Week 9, The Scores - Division Finals

Andi Murray...has a nice ring to it, says Josh. Famed tennis
star Andy Murray and anyone who's been paying any sort
of attention can't help but agree.

Naturally I spent all of this week's episode dreaming about next week's Men Tell All. So in the spirit of that future-thinking sort of optimism (because obviously I am a glass half-full sort of gal - it's what I'm known for along with my propensity to break into song just 'cause), let's continue to look to what's next for our beloved series rather than dwell on an episode in which Andi worked to explain away her sluttiness almost as desperately as the editors worked to make us think it wasn't going to be Josh. Let's break down our remaining men's prospects to be the next Bachelor:

	Chris – 85 Eliminated Why It Will Be Him: Chris is a class act and I'm pretty sure he's a lock for the job if he wants it (and with the Bachelor taping thoughtfully timed for post-Harvest season, what could he possibly have to lose! Shhhh...don't answer that). Sure, Chris precipitated the re-emergence of Andi's Cody-Face (which reads similarly to her "smelling something foul" face combined with her "just arrived on a planet with diagonal gravity" body language), but he also yet again proved his good guy-itude by refusing to sugar coat reality to game the system and by comforting Andi despite the fact that she elected to repeatedly rub it in his face that she tried to love him but it was just too hard. (Also, seriously? Blame it on Iowa! Honestly is not always a sign of respect - sometimes it's just mean!) In truth, sociocultural and historical pontifications on agriculture trends aren't exactly reality TV gold, but certainly the audience everywhere must love him and he undoubtedly fits the mold. Plus with Marcus on Bachelor in Paradise (By the way, I'm very proud of myself for predicting Cody and Marquel would be on that show, especially after making such a hash out of my predictions for this program!), they'd have to dig Brad Womack-style into the cast-offs of past seasons to find a suitable pick. Why We'll Watch: I imagine it will be another generic and predictable season, a palate cleanser to rid us of the surprisingly long-lasting, bitter taste of Juan Pablo. The potential for a different kind of contestant pool is the only real differentiator as the highly education and driven and even the typical models and actresses might not be drawn in by the siren song of homemaking/literally living in a field. I'm not sure the Bachelor shop is even set up to recruit for folks who have amber waves of grain in their hearts rather than the silver screen flickering on their soul, but a season full of super earnest Blakelys and Kacie Bs could either be another amazing chance for a Courtney-stule super-villain to shine or could just be wholesome and terrible. Why We'll be Disappointed: Er...well, at least I was a glass half-full kind of gal for a couple paragraphs! I mean, at this point, Chris can only disappoint us by revealing his surely-existent negative qualities, like say, misogyny and fan-whoredom. That's right, at this point, Chris can only start to slowly reveal that he is actually Sean Lowe. +5 for crying-ish - or what passes for crying when you're just that manly +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +50 for being kicked off outside of game play (not full +100 because this was a mercy killing rather than the result of terrible choices. And you all know how much I love terrible choices) Bonus: +10 for reminding Andi of when she "hopped on his lap and went to town." No, I'm not above that. Your commissioner is a child.
	Josh – 75 Why It Will Be Him: If Andi inexplicably picks Nick and Chris says "no," then this is a real possibility (provided that the producers agree to let him take a break on Sundays to travel the country and watch his kid brother warm the bench). Why We'll Watch: Josh could be kind of interesting. He's cocky and charming so we could skip any sort of false humility, and he might actually have the perfect ratio of legitimately looking for his little wife and looking to sleep with as many women as possible (the ratio, is of course, derived from a highly complicated formula based on supply and demand, the price of Bulgar wheat in China and, of course, terrible dirty puns about sunk costs). Why We'll be Disappointed: Of course might is the operative word. Josh has spent so much time justifying his intentions to Andi and so much time justifying his decision not to make baseball his long-term career that we really don't know that much about him. And I think we all know what happened last time they picked a wild card. +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x hottub bonus +20 for accepting an invite to the fantasy suite +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for engaging in a sports activity with random kids - clearly this needs to be added to the permanent list! +5 for giving Andi an aggressively loud kiss after the rose ceremony - granted it was on the cheek, but I still found it to be pretty hilarious
	Nick V. – 80 Why It Will Be Him: It won't be. I suppose getting dumped on National TV could be potentially galvanizing as these break-ups sometimes are, and I suppose theoretically all the other men in the Bachelor family could attend Josh's Bachelor party in Vegas only to decide they all want to join a male revue (for some sketchy ill-defined charity, obviously). But even in this highly unlikely hypothetical, there are still ostensible other men on the planet (though if not, the male revue which would be named something classy like Buns and Roses, would clearly be raking it in). So it just won't be Nick. Why We'll Watch: So Nick really isn't my all-time favorite contestant, but I do think he's gotten something of a bum rap. Despite lots of complaints to the contrary, I think his motives are relatively pure-ish, and I feel like he and Andi would have a better chance of making it in the long-run than Andi and Josh. He's not a natural man's man, but the worst crime he's guilty of seems to be a touch of over-analyzing, a trait that's practically mandatory for all Bachelorettes. In some ways, it would be refreshing to have a Bachelor every bit as analytical as what we get with the girls, someone who's eloquent and bright, more known for his intelligence than his attractiveness or charm... Why We'll be Disappointed: I said the exact same things about Ben +10 for kissing on a one-on-one x helicopter bonus +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +15 for Andi commenting on his attractiveness (for what I think is actually the first time!) +10 for revealing a personal tragedy and Andi's torturous prompting +20 for accepting the invitation to the fantasy suite +10 for giving Andi a painful to watch gift +5 for a rose