Week 1, the Draft: Limo 1 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Britt – SP: 4400

Attraction (a): 10

So, I have to say, I have been to the Midwest. In fact, not only have I been there on a 45-minute layover from New York to L.A. like the rest of you jerks, but I actually grew up there (not getting all preachy or calling it "God's country" or anything - just saying it's a fully habitable area). Now, I didn't grow up in rural Iowa, but close enough to it that I feel I can say with some authority that it's not exactly an Alaskan oil rig. There are women there. Attractive women whose skin glows from being constantly surrounded by excellent sources of calcium. And yet, Chris spent the night acting like he had never seen an attractive woman before, let along all the exciting trappings that come with them like sequins and crazy. But in a night where everyone was treated like they were a ten, it's pretty clear Britt was the teniest. She's going to do well here.

Background (B): 6
She's so single! And so lonely! And looks so much better jogging in spandex than is in any way fair to the rest of us who enjoy fried food and melted cheese!

Domesticatability (D): 5
Now Britt wants us to think that she's at least an 8 and jumped right to her love of small towns despite having only ever heard of them in Lifetime Christmas movies and Fannie Flagg novels (I know, it's an old reference, but my default setting is craving fried green tomatoes), but I'm still not fully bought in with the whole waitress in Hollywood thing. Plus, is 400 odd people really enough to satisfy her need for worldwide disbursal of free hugs?

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 10
Though if the preview scenes are any indication, at least half of her time will be spent hysterically sobbing.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 4

Sure, she seemed completely classy, maybe even a little bit demure, but I actually think Britt may be the rare perfect level of lunacy that makes the reality world cut off its own year and dance pantsless in the rain. The evidence is admittedly scant (the uncontrollable sobbing; the idolization of David Foster Wallace; Michelle Money's amazing rumor about her lack of showering; the free hugs), but I suspect she might be a self-aware kind of crazy who knows just when to hide it and when to let it all hang loose. And voodoo dolls made out of human hair surreptitiously clipped from the scalps of the other girls while they sleep need free hugs too.

Whitney – SP: 661.5

Attraction (a): 3
My gut (by which I mean creepy, almost feverish watching) tells me Chris wasn't as floored by Whitney as he was by some of the other girls. But based on how long it looks like she's going to stick around and the dulcet "look how sweet she is" harp music they chose to score her intro package with, I imagine, he'll grow to be attracted to her personality. Which means that basically, she's ultimately screwed.

Background (B): 7

Yes, that's what you think it is....unless
you think it's something other than a hog
inseminator....

So, don't get me wrong, being a fertility nurse is an important job, and I'm sure Whitney's a lovely person. But did is piss anyone else off that she said her job makes her think about what she's missing? Because, seriously, either Whitney is just a little bit insensitive or she is somehow wired to covet the hormone shots, massive expenses, and somewhat frequent heartbreak of couples who struggle to conceive.

Domesticatability (D): 10
Blah, blah, blah. Inseminating pigs..

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 8

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7

Again, no real reason. Just a hunch that Whitney has the potential to be the way-too-serious-way-too-early, inexplicably-possessive-given-how-this-game-ALWAYS-works girl this year.

 Kelsey – SP: 1147.5

Attraction (a): 9
 Part of me thinks that they should have filled this season with undeniably beautiful but seemingly grounded and normal girls like Kelsey. Certainly that's what ABC would have done if they really cared about him finding true love. But a larger part of me knows that would likely make for an super boring and probably kind of devastating season. And that, if we're being honest, they don't really care. Except for Chris Harrison who, I believe, gets a bonus vial of virgin tears to maintain his flawless man-plexion if they wind up tying the knot. All that being said, Chris certainly seems to appreciate her normalcy (by which I mean actually kind of ridiculous natural prettiness) as she earned both a "wow" and some extra flirtatious commentary on her dimples.

Background (B): 10
So sad. And so much credit goes to her because I'm pretty sure I would have to spend at least a year and a half curled up in a ball on the couch.

Domesticatability (D): 8
Because I am sure she was thinking of the kids watching at home when she pointed out that the dresses were getting "shorter and shorter."

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 9

I don't know enough to make predictions yet (though that's never stopped me before - Ventura 2016!), but from the looks of things, if Kelsey doesn't win then she certainly does a bang up job positioning herself to be the next Bachelorette.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Seriously, I would be SO MUCH crazier than her if faced with even a fraction of her circumstances.

Ashley I. – SP: 607.5

Attraction (a): 9

There was a "gorgeous," there was an "oh my god," and that was after only some very light pandering by mentioning the restrictive movement of her very tight dress. Ashley I. knows how this game is to be played.

Background (B): 0
From watching the previews, there's an outside chance that she might be the virgin they keep disgustingly advertising as if it is an historical even to witness someone's deflowering on national TV. But...it seems like a long shot. Also if I keep conjecturing about this for even a moment longer, I think there's a pretty good chance that I will be forced to enroll myself on the sex offender registry.

Domesticatability (D): 3

Only because she came up with some lovely things to say about some of the late arrival's introductory shticks. Being able to come up with compliments for things that any right-minded adult would discard as poorly planned and amateurish is an essential component of parenting.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 6
This one actually surprised me, but I also should probably admit that I was having a bit of a hard time telling Jade, Samantha and Ashley I. (or Jamanthley I. as I like to call them) apart. 

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 3
I know. I'm totally overbidding the craziness this year. But anyone who says "I'm gonna get him" really in any context other than TV tag, snipering, or puppy buying is bound to be a little crazy.

Megan – SP: 280

Attraction (a): 8
 Well, so, the first limo was certainly the vehicle to be in! Not only did all these girls get a rose, but Megan elicited an "it's not going to be easy" based on her blonde hair, her blue eyes, and, one can infer, the women who came before her. By the time Chris got to Limo 5, Chris could muster up little more than a repeated "stunning" for each of the beauties on parade.

Background (B): 2
Given she was ostensible born in the 80's (Oh Lord. I just looked it up and she wasn't. How did we get to be so old? And be "we," I mean me and Chris. She's too young for you, pervy!), we can at least say Megan was blessed with parents as unimaginative as my own!

Domesticatability (D): 2

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 5
See, and here, I want to make a Half Baked reference about her cuss-laden storm out, but again, she's just too young to get it (or to remember those tragic times when Jon Stewart was a terrible, terrible actor). 

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7
Even villains don't usually surface on night one. But interrupting another prospective suittress with "Where is this conversation going?" is a ballsy move, even if Ashley S. seemed somewhat unlikely to remember it.