Day 5, Special, Special Jobs

So, winning this year comes with a one-way ticket to Iowa and, while I'm from the Midwest and recognize that they have jobs there, I would guess it comes with, at the very least a strong invitation to quit your job. So, I guess it's not the largest of shocks that this year's crop of slavering singles doesn't feature much in the way of doctors, lawyers, and Indian Chiefs (and by Indian Chiefs, I clearly mean the generic lady-VPs and Marketing-type Executives that actually find their way onto this show from time to time). Instead, what we do have is a highly predictable but still largely amusing collection of occupations to look forward to. They include:

The Jobs that are Predictable
Seriously, every season of The Bachelor features some of these things: The make-up artists, the hair stylists, the bartenders, the teachers and fertility nurses. And did you guys read the recent New York Times article talking about how one 1/30 of the world's population is now Estheticians? No? I mean, I didn't either, but if The Bachelor dating pool is to be believed...

The Jobs that Would Basically Make up an Exciting Paper Doll or Barbie Wardrobe Collection
I'm looking at you flight attendant, fashion designer, soccer coach, and ballet teacher...and desperately hoping you just turn out to be one girl wearing different themed outfits.

The Jobs that Didn't Used to be Actual Things before Reality TV
Okay, so, yes. Technically, I know you can make a living as a WWE Diva or a plus-sized model. But is it seriously now possible to have a career as a Former NFL Cheerleader? Or a Sports Fishing Enthusiast? And if so, how does one become qualified?

The Jobs that Might not be around to go Back to
I always worry a little bit about the teachers, but this year there is an actual Guidance Counselor on the show. Even setting aside for a moment the pressing Guidance Counselor shortage plaguing our nation...would you ever want someone so clearly capable of such poor decision-making to be the one guiding your children?

The Jobs We're Going to Hear Waaaay Too Much About
We're clearly going to be hard pressed to get a moment's peace from the tragedy of the Wedding Cake Decorator who just wants a chance, for once, to fondant for herself! Unless of course, we can't hear her woeful tale over the off-key crooning of the Cruise Ship Singer.

The Jobs that are Simply Stand-Ins for "Evil Scientist"
That episode where the Cosmetics Developer and the Cadaver Tissue Saleswoman finally take over the world is going to be the most dramatic episode in Bachelor history. (Or, quite possible, the least classy episode ever of Pinky and the Brain).

Day 6, Jillian

Just because Jillian says:
"I let Mike Tyson feel my bicep and I let him dangerously close to my ear...but I still have both."
And I just can't stop thinking...Both your bicep and your ear? Both ears? Both biceps? These questions badly need answers. Damn you, ambiguous phrasing!

Day 7, Juelia

Why? Not because she so obviously loves to eat (And no, I'm not calling this woman who lives very much on the svelte side of normal, fat. Just paying her her propers for the 30% of her profile she devotes to talking about eating and food). But because in a year that's filled with stripper names (seriously: Amber, Tandra, Trina, Jade, Bo, two forms of Brittany Cinnamon, Chardonnay, Roxy McBoobs...Okay, there's a chance I made a few of those up) preppy millenial monikers (MacKenzie, Reegan, to a lesser extent Kimberly and Jillian), and the completely unremarkable, only Juelia has the guts to deliver a completely unnecessary spelling of a very common name. And isn't that what we've all come to expect from this magical program? No, isn't that what we deserve?

Day 8, An Unprecedented Fascination with Bodily Functions

I've already commented on the fact that any woman who says her biggest date fear isn't being gruesomely murdered is a liar. But I have yet to comment on the falsehood that these ladies came up with to cover up their ultimate fear. And that is an omission that cannot be allowed to stand. For when asked what their biggest date fear was. For a survey. That they knew would be made public. Nearly 1/3 of these women came up with some form of bodily function (Yes, I counted. And yes, I'm sure my parents are very proud). Sure, some of them made mention of body odor or sweating (which is a little hard for me to buy as a fear, as I pretty much take some light sweating as a given when faced with anything as stressful as a date. Or a job interview. Or checking emails on a Tuesday), but mostly, they went for the full frontal vulgar with violent gas, diarrhea and one very special mention of "di-di." Now, I'm not saying that stomach discomfort is, in any way, to be coveted while on a date, but if the sheer thought of experiencing it sends you into convulsions of terror, shouldn't mentioning it to the rest of the country register ever so slightly higher on the embarrassment scale as well?

Day 9, Brit

I'm calling it right now. Brit isn't here for the right reasons. How do I know? Well, it took some careful sleuthing and just a little bit of reading between the lines. But ultimately, the facts speaks for themselves.

Brit is a waitress. Which, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I like waitresses. I trust them with one of the things that matters most to me in the world and, as a result, even suffer from a strange compulsion to befriend them and win their approval (It's a family trait. My father has always been one of those schmooze-y patrons who can't pass up a good name tag. "Well, Sandy. What would you recommend?"). But clearly Brit has aspirations of a different life. She mentions paying off her college loans, and her favorite authors include David Foster Wallace and Dave Eggers (and lest you think she just turned to the "D" page of whose who in critically celebrated but ultimately fairly depressing authors, she shows evidence of actually know who both these men are). Oh, and one more, less judgey thing: Did I mention she lives in Hollywood?* Outside of the wrestler and the ridiculous country singer guy, I generally don't buy into that whole "not here for the right reasons" thing because it seems like a crutch used to take down whichever spindly-legged fawn the more predatory girls have chosen to dislike. But, when someone's resume is doing that loud of a job screaming "I want to be an actress," don't you think there should maybe be some kind of screener to weed her out of the pack?

*Please note: I'm not counting her ombred hair as meaningful evidence. Though I have considered the possibility that my theory is way of base and, after seeing their impressive handiwork with Andi, Brit is simply angling for a bit of follicular TLC

Day 10, Michelle

I'm looking forward to Michelle because I sense she knows how the game is meant to be played. Sure, she's a wedding cake decorator, which practically means we're guaranteed a package in which she talks about seeing all the happy couples whilst wistfully wishing that it could FINALLY happen to her despite the fact that she is all of 25. But she also had the good sense to really swing for the fences when asked about her perfect date. Unlike all the poor saps who thought it wise to angle for nothing more than a "romantic picnic in the park" or "anything so long as it's with someone I really love" (because, surprise girls, "anything" translates to "immersed blindfolded in a shark tank" in producer speak), Michelle was savvy enough to set herself up for a unexpected trip to Hawaii and a helicopter ride over volcanoes. (Obviously, she'll have to settle for whatever island nation's rainy season corresponds with taping, but I'm sure it will feel just like Hawaii if she packs enough layers).

After so many predictable seasons, it's just always nice to have a few girls with the wherewithal to work the system, and based on her profile, Michele shows grand potential to be that girl. Either that, or she'll be sent packing by week 3 after scaring Chris off with a customized, three-tiered wedding cake in the shape of his own face.

Day 11, Juan Pablo and Nikki's Televised, Public Reconciliation Followed by their Even More Televised, Public Break-Up

First of all, Merry Christmas everyone! If this image doesn't fill your heart with holiday cheer, well, you probably just haven't had enough eggnog yet.

Second of all, look, I don't know everything. I don't know how something becomes "more televised" than anything else. I don't know how Dr. Jenn Berman hasn't been stripped of her doctorate for the PhD equivalent of deliberate malpractice. I don't know why America hasn't banded together to deprive these two despicable people of their continued day in the sun. But I do know that this will happen. And if Chris Harrison has anything to say about it, it will not be taking place on ABC. 

Day 12, Kaitlyn

If Kaitlyn here could be a fictional character, apparently, she'd choose April O'Neil. Setting aside the obvious concerns, like having to hang out in the sewers, befriend not just angsty turtles but also rats, and be played by Megan Fox in the most recent movie of your life, I'd say she's well on her way. For when asked how she'd approach a man she'd never met before, Kaitlyn here says: "I'd walk right up to him and just say 'Good, and you?'" And if that's not some crack investigative journalism, well then, I just don't know what is!

Day 13, Chris vs. Chris

Look at these two fine gentleman, both tan and well-coiffed and, for some reason, I'm envisioning boasting chests as smooth as a freshly botoxed housewife. And yet it would seem that the similarities end there. Because while  Harrison might experience a degree of reality television success most Midwestern farmers could only dream of, he can't possibly go blow for blow with Soules when it comes to manliness. And I've gotta imagine that's bound to sting a little bit.

Harrison has made his career out of maintaining a smug sense of betterness. He's the guy who believes in love when all the other guys choose to treat it like trash. The guy whose intentions are pure, but whose romantic needs don't extend to slumming it in the reality dating pool. And yet here's a guy, a guy with the same name who has the potential to somehow be superior to him. And that's just gotta rub Harrison the wrong way.

I have no doubt that Chris Harrison will manage to maintain his air of distant chumminess that he reserves for all Bachelor men. He is a consummate professional (especially if we all just agree to forget about Juan Pablo's season for a little bit), but I like to think that the half smile he has going on in the photo above can be considered something of a tell (I also like to think Soules has just made a bit of a dig about Harrison's manicured hands - something cutting yet charmingly naive like "Oh my Gosh! I didn't even know if was possible to go through life without a single callous!") and that we are in for a subtly petulant season ahead.

Day 14, Megan

Also known as the shining beacon of hope who maybe proves to be the first ever contestant to correctly use the word literally? When asked what she can't live without, where most women went with a combination of family, faith, hope, love, and those all important staples like Mountain Dew and Chapstick, Megan went with "water."

Day 15, LIES

In a pinch, I would have also accepted
"Turns out to be un-dead" as a viable
worst date fear.

Think that sounds a little bit over dramatic? Because it's already starting. In their bio interviews, each girl was asked about what their worst date fear was and, to a woman, not one of them answered "getting murdered." Either this is the largest pack of dishonest falsehood weavers in the show's history, or not a single one of them has ever tried online dating. 

Day 16, Brittany

When I first saw Brittany, my first thought was "Waaaay too much boob" (okay, my first though was actually "Holy Boobs!" but it seems wrong to commit such blatant heresy so close to the holiday season), but then I learned that (and this is not a joke) she is apparently a diva-in-training for the WWE. At which point I promptly amended my earlier opinion to commend her on her measured and rather modest fashion approach.

Day 17, Ashley I.

Ashley I. here says that she couldn't live without mascara. And that's her prerogative, but...do we maybe think she could live with less...?

Alright, that was an unnecessarily cheap shot for a very pretty girl, but her makeup regimen doesn't seem to be the only thing Ashley I. hasn't entirely thought through. 

Exhibit A: Ashley I. would be happy if she never had to woke up before 10 am. Which maybe just falls ever so slightly short of making it clear to me why she wants to date a farmer.

Exhibit B: Ashley I. once "decided to try out being a cougar." Which apparently didn't work out because "he was sooo immature and had her pay for everything." Ashley I. is 26, which is too young to be a cougar, but certainly old enough to know that most 13-year olds don't have disposable income. 

Exhibit C: If Ashley I. won the lottery, she would buy a permanent room on a cruise ship that she could use at any time. Which...I'm not opposed to frequent cruises (except for in that vague, I recognize I'm meant to care about the environment kind of a way), but she does know that cruises move...right?

Day 18, Watching Women Milk Cows in High Heels

Because there's just no way this isn't going to happen, right?

Day 19, Nicole

So, I'll admit it. I'm prone to judging books by their covers. And when I first saw Nicole's picture, at least a part of me thought, "yikes."  Not because she's in anyway unattractive - quite the opposite. She's lovely, has beautiful porcelain skin, and doesn't appear to be too overdone - but because her smile seems to be less a product of joy and more clenching down so hard that she's at real risk of cracking a molar if the photographer doesn't "take the damn picture already."

But then I read her profile, and I have to say I'm something of a convert. She gracefully mentions Jessica Rabbit and her sex appeal while taking care to point out how very different she and Jessica are (she fails to point out how appalling like creepy that this grown woman-cum-sexpot has somehow wound up married to a rabbit, but I'll overlook that just this once). And she also drops several inalienable truths:
  1) "Wolves are badass." Yes, Nicole. Yes they are.
  2) "Being married means having a best friend you want to jump into the sack with." Kudos to you for not being afraid to acknowledge that sex is an important part of marriage on a show that can be ever so slightly prone to slut-shaming.
  3) "Having a date who is rude to 'the staff' is the worst." I can tell you from experience, Nicole, that it's probably slightly better than having a date who doesn't have staff to be rude to, but only ever so slightly, so I'll give you the points nonetheless.

Day 20, Mackenzie

So...in case her very trendy 90's name wasn't a giveaway, Mackenzie is young.  And sure, age is just a number and it's entirely possible that her life experiences have endowed her with a maturity that is well beyond her years, but, well....Mackenzie is too young.

For a simple illustration, let's take her favorite movie Mean Girls (which is somehow celebrating its 10th anniversary, and has clearstood the test of time in a way Lindsay Lohan has not). When Mean Girls came out, Chris was perhaps a year out of college, proving himself as a man and revolutionizing the family businesses with his sexy but dangerous agribusiness ideas (I assume). I imagine he probably didn't see the movie right away, busy as he was being an adult and devoting his free time to building his own house, but when he did, I'm sure he admired Tina Fey's attractive brain more than anything else. When Mackenzie saw Mean Girls on the other hand, I imagine she admired Amanda Seyfried's already developed breasts and wondered if being a big kid was really that hard. And I'm in no way calling her flat-chested or mocking her intellectual capacity - merely pointing out the rather disconcerting truth that when the movie came out, Mackenzie was literally in 5th grade.

Day 21, Learning More About Other People's Faith

Hate to ruin the miracle, but turns out, that's not blood.
It's mascara

The Bachelor has always had an interesting relationship with religious faith. Religious piety is as central to the show's hypocrisy as it likely is to its cross-country appeal. Though his last name is Soules, I'm not sure that Chris' religious affiliation or depth of faith has yet been made clear. But this certainly hasn't stopped these girls from coming out swinging right out of the gate (much as the six months hiatus from blogging has not stopped me from mixing my metaphors). The good news is, I'm already learning. Because if these girls' bios and their lists of the items they could never live without are to be believed, then nothing pairs quite as well with the Bible as a curling iron and a pound of slap.

Day 22, Ashley S,

According to her bio, Ashley S. here is a hairstylist. While it isn't exactly hard to believe that a hairstylist would somehow make her way onto The Bachelor, it is a little bit surprising to see one with hair that looks every bit as newscaster-y as mine is every time I leave the hair salon. I guess Ashley at least wins points for truth in advertising!

Day 23, Bo

 I want to be on Team Bo. After all, she's one of the few somewhat normal-sized women that has appeared on this show in years. While she loses points on the normalcy scale by being a plus-sized model (also on the Tyra Banks Scale of Jumpsuit Smize-a-Fierce-itude - Tyra's long-standing determinant of modeling potential), she's also a world-ranked surfer, so it's hard not to think she's probably pretty cool. That being said, when asked which three people she would choose to have lunch with living or dead, she answered: "Beyonce, Rihanna, and Mother Teresa. A feast so we could all get down. Food is bonding, and every woman loves food!"

I have to believe that Mother Teresa
would ask some very probing questions
about all of this.

I'm not going to argue that those women probably love food (particularly Mother Teresa who, at the very least, devoted her life to making sure other people to have it), but Bo's response certainly raises at least a couple of questions for me. For example, why is Mother Teresa listed third? Did she perhaps list Beyonce and Rihanna and then realize she had come up with a rather shallow list? Do we think it sullies Mother Teresa's memory that she is now used as a shortcut for depth or would she view that as just another component of her life of service to the (in this case, mentally) destitute? Could Bo not erase and re-order her list once she realized her error? Do they make them fill out their questionnaires in pen or is that yet another black mark against Bo in the reasonableness record book? I suppose it's at least a good reminder that questionable decision-making isn't always symptomatic of a pressing need for a cheeseburger.

Day 24, The Worst Night One Twist in Bachelor History

Over the years, this series has produced some truly terrible twists. There have been painfully staged camp outs in the desert followed by the desperate pleading of past contestants for whom two seasons of embarrassment could never be enough. There have been contestants arriving late on helicopters, horseback, and steroids. But I'm not sure anything can quite compete with the anticlimax that has been promised this year. 

(This is perhaps technically a spoiler, but one so stupid that I'm not even sure there's anything left to spoil). 15 women will arrive in their limos. And then later. 15 more women. That's right, a totally expected number of people will be arriving in zanily unexpected time intervals. 

I know I'm claiming excitement now when I'm feeling all refreshed by the months off and the disgusting amazing-ness of Bachelor in Paradise, but seriously, if this twist is a preview of the excitement to come, but mid season this blog will just be pictures of farming equipment coupled with <insert words here>.

The Bachelor Advent Calendar

Yet another year, and yet another need to count down to the mounting excitement for what is undoubtedly the most exciting holiday of the year (after Arbor Day, of course): the January premier of the Bachelor! This sweet little guy is, I'm guessing, just the first of an unprecedented number of baby farm animals that we will be treated to on the upcoming season, rivaled for screen time only by amber waves of grain, cliches about the Midwest, and, one assumes, gratuitous footage of Chris operating heavy machinery while shirtless (Despite what the warning labels recommend. You think a nipple can't get caught in a baler?).

Look out for a new post every day between tomorrow and the season premier as I countdown the things I'm looking forward to about this year's season while, perhaps exposing entirely too much about my love of flannel. I hope you'll all join me as we gear up for our 8th season of the Bachelor/ette Fantasy League!

The Finals, The Scores

	Andrew – 55 +5 for earning audience applause +20 for earning shocked audience disbelief Bonus: +10 for saying his personal life has been effected +20 for earning special To Catch a Predator-style footage of him saying something to JJ Non-Bonus Aside: Do you think the producers somehow got him to agree to call Marquel "Ron" to further strengthen their case? How was he not really careful about that? And how is it possible that he still thinks he's not racist
	Bradley – 5 +5 for earning audience applause
	Brian – 30 +10 for earning audience applause x2 +10 for being featured in two bloopers Bonus: +10 for calling JJ out on his very weak apology
	Carl – 5 +5 for earning audience applause
	Chris – 80 +40 for earning audience applause x 8 +10 for being featured in two bloopers Bonus: +10 for Andi admitting she loved his family more than him...not that it was exactly a surprise... +20 for what was the most awkward, weird planted speed date thingy in show history. I don't even know what that was, but...well, if that woman shows up on his season of The Bachelor, we know who everyone is going to hate.
	Cody – 20  +5 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for what was the saddest, sweetest,  most Cody-esque comment about not everyone getting kisses on 1-on-1 dates. I sincerely hope that Bachelor in Paradise goes better for him than I fear it might.
	Craig – 5 +5 for earning audience applause Non-Bonus Aside: I'm guessing the producers refused to allow him to pre-game the taping. This was clearly a mistake.
	Dylan – 35 +5 for earning audience applause +10 for being featured in two bloopers Bonus: +10 for the whole hand washing, hand sanitizer debacle. You're not the only one whose life was impacted here, Andrew! +10 for having his secrets exposed through the lie detector test.
	J.J. – 20 +5 for earning audience applause +5 for being featured in a blooper Bonus: +10 for unnecessarily interrupted Marquel's time
	Marcus – 55 +20 for earning audience applause x 4 +10 for earning an audience awwwww +5 for being featured in a blooper +10 for saying he was changed by the experience +10 for referencing his journey Non-Bonus Aside: I award him no points for having his secrets exposed through the lie detector test. It was basically tantamount to a televised high five for all the women he's slept with...and that seems like reward enough
	Marquel – 50 +30 for earning audience applause x 6 Bonus: +10 for continuing his track history of being massively mature and classy +10 for bringing cookies for everyone
	Nick S. - 15 +5 for earning audience applause Bonus: +10 for calling Andi out on having her guard up a la Eric Non-Bonus Aside: The hair was a definite improvement. As much as I liked the diversity angle, allowing someone who was balding on to the show, the longer hair made him nearly unrecognizable and inarguably a more attractive man.
	Patrick – 5 +5 for earning audience applause
	Ron – 5 +5 for earning audience applause

Tasos – 5 +5 for earning audience applause

Week 9, The Scores - Division Finals

Andi Murray...has a nice ring to it, says Josh. Famed tennis
star Andy Murray and anyone who's been paying any sort
of attention can't help but agree.

Naturally I spent all of this week's episode dreaming about next week's Men Tell All. So in the spirit of that future-thinking sort of optimism (because obviously I am a glass half-full sort of gal - it's what I'm known for along with my propensity to break into song just 'cause), let's continue to look to what's next for our beloved series rather than dwell on an episode in which Andi worked to explain away her sluttiness almost as desperately as the editors worked to make us think it wasn't going to be Josh. Let's break down our remaining men's prospects to be the next Bachelor:

	Chris – 85 Eliminated Why It Will Be Him: Chris is a class act and I'm pretty sure he's a lock for the job if he wants it (and with the Bachelor taping thoughtfully timed for post-Harvest season, what could he possibly have to lose! Shhhh...don't answer that). Sure, Chris precipitated the re-emergence of Andi's Cody-Face (which reads similarly to her "smelling something foul" face combined with her "just arrived on a planet with diagonal gravity" body language), but he also yet again proved his good guy-itude by refusing to sugar coat reality to game the system and by comforting Andi despite the fact that she elected to repeatedly rub it in his face that she tried to love him but it was just too hard. (Also, seriously? Blame it on Iowa! Honestly is not always a sign of respect - sometimes it's just mean!) In truth, sociocultural and historical pontifications on agriculture trends aren't exactly reality TV gold, but certainly the audience everywhere must love him and he undoubtedly fits the mold. Plus with Marcus on Bachelor in Paradise (By the way, I'm very proud of myself for predicting Cody and Marquel would be on that show, especially after making such a hash out of my predictions for this program!), they'd have to dig Brad Womack-style into the cast-offs of past seasons to find a suitable pick. Why We'll Watch: I imagine it will be another generic and predictable season, a palate cleanser to rid us of the surprisingly long-lasting, bitter taste of Juan Pablo. The potential for a different kind of contestant pool is the only real differentiator as the highly education and driven and even the typical models and actresses might not be drawn in by the siren song of homemaking/literally living in a field. I'm not sure the Bachelor shop is even set up to recruit for folks who have amber waves of grain in their hearts rather than the silver screen flickering on their soul, but a season full of super earnest Blakelys and Kacie Bs could either be another amazing chance for a Courtney-stule super-villain to shine or could just be wholesome and terrible. Why We'll be Disappointed: Er...well, at least I was a glass half-full kind of gal for a couple paragraphs! I mean, at this point, Chris can only disappoint us by revealing his surely-existent negative qualities, like say, misogyny and fan-whoredom. That's right, at this point, Chris can only start to slowly reveal that he is actually Sean Lowe. +5 for crying-ish - or what passes for crying when you're just that manly +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +50 for being kicked off outside of game play (not full +100 because this was a mercy killing rather than the result of terrible choices. And you all know how much I love terrible choices) Bonus: +10 for reminding Andi of when she "hopped on his lap and went to town." No, I'm not above that. Your commissioner is a child.
	Josh – 75 Why It Will Be Him: If Andi inexplicably picks Nick and Chris says "no," then this is a real possibility (provided that the producers agree to let him take a break on Sundays to travel the country and watch his kid brother warm the bench). Why We'll Watch: Josh could be kind of interesting. He's cocky and charming so we could skip any sort of false humility, and he might actually have the perfect ratio of legitimately looking for his little wife and looking to sleep with as many women as possible (the ratio, is of course, derived from a highly complicated formula based on supply and demand, the price of Bulgar wheat in China and, of course, terrible dirty puns about sunk costs). Why We'll be Disappointed: Of course might is the operative word. Josh has spent so much time justifying his intentions to Andi and so much time justifying his decision not to make baseball his long-term career that we really don't know that much about him. And I think we all know what happened last time they picked a wild card. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x hottub bonus +20 for accepting an invite to the fantasy suite +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for engaging in a sports activity with random kids - clearly this needs to be added to the permanent list! +5 for giving Andi an aggressively loud kiss after the rose ceremony - granted it was on the cheek, but I still found it to be pretty hilarious
	Nick V. – 80 Why It Will Be Him: It won't be. I suppose getting dumped on National TV could be potentially galvanizing as these break-ups sometimes are, and I suppose theoretically all the other men in the Bachelor family could attend Josh's Bachelor party in Vegas only to decide they all want to join a male revue (for some sketchy ill-defined charity, obviously). But even in this highly unlikely hypothetical, there are still ostensible other men on the planet (though if not, the male revue which would be named something classy like Buns and Roses, would clearly be raking it in). So it just won't be Nick. Why We'll Watch: So Nick really isn't my all-time favorite contestant, but I do think he's gotten something of a bum rap. Despite lots of complaints to the contrary, I think his motives are relatively pure-ish, and I feel like he and Andi would have a better chance of making it in the long-run than Andi and Josh. He's not a natural man's man, but the worst crime he's guilty of seems to be a touch of over-analyzing, a trait that's practically mandatory for all Bachelorettes. In some ways, it would be refreshing to have a Bachelor every bit as analytical as what we get with the girls, someone who's eloquent and bright, more known for his intelligence than his attractiveness or charm... Why We'll be Disappointed: I said the exact same things about Ben +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x helicopter bonus +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (for what I think is actually the first time!) +10 for revealing a personal tragedy and Andi's torturous prompting +20 for accepting the invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for giving Andi a painful to watch gift +5 for a rose

Week 8. The Scores

It's getting down to the end of days now, but we learned this week that Andi still has some surprises left when she sent home early favorite and "I love you THIS much" talking stuffed animal Marcus. I don't think I'd say it's anyone's game, on the show or in our league, but I do believe doors have been left open and the choices people make about putting out next Monday are going to have a pretty big impact, not just on their fate, but on the fate of our Division Champions. Best of luck in the run up to the playoffs everyone!

	Chris – 50 Important Info: If anyone had the foresight to draft Chris' mom, you win. Game over. seriously, that woman went big on night one between her confession of love to her unlikely-to-be-daughter-in-law-to-be to her offer to babysit a brood of mere ideas (speaking of ideas - how many years do you think we have to wait until a Bachelorette gets knocked up in the fantasy suite? Surely a combination of statistics and Chris Harrison's secret desire to be more like Maury Povich will eventually bear that one out), and it clearly worked because I don't think any of us were expecting Chris to make it another week. The late night games, the use of words like "tough cookie" and "gumption, and the sexy tractor ride made the entire hometown date into the Norman Rockwell painting of life on the fart. Ultimately, I think Andi's probably still smart enough to know that board games and slumber parties with the sister who looked just like Sybill Shepherd are a much smaller part of life on a farm than, you know, actual farming. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +15 for Chris' mom confessing her love +10 for Chris' mom pre-emptively pressuring them to start a family
	Josh – 35 Important Info: At this point, when it comes to Josh it doesn't even seem to matter. Andi's repeated concerns are very much smokescreens for the decision she's already made. Perhaps it makes sense that Andi's not eager about him devoting his life to football as she seems hellbent on ignoring anything that involves red flags. The men of Josh's family, though, seemed to know their roles on this date. Josh let Andi see him in his element looking all sweaty and attractive, while brother Aaron, always the quarterback, managed to work in a reference to prayer.  +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for crying...pretty adorably +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for Aaron calling himself a "big boy," particularly hilarious in light of Josh's habit of calling himself a grown-ass man
	Marcus – 35 Eliminated Important Info: Do we think Marcus is just one of those guys who's more attractive in person? Because every time Andi points out that he's the hottest guy she's ever dated, I think "he's not even the hottest guy you're dating right now." Anyway, on the one hand, I'm not sad to see Marcus go. I mean, the man performed a strip tease just so that he wouldn't have to come up with conversation that filled more space than the obligatory declaration of love. On the other hand, I almost feel a little bit bad for him because he had to have been totally blindsided. Part of Andi's charm is her ability to make the men feel comfortable no matter what they're doing, but perhaps she should have showed her hand just a little bit to someone other than his sister that she was feeling rather squeamish about his oppressive love. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +5 for crying Bonus: +10 for his mom referencing his connection with Andi
	Nick V. – 30 Important Info: Well, it seemed pretty clear to me that no one in Nick's family actually thinks he's going to win. His hometown visit played more like a risk assessment meeting than an outpouring of familiar love. Perhaps it's because Nick kept saying that various members know him better than anyone else. Andi's not going to wind up with a guy who can't do simply math. +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for referencing his connection +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for his sister straight up lying to him about what Andi said. She's clearly starting her quest for Bachelor villain-hood early.

Week 8, The Hot Moms

Just one of many indignities suffered by the
state of Minnesota this week....

Let's hear it for the well-prepped families, huh? Not only were they a particularly well-turned-out bunch (and I think we need a special shout out for Nick's mom, Mrs. V. That did not look like a woman with 10 kids much less a woman who had 9 kids and was within spitting distance of getting them all out the door when she was blessed with a late-in-life happy accident. If that was me, I would be raising Bella instead of showing, not raising her while walking around looking like a Chico's model), but they also clearly knew exactly how this game was to be played. They revealed only the most charming of their sons' and brothers' flaws, asked Andi only the gentlest of questions about a process worthy of a dose of heavy skepticism, and ultimately, spent more time praising the remarkable woman hellbent on destroying 75% of their progeny than they did their own offspring. Less well prepped however, was Andi because:

• Poor little Bella is not 6 and Andi wasn't there to give her a high level overview of the birds and the bees. The kid's questions were amazing and, short of replacing her "r's" with "w's," Andi could not have been more condescending. No wonder the child didn't bother to take note of any of Andi's answers to report back to Nick.



That's right - the World's most dangerous polka band - from
a bar in Minneapolis. Polka is NOT a Wisconsin dance, Nick.
Minnesotans and Polish people everywhere agree!

• Saying you "grew up in the suburbs and have a lake house" isn't a terribly persuasive argument for being country.
• Sometimes, when you are a guest in a paramour's family home, the conversation isn't entirely about you. Andi truly was a bit of a brat with Josh's family. I'm sure they'll all love seeing the footage of her calling everyone but his kid sister immature, and I don't understand why she was acting like the opportunity to travel around the country and take in free NFL games wasn't totally amazing. Even if she doesn't like football, she's definitely not thinking clearly about the delicious stadium snacks.
• She couldn't even muster up the strength to pretend that she wasn't totally turned off by Marcus' overzealousness. While I can completely respect that (I was so very pleasantly surprised when his was the last visit instead of Chris), I really doubt Marcus' sister did.

Finally, obviously no one was prepared for the death of Eric Hill, and while I found myself somewhat disgusted by their coverage of it, I'm not really sure how else they could have handled it. Andi and Chris Harrison kept commenting on how this was real life which made it feel like a new level of hypocrisy that they kept the cameras running throughout and plugged it in the preview scenes as if it was just another aspect of the drama. And watching a group of virtual strangers mourn his death seems to somehow cheapen the grief enduring by his true family and friends. That being said, obviously this really happened and Andi and the gang have every right to be effected by it, so I'm not sure that ignoring or minimizing it would necessarily have been a better approach. I guess, ultimately, like everyone else, I'm sorry that he died; sorry that his death is now somehow inextricably linked to shallow discussions of vaguely trashy reality TV; and sorry that instead of celebrating his life, we're focused on how a group of people who barely knew him are coping with his death.

Week 7, The Scores

In an episode where the preview scenes were considerably more interesting than the events as they actually unfolded, it doesn't seem to make much sense to dwell on recapping the past. Seriously, if I thought the Bachelor producers were capable of playing any sort of long con, I would almost think that the horrors of Juan Pablo's season were just a way of setting things up so that they could spoon feed us this utterly banal, terribly predictable season without us complaining. But this is a group that made this year's contestants strip in the second episode. They're clearly not capable of delayed gratification. So instead of dwelling on the almost invisible acts of villainy, the forced declarations of love, and the fact that some intern clearly fell asleep on the job of researching unique cultural things to do in Belgium ("Well, according to my notes and what I could determine from the information super highway, it appears that Andi and her dates could maybe...eat some food?"), let's instead look to the future:

	Brian – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Watching a  game by himself at a sports bar somewhere in Harrisburg, clenching his jaw any time he hears laughter while jotting down sports metaphors to help him cope with his heartbreak Where he will be in three months: I never thought I would say this, but I think for Brian, coming on this show might have actually been a good life decision. Brian bemoaned his lack of game throughout the season and his uptick in recognizability as well as the lessons learned on the show (while not every woman is quite as blinded by a good old fashioned ravishing against a  wall as Andi, clearly watching the tape of his awkward kitchen date - analyzing the flaws in his performance, and looking for holes in the defense - will be informative) will ensure that soon Brian will be swimming in all the female attention he can handle. Where he will be in a year: Married. Probably quite happily with a baby on the way. He just seems the type. +15 for saying that he's falling in love +5 for crying-ish Bonus: +10 for revealing his fear of pickles. While not technically a personal tragedy, pickles are quite delicious and he is inarguably missing out.
	Chris – 55 Where he will be in a week: Wiping away tears as he storms toward a limo ride of shame. How do I know this? Because Andi was never going to wind up living on a farm. Oh, and also because they showed us that very scene at the beginning of the season. Is it embarrassing that I remember that? Probably, but not quite as embarrassing as making such terrible and irresponsible decisions at your editing job. Where he will be in three months: Sitting shirtless on a tractor that has been adorned by a garland of roses while cameras capture him in all his middle American glory. Barring him saying no, there's no way Chris being the next Bachelor isn't going to happen. Where he will be in a year: Back on the cover of US Weekly embroiled in some sort of break-up and/or agriculture scandal (probably the former unless the owner of US Weekly decides to run for President and takes a sudden and fleeting interest in Iowa). +15 for saying he's falling in love +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for questioning whether Nick is on the show for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for re-enacting the movie Ghost +10 for calling himself a Nervous Nancy
	Dylan – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Hopefully getting a haircut. There will always be a special place in my heart for Dylan, but the manly half-ponytail is something that not even I am prepared to handle. Where he will be in three months: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. Where he will be in a year: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. +10 for complaining about not getting a 1-on-1 +10 for making a metaphor about the date he was on +5 for crying
	Josh – 50 Where he will be in a week: One the phone with Andi, having their seventh conversation in which he tries to make her explain what she possibly saw in Nick. Where he will be in three months: Trying to get past whatever poor decisions Andi made in the fantasy suite while she tries to prevent herself from going through his texts. Where he will be in a year: Spotted around town canoodling with...I'm gonna say Eva Longoria. Josh is obviously going to take this, but I have rather limited optimism that they'll be built to last. +5 for kissing on a 1-on-1 +10 for saying he's falling in love +15 for being treated to a private concert (I think - it was hard to see past them essentially banging against a wall) +10 for questioning if Nick is here for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for the fake cough. Classic.
	Marcus – 40 Where he will be in a week: I dunno. I guess hopefully apologizing to his mom for airing all of her dirty laundry on TV. It's one thing when it's like a deadbeat dad or some other relative with whom the relationship has been severed, but sharing his mom's failings felt particularly icky...unless it's just that I particularly don't like Marcus. Where he will be in three months: I don't think I can possibly bring myself to care - I guess probably journaling or something? Where he will be in a year: Seriously, whose idea was this stupid format? +20 for revealing two personal tradegies +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for questioning whether Nick was there for the right reasons +5 for a rose
	Nick V. – 95 Where he will be in a week: So, I'm gonna say booking his flight for the Men Tell All. I feel a lot less confident about it than I do Josh winning, but ultimately, while Jake picked Vienna and Ben picked Courtney, they just don't let the Bachelorettes wind up with the villains. Do I think Andi and Nick have better chemistry than her and Marcus? Yes, but then again, I think And and the Bar Exam probably had better chemistry than her and Marcus as well. And ultimately, you have to think they're gonna concoct some cockamie scheme to send Nick packing just so that they can make sure he's prepped to face a jury of his deep-V-wearing peers. Where he will be in three months: If this was the halcyon days of Bachelor Pad, I would say doing that - especially after all the fuss they made over his masterful strategizing. But given that it seems like they're trying to make it a different kind of show, I'm guessing Bachelor in Paradise is going to feature some sort of combination along the lines of Marquel, Cody, and someone we've never really heard talk...like Dylan. Plus, they've already recruited the generic-and-hard-to-remember villain-of-circumstances, Ben, so they likely don't have space for the similarly loathsome Nick no matter how much room he would save them by cramming himself into ridiculously skinny jeans. So I guess it's probably wearing a polka dotted tie out and about in Milwaukee and wondering why no one is approaching him. Where he will be in a year: Standing outside the Bachelor Mansion trying to wheedle Chris Harrison into letting him in to vie for Trissandra's heart. And, if the next Bacheloretteis somehow named Trissandra, in a year's time Ihope to be running the country's most lucrative psychic hotline! +20 for stealing unsanctioned along time with Andi +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +10 for essentially saying he didn't go there to make friends +5 for crying due to the depths of his skeevy emotions Bonus: +5 for calling the group dates the worst thing in the world - he didn't use literally, but the hyperbole was at least as extreme +10 for going super bold and basically telling Andi she loves him. I'm just saying, Andi talks about Josh the way that Nick talks about her. There's no mystery left.