Week 2, The Guys

Disclaimer: No hos were supermanned in the writing of this post

It's a well-documented fact that ABC doesn't actually re-cast each year for The Bachelorette (also a well-documented fact? That I might be a bit hazy on what the word "fact" means). They just dress up the same 25 guys in handsome man masks and trot them out to make the same old choices while representing the same old archetypes. (This also explains the homogeneity of this year's group. The world wide shortage of convincing blonde wigs really has been touching all of our lives). While this week's "Right Reasons" rap video was purportedly designed to stir up drama and get the guys questioning which of their mansion mates' motives were less than pure, it was also the producers' little inside joke, a playful wink at how far they can push things before we all realize that we've seen these men before.

So after some careful sleuthing and a long night spent in the lab with my forensic team analyzing the Soulja Boy video, I feel confident revealing the secret identities of some of this year's eligible bachelors. In no particular order:

Brandon = Kasey (Ali's Season) 

  Though the producers tried to distract us with a banana hammock (and almost succeeded - we had to make copious use of the laboratories eye washer), they got a little cocky when they had Brandon actually play his alter ego in the video. Not only does Brandon look like Kasey, but he also has the same type of excessive vulnerability, the oversharing, the propensity for falling head of heels instead of just putting on foot in front of the other. Here's hoping that Brandon's Minnesota accent gives way to some serious froggy crooning by Episode 4.


Brooks = Arie (Emily's Season)

  I wanted to like Brooks a lot because he seems like a decent human, and we all know he's going to be around for awhile. But he has that same sort of creepy delicacy and gentle masculinity that set my teeth on edge for all of Emily's season. That being said, earning my instant and largely unfounded disapproval is usually the best way to get fast tracked to being the next Bachelor, so Brooks should probably revel in my spite.

Michael G. = Craig (Ali's Season)
  Michael G. is poised to stick around for awhile, and though he may have Des' back, he's getting shunted into the friend zone so fast that he doesn't even have time to object (And speaking of people about whom I could make terrible lawyer jokes, does anybody else remember what Craig also does for a living?)

James = Chris Bukowski (Emily's Season)
 Remember the first couple of weeks of Emily's season when Chris Bukowski seemed like a perfectly nice, if a little intense, guy? (No? You devote your memory banks to more important things like the quadratic equation and your grandmother's birthday? Fair enough. I'm not here to judge). And then about halfway into the season he emerged as this crying, yelling man beast?  Right now, James appears to be a reasonable and friendly guy. He's
 making new bros in the house and fighting on the side of right against the evil Ben. But we've seen the scenes from the upcoming weeks. We know James is just a hop, skip, and a jump (hopefully, even closer. He doesn't strike me as the most aerodynamic of men) from insane.

Kasey = Jeff (Ashley's Season)
 For those of you who don't remember Jeff by name (who already added some spice to my google search history in my quest to conjure it up), he was the guy who wore a mask for the first two episodes of Ashley's season. The man who came on night one with a kind of okay strategy to stand out and then just senselessly stuck to it well past the point of it being an interesting move (see also, Travis, the ostrich egg guy). Once Kasey finally throws out #manbehindthemask, we'll all finally know the score.

Ben = Bentley (Ashley's Season)
  So, so far Ben hasn't actually committed any brilliant acts of villainy on camera, so it's a little hard to elevate him right to Bentley status. But I think he might be able to pass as an older, wiser Bentley - a Bentley who has learned to apologize for or deny his misdeeds rather than pairing them with a disparaging comment about Desiree's hotness and/or an evil laugh. Sure, Ben has seemed well-mannered so far, and, in some ways, actually appears to be more victim than villain. But there's the same snaky sort of charm, the same questionably sincere Cheshire Cat grin, the same rumblings that he might be more into his business than the girl. I just hope he does something truly evil soon because I'm going to be pretty bummed if he turns out to be Tierra

Zak W. = Blakely (Ben's Season)

  After episode one, I would have clearly gone with the obvious Ed reference, but episode two reveaeled something just a little bit different about Zak (for starters, the revelation didn't include nipples). He may be super into his body (and though he has yet to break out a cleavage-y romper, there's still time), but underneath his naked bravado lies a sensitive, vulnerable, and let's face it, probably only-two-episodes-away-from-making-a-Desiree-scrapbook kind of man.

Mikey T. = Amber J. (Ms. Marshall's Home Room)
  I'm sure there have been other contestants just like Mikey T. in the past - contestants so caught up in manufacturing gossip and drama that they forget all about the purpose of the show. But really, Mikey T. reminds me of nothing so much as a catty middle schooler who will invent drama if she can't insinuate herself into the middle of someone else's.

Bryden =....
  Bryden is a veteran and a war hero. He survived a terrible car crash and came out stronger. He forever changed the life of an Iraqi kid. How DARE you suggest that he could be anyone other than the inspiration that he is.

Brad/Brian/Chris/Dan/Drew/Zack K.
 We didn't really get enough from any of these guys to figure out exactly who they are, but based on their quiet week two performance, they're still in the running to be:
   - Catherine (Sean's Season): Virtually non-existent through the first couple of episodes aside from a few off-color comments about beef, Catherine came on strong late in the show to win it all.
  - John "Wolf" (Emily's Season): So adept was he at lurking in the background that John actually made it to the top 6 just because Emily kept forgetting to kick him off.
  - Chris (Ashley's Season): Remember how Chris made it through about four episodes of Ashley's season without ever offering any proof that he could talk? You don't? Yeah, me neither. But count on at least 2-3 of these guys being Chris.