Week 1, the Draft: Limo 3 Prospect Report

As many of you know, several years ago, I derived a complicated, highly nuanced and foolproof equation using my many years of study of discrete calculus, quantum physics, and string theory (also my limited understanding of the meaning of the words "complicated," "nuanced," and "foolproof"). For those of you not familiar, you can revisit my genius here, but as I've never been one to rest on my laurels (on an unrelated note - does anyone know where I can get some laurels?) and as the rules of the Bachelorette clearly aren't always the same as those that govern the Bachelor, I have developed a metric to help you evaluate these year's batch of hopeful prospects.

Below, I give you the Staying Power (SP) rating for each of the women based on their performance in episode 1. I would definitely use this metric to guide your draft (or almost anything else).  For more detail on the hours of careful thought (read: metro ride) that went into Staying Power  (SP = a*P(D+B) * (-0.25C² + 2C)), see my earlier post.

Amanda – SP: 0

Attraction (a): 0

When Amanda eventually got past the whole "secret admirer" thing, Chris did call her "stunning," but I think he meant it more in the sense of "because I was stunned to learn that you were a person and not just a piece of furniture blending into the background."

Background (B): 10

Although, in this case, perhaps 10 was way too much.

Domesticatability (D): 0
Perhaps this isn't fair. After all, there's more to playing "the little wife" than Amanda's hated cooking and cleaning (in the case of Chris, picking out all his outfits and, o course, hog inseminating come to mind in particular).

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 0

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 10

And seriously, bless her heart for saying she's single because she's "f#@$-ing crazy." With self-acclaimed credentials like that, I have to assume that the producers tried to make Chris keep her, and he just accidentally confused her with one of the many other wide-eyed blondes.

Jillian – SP: 31.5

Attraction (a): 3
Jillian is simultaneously following a grand Bachelor tradition in the oeuvre of Nick and Cody and is blazing trails as the first ever meathead lady. She implies that men might be intimidated by her strength, and it seems Chris might be one of those men; also, probably Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

Background (B): 5
We know how much she can bench and how much she can dead lift. What else do we need?

Domesticatability (D): 1

Although (and I mean this in the most literal, least vulgar way possible) she could probably plow his fields.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 1

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 7

She was in the conversation for a crazy eyes nod (the conversation I have with myself...I'll explain later why that's not crazy), and I regret not picking her, not least of all because I imagine she could crush my skill with her impressively brawny thighs (which, is anyone else pretty devastated that we will never get to see her and the WWF Diva throw down?). It saddens me that I don't think she'll be around long enough to threaten other girls with one way tickets to the gun show.

Mackenzie – SP: 90

Attraction (a): 6

Mackenzie earned a "stunning" and bonus points for correctly identifying that she should be considered more attractive than most pigs (with Miss Piggy as an obviously and notable exception...although the lady has been trying to get a frog to the altar for an embarrassingly long time).

Background (B): 5
It seems to be a Bachelor trend that a baby equals x-number of years of life experience. Mackenzie's not the first 21-year old mama they've had on the program for these consistently 30-something gents. I'm just wondering if the equation they use to calculate the conversion rate is as complex and well thought out as the staying power metric. (And, of course, in Mackenzie's case, if they remembered to carry the one).

Domesticatability (D): 10
And I do have to say there's a large part of me that wants to see how gentle giant Chris does with a  tiny little kid.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 4

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 1

I'm actually not sure if they've ever had a curly-haired crazy on the show.

Ashley S. – SP: 90

Attraction (a): 8
See Tara, Limo 2.

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 1
At the very least she will have to do A LOT of studying up on what constitutes a vegetable vs. a fruit. I'm still not convinced that her batshit bastardization of the most famous monologue from Shrek didn't actually result in her holding a tomato. Although, Eastlake very astutely pointed out that, whatever it was, it seems it was almost certainly plastic.

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 3

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5

I don't think she'll be around for very long, but Ashley S. has great potential to do some serious short-term points damage. What remains to be seen is where Ashley's craziness ends and her drunk begins (I'm guessing just south of Bora Bora), but, I mean, the woman actually threatened to cut people open, albeit in a largely nonviolent way. Even if all we get is a dramatic reading of the rest of her bucket list, it seems there are points to be had from Ashley as, perhaps, a strong second round pick.

Kaitlyn – SP: 

Attraction (a): 10
If Limo 1 was the limo of Chris' unadulterated attraction, then Limo 3 was clearly sprinkled with crazy juice (made from Ecto-Kooler, that weird Orbitz drink from the 90's, and just a splash of 7-Up. See, it's more than just a Bachelor blog. It's also recipe advice!)

Background (B): 0

Domesticatability (D): 2

...Maybe? If you, like, Henry Higgins her? I mean, at least she put on pants to dance. That's gotta count for something, right?

Featured Scene Percentage in 'Coming Up' Montage (P): 7
By my count, Kaitlyn has a (very) outside shot at hometowns. And I mean, seriously, does anyone not want to see where she came from?

Likelihood of Stabbing you in the Neck and/or Shaving off her own Eyebrows to Make a Point about you never noticing her Haircut (C): 5
In all honesty, from what we saw on the premier, Kaitlyn's the girl I'd probably most want to grab a drink with. I mean, sure, she's more than a little awkward and crude and she seems to have a pretty limited awareness of surroundings. But at the end of the day, I just think I'd rather hang around with someone who's going to judge me for toting around a karaoke machine rather than the girl who's going to judge me for getting really drunk.