As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.
Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else). For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C2 + 2C)), see my earlier post.
Alissa – SP: 19.25
Attraction (a): 1
For whatever reason, I'm just not really feeling Alissa. Maybe it was her terrible, pre-taped flight attendant shtick (although that kind of poorly conceived tripe worked for Andi...) or the whole seatbelt hug con. And I can't help feeling like Chris isn't really all that into her either. I mean, she made it through, but Chris comment for Alissa was "lady in a red dress!" Especially given how wildly complimentary he was of everyone else, this seems like the equivalent of saying "you're wearing pants!" after someone has just asked you how they look.
For whatever reason, I'm just not really feeling Alissa. Maybe it was her terrible, pre-taped flight attendant shtick (although that kind of poorly conceived tripe worked for Andi...) or the whole seatbelt hug con. And I can't help feeling like Chris isn't really all that into her either. I mean, she made it through, but Chris comment for Alissa was "lady in a red dress!" Especially given how wildly complimentary he was of everyone else, this seems like the equivalent of saying "you're wearing pants!" after someone has just asked you how they look.
Background (B): 6Domesticatability (D): 5
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Jordan – SP: 40
Attraction (a): 5
Honestly, I don't care about Jordan's entrance and the travel whiskey. I don't care that she both called all the other women bitches and compared them to presents for Chris. All I care about is that she tripped during the rose ceremony. And I will love her forever for it.
Honestly, I don't care about Jordan's entrance and the travel whiskey. I don't care that she both called all the other women bitches and compared them to presents for Chris. All I care about is that she tripped during the rose ceremony. And I will love her forever for it.
Background (B): 0
Domesticatability (D): 1
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 4
Nicole - SP: 0
Attraction (a): 0
Every year, there's at least one girl whose opening gambit totally fails. And this year, it was Nicole. Nicole is actually a super pretty girl, but it seems like Chris couldn't fully get past the image of her with the nose. And also...Brittany and Carly should feel terrible about not trying to dissuade her from what was clearly a pretty crucial mistake.
Every year, there's at least one girl whose opening gambit totally fails. And this year, it was Nicole. Nicole is actually a super pretty girl, but it seems like Chris couldn't fully get past the image of her with the nose. And also...Brittany and Carly should feel terrible about not trying to dissuade her from what was clearly a pretty crucial mistake.
Background (B): 0
Domesticatability (D): 8
She loves pigs; she knows at least one of the sounds essentially to singing old MacDonald. Sign this woman up for motherhood on a farm!
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 3
Brittany – SP: 0
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Attraction (a): 10
Though he acted like it was a zero, I just don't have enough faith in Chris (or indeed, his gender) to believe he didn't feel any stirrings in his nether regions when Brittany showed up pretty much wearing lingerie.
Background (B): 6
And these stirrings had to have been compounded when he found out Brittany was from the WWE. After all, he is from the Midwest, and out kind once elected a former WWE wrestler to the highest office in our land....twice.
And these stirrings had to have been compounded when he found out Brittany was from the WWE. After all, he is from the Midwest, and out kind once elected a former WWE wrestler to the highest office in our land....twice.
Domesticatability (D): 0
Especially if domestic bliss is measured in number of unbroken chairs.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7
It would have been higher, but does anyone else think she was planning to do a whole wrestling round placard bit with her #soulesmate sign and sorta chickened out? This not only suggests a modicum of rationality but also an indication that she might not be ready fort he other reality show in the WWE.
Carly – SP: 262.5
Attraction (a): 5
Background (B): 5
Sure, we got a little schpiel about how Carly's a cruise ship singer, but what really interests me is the hardships she endured before that. After coming of age as heir to the throne of a peaceable and disproportionately treetop nation, she was captured by an aggressively stompy turtle-dragon and forced to watch as her father was transformed into all manner of animals and her land overrun with angry flying turtles and mushrooms with feet.
Sure, we got a little schpiel about how Carly's a cruise ship singer, but what really interests me is the hardships she endured before that. After coming of age as heir to the throne of a peaceable and disproportionately treetop nation, she was captured by an aggressively stompy turtle-dragon and forced to watch as her father was transformed into all manner of animals and her land overrun with angry flying turtles and mushrooms with feet.
Domesticatability (D): 5
Though her hands have never known manual labor, the care with which she treats her toadstool citizens is unparalleled.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3
Though fingers crossed, her early departure will be precipitated by Chris learning of her mustachioed plumber boyfriend back home.
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Unless she's not actually Princess Peach, in which case, I have no clue.
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