Week 1, The Draft - Limo 4 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

The woman on the right is a
vision of the future!

Samantha – SP: 131.25

Attraction (a): 5 
Well, it gets a little rough from here on out. Not only did Chris get less time with these late arrivals (which...with all of the kvetching from the first three limos about them having the nerve to show up, I can't believe none of them were complaining about spending three hours less in Chris' company. When they lose a competitive parcheesi tournament in a few episodes, this same indignity will literally cause tears), but I also feel like I have only an average of 7 words written about each of these women (half of which are "what?!? why?!?). But Samantha seems to have done alright despite the fact that her whole intro was soundtrack by that others' ridiculous laments.

Background (B): 0
Also zero for her middle and foregrounds.

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Though my aforementioned brunette blindness makes my prediction for Jamanthley here more than a little suspect.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Michelle – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 8
Michelle started off well. She earned a "gorgeous" and quickly matched it by calling Chris a babe, which was rather adorable. But somewhere along the way, things went off the rail for her, and I think I can probably guess where...

Background (B): 8

You could practically see Chris doing the backwards math in his head when she mentioned she had two school-aged kids. The real question here is what this means for Mackenzie who chose to play things just a little bit closer to the vest on night one. 

Domesticatability (D): 8
Chris is problem is just that it seems another man already put this into effect.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 0

Juelia – SP: 35

Attraction (a): 5

"Come on in, Girls of Limo 4. I promise my cooler is much
more comfortable than it looks..."
- Reegan

Seriously, this was the transition limo. It's like they put all the dead weight in here so that they could focus on the irrational anger of the other girls (except for, I expect Reegan, who was simply excited by all the dead weight as she saw a possible spike in cadaver tissue sales). I remember Juelia because she spurs a similar rage in me when I think about the unnecessary spelling of her name, but I cannot tell you a thing about her other than that.

Background (B): 0
 See...not a thing about her!

Domesticatability (D): 2

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 2

She's in enough of the "Coming Up" scenes that I imagine she'll at least get to go on one or two group dates, but I don't imagine she'll be allowed to actually talk.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Becca – SP: 262.5

Attraction (a): 10

Though I'm not entirely convinced that Chris even really saw her face, so taken was he with the sparkly-ness of her dress. If any of the other girls were taking notes as details as mine, then I am sure we will see them use this technique to ensorcell him in subsequent episodes.  

Background (B): 5
For some reason, for Becca, I inexplicably just wrote "squeaky." And really, what else could we possibly need to know?

Domesticatability (D): 0

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Gun to my head (which, if my life ever comes to that, I imagine devoting multiple hours to ranking women's craziness will be to blame), if I had to pick someone in this limo, I think Becca would be the one to take.

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Tandra – SP: 31.5

Attraction (a): 3

So, I obviously have lost the ability to be objective with Tandra, here because I have a crush on how pretty and normal she is. I still have enough perspective, however, to see that Chris was probably more attracted to her bike.

Background (B): 1

Ostensibly she has a job that pays well enough to allow her to purchase a bike...

Domesticatability (D): 5

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

Unless any of you remember a news report from 4 or 5 months ago where a woman in LA was forcing cars off the highway because they were looking at her funny, I think we're good here.