Week 3, The Farm Report

Don't worry...by Week 4 or 5, I'm bound to run
out of gimmicks for these posts...

So, as I think you all know, I have nothing but endless faith in my ability to be disappointed by Chris. That being said, even I can see that Jimmy Kimmel's appearance this week was something of a setback. I've never actually watched his show (though I do remember that televised excretion he used to appear on, The Man Show). Not only was he a much needed breath of self-awareness for the show's stagnant formula, but he also seems to have brought out the best in Chris, showing off his sense of humor and his edge. But the one place where Jimmy didn't really do Chris any favors was with the group date. Look, we all knew some sort of farm-themed relay race was coming - though it's admittedly a small shock that they weren't forced to run it in heels - but the events that were selected just weren't a great sample of those that will be needed to succeed in realistic life on Chris' largely animal free farm. Luckily, by Week 3, we've already seen enough of the girls to get a pretty good sense of their skills and more than a few of them are showing real potential for a future life as a farmer's wife. Just this week, they showed off skills in:

Threshing: Because I've already made a plowing joke and I'm at least 40% certain this is a thing...Seriously, though, Jillian would come in handy pretty much anywhere that heavy machinery or heavy lifting was involved. I have no doubt that she could probably even rescue Chris from the wreckage of a tractor accident just be lifting the darn thing up and moving it out of the way. I've never really fully understood people who love working out, but I have to say I respect Jillian's single-minded drive and commitment almost as much as I respect the other girls mildly bemused, ever-so-slightly scared interviews chronicling their reactions to Jillian's well-toned if ever-present ass.

Milking: Particularly if the subject of that actin is neither cow nor goat, but instead "it." I wasn't too keen on Kardashley after last week, but this week, I actually felt a surge of excitement when they hinted that there was another virgin in the house because that is how badly I do not want Kardashley sticking around until the fantasy suite (also because Mackenzie was right, and I, like everyone else, just love me some virgins). I'm not saying that Jillian behaved like a prince among men (like a virgin among women?), but Kardashley's whining and crying, the way she milked her distress to try and blackmail Chris into giving her an early rose, were almost more than I could stomach. If Chris somehow manages to choose Ashley, and she somehow manages to continue to fail to realize that his life actually is small town life on a farm, then he is going to spend his entire life senselessly "paying for" the fact that she couldn't "do her Kardashian look" for the family dinner on the homestead.

Fertilizing: I'm thinking Jade knows how this game is to be played. After a first impression that left Chris stammering like a cartoon pig (fun fact, my speech pathologist mom never let me watch Looney Tunes growing up. And to her credit, they do have, like a 90% rate of speech impediments), last week she seemed to be at risk of fading into the background. But this week, she gave him just enough sex (I forget which base, exactly, is represented by heavy petting in a bikini and heels) to really fan the flames and ensure that even when he's off tending to other tasks, his attraction to her is growing in the background (by the way, while I realize my terrible tendency to mix metaphors is never great, this was a particularly bad one. I promise my references to both fertilizer and flames is in no way meant to be any sort of encoded directions).

Borrowing a Cup of Sugar: So, obviously, I have a hard time believing that the spontaneous decision to crash a wedding was real (although, I admit that I secretly love the mental image of up-and-coming crooner Benny Delmar waiting on the other side of the vineyard to give them a televised private show - neglected, forlorn, and - save for his guitar - utterly alone), but I almost believe that Chris and Whitney really thought is was spontaneous and real. And I actually fully believe that Chris came out of the date freshly charmed by Whitney in a way that felt authentic and nice. I wasn't fully on board with Whitney before this week, but their date was actually a welcome reminder that my first impression s don't count and if total strangers inexplicably started taking dating advice from me, the world might not be a better place (though it would undoubtedly be a place much more filled with melted cheese). Don't get me wrong, the next time Chris references "going with his gut," I will almost certainly still roll my eyes, but I might just trust his decisions just a little bit more...unless his gut is telling him to go with Kardashley.

Jillian's dedicated team of editors need to get
on adding a blurcle here.

Imprinting: So, it's possible that this wouldn't actually be considered a skill as it is something done instinctively by tiny baby ducks, but it really does seem like these girls have formed intense emotional friendships really quickly. I wouldn't be shocked to learn this actually happens every year given the high stress situations they're placed in, but ABC certainly seems to be showing it off this year. There's the emotional support group comprised of Juelia and the lovely Samantha (who sadly only seems to be allowed to talk when she's bolstering Juelia up); there's the Legion of Extraordinary Ditziness made up of Mackenzie, Megan and Kardashley; there's whatever weird bond has formed between Jillian and Britt (which, like the rules of ice dancing, seems to mandate they spend no more than 15 consecutive seconds without touching); even Amber and Ashley S. exchanged a few meaningful glances this week. I absolutely don't begrudge them their friendships, but let's hope whoever becomes the proud recipient of the final rose can apply those self-same imprinting skills Are-You-My-Mother?-style to tractors because she's likely not going to have altogether too much in the way of other choices.

Goat Calling: So, this one, I'm actually positive isn't really considered a skill as goat calling simply is not a thing. But if it were...Kaitlyn's laugh. Oh, Kaitlyn's laugh. Despite the braying quality with which she expresses pleasure, I'm on board with pretty much everything about Kaitlyn. And I honestly think the Jimmy Kimmel date wouldn't have gone down nearly as well with anyone else. You guys, I think Chris might have for reals feelings for both Whitney and Kaitlyn, and I'm actually legitimately kind of stressed about it. Thank heavens Chris spent the rest of this episode making out with every visible pair of lips (there's a particularly telling three-way with Jimmy and a greased pig that's gonna kill on the Women Tell All blooper reel), so that my standard levels of cynicism weren't utterly destroyed.

Determining the Next U. S. President: Okay, kidding. But we all know that this is an essential role that every Iowan must play. And wouldn't it be TERRIFYING if that role fell to Mackenzie.