Nikki: They Say They've Got It Bad in North Korea by Willie Nelson

Okay, so this isn't actually a real song. But it's a song that I at least imagine would be in the Willie Nelson oeuvre and would go a little something like:
 
  "They say they've got it bad in North Korea,
   If I lived there I wouldn't have to see ya."

Because seriously, being forced to dance when you are not a bad dancer is embarrassing, but it certainly shouldn't constitute the worst ever day of your life. And if it does, well, check out your surroundings and maybe try to have a little perspective. Or, you know, at least try to keep it to yourself?

Kelly:.....

There is no doubt in my mind that Kelly wouldn't actually sing. She would sit in the corner, swill her low-fat cocktail, and make catty comments about everyone else's performance. And I have absolute faith that her comments would be entirely correct. But she wouldn't be a very good hang. 

Elise: The Day the Music Died by Don McLean

It's like 8 minutes long, Elise. Just go home already.

Renee: Wannabe by the Spice Girls

So, for all the energy we all spent loving the Spice Girls, dressing up as them for younger girls' birthday parties (and bemoaning the fact that we always had to be Sporty...no? Just me?) and watching Alan Cumming in the role that would be the crown jewel in his truly brilliant career, I don't really remember devoting nearly enough time to talking about how messed up the song Wannabe really is. 

But this song pretty much defines Renee's role on the show so far. She seems like a truly nice person, but she is so caught up in making sure everyone around her is okay that she's basically sand bagging her own chances. At this point, I don't even think I'd be legitimately surprised to learn she had slipped Juan Pablo an annotated list of the other girls' sexual proclivities (although I would be surprised to learn that anyone on this show is "a real lady").

Chelsie: Summer Lovin' by the Cast of Grease

Because someone always has to sing it. And, you know, because of this:

Cassandra: Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot

And I have a feeling that she would totally rock it with a completely sincere performance that would overcome any of the irony introduced by her teeny, tiny booty. When I first read about Cassandra, I thought she was way too young to be on this show, but she's increasingly showing us that she on the contrary, she is possibly too mature. Sure, she's probably more familiar with the Shrek version of this song than the original, but I'd still love to get the 18-year-old version of Cassandra up in here so we could see her cut loose.

Danielle and Alli: Midnight Train to Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pips

Of course, much as they are only granted camera time when they are talking about one of the other girls, they would naturally only be allowed to sing the part of the Pips.

Andi: Man, I feel Like a Woman by Shania Twain

So, obviously, I have mixed feelings about Andi. In the advent calendar, I complained about her being to conceited about her many accomplishments and now that the season is rolling, I'm wishing that she would take a little bit more pride in who she really must be. In actuality, I should probably stop worrying about any of this and should just stand by Andi in solidarity as we defend our inalienable prerogative to have a little fun.

But alas, I cannot. perhaps sisterhood just isn't for me. Because for as much as I focus on the extent to which Sharleen is too smart for Juan Pablo, Andi has to be even smarter. She made it through law school, got what seems to be a pretty impressive job, and once convicted a man in six minutes (which clearly means she must be smarter than me as I still have many questions as to what this even means). So girlfriend (Can I call you girlfriend? We're talking Shania, here, so I'm pretty sure I can) don't waste your time trying to convince us that you don't read. Don't make a fuss because you "get" Juan Pablo's sense of humor (which, by the way, Juan Pablo, "getting it" and "not being impressed by it" may look very similar, but they're far from the same thing). It is possible to be totally crazy, to forget you're a lady, to don men's shirts and pair them with short skirts (by the way, seriously, brain? You sure you don't want to use that space where you're housing these lyrics for state capitals or the order of the presidents or something?) and to still be smart.

Juan Pablo: I Am the Best by 2NE1

Because clearly, this song is his jam.  Plus, he had to have slept with at least three of those poor girls, right?

Lauren: The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss) by Betty Everett

There are just so, so many things wrong with what happened to poor Lauren this week, starting with, why do all the girls know who's kissed Juan Pablo?  I mean, I'm sure that there's chatter about it on every season and you don't want to be too cagey about things lest you get branded as unfriendly and become the villain who everyone hates, but seriously, this sounded a bit extreme. They knew order, they knew dates. It was almost as if they had created a heat map or some other complex tracking system to delineate each girls' activities.....it was almost as if they had become me.

More importantly, though, Juan Pablo's whole "not wanting to set a bad example for Camila" thing remains such complete and utter bullshit that it makes him massively unpalatable as a human being. And his inconsistency and lack of follow-through about the kissing isn't just a bad example. It's bad parenting. And if Lauren has any sense of self-worth, then she shouldn't be going home embarrassed that she tried to kiss him. She should be embarrassed that she tried to kiss him.

Kat: Like a Prayer by Madonna

When I was in college, this used to be my least favorite party song (replacing the long-standing hold bar mitzvah and wedding favorite Celebrate had on my anti-heart) for the simple fact that every time it was played a gaggle of girls would insist on getting down on their knees at Madonna's command in gratuitous simulation of blow jobs.  While I certainly understand being intimidated by Madge's impressive if upsettingly sinewy physique, I suspect that the motivation to execute her command stemmed from something other than fear. Kat's pretty much the Bachelor equivalent of that overtly sexual dance move, and (really depressingly) the other girls seem to be the equivalent of crotchety, judgmental me. 

However, I can't be fully mad at Kat for the choices she makes. Unlike Nikki and Clare and the myriad other girls who seem to have no familiarity with the premise of this 15-year old show every time they open their mouths to kvetch, Kat understands how the game is played. I don't need the backup dancers in my life clamoring for everyone's attention as they use their body language to oh so subtly promise sex, but I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo and I differ on a lot of our life goals. 

Clare: Daddy's Little Girl by the Mills Brothers

There are a lot of choices that could be made for Clare, here. Patsy Cline's Crazy certainly springs to mind as she is so obviously and delightfully nuts. Or something aggressive like Heart's Barracuda could be a great fit as a marker of her wildly misguided possessiveness. But in addition to being a defining anthem that reveals what is truly in your heart, a karaoke song must be chosen by its singer (unless you fall in with the wrong crowd and find yourself in a deadly game of Karaoke Roulette), and Clare very clearly doesn't realize that she is any of those things.

But what Clare does realize and what she has repeatedly set out to prove is that she is looking for a man just like her Daddy. Songs about undying love between fathers and daughters tend to be a little...intense. When I was planning my wedding, picking a song for the father-daughter dance was far and away one of the hardest tasks. Definitely, this was in large part because my recently retired father pretty much took care of everything else - including my accessories for the day - but also certainly, it was in large part because every song written about fathers and daughters is either unpalatably saccharine or wildly uncomfortable to listen to on a day when you've just vowed to spend the rest of your life with another man.

Look, I know Clare's father passed away, and I don't begrudge her a moment of her grief or missing him regardless of how long it's been. But his current state of animation notwithstanding, regardless of how wonderful he was or the teachers of Freud and the ancient Greeks, it is just a little creepy to tell a guy that you are currently dating that you are looking for a man who's just like dear old dad.

Sharleen: Your Sex is On Fire by Kings of Leon

Because not only do I believe that Sharleen is cool enough and classy enough to pick a song that doesn't show off her musical chops, but because, at this point....she's gotta just be sticking around for the fantasy suite, right?

And this is what she shall wear...

Week 4, Karaoke Songs

If there's one thing the Bachelor does well, it's cultural misappropriation (note, Chris Harrison, I did not say designing shirts). And this week's episode was virtually littered with misunderstandings about what constitutes Korean culture (I'm looking at you Clare "I don't even own a kimono" Crawley). But Karaoke was not one of these things. Because, while Karaoke comes from the Japanese for empty orchestra (eerily appropriate for women with so little substance), it is the Koreans who have truly gotten it right. Korean Karaoke or "Nori Bang" combines the traditional background music and hilariously emotional videos that may or may not correspond to the actual lyrics of the songs (But truly make you wonder how we ever listened to Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark without the accompanying image of a sobbing girl cradling her cellphone like a baby) with a private room so that you are only subjected to the torturous vocal stylings of yourself and your friends. No more drunken frat boys slurring their way through Journey; no more ton deag crop tops grinding up against the mic stand to Spice Girls' 2 Become 1 as somewhere Victoria Beckham is seized with the sudden and inexplicable desire to call the girls and break up the band again; no more diva wannabes trying to start Elvis-like rumors that Whitney Houston still lives. Just you, your friends, and a video of a gangly Korean teen, combing his hair on loop to the entire Cyndi Lauper catalog.

And for that reason, we will take a break this week from the probing psychological portrait that I have been painting of Juan Pablo (clearly, the fantasy league is just a front for my audition to be an FBI profiler) and focus instead on the girls by examining what each lovely lady's karaoke song would be. Everyone has a karaoke song and, much like a spirit animal, it is deeply personal and highly revelatory (unless it's a son that they just sound really good singing, in which case - Get out of my karaoke room, Whitney Houston lady! No one gets discovered at a karaoke bar). For example, my personal song is I Think We're Alone Now (The Tiffany version, obviously - not the Tommy James and the Shondells original) which speaks to my nearly indestructible 80's roots, my deep-seated issues with authority, and that time I ran away with a circus performer for a hasty, yet passion-fueled elopement. So as the week winds down, I will reveal, what I believe to be, the karaoke songs for each girl on the show and analyze what that choice (you know, the one they didn't make) says about them as a person.

Week 3, The Scores

	Alli – 5 +5 for a rose
	Andi – 25 +10 for kissing on a group date +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for tattling on Clare to Sharleen
	Cassandra – 60 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing her "connection" with Juan Pablo +20 for a date rose Bonus: +10 for making her date into a metaphor for love
	Chelsie – 45 +10 for facing a fear +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +20 for a date rose +10 for being treated to a concert by someone I've never heard of
	Christy – 5 Eliminated +5 for crying
	Clare – 35 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for crying +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for saying "It feels empty when you give and give and give..." Clare, what exactly have you given?
	Danielle – 20 +15 for revealing...again, not a personal tragedy, but a personal change in your life +5 for a rose
	Elise – 40 +15 for sharing a personal tragedy (albeit not with Juan Pablo) +10 for referencing her connection with Juan Pablo +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for nonstop bitching about Chelsie
	Kat – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for having her crotch up against Juan Pablo's head for an hour (or however Kelly judgmentally phrased it)
	Kelly – 30 +5 for a rose Bonus: +25 for just a bevvy of awful judgmental-ness beginning with "trying too hard" and ending with "whore."
	Lauren – 5 +5 for a rose
	Lucy – 0 Eliminated
	Nikki – 45 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +10 for referencing her connection with Juan Pablo +20 for a date rose
	Renee – 20 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: At this point, Renee's the girl who I'm rooting for to go home immediately because she just seems so normal and nice and undeserving of this franchise's terribleness.
	Sharleen – 55 +5 for crying +20 for kissing in front of the other girls...twice +10 for referencing her connection to Juan Pablo...oh, how the tables have turned Sharleen! +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for identifying each time Juan Pablo says something nice about her with "that's a compliment." Excellent positive reinforcement Sharleen +10 for saying that other girls are different when the cameras are on...well on her way to questioning if people are here for the right reasons!

Bachelor Pad Audition of the Week: Kelly

Why She'll be Great:
  Look, when Kelly gets home, she's already going to have a creamy, 100 thread-count invitation, hand-embossed with Chris Harrison's coat-of-arms (a hunter green stag silhouetted against a background made of slate grey manliness) to join this summer's Bachelor Pad (interesting, the similarities between this process and a junior cotillion) waiting for her. She's the classic Jacklyn or Nick-type player who forges virtually no connection with the Bachelor (which - seriously - connections are about as hard to come by on this show as information on Jesus and his plans for and attitude toward saving you on the sidewalk outside virtually any metro), but parlays a few acerbic sound bites into a Bachelor Pad career that will live in infamy. It takes a special kind of lady to accuse another girl of trying too hard after she, herself literally hides behind her hands rather than let a man see her with no makeup, to call a girl a whore for riding on the shoulders of a guy who is actually dating 16 other girls. But Kelly is just that kind of special which is why I think we're all pretty excited to see her on Bachelor Pad, Season 4.

Why She Won't Be:
If Kelly goes on Bachelor Pad, there's pretty much no way she'll make it through without something terrible happening to Molly. Either someone will give the poor pup tequila shots or she'll undergo a dramatic spaniel breakdown after learning Chris Bukowski it hooking up with both her and Kelly.

Best Event:
Kelly learned us all this week that she is not athletic (Gotta love girls who say "Look at me. Do I look athletic?" and really mean., "Look at me - because I'm super skinny." And by "love," I mean burst a blood vessel in my cornea after over-vigorous eye rolling at), but she's sure to prove her mettle on any event that involves a test of wit. I'm thinking a Bachelor Pad-style biathlon that includes roller-cross-country skiing between pool-adjacent planters while firing verbal word volleys at vulnerable human targets with her truth gun.

Week 3, The Guy

Juan Pablo made some progress this week, taking two girls on dates where they were allowed to both eat and talk (but not talk while eating. The man is trying to set an example for his daughter!). And as he opened up, we learned a little bit more about him (assuming that his mouth is akin to his hips in terms of lie-fulness). Takeaway from this week include:

Juan Pablo doesn't know what the word "fear" means.
A lot of Bachelor commentators have been mocking Juan Pablo's command of the English language, which I have avoided doing thus far as his English is far superior to my Spanish (though, in fairness, somewhat inferior to my Pig Latin). However, this week, it become somewhat apparent that Juan Pablo has not yet obtained mastery of the word "fear." He told Nikki his fear was hurting the women of the show and later told Chelsie his fear was not setting a good example for his daughter. I think, perhaps, the word he was looking for wasn't "fear," but "plan-I-intend-to-execute-shortly."

Juan Pablo is less shallow than other guys:
 So, obviously, he's not. But that certainly what he wants you to believe. The old "showing up to see the girls without their makeup" trick is a Bachelor staple and for a good reason. It allows its bearer to appear to be saying "I appreciate natural beauty and don't expect my woman to work just to please me," while in fact what they're really doing is attempting to determine who is actually the most attractive with all the bells and whistles stripped away (where bells = foundation and whistles = spanx). I'm not saying Juan Pablo likes his ladies with a pound of slap, but his little surprise breakfast was less a demonstration of the value of true beauty and more yet another data point for the complex ranking system he most certainly has running through his head.

Juan Pablo embraces unconventional remedies for nervousness:

Each of us (hopefully barring those of us who are doctors) has at least one gap in our medical understanding. I had a friend in college, for example, who had been trained since childhood to believe that a hot bath was a panacea for all manner of ailments...including sun burn. My own father grew up believing that the only cure for the common cold was to kiss and thereby transmit the sniffles in question to someone else (which...from this point forward, I am going to choose to believe that Chris Harrison also thinks that is the case and the whole Bachelor/ette franchise is actually an overpriced homeopathic remedy he offers to desperate clientele). I myself have been known to prescribe a glass of water for complaints ranging from pounding headaches to mild gout. And clearly, Juan Pablo has a similar foible in that every time a girl expressed some degree of nervousness or anxiety, he offered her a cure that was all too certain not to work. Cassandra's nervous about the date (her first since she was 18. We get it, Cassandra)? Force her to rub up against you for a little bit. Chelsie suffers from a crippling fear of heights? Talk to her about it ad nauseum while making her stand on a precarious-looking ledge hundred of feet in the air. I just can't wait to see what he makes the poor girl do who first confesses to feeling leery around a stampeding hippo or some other savage beast.

Week 2, The Scores

	Alli – 5 +5 for a rose
	Amy – 28 Eliminated +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +3 for really, almost, I can’t quite tell if she is or not crying Bonus: +10 for the most awkward interaction in Bachelor history since poor, misguided Jamie straddled Ben
	Andi – 25 +5 for a Rose +10 for semi-unintentional nudity Bonus: +10 for deludedly believing that getting naked with two hot girls was “outside of Juan Pablo’s comfort zone.” It pretty much is his entire comfort zone
	Cassandra – 50 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +5 for crying +10 for revealing a personal…not tragedy obviously…let’s just say for revealing she has a probably unbelievably cute kid +15 for threatening to leave the show and not following through +5 for a rose
	Chantel – 15 Eliminated +5 for crying +10 for referencing her “connection” with Juan Pablo (on her way out the door, but still…points are points!)
	Chelsie – 5 +5 for a rose
	Christy – 5 +5 for a rose
	Clare – 60 +10 for revealing a personal tragedy + 10 (5x2) for kissing on a one-on-one in a hot tub +20 for a date rose Bonus: +10 for being treated to a concert by someone I’ve never heard of (This has now been added to the permanent list – what an oversight!) +10 for saying “her mind and heart” has always dated bad guys…because apparently her body has been going after mild-mannered accountants named Phil
	Danielle – 5 +5 for a rose
	Elise – 5 +5 for a rose
	Kat – 45 +10 for referencing her “connection” with Juan Pablo + 15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +20 for a date rose
	Kelly – 35 +20 for a date rose Bonus: +5 for surprisingly making me laugh when she said “I assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so….” +10 for unsurprisingly making me hate humanity when she said, “[Victoria’s] digging her own grave. Makes me look better.” I award her no points for basically being in black face the whole photo shoot.  Come on ABC, you know better than that.
	Lauren – 5 +5 for a rose
	Lucy – 65 +60 for three separate incidences of intentional nudity. SO MUCH NUDITY. +5 for a rose
	Nikki – 50 +15 for Juan Pablo commenting on her attractiveness +30 for tattling on Victoria for drinking too much +5 for a rose Non-Bonus Aside: Nikki didn’t earn herself any kissing action but, oh boy, is it coming. Did anyone else notice how much Juan Pablo licks his lips while talking to her?
	Renee – 25 +5 for misusing the word “literally” +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for making me sort of want her to be my mom. She’s so comforting and nice! And she crawled under a bathroom door on a floor that had God knows what on it! +5 for the second most awkward conversation of the evening. “Let’s hug and talk about almost kissing!”
	Sharleen – 5 +5 for a rose Two Non-Bonus Asides: Firstly, Sharleen is so, so much prettier than this picture of her. Secondly, did she already totally forget the whole “I’m not that into him” thing? I knew she was going to break my heart.
	Victoria – 155 Eliminated +25 for all of the intoxication in the land +15 for threatening to leave the show and not following through +100 for getting kicked off the show outside of game play +5 for crying Bonus: Not that she needs any bonus points, but I can’t help but give her +5 for confusing CPR with the Heimlich Maneuver with another +5 tacked on for referring to the latter as the “Hymen Maneuver.” Oh how I wish that pun was intended.