Week 2, The Scores

	Alissa – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Alissa, we expected more from you. Is it possible that the producers made Chris keep you around for a week just because they were so proud of the intro video they had made you? Kudos are in order, I suppose, for going out with class. If only points were made of kudos...
	Amber – 30 +5 for a rose +10 for kissing in a group setting +10 for telling +5 for misusing the word "literally" Important Info: At least I assume she earns those last 5 points because she used the word literally a lot. And while I suppose technically her heart really does literally pump every time they receive one of those white envelopes (mine does too...so does yours...really everyone's does except for Chris Harrison's who I imagine runs on some combination of clockwork and children's broken dreams), I am less inclined to believe that being trapped in a limo full of screaming white girls is literally her worst fear. Also, yes, I had to invent a new rule for bragging about kissing because what is wrong with these girls? Why is this even a thing?
	Kardashley - 35 +5 for a rose +5 for revealing a personal...secret...to the world, if not to Chris +10 for sloppy, aggressive kissing in a group setting Bonus: +5 for winning the tractor race +10 for combining Brittney and Christina for the least sexy belly button ring deployment of all times Important Info: I award Kardarshley no points for setting the terrible precedent that she will treat anything that Chris "wishes" of her as an order. The man is dating 23 of you. He doesn't need an additional upper hand.
	Ashley S. – 55 +5 for a rose +5 for misusing the word "literally" +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness (no seriously, this happened) +25 for some sort of intoxication, clearly produced by some sort of toxin, if only those produced by her brain. Bonus: +5 for shooting another girl. I don't care if it was an accident, or even if it never happened. The mere thought of this is deserving of points. Important Info: I've already expressed my serious discomfort with Ashley, and I really hope she goes home next week. That being said, I did read another blog that suggested she was perhaps behaving like someone mixing anxiety meds with a few drinks. I don't know why, but this at least made me feel better enough to feel comfortable exploiting her antics for points.
	Becca – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Becca has spoken approximately four televised words thus far, but it was enough to make me hope that we get a whole lot more of her intense Midwestern accent in the weeks to come!
	Britt - 60 +5 for a rose +5 for crying +10 for kissing in a  group date setting +20 for reducing Chris to incoherent stuttering +15 for receiving a gift from Chris Bonus: +5 for misusing the phrase "mixed emotions." "I have incredibly mixed emotions. I couldn't be more bummed." Ma'am, you are misusing both "mixed" and the plural of the word "emotion." Important Info: While Britt and Chris are still incredibly cute together, the cracks are definitely already starting to show for Britt when they are not...and it is early for that...
	Carly – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Come on, Carly. We need some Summer Nights up in here!
	Jade – 15 +5 for a rose Bonus: +10 for being inexplicably pissed off for not winning a tractor race.  Important Info: Jade did some impressive rationalizing this week when she explained that Chris was taking Mackenzie on the one-on-one due to his gentlemanliness. Just wondering if it's those same powerful rationalization skills that allegedly led her to pose for naked photos that are apparently  currently dominating the internet...
	Jillian – 45 +5 for a rose +5 for unintentional nudity...or perhaps just being victim of a super mean unpaid post-production editor? Bonus: +15 for breaking into Chris' house +20 for tripping while getting a rose that was designated for another girl Important Info: So, I really thought I was not going to be a fan of Jillian, but between the sympathy I now feel for her for having the hairiness of her bum discussed on national TV (a side effect of too many creatine shakes perhaps?) and the general delightfulness with which she dealt with her whole tripping fiasco, I have to admit, I'm finding myself on board for her minimally sticking around for awhile!
	Jordan – 30 Eliminated +30 for intoxication Important Info: I had to add an additional 5 points to the scale specially for Jordan just because, seriously, no girl has ever been as drunk for as long as she was on this show.
	Juelia – 10 +5 for a rose +5 for revealing a personal tragedy, though again, not yet to Chris Important Info: It's interesting to me what tragedies and secrets the producers deem as worthy of airing prior to their "revelation" to Chris. Because you have to think a lot of the girls talk to each other about the secrets they will eventually try to parlay into a rose. And by interesting, I, of course, mean kind of gross. Poor Juelia. While I highly doubt this is the road to happiness for her, I nonetheless hope she finds it.
	Kaitlyn – 60 +20 for a date rose +10 for kissing in a group date setting +15 for having Chris comment on her attractiveness Bonus: +5 for taunting Britt with her rose +10 for trying to strip Ashley S. of her 2nd Amendment right to bear wet noodles Important Info: Killing zombies is Kaitlyn's jam.
	Kelsey – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Again, with the mega-grossness, but...it would seem that the Bachelor producers feel like there's only room for one widow per episode.
	Mackenzie – 75 +20 for a date rose +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +15 for telling...in just an inordinate amount of detail +10 for revealing a personal...bundle of joy +15 for Chris commenting on her attractiveness Bonus: +10 for one of the weirdest pro-abstinence PSAs I think I've ever watched. Important Info: I've already said quite a bit about how bizarre and way too young I find Mackenzie, but she also triggered one of my other pet peeves this week by commenting on how observant she finds herself to be. She then proceeded to complete disprove that claim by failing to notice how incredibly uncomfortable she was making Chris for the rest of the episode, proving our favorite Hartsockian adage: if you have to say it about yourself, it probably isn't true!
	Megan – 85 +5 for kissing in a one-on-one setting +20 for a date rose +10 for complaining about not getting a 6-on-1 date +10 for revealing a personal tragedy +5 for crying +10 for making Chris cry (which was more than a little endearing) +10 for being told she was the perfect person to bring on that date Bonus: +15 for breaking into Chris' house Important Info: Somehow, Megan's first date led her to say she's never been so happy in her entire life. Megan seems to really enjoy hyperbole. Either that or she's been going around telling men that her father died, just praying that they would choose that exact moment to make out with her.
	Nikki – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Is it just me or does it seem like the former NFL cheerleaders always get to hang around silently for a few weeks? I would almost suspect that the NFL had some sort of deal going with ABC if it wasn't the only broadcast network that never aired any pro football games.
	Samantha – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Either Chris has an undiscovered bias toward the end of the alphabet or I am coming down with some serious important info fatigue.
	Tandra – 0 Eliminated Important Info: Don't worry, Tandra. It is only a matter of time until they come up with a reality show that's right for you. Bikini clad tractor racing can't help but catch on.

Tara – 15 Eliminated +10 for referencing her (it turns out imagined) connection with Chris +5 for crying Important Info: Tara went from making me pretty darn happy last week to making me super sad this week. Especially since, it wasn't about her not being Chris' number one. It was about Jordan taking over as number one mess cadet in the eyes of the producers. Tracy – 5 +5 for a rose Important Info: Yes, I know I am creepily preoccupied with this, but around-the-mansion Tracy with her hair lovely and straight >> Tracy with it wavy and done up. Trina – 5 +5 for a rose Bonus: +5 for saying "Bless her heart." I feel like that one's a given Important Info: Clock's ticking here, Trina! You can't have more than a few nights left in the house, and yet, you somehow are resisting your natural urges to do something kind of insane! Whitney – 15 +5 for a rose +10 for setting up a mini date/giving Chris a gift Important Info: Chris must feel particularly hypocritical for sending all the slammered girls home this week given that people just keep giving him whiskey.