Week 1, The Draft - Limo 6 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Tracy – SP: 308

Attraction (a): 8

So, I don't generally like to comment on these women's appearances because they are all incredibly lovely girls who occasionally make questionable choices. And I, myself, have made any number of unflattering decisions in my life without having their bone structure, commitment to the gym, and basic understanding of how to apply makeup to back it up. With all that said, however, I actually found myself a little bit disappointed with Tracy, here. Not because she's not beautiful - she is - but because she looks like a completely different woman to from the low-maintenance and somewhat sport straight-haired lass in her  bio photo. Somehow, between the promo pictures and the premier, her hair has magically grown into long, generic waves a la pretty much everyone else. This is obviously an upsetting application of extensions or she has a rare Lady Lovelilocks disorder and the growth was caused incidentally as she was teaching her students her expectations about raising hands. 

Background (B): 3
Setting aside for a moment that having your students write letters to your prospective boyfriend is perhaps not the best use of class time (or taxpayer dollars...), the letter she read was pretty adorable. Though she may need to devote some class time to studying up on noted non-cat ladies, such as Harriet Tubman, Susan B. Anthony, and Sojourner Truth. 

Domesticatability (D): 8

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Bo – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 3

On the one hand, there's something to be said for having a woman like Bo on the show who appeared confident and unconcerned despite being surrounded by exceedingly teeny women. On the other hand, did it seem to anyone else like ABC wanted a pat on the head for including someone "normal" this year?

Background (B): 1
What angers me further was that the only real screen time they gave Bo was devoted to her talkinga bout eating. The problem is not the portrayal of a health, attractive woman who regularly consumes adult-sized portions of food. But it seems that there was a subtle and pernicious message buried in that segment of, "You can't expect to look like the rest of these women if you're going to do something as misguided as eating pork and beef."

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 9
High marks, just for willing to be the token "normal" who ventured onto this show. The only small mercy is that we didn't get a weepy exit package about no one loving her curves.

"Let me just move my hair so it doesn't trap any of my devious
ideas..."

Kimberly – SP: #VALUE!

Attraction (a): 2

Until she pulled her cliffhanger stunt at the end, literally the only thing I had written down about Kimberly here was "gynecological white dress." I'm not saying Chris necessarily prefers something be left to the imagination, but he probably also doesn't like to devote time to worrying about whether the ladies he is entertaining will be able to sit without raising rather serious hygiene concerns.

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 0

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): ???
So, usually second chances tend to be reserved for former contestants we've come to know and love (or, in the case of Chris Bukowksi, have come to know and tolerate only as a lesser species characterized by sliminess limited critical thinking skills). But if you think about it, it's actually kind of surprising no one has ever pulled this move before. It's extraordinarily clear that ABC allows pretty much any activity on the show with the potential to boost ratings, so it's odd that, while many contestants didn't come her to make friends, they nearly all seems to have have come to follow hazily defined rules. The post-production team scrupulously kept Kimberly out of the "coming up" package, so I have no clue what will happen with her next week, but my best guess is that her gambit pays off in the short term and she's allowed to stay for an episode of two before Chris, yet again, works up the courage to leave her rose-less.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5

 Kara – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0
Well, yikes, Kara. I am sure you are a lovely person, but next time you're going after a man, you might awnt to consider toning down your Eau de Desperation. Even on a show that's designed to lead to marriage, no man's ready to hear what you've named your future babies in your first ever sentence to him. 

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 10
According to Kara, she is "Just a little servant, willing to do whatever she's supposed to." Now, I'm not sure if that's a religious thing or her dated conception of her role as a "little wife," but I do wish Kara hadn't been told she was "supposed to" make half the country feel very uncomfortable on National TV. 

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 9
Desperation begat craziness which begat the gender politics of Henry XIII...or perhaps vice versa.

Jade – SP: 1120

Attraction (a): 10
Jade might have been slotted into a rough spot as the evening's closer, but that, in no way, tempered the effect she had on Chris. Jade earned a "You're kidding me right now" and a whole lot of extraneous touching, and that was only after Chris regained the power of speech after letting out an involuntary gasp and getting totally tongue-tied.

Might be a sign of how looped I am from
writing 30 of these that I'm starting to think
the Coug here, might actually look kind
of like Jade...

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 8
She's definitely working the small town charm angle with the adorable parking in LA story. She and Chris can talk about country duets all they want, but it's pretty clear that a little John Cougar Mellencamp would be the most appropriate Karaoke song of choice.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 8
Jade has the potential to go the distance, that is, if she doesn't get out sweet-ed and out tragedy-ed by Kelsey and the other doe-eyed beauties.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1