Day 6, Valerie

You know what's a sign that someone's not really a reader? When they say if they were stranded on a desert island they'd bring "a big book, like the Bible or the dictionary, since I had all the time in the world to read."

Next year, I vote they cancel the bachelor and instead film a show where they 25 women step out of the limo only to find themselves on a desert island with only the three possessions they said they would bring in answer to what is easily the best question on the screening questionnaire. 

First girl to resort to using the "flint" they all seemed so eager to bring to light the only firewood available - the Holy Bible - gets the final rose!

Day 7, Lucy

    

........And if Clare here isn't up to the task, then I'm pretty sure Lucy will be queuing up behind her, chomping at the bit to take over as this year's villain. Seriously, I don't want to get too excited here only to be letdown yet again by an annoying but really-not-that-bad Tierra or a surprisingly actually pretty reasonable James, but Lucy's interview leads me to believe that she might have Courtney-like potential.

In the years since Courtney's reign, we've had a series of watered down villains that made me think, indeed, fear, that perhaps Courtney was that once in a lifetime sort of player, the Michael Jordan or the Gordon Bombay (of coaching  preteens and starring in amazing sports movies not of playing hockey, obviously). But maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe Courtney was more like a Roger Bannister and now that she's broken down barriers (also known as "human decency"), we'll get to see her record shattered time after time, as appalling human being after appalling human being assumes the scapegoat's throne.

And if Courtney was Roger Bannister, then Lucy her maybe, just may be Usain Bolt. She hasn't outrun any buses yet (or whatever the metaphorical equivalent would be...maybe stabbing someone in the face?). But in the five sentences that made up her interview, she did manage to slip in that she organized a fully nude dance party, snottily inquire as to why she would ever want to be anyone other than herself, and casually name drop that she and Kate Upton just happen to be best friends. I'm not yet willing to declare her the evilest woman in the world, but if she showed up on night one wearing gold cleats, well, I'd probably be willing to let it slide.

Day 8, Clare

Okay, I'm legitimately pretty excited about Clare. Having seen zero promos, she's definitely my early pick to be either the villain or absolutely nutso (and if we're lucky, maybe both!). 

Now, I assume that Clare, like any savvy reality show contestant is hording her deep personal tragedies so that she can appropriately dole out really the only currency these women bring to the show (either that or she's planning to dive into them Scrooge McDuck-style once she fills her vault). But even her interview hints at more than a little bit of damage. 

Clare talks about how she's never gone on vacation because she's never been in a relationship in which she could go on one and she bemoans how she's not romantic because she's never experienced romance.  She also calls herself "successful."  Not successful. "Successful." The quotation marks are hers, not mine. 

If Clare were just bringing what I envision to be a highly critical and disapproving mother and a whole host of burly, roid-ragey exes as her baggage for the show, I'd say we'd found ourselves a new AshLee, but Clare goes further than that, making me think we've found a Michelle Money-style "nobody understands me" villain rather than a "please save me from my sad, sad life....or else" wack-job. Because when asked who she admires most, Clare answers:

"I admire the nobodies of the world that lead selfless lives."

And if you can insult the people you admire most in the world, then lady, I'd say you have potential to reap all sorts of havoc. 

Day 9, The Return of Old Friends

The reappearance of contestants past to be a growing trend in Bachelor-land, though with Kacie B. last year, it was really more like the return of three old friends....

Day 10, Nikki

See, Sharleen. Take note. Not only does Nikki manage to work in the fact that her parents are still married after 28 loving, blissful, and probably genetic years of marriage (because that's a thing, right?), but she also hints at her love of drunk dancing. Now, I'm just a little bit out of practice in my Petite-Peppy-Blonde-Nurse to English translation, but I'm pretty sure that's code for "Willing to have sex with you." No impressive resume or love of foreign magical realist authors needed, Sharleen. Nikki came to play!

Day 11, Sharleen

Sharleen here has runner-up written all over her. She spells her name in a nutty way, she's from Canada, and she has a career and a reading and movie list that are seemingly out of place among those of the standard Bachelor contestants. Sharleen seems unlikely to be a winner because she admits to not being a risk-taker (a cardinal sin only a few Hail Mary's below having divorced parents on the Bachelor registry), she talks about her mother's strength rather than her parents undying love for each other in the context of who she admires, and she admits to feeling somewhat uncomfortable receiving others' applause (a humble-brag given her job as an opera singer, but she's going to have to emphasize the latter over the former if she wants to meet with much success). Add all this together with the fact that, best as I can tell, she is not now nor has she ever been a model, and it's pretty clear that she's not, in the near future, going to be massively unbalanced by a Neil Lane atrocity weighing down her left hand. But her ethnic ambiguity and the fact that her profile shows an acknowledgement of the existence of grammar has me all set to root for her as the Bachelorette in 2014!

Day 12, The Death of the Spanish Language

For Christmas this year, since you've all been very good, I've gotten you a history lesson. Most scholars believe that the death of Latin can be traced, not to a single catastrophic event, but instead to its slow evolution over time into dialects, eventually morphing into the distinct but related romance languages we know today. However, most scholars are wrong. One brave man, Professor Kristoff Harriseine, has a different theory, and one I think that we can learn much from today. Harriseine posits that the death of Latin can, in fact, be traced back to one brave gladiator's stint in the Coliseum.

Not much is known about gladiator Alexus Michelus, though historians believe him to be a well-built and most likely illiterate man who revolutionized the bloody entertainment by making out with each of his opponents before slitting their throats. Alexus, a native Latin speaker, became quite popular with his opponents, many of whom were foreign, and increasingly, they tried to woo him by speaking his language. And even for a man who came home every night covered in the blood of those he had slain, it was pretty brutal. So horrified was the populace by the atrocious pronunciation, offensive mistakes, and just overall unbearable-ness of it all, that they came together as an empire and vowed never to speak Latin again.

And that's pretty much what's about to happen to Spanish.

Day 13, The Mystery: The Drama

It might not seem like the most natural theme for Christmas Eve, but in many ways, this magical night spent waiting eagerly for presents, blissfully unaware that the giant box with your name on it contains a humidifier or disappointed-scented bath beads is parallel to where we are right now in relation to The Bachelor drama. Because right now, the formulaic, predictable-ness that Chris Harrison will inevitably refer to as "The Most Dramatic Season Ever," still has the potential to be just that. Villains could still be evil rather than just carefully edited and misunderstood. Betrayals could still involve selling state secrets to the Russians rather than refusing to say "Good morning" in the hallway. 

There are two camps of Bachelor viewers: those that believe that the show is a vehicle for true love and want to watch this year's great romance unfold, and those who really just want to make fun of a group of catty girls with raccoon eyes. Believe it or not, I fall somewhere in the middle of the two camps. Yes, I always root for a truly ridiculous, if not super evil, villain, but I never want that person to actually win. And there's nothing worse to me than drama for the sake of drama (well...maybe that episode after hometown dates where there are three pretty generic dates and nobody interacts and there's entirely too much soul-searching for my liking). Which is why, at this point in the year, I am at my most hopeful that we'll get, not only someone truly villainous, but also someone who hopefully brings  own twist. Someone who not only says mean things about the other girls, but also puts rat poison in their coffee (okay, not really - but the show's pressure to escalate each year does make murderous psychopath a likely eventuality). Someone who not only isn't there to make friends, but is in fact there to make nemeses (nemesises?). Someone who is looking for that final rose, not just because it will be a boon to her modeling career, but because it is the last ingredient she needs to design a technically-advanced but massively evil machine that will rid the world of fancy coffee drinks and puppies. I'm not looking to see this girl win, but wouldn't it be nice to have a villain for once whose major crime goes beyond just being the girl who nobody likes. 

Day 14, Amy L

Despite the excess of blue space, I wanted to put Amy L's full bio picture in here because, well, that is a shirt!  (Also, all things being equal, it's a pretty soothing blue),

I know I spend the better portion of this advent calendar mocking the contestant's interview responses, but part of the blame here has to be placed on ABC. They asked some awfully dumb questions. They include probing queries such as "Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?" and "Hot spot clubs or low-key bars?," and questions that there's clearly a right answer to, honesty be damned, like "What do you hope to get out of participating in this show?"

And I appreciate that Amy L., here, treated the interview with all the respect it deserves, answering:
If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it?

With:
Walk up to them...how else?

Full points for sass Amy L., which puts you well out in front of this competition in my book.  However, next time perhaps you can strive for a bit more creativity. Your shirt alone suggests some very intriguing possibilities involving flamenco dancing and matador capes.

Day 15, Chantel

What!?! Someone else's favorite movie is Home Alone 2? How can that possibly be a real thing?

Day 16, Alexis

Alexis, here is an enigma to me because of the mixed signals I'm reading in her interview. On the one hand, she's cited the Bible as her favorite book, which....look, I don't have a problem with people being religious, but the Bible's not exactly an interesting read. There's all kinds of begatings upon begatings, and, while we care deeply about that sort of thing if the un-begat first begat is a Kardashian, when you through in a bunch of Boazes and Malachis and Nebuchadnezzars it loses a little bit of its U.S. Weekly-worth charm. So when you say that the Bible's your favorite book, it's not because you really like reading the Bible. It's because you're signalling that you're religious. It's the equivalent of saying Curious George is your favorite book so that people know you like children, or saying Gravity's Rainbow is your favorite book just to make sure that everyone knows that you're a pretentious dillhole (Clearly, if you wanted to signal you were a pretentious douchebag instead, you would have to go with Finnegan's Wake). There's nothing wrong with her answer and I'm sure it's achieved her intent, it's just the work of a woman who's being a bit crafty with her answers to some very straightforward questions.

On the other hand, other parts of her bio lead me to believe that Alexis doesn't have a manipulative bone in her body and certainly doesn't think she has anything to prove. Because let's face it, no one would admit that Home Alone 2 (or indeed any Macaulay Culkin or other Yuletide hijinks-related sequel) is there favorite movie if they were looking to impress.  

Day 17, Women Forced to Live Up to Impossibly High Standards

So I have to admit that I don't really know much about Juan Pablo's ex, Carla Rodriguez (although clearly I do know her name which, perhaps is already too much). It's possible that she's the most heinous individual in all the world. It's possible that when she and Juan Pablo were dating she secretly had a boyfriend back home. It's possible that her skin only looks so flawless because she drains the life force from puppies. It's possible that she's the creator of Bachelor Pad.

But even if she is the brains behind the rhythmic gymnastics competition, the ice cream sundae relay race, and that horrible Newly Wed-style game where the point is basically just to make everybody feel bad, it's hard to argue one undeniable fact. Carla Rodriguez is a pretty damn beautiful woman.

I know The Bachelor is purportedly about something deeper than beauty. It's about "connections" and "journeys," about "feeling like you're marrying your best friend" and "walking the fine line between pretty slutty but not too slutty." But really, if we're being honest, it doesn't hurt to be hot, and when it comes to being pretty, these ladies have pretty  big  petite and stylish shoes to fill.

Day 18, Christy

Whenever contestants on the show talk about how much they've learned about themselves through the process (nay, Journey!), I always inwardly cringe. It's not that I'm against self-discovery per se, I just think there are healthier ways of achieving it. 

However, Christy here, describes herself as "Loyal, Street Smart, and Always thinking of others before [her]self." And I just can't wait until The Bachelor teaches her which one of those things she actually is.  

Day 19, Lessons in Geography

I've never exactly been much of a geography whiz, so it's no wonder that the program has so much to teach be about geography. It all started when we learned that Scotland was actually in Croatia during Emily's season, and I just haven't stopped learning since.

This years Bachelorettes-to-be, for example, have already taught me that:

- There is a U.S. City named Forty Fort (Okay, I get that it's probably the number 40, followed by the word Fort, but thinking of it as a fun nickname, like "Sporty" Spice or DJ "Jazzy" Jeff is really making me giggle)
- Arizona has a ton of hot air balloons
- You get to be Southern by the Grace of God. Not sure what that means for the rest of us. Did God just choose to ignore us or are we Northern by the Annoyance of God or Norwegian by God's Love of Big Band Music or Scientologist by His Mild Indigestion.

Day 20, Kelly

Apparently, Kelly here's most embarrassing moment was when she was in high school and got super excited about winning Homecoming Queen before realizing they had called another girl who shared her same name.

The only thing I find even remotely surprising about this story is that ABC didn't go out and find another Kelly for this year's season of the show, just to force the poor girl to relive that trauma over and over.

Day 21, Ridiculous Jobs

Juan Pablo really set the bar high on this one, not because he was a soccer player, but because he made it through a whole season in which they only referred to his former occupation. From my understanding, he has a job (some sort of club promoter, I think), but essentially the Bachelor/ette franchise decided that he piqued, that he should only be allowed to live in his glory days as a professional athlete, that perhaps they shouldn't mention that his real career is reality show aspirant....

Anyway, employed or not, Juan Pablo has the pretty standard cadre of occupations to select from this year.  They include:

The Typical
As in any year, Juan Pablo's coterie has its fair share of teachers and nurses, personal trainers and hair stylists, and plenty of sales/accounts/marketing managers/directors/grand poobahs. These girls are a double edged swords as they're more likely to commit to moving if the win they show, but also more likely to leave halfway through the taping on account of, you know, having stuff to do.

The Questionable:
This years questionable jobs range from the possible euphemisms for high price call girls(I'm looking at you Massage Therapist), to those where, while they're likely not hookers, I remain legitimately curious as to what they do all day long. In addition to the "Science Educator" (which - I can probably piece together what she's doing with her time...but why not just say teacher?), this year includes a Mineral Coordinator and a Police Support Specialist. I also have a lot of questions for the Local News Reporter (For example, what percentage of your weekly reports include squirrels trained to water-ski?  Do you have to be high-ranking to cover those dramatic weather events that you know everyone is tuning into, but where you're at significantly higher risk of getting attacked by a palm tree? Or is that more of a low-man on the totem pole sort of job?) and, though I will probably live to regret it after the third episode in which she talks about how inspiring the elderly are, I am currently very intrigued by the Nursing Home Owner.

The Probably Shouldn't Be on this Show
There's always a few of them. And this year, there's an Assistant District Attorney, an Opera Singer, and a Music Composer (not to be confused with all those other kinds of composers...like....I don't know...Mulligatawny soup composers...?) who it just seems like should be off, maybe being good at things and, you know, working?

The Hey, that's not a Real Job
You know who you are "Dog Lover" and "Free Spirit."  I demand honesty! Or at least a peek at your W-2

The One:
Though many of these women are impressive and most of these women are employed, their resumes are all rendered meaningless, when up against the one. The one woman, who like Juan Pablo, has already piqued in her career. Whose past life as an athlete (of sorts...if you squint real hard) will be the one thing that defines her, not just on this season of the Bachelor, but in LIFE. Juan Pablo, look no further, your dream girl, your soul mate, your Former NBA Dancer is here!

Day 22, Amy J

It was a tough battle, but I think Amy J. here is my pick for most crazy-eyed girl of the year! And let me just say, lest you doubt the merit of my metrics, the last girl to win this honor was AshLee from Sean's season, and we all know how that turned out...

Day 23, Andi

So, Andi is my pick for the pithily named Desiree Hartsock Memorial IYHTSIAYTIPNT* award. She's very pretty, is an assistant district attorney, and I'm sure is otherwise accomplished as a human being; however, she goes just a little bit too far in her interview to sell us on her own particular brand of awesome.  

She talks about her world travels, shares that she once convicted a man in 8 minutes (which...I have so many questions about. Did he plead guilty? Does she mean the jury deliberated for 8 minutes before reaching a verdict or was this somehow just an 8 minute trial?  And if it's the latter, doesn't that say more about our broken legal system and overworked public defenders than it does about her personal triumph?  And if it's the former, did the trial include a jazzy dance number a la Richard Gere in Chicago?), and even her bucket list is better than your bucket list because she includes on there visiting EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

All of this could probably be excused were it not for one glaring brag. She calls herself feisty. And while I don't have a problem with feisty-ness in general, much like "I just think differently than other people" or "I'm really funny," that's just a compliment that's much better left to be paid by someone else.

* If you have to say it about yourself then it's probably not true.

Day 24, The Mystery: The Man

What do we really know about Juan Pablo? He's a dad. He speaks Spanish. He has unreasonable expectations about the pronunciation of his name. But outside of that, his appearance on Desiree's season gave us very little to work with in terms of expectations. We go into most seasons with, at the very least, the knowledge that we are dealing with a pretty boring specimen of manhood, but with Juan Pablo, we could literally be dealing with anything. 

 He could have a work shop devoted to intricate rube-goldbergs that he will share only with the most promising of aspirants. He could be subject to an uncomfortable fetish that we never learned about because he was never within 10 yards of Desiree...or her feet. He could have the Bieber fever. We just don't know! 

And in some ways that's sort of magical. It's why I never went looking for my Christmas presents from Santa (also probably the whole Jewish thing came into play...) because sometimes the not-knowing - the thrill of the unknown and the excitement of the potentialities - is almost better than the gift. Envisioning Juan Pablo as a QVC addict or as Gregor the Grey (his alias at the yearly Magic-con he attends), is almost certainly better than the predictable, personality-less cookie cutter bachelor we're most likely going to get. But for now, I'm filled with hope. For now, the mystery allows me to believe!

The Bachelor Advent Calendar

That's right - it's back!  And with it, an image stolen from, what I assume is, the Christmas card of complete strangers! Because what better way to count down the days to what is most likely the next great American pastime (I mean, let's face it. The last few episodes of every season are roughly as boring and as interminable as any baseball game) then by reflecting upon all the delightful eventualities that are sure to come and hopeful predictions that probably will never happen (but a girl can dream!) in this upcoming season of the Bachelor.

I'll be back every day from now until the Bachelor Premier (which is basically just like Christmas if you squint real hard and pretend that Christmas is a celebration of all that is terrible about mankind) to countdown the things I'm looking forward to on this year's season and  hope you'll all join me as we gear up for (what is either vaguely embarrassing or super impressive) our 6th season of the Bachelor/ette Fantasy League!

Episode 9, The Scores

	Ben – 55 +30 (15 x 2) for audience boos +10 for appearing mostly not remorseful +5 for claiming the experience showed him ways to improve himself Bonus: +10 for forcing Des to slip into a state of delusion by claiming that she always believed him to be insincere
	Brandon – 15 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper
	Bryden – 10 +5 for audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Non-Bonus Aside: I'm sort of shocked they didn't make him discuss his untimely departure at all. I mean, he was there, right?
	Dan – 35 +5 for audience applause Bonus: +20 for milking "chance" encounter with Ben's baby mama/best friend +10 for accusing Ben of applying for custody after the show...as if that's a terrible thing
	James – 130 +30 (15 x 2) for audience boos +60 (20 x 3) for audience looks of disbelief +15 for refusing to apologize +10 (5 x 2) for being featured in bloopers Bonus: +5 for misusing the word prosecute instead of persecute...though really some of these points should probably go to Michael +10 for blaming Desiree for his getting kicked off
	Juan Pablo – 75 +20 (5 x 4) for audience applause +10 (5 x 2) for being featured in bloopers Bonus: +15 for likely being the next bachelor given all the never-before-seen footage they showed of him talking about his daughter +20 for apparently making Zak W. fall in love with him +10 for Chris Harrison weirdly implying that his daughter needs a mom...pretty sure she has a mom, Chris
	Kasey – 65 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause  +20 for audience looks of disbelief +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for repeated use of the phrase "wholesome and pure." If Kasey had done better, he would have been so saddened by the Fantasy Suite episode. +10 for blaming Brian for his lack of connection with Des when he clearly should have blamed the hashtags +10 for attempting to play the "can I finish? I let James finish" card. It just never works.
	Michael G. – 5 +5 for audience applause Non-Bonus Applause: Can that possibly be it? No legal puns? No general whiney annoyingness? No Miami Vice themed suit?  I feel like I don't know Michael at all now.
	Mikey T. – 60 +5 for audience applause +20 for audience disbelief +5 for appearing in a blooper Bonus: +20 for blaming Brooks for what went down in the limo.  Thank God you're not like Brooks Mikey! +10 for referencing his US Weekly cover
	Zak W. – 60 +10 (5 x 2) for audience applause +15 for being forced to confess his love at Chris Harrison's behest Bonus: +5 for writing a poem +20 for writing another song +10 for recognizing he comes on too strong. That's half the battle Zak!

Men Tell All Finale Rules:

Crying +10
Earning audience applause +5
Earning audience boos +15
Earning stock footage of concerned audience whispers of disbelief +20
Being described by Chris Harrison as a superlative +10
Confessing feelings you may or may not have been experiencing at Chris Harrison's behest +15
Claiming you were misunderstood +5

Claiming the experience changed you +5

Blaming the editors for how you appeared +10

Making no effort to appear remorseful about your actions +15

Making any kind of pun +5
Using another contestant's words against him +10

Being featured in a blooper +5

Already being in a new relationship +20

Laura's Team (270 Total):

James

Zak W.

Michael G.

Bryden

Kasey

Maggie's Team (240 Total):

Ben

Juan Pablo

Dan

Mikey T.

Brandon

Episode 9, The Men Tell Slightly Less Than All

So, I don't have a ton of things to say about this week's Men Tell All episode. I'm not sure why I always get excited for these give that they're pretty much always the same - a bunch of footage we've already seen interspersed with villains offering half apologies (I'm sorry if you guys thought I was being an asshole....), Chris Harrison employing emotional torture techniques cruel enough to land him on the list of human rights violators, and women who are waaaaay too sincere about their well wishes for the Bachelor(ette). Outside of the new and probably now permanent segment featuring Des receiving sage advice from the 3 dwarves of the Bachelor(ette) (Tanny, Disconcertingly Skinny, and Too-Many-Parts-Plastic-to-Ever-Changey), I think I probably could have written this week's episode, including Dan's desperate, last ditch attempt to distinguish himself from Brad with the whole Ben's Baby Mama deal (and speaking of which, where do we think their son was while she was traipsing around Vegas?  Perhaps...maybe...with Ben?)

So rather than rehashing the same old, same old, here in no particular order are the things that didn't happen in this year's Men Tell All:

They Didn't Convince me that Ben is a Terrible Guy. 

Yes, his parting words in the limo didn't exactly make him the embodiment of the Good Christian Gentleman he claimed to be, but I actually buy that he was pissed after suffering through Des picking the guy who had essentially repeatedly run him down with a hot-tug over the course of the night. (Don't question the mechanics of it - just allow yourselves to give into the mental image of Michael maniacally driving the super slow-moving watercraft). As far as I can tell, Ben remained calm, pleasant, and pretty frustratingly reasonable throughout this whole season. And, while I wouldn't be flabbergasted to learn he went on the show to get publicity for his bar, I have yet to see any evidence. Even Des' whole claim that she knew he was being insincere with her from night one was total b.s. She might not have been that into him, but she needed to be repeatedly hit on the head with James' villainy before she caught up to the group, so I'm just not buying that she was perceptive enough to pick up on Ben's evil vagary. Like me, Des just isn't built for subtle villains.


They Didn't Convince me Des is Going to Wind Up Alone.
I would be floored if she did - or even if she wound up in one of those dating but not yet engaged scenarios they used to allow - because it seems pretty clear that an engagement is going to be even more inadvisable than usual after her frontrunner takes off on her and leaves her with the also-rans. And yet, they've been hitting the Cinderella theme way too hard this season for me to believe that anyone (except for, you know, that one guy) is walking away.

The Didn't Exercise Subtlety when Anointing Juan Pablo Heir to the Bachelor Throne.
I find Chris, Drew, and Brooks equally boring at this point, so I'm not necessarily complaining, but...this is going to happen, right?

They Didn't Convince me that Des was Particularly Genuine or Particularly Real.
They've been hitting these themes pretty hard since Sean's season, and frankly, I've just never seen what it is about Des that makes her more than just a young Katie Holmes clone who thinks far more highly of herself than poor Katie Holmes (although it's hard to say which version's marriage will have ended more predictably...). The only thing that Des really showed off this week was her cattiness when, after declaring herself Stephanie's sister in solidarity during all of the Brian hooplah, she suggested bringing rocks to the Men Tell All for the pair to throw at each other.

They Didn't Convince me to Buy Zak's Album.
Though they did convince me he was a more talented poet than Chris or Des. I'm not saying an angsty 10th grader with an English assignment couldn't have given him a run for his money, but....at least it didn't rhyme.

Des Didn't Return Brandon's Mother's Sobriety Chip
Which, let's face it, in five years is probably the only horrible things I will remember about this horrible season.

Brooks - 20

+5 for a rose
+5 for kissing
Bonus: +5 for making me want to stab myself in the eye with the "finishing each others' sentences" schtick
+5 for having an eagle statue in their home (These points actually come from Jason....I'm not sure why he felt they were so important.  I guess, maybe....patriotism...?)

Chris – 10

+5 for kissing 

+5 for a rose

Drew – 10
+5 for kissing
+5 for a rose

Non-Bonus Aside: As I mentioned previously, Drew deserves NO previous points for saying "I love you" this week after saying "I'm in love with you" last week.  Even though Des actually noticed the distinction, it's just dumb. These aren't different things.

 Zak W. – 50

+5 for kissing
+5 for crying
+10 for giving Des a gift
+15 for confessing his love
Bonus: +5 because his gift was aggressively a ring
+10 for the family song

Episode 8, The Hometown Dates

Just a few housekeeping notes before we launch into the scores generated by the DeLUd°Ed algorithm (S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)). First of all, due to my crazy scheduling, my husband was forced to watch the episode with me this week - let's just say that he's not a convert...but when Zak is ready to learn to love again, Jason's totally on board to help him set up on online dating profile "like a normal person." Secondly, I'm not really going



to cover the return of Desiree's brother this week because it is hard for me to depict him as the villain that ABC so badly wants him to be when every word out of his mouth makes perfect sense. But I do have to say that it demonstrates an astounding degree of arrogance on Des' part that she still blames her brother entirely for her not ending up with Sean (and it doesn't really bode well for the rest of the guys that she's still so pissed about it), and give that she still seems to be clinging to the idea that Sean made a fraternally-fueled mistake....how can Catherine possibly stand to be her friend?

Anyway, onto hometown dates and the families. In many ways, this year's pack was pretty run-of-the-mill. They were warm and welcoming but didn't veer too far into strange overwhelmingness or into loving fun. They spoke in cliches and reserved any less than glowing reviews of Des for later, off camera. It certainly wasn't the best group on which to test the DeLUd°Ed formula, but what can you do? They're the bunch we got.  So here in order of how much damage their families did to their race for the final rose, are this week's men:

Chris = 49
 Chris started out the date strong with his athletic, good-at-everything-ness (which, by the way, Des' brother was not feeling, again showing his excellent sense.  Being good at things really shouldn't be on anyone's top ten list for things they look for in a guy), and with Des completely stealing Zak's sketchbook schtick from last week and presenting it to Chris. But once he took Des home to meet the family, things started to go off the rails:

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

True, it was made clear that Chris' family was pulling the strings in ending his last relationship, but their cold, judgmental vibe made them seem close in the way a politician is close to his blackmailer, not with any kind warmth.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 2
Des flat out asked if Chris was ready to propose and, while Dad give his ringing endorsement to Chris' readiness for a serious relationship, he deftly but noticeably avoided any mention of getting engaged.

Likeability (L): 1
So, I fully admit that I am biased here because I don't like chiropractors. When it comes to backs, I think they're little more than glorified masseuses without a modicum of valid medical evidence to support their craft. But what I hate even more than chiropractors are chiropractors who think their powers extend beyond temporary skeletal-muscular relief. Claiming adjusting Des' back will give her clarity for the next few weeks is utter quackery, but it least it's harmless. However, the chiropractors out there irresponsibly and deplorably schilling cures for autism and eating disorders make even this harmless claim hard to stomach.  Chiropractors aside, though, is there any doubt that the family started picking apart "the new one" the second she was out of the house?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 0
Referencing the facts that The Bachelorette isn't real life and that Des is dating a lot of other guys is considered very poor form.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 8
I suspect Mama Siegfried could have kicked her interrogation into an even higher gear, but never smiling certainly went a long way.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5
Mama Siegfriend may have shed a few tears while claiming she and the family liked Des, but I don't think she ever really sold it, either to the television audience or to the lady herself.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 2
No kids in the family yet, but if Chris wants like 12 of them, you have to think one of his married siblings is working on it.


Zak: 94

Perhaps Zak's date should have been first given that he got sent home, but his family was every bit as charming and adorable as the man himself. There was just nothing they could have done to reverse the course of the inevitable. It was clear that Zak was going home, if not from the end of last week's episode, then from the lackluster greeting Des gave him at the top of the date and by the way she listened to his dream as if he was a particularly annoying two-year-old. Zak's family, though, did everything they could, and I will hope against hope that James' "top four" rule goes into effect here and we get to see them again on Zak's season of The Bachelor (though I fully acknowledge that it's never going to happen - not with at least two hardsomer, blander, invested-er-in-wearing-clothing candidates to choose from).

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 7
 This would have been at a totally respectable "we love of each other, but don't share toothbrushes" 5 if it hadn't been for the singing.  Oh the singing....

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 7

Likeability (L): 10

Again, if we could ignore the singing, I would totally want to be a part of this family!  They were bubbly, but not overbearing.  And my favorite part of this episode was easily the mildly embarrassed but not at all surprised way in which they took the news of Zak's shirtless entrance.  This is a family who knows each other well and loves each other tons, but isn't blind to each other's flaws. Sign me up!

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 8

They did reference that Zak and Des had only known each other for a very short time, but didn't actually seem horrified by the fact.

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 0

This is the one area in which Zak's family, and, in fact, Zak himself could perhaps stand to improve.  At no point during the season has Zak made Des work for anything (I mean, the man got naked on night 1), and his family were perfectly ready to accept her with no questions asked. If the success of Brooks in the past two weeks has shown us anything, it's that Des likes a man to at least play a little hard to get.

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

They were eager in three part harmony for Pete's sake! In fact, this is one of the few times in show history when I actually feel a little bit sad about how disappointed the family is going to be when Zak shows up at home, dejected and alone.

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

There weren't actually any children present as far as I could tell, but did you guys see Zak's sister?  Someone is definitely going to want to procreate with that!

Drew: 260

I think it's always kind of tough for the contestants to bring the bachelor(ette) on a hometown date after they've spent the whole season airing their family's dirty laundry in service of the personal tragedy off that is this show. Drew's family seemed perfectly loving and nice, but Des didn't seems as comfortable with them as she did with, say, Brooks' family, and I wonder if maybe the Kenney family earned her admiration and respect more than they earned her desire to spend all of her holidays with them. That being said, I think Drew may have been shown to his advantage by being with his family, so I certainly don't think any damage was done here.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 5

Though I am always impressed by divorced couples who are able to spend time with each other in amiable social settings.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Likeability (L): 7 

I think the one-on-one with Drew's Dad was the thing that knocked it down from being a 10 because, was it just me or were all of the questions about her chemistry with and attraction to Drew were just a little bit weird? If my father-in-law, whose conversations with me rarely extend beyond hocking and hunting, ever asked me about what first attracted me to my husband, I have no clue what I would say, but I can't imagine it would be anywhere near as coherent (nor, hopefully as appallingly corny) as "his eyes - because I could see his depth and his heart"

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 3

So, they didn't really grill her about her readiness for a relationship with Drew, but I do think the question about angels caught her a little bit off guard. In fact, in general, I was surprised by how little they showed of Des' time spent with Melissa.  Is it too much to hope that this had nothing to do with Des' comfort level with her and was, instead, due to ABC discovering a line of exploitation that even they won't cross?

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 10

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0  

Brooks: 318

As much as I love listening to Des justify why Brooks hasn't told her he loves her yet ("He's holding back because I'm seeing other guys." Is that the only possible explanation, Des?), it's gotten to the point with Brooks where it really seems like they're trying to cushion the blow of his eventual departure.  I've been studiously avoiding spoilers this year, but at this point does it seem possible that there's any other possible outcome besides Brooks confessing he's just not feeling it in a few weeks?  It just seems like the editors are so worried about Bachelor(ette) nation's reaction to what would have been a rather shocking betrayal, and so are easing it in with some rather heavy-handed foreshadowing - Brooks saying he's forgotten about their relationship over the past couple of weeks, Brooks listening to his sister's advice on the couch with little more than ennui - and frankly, I think we all probably could have handled it if they had allowed for just a little bit more of the element of surprise.

Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry (D): 8

I don't think my family has ever attempted anything so cloying as a group hug, much less a group hug that ensnared a relative stranger as its victim.

Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials (e): 10

Brooks' mom is no dummy.  Her claim that she knows Brooks will be "ready when he meets the right person" both alleviates any doubt in Des' mind (who can't possibly imagine a suitor for whom she would not be the right person) while still preventing any future culpability.  Well played, Mama Forester. Well played.

Likeability (L): 10

Although after seeing his family, I can't help thinking if we need to revisit a rather familiar Emily and Jef conversation. Have they talked about the possibility of Des converting to the church of Mormon?

Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process (U): 5

Degree to which They Give the Third Degree (d°): 5

Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family (e): 5

Really, I think the only thing holding Brooks' mom back from giving her whole-hearted endorsement was the fact that she didn't really feel like it was her place. And, don't get me wrong, I'm all for that in life, but it really just isn't the Bachelor(ette) way. 

Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette (d): 0

I'm guessing that there are kids already, but they just couldn't reasonably have all of them together on the show.

Episode 8, The Hometown Recipe for Success

So, circumstances have conspired to keep me from watching the Bachelorette this week, but that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it (cue one of the millions of ethereal covers for the Rolling Stone's Wild Horses). Hometown's have never been my favorite, but I do understand and honor their importance, acknowledgeing that this week has been the turning point for many a bachelor hopeful. With that said (Oh god, it's contagious), I've developed an algorithm to measure hometown date success that can be used both by future bachelor aspirants and by myself when I get around to watching this later in the week, finally freed from the shackles of doing things that people pay me for. I wouldn't recommend applying this analysis to, say, the first time you meet your boyfriend's parents, but in the world of the Bachelor(ette), it's more than just theory. It's fact!

The metrics that make up this algorithm are:

D = the Degree of Uncomfortable Family Chemistry: In real life, we want a man who loves his family, who is close with his mother, who values and respects his dad. But you know, maybe not too close. We don't want a man whose parents pop by to visit in the middle of the night  just to make sure he didn't have that nightmare again; who requires his mother's approval on everything from the outfits he wears to the distribution of his meals across the food pyramid over the course of the day; who calls his mommy during the limo ride home after a bad date and get's "Here we go again," as a response. Not so in Bachelor/ette land where your family traditions, no matter how creepy; your pranks, no matter how clumsy; your wall art depicting professional family photos taken in matching outfits, no matter how numerous (and at what ages) will never set off the earsplitting warning sirens that have caused other girls to flee in terror since you willingly brought your mother to the prom.

e = the Enthusiasm for your Impending Nuptials: It doesn't really matter if you're ready to sign on to a lifetime (specifically, the lifetime of a cricket, which generally lives for about 6 months) or pretending you're heading toward marital bliss or not, if you want any kind of shot at that final rose, the hometown date is where you sell your love of commitment. Have your family tell a story about the time you married your kitten when you were four (a puppy will make for an acceptable substitute if you're simply not cat people, but don't go for anything smaller than a rabbit. No one wants to marry a man whose starter wife was a rodent), or how you used to carry a disconcertingly lifelike doll around and pretend that you were its dad (they can omit the detail that this was in college if you judge it to be best). Whatever you do, don't let even a hint, even a small suggestion that you might not be ready for marriage cross your family's lips. No amount of damage control after the fact will remove the doubt from your beloved's mind. Because trusting a veritable stranger who you just met over your soon-to-be fiance is one of the cornerstones of a successful marriage.

L = Likeability: When and if it comes down to a coin flip between you and another equally bland, similarly chiseled contestant, you better believe that the likeability of your family is going to come into play. And I don't mean the quirky "you love them, so I love them" type of likeability either. The bachelorette will not love you in spite of your family. She's got three other men for whom those kinds of compromises don't need to be made. Your family must be warm and loving, must embrace the main stream, may value their membership in an ethnic enclave or other cultural group, but not in a way that makes the white, all-American bachelorette uncomfortable or requires the regular use of a foreign language. Your family is welcome to embarrass you in the name of building sisterhood with the bachelorette, but they must never embarrass her or make her feel uncomfortable in any way (helpful hints include not looking the bachelorette directly in the eye, making sure they have bottled water and her favorite fat free snacks on hand at all times, and using the word "amazing" no less than three times, but not in excess of 7. Just make sure each family member reads her rider, and you'll be fine).

U = Understanding of the Bachelor(ette) Process: This can be a tricky one because even I who spends an embarrassing number of hours watching and thinking about the Bachelor(ette) don't fully understand the process. Your family must demonstrate full comprehension of the fact that this magical journey you've been on, accompanied by 24 other men, is not only the best way, but maybe the only way to find love in the modern era.

d° = Degree to which They Give the Third Degree: This one's a little bit counter-intuitive, but it's actually to your benefit to encourage your family to subject the bachelorette to some scrutiny when they pull her aside for their not-at-all choreographed chats. If you want her to decided that this is the family of which she wants to be a part, well, you've gotta play a little hard to get! Bear in mind that it is essential that your family walks a fine line, establishing that their impromptu interrogation stems only from their uncomfortable closeness with and mildly upsetting degree of love for you and their deep respect, nay, veneration for the institution of marriage and not from any doubt about her, Chris Harrison's ability as a romantic spirit guide, or, heaven forefend, the process.

E = Eagerness to Welcome the Bachelorette to the Family: Ultimately, once the playing hard to get portion of the evening is through, your family must do everything in their power short of hiring a sky writer (Wait, scratch that. Hire a sky writer. They don't charge by the word, and I hear she likes poetry.  What rhymes with "I've always wanted a daughter"?) to enfold her in the bosom of their familial love. Not surprisingly, a high level of scrutiny (d°) has a multiplier effect on the eventual eagerness with which the bachelorette is met.

d = Degree to which the Future of the Family will Rest upon the Shoulders of the Bachelorette: Again, in real life, it's never a great feeling to have this kind of familial pressure to procreate (I speak from experience here, having married the last remaining male heir who can carry on the family name. Ten years from now when I'm mysteriously beheaded, leaving my 7 daughters motherless, you'll all know who to blame), but in Bachelor(ette) land  this sort of pressure seems inexplicably attractive. If you really can't be an only child for the purposes of the show, then make sure you're curses with no more than an awkward brother who will remain endearingly silent throughout dinner, or a gaggle of spinster sisters who make your lack of bitterness and avoidance of using a "y" to spell the word "women" seem positively entrancing by comparison.

Rate each of these metrics on a 10 point scale, mix it all together using some math and stuff, and you get a foolproof algorithm for S = Success of Hometown Date, or:

S = D+E+L*(U +(d°*E)+D)

Episode 7, The Scores

Kissing, Connections, and Metaphors all around!

	Brooks - 30 +5 for a rose +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection with Des Bonus: +10 for his metaphor about how love is like clouds...foggy and, if you squint real hard it sometimes looks like a rabbit
	Chris – 60 +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose +10 for referencing his connection with Des +10 x 2 for referencing the journey +15 for confessing his love (difficult though it is, I will ignore the fact that he did so in a poem) Bonus: +5 for switching it up and referencing Brook's connection with Des
	Drew – 55 +10 for kissing on a group date +20 for a date rose +15 for confessing his love for Des (note: though Drew claimed that telling Des he's in love with her is not the same as saying "I love you" that is dumb and will ignore that it the future. Bonus: +10 for his metaphor about how love is like racing...we're all just watching it in hopes of a crash.
	Michael G. – 55 Eliminated - Mercifully +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for crying +15 for revealing a personal tragedy Bonus: +10 for calling his mom from the limo +10 for metaphor about how love is like a wild ride...it's fun to talk about later, but it just makes you kind of nauseous at the time
	Zak W. – 45 +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for referencing his connection with Des +5 for a rose +10 for giving Des a gift....of his art Bonus: +10 for metaphor about how love is like racing...something nobody really believes Danica Patrick can do.