As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.
Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else). For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C2 + 2C)), see my earlier post.
Trina – SP: 14
Attraction (a): 2
He didn't grimace or anything, but with how Chris's reactions went over the course of the night, "you look amazing" was pretty much tantamount to a slap in the face.
Background (B): 1
Domesticatability (D): 3
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7
At least I hope so. Not because I actually want her to sneak into Chris Harrison's dressing room and fill his shoes with fruit salad or tattoo DEATH TO SPATULAS across her face (okay, I do. I want all of those things), but if she has any hope of making my annual crazy-eyes prediction come true, then she's going to need to go down in a blaze pf ambrosia-slinging glory by night two or three.
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| It took me 2 minutes to find, Reegan. Next time, look into it! |
Attraction (a): 4
At least she got a "you look beautiful" before managing to terrorize Chris with her organ-hocking and slightly too authentic looking gooey, fake heart.
Background (B): 3
Did you know Reegan was a cadaver tissue salesman? And also sh sells cadaver tissue. Professionally. For a living. The only reason to mention that specific job so fervently and repeatedly is if you are trying to justify a very shady Craigslist ad.Domesticatability (D): 8
I imagine she'd be excellent at "patching" up boo-boos.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 8
Because gooey, fake heart! Though I'm anti-intro-bit, this one would have been so much better if she had just gone with, like, a plush heart (I know it sounds like a long shot, but, she ostensibly owns the internet, so...), or a clearly fake plastic model, or even a construction paper cut out of the Valentine's-style heart shape (even if she struggles with her cutting skills as I often do, there's trick any 6-year-old could teach her about achieving perfect, romantic symmetry...and perhaps loan her some safety scissors). We should just all be grateful that they replaced the footage of her eating the gooey fake heart (which I imagine tasted like melty fruit roll-ups) with the important interview footage documenting Andi and Josh's feelings about Chris' first kiss with Britt.
Tara – SP: 70
Attraction (a): 8
I mean, the only possible reason to keep the fall down drunk girl around is because you're feeling it, right?
Background (B): 5
Look, I think from what we say, it's pretty clear that Tara knows who she is. She's a good time girl, who likes to have fun with whatever Tennessee-born gentleman who's making himself available (and, as the night wears on, I imagine, whichever one has the fewest amount of syllables in his name). Despite all the other girls' judgement and disgust, I gotta say, there are worse kinds of drunks to be than "very," and I refuse to believe that occasionally getting "wasted drunk" is synonymous for not being ready for connubial bliss (I mean, if it was, I would know more than a couple of brides who would have been lemon law-ed out of their own marriages before the chairs could even be raised). Domesticatability (D): 0
That being said, I probably would not trust her around children.
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Though I absolutely believe she has woken up before to a shaved off eyebrow.
Amber – SP:
Attraction (a): 2
Though Amber's teddy bear was a solid 10. Chris' wolf whistle was a little bit rude, but it's hard to argue with that kind of lust at first sight.
Though Amber's teddy bear was a solid 10. Chris' wolf whistle was a little bit rude, but it's hard to argue with that kind of lust at first sight.
Background (B): 0
Domesticatability (D): 5
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Which is pretty much the exact same number of minutes she appeared in episode 1. ABC can't really think they're doing themselevs any favors with such blatant and poorly executed tokenism can they? (I admit it. On my first pass I wrote Tolkienism. But surely, there's been at least one year with a girl dressed up as some sort of hobbit or elf?).
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
Nikki – SP: 26.25
Attraction (a): 5
If you told me that this Nikki was the same Nikki as the one on Ben's season, only with slightly longer hair and a magical Peruvian potion for bamboozling Chris Harrison, I would be forced to believe you. I don't know if I'm more proud that I have freed the brain energy once occupied by her face or more sad that I still remember her hair color and name.
Background (B): 1
Domesticatability (D): 2
Nikki flew back FROM PERU for this! Alas, I think that's a different kind of domestic...
Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1
Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1
She said "literally" A LOT in her minimal featured segments, but my excitement was considerably curbed when I realized that she was using it correctly.
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