still somehow wound up on the show. If Des were my friend and this were real life, I'd completely advise her to give him a shot. But, it's really not, and she has twelve other guys around with no proven record of cheating (yet). It just doesn't really seem worth the risk. False start, Des. This play is dead.
Exhibit 3, Brad
Brad is gone now, so this really seems like less of an issue, but the speed at which he was dismissed was still cause for concern. He might be the nicest guy in the world and the victim of the tragic-est circumstances, but if a guy tells you that another woman filed a restraining order against him and that he had domestic assault charges filed against him, you don't walk. You run. (Do I dare make a "Rouging the Passer" joke? I think perhaps not).
She's selfless
What's that you say? Selfish is the one where you're too self-absorbed to car about other people's feelings? Then, yep, I meant that one.
Exhibit 1, JamesSo, Hurricane Sandy was devastating and tragic and even I am not cynical enough to say anything off-color about ABC's choice to put in a lengthy plug for the Red Cross. But James just told Des last week that his dad has what is, all too often, a terminal form of cancer. It seems just a wee bit insensitive to force him to go on a date where he has to spend his energy feeling sad for someone else.
Exhibit 2, The Anniversary Date
There's really no doubt that the decision to donate the Anniversary date wasn't actually made my Desiree and James. I'm not saying that they wouldn't have made it - just that they didn't have to because it had already been choreographed by Chris Harrison's well-manicured hands (and I know what you're thinking - Doesn't Chris Harrison usually feature grand jete's in all his work? And yes, well-spotted. Yes, he does. But he must have made an exception, just this once). But even if it had been conceived of and executed by Des herself, I'm just not convinced that this gesture was all that nice.
When Des first offered the date, Manny was all in, but you could see Jan thinking, "Really? I just relived my horrible pain for a single night out?...You're not going maybe pay to rebuild my house? Or at least roll up your sequined sleeves and pitch in for an hour or two?" And then, once their anniversary started, not only did they keep the cameras rolling, but Des and James kept showing up. All poor Manny and Jan wanted to do was look at their rescued wedding photos (which, I admit, got me a little bit - I'm not made of stone) and bask in each others' love, but instead they had to endure repeated reminders that their special night was all an act of charity from a special lady. And don't even get me started on the Darius Rucker concert that they were allowed to enjoy for a single song before being
Exhibit 3, The Quote
"I mean, I could live on an island with someone I love."
Seriously Des? Is "live on an island" code for "take a vow of poverty"? Did you mean to say "live in a tent"? Because I'm not sure living on an island with someone you care deeply about is considered a great personal sacrifice in large swaths of the world. In fact, if there's a groupon for that, I can probably think of a few couples who might be interested.
She's a psychology buff
Hear me out because this one requires something of a journey (but don't worry - it will be an amazing, amazing journey, and I can't think of anyone better to go on it with me than you):
Exhibit The Only Exhibit - Brad
So, there's this theory in psychology (that I'm sure will sound familiar to those of you who took Psych 101...like, I assume, Des did...) about the misattribution of arousal. And basically, the premise is that people are more likely to find others attractive after they've completed some form of physical activity (or are nervous or scared). After you've finished up a few reps on the, er, machines (did I ruin my gym rat credibility), your heart is racing, your adrenaline is up, and you're already displaying these physical symptoms of attraction due to your recent exertions (so...sorry sorority sisters who used to wake up at 5 am to put make up on before coming to the gym when it opened at 6 - that time probably would have been better spent doing literally anything else). You have to think that Des, already very familiar with this theory (because she definitely doesn't seem like the wearing make up to the gym type...) and very eager to find a connection with Brad, was attempting to misattribute a few things of her own when she dragged the poor guy breathless to the top of the lighthouse. Because she couldn't have just been bringing him up there to tell him she was sending him home, right? I mean, no one is that big of a dick....right...?
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