Week 7, The Scores

In an episode where the preview scenes were considerably more interesting than the events as they actually unfolded, it doesn't seem to make much sense to dwell on recapping the past. Seriously, if I thought the Bachelor producers were capable of playing any sort of long con, I would almost think that the horrors of Juan Pablo's season were just a way of setting things up so that they could spoon feed us this utterly banal, terribly predictable season without us complaining. But this is a group that made this year's contestants strip in the second episode. They're clearly not capable of delayed gratification. So instead of dwelling on the almost invisible acts of villainy, the forced declarations of love, and the fact that some intern clearly fell asleep on the job of researching unique cultural things to do in Belgium ("Well, according to my notes and what I could determine from the information super highway, it appears that Andi and her dates could maybe...eat some food?"), let's instead look to the future:

	Brian – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Watching a  game by himself at a sports bar somewhere in Harrisburg, clenching his jaw any time he hears laughter while jotting down sports metaphors to help him cope with his heartbreak Where he will be in three months: I never thought I would say this, but I think for Brian, coming on this show might have actually been a good life decision. Brian bemoaned his lack of game throughout the season and his uptick in recognizability as well as the lessons learned on the show (while not every woman is quite as blinded by a good old fashioned ravishing against a  wall as Andi, clearly watching the tape of his awkward kitchen date - analyzing the flaws in his performance, and looking for holes in the defense - will be informative) will ensure that soon Brian will be swimming in all the female attention he can handle. Where he will be in a year: Married. Probably quite happily with a baby on the way. He just seems the type. +15 for saying that he's falling in love +5 for crying-ish Bonus: +10 for revealing his fear of pickles. While not technically a personal tragedy, pickles are quite delicious and he is inarguably missing out.
	Chris – 55 Where he will be in a week: Wiping away tears as he storms toward a limo ride of shame. How do I know this? Because Andi was never going to wind up living on a farm. Oh, and also because they showed us that very scene at the beginning of the season. Is it embarrassing that I remember that? Probably, but not quite as embarrassing as making such terrible and irresponsible decisions at your editing job. Where he will be in three months: Sitting shirtless on a tractor that has been adorned by a garland of roses while cameras capture him in all his middle American glory. Barring him saying no, there's no way Chris being the next Bachelor isn't going to happen. Where he will be in a year: Back on the cover of US Weekly embroiled in some sort of break-up and/or agriculture scandal (probably the former unless the owner of US Weekly decides to run for President and takes a sudden and fleeting interest in Iowa). +15 for saying he's falling in love +10 for kissing on a group date +10 for questioning whether Nick is on the show for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for re-enacting the movie Ghost +10 for calling himself a Nervous Nancy
	Dylan – 25 Eliminated Where he will be in a week: Hopefully getting a haircut. There will always be a special place in my heart for Dylan, but the manly half-ponytail is something that not even I am prepared to handle. Where he will be in three months: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. Where he will be in a year: Chatting up a cute Irish or Italian girl at a bar in Boston by telling her all about the footage of him interacting with Andi that surely must have existed. +10 for complaining about not getting a 1-on-1 +10 for making a metaphor about the date he was on +5 for crying
	Josh – 50 Where he will be in a week: One the phone with Andi, having their seventh conversation in which he tries to make her explain what she possibly saw in Nick. Where he will be in three months: Trying to get past whatever poor decisions Andi made in the fantasy suite while she tries to prevent herself from going through his texts. Where he will be in a year: Spotted around town canoodling with...I'm gonna say Eva Longoria. Josh is obviously going to take this, but I have rather limited optimism that they'll be built to last. +5 for kissing on a 1-on-1 +10 for saying he's falling in love +15 for being treated to a private concert (I think - it was hard to see past them essentially banging against a wall) +10 for questioning if Nick is here for the right reasons +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for the fake cough. Classic.
	Marcus – 40 Where he will be in a week: I dunno. I guess hopefully apologizing to his mom for airing all of her dirty laundry on TV. It's one thing when it's like a deadbeat dad or some other relative with whom the relationship has been severed, but sharing his mom's failings felt particularly icky...unless it's just that I particularly don't like Marcus. Where he will be in three months: I don't think I can possibly bring myself to care - I guess probably journaling or something? Where he will be in a year: Seriously, whose idea was this stupid format? +20 for revealing two personal tradegies +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for questioning whether Nick was there for the right reasons +5 for a rose
	Nick V. – 95 Where he will be in a week: So, I'm gonna say booking his flight for the Men Tell All. I feel a lot less confident about it than I do Josh winning, but ultimately, while Jake picked Vienna and Ben picked Courtney, they just don't let the Bachelorettes wind up with the villains. Do I think Andi and Nick have better chemistry than her and Marcus? Yes, but then again, I think And and the Bar Exam probably had better chemistry than her and Marcus as well. And ultimately, you have to think they're gonna concoct some cockamie scheme to send Nick packing just so that they can make sure he's prepped to face a jury of his deep-V-wearing peers. Where he will be in three months: If this was the halcyon days of Bachelor Pad, I would say doing that - especially after all the fuss they made over his masterful strategizing. But given that it seems like they're trying to make it a different kind of show, I'm guessing Bachelor in Paradise is going to feature some sort of combination along the lines of Marquel, Cody, and someone we've never really heard talk...like Dylan. Plus, they've already recruited the generic-and-hard-to-remember villain-of-circumstances, Ben, so they likely don't have space for the similarly loathsome Nick no matter how much room he would save them by cramming himself into ridiculously skinny jeans. So I guess it's probably wearing a polka dotted tie out and about in Milwaukee and wondering why no one is approaching him. Where he will be in a year: Standing outside the Bachelor Mansion trying to wheedle Chris Harrison into letting him in to vie for Trissandra's heart. And, if the next Bacheloretteis somehow named Trissandra, in a year's time Ihope to be running the country's most lucrative psychic hotline! +20 for stealing unsanctioned along time with Andi +5 for kissing on a one-on-one +10 for kissing in a group setting +20 for a date rose +10 for referencing his connection with Andi +10 for essentially saying he didn't go there to make friends +5 for crying due to the depths of his skeevy emotions Bonus: +5 for calling the group dates the worst thing in the world - he didn't use literally, but the hyperbole was at least as extreme +10 for going super bold and basically telling Andi she loves him. I'm just saying, Andi talks about Josh the way that Nick talks about her. There's no mystery left.